How to learn self-love

KiKi III

Hi guys.

Not going to bother going anon for this, part of the reason I regged again was to get your advice.

In short, I come from a very dysfunctional family. I'm 31/f. My parents don't love each other and to my recollection never have, they have a codependent relationship. My dad is a sober alcoholic, my parents both came from pretty dysfunctional backgrounds themselves.

My brother, sister and I all seem to be pretty f**ked up as a result. We're smart, capable people - all university graduates with decent careers, but our personal lives are a mess.

I developed a drinking problem in my early 20s and gave up drinking shortly before my 26th birthday through a combination of AA and therapy, though I'm no longer actively doing either.

I thought that if I got the drinking sorted the rest of my life would fall into place, but it hasn't. I can't seem to form a stable, loving relationship and I get involved in a lot of friends-with-benefits situations that ultimately leave me feeling quite empty. I ended such a relationship this morning. He's a nice guy and wasn't using me for sex, we had a very close approximation of a relationship (not just sex, hung out and did stuff together, had good chats - but ultimately neither of us wanted a real relationship)

I read and hear all the time that self-love is the key. I understand that as a concept. I see in the people around me that those who were raised in generally happy, loving homes don't need to be taught this - they saw a good example of healthy love at home and they repeat that pattern just as I repeat my unhealthy one.

On an intellectual level, I know what I need to do... but I don't know how to do it on an emotional level. I often feel lonely, and at times broken/ damaged. I don't feel worthy of a nice, normal loving guy and when guys like that approach me I self-sabotage, thinking "What would he want with me/ I'd never fit in to his family life"

How do I develop this sense of self-love i need? I've done so much therapy and while it has helped me understand and let go of some of the family stuff, it hasn't given me a much more positive view of myself.

Hey... yeah, don't know if I can help you really.. it's probably something I struggle with myself.. like, if you're sober, that's probably half the battle..I'd probably suggest meditation..try to open the heart chakra..but anyway, maybe try meetings again, or go to talk to someone for a while..yer man Russell Brand has a new website where he goes through the 12 NA/AA steps.. might be worth a look...

Yeah, self love...I don't know really..
Good luck anyway..

Edit..haha..I was recently told I'm self sabotaging too..

anewme

I grew up in a dysfunctional family (we say our family put the FUNK into dysfunctional) and for me the first step is accepting it. That's who you are. That's what made you who you are , both positive and negative. We are all flawed.

Also, there is no such thing as a happy family, every family has its own skeletons, drink, depression, violence, suicide, no matter how rich nor poor they are.

Another element to this is forgiveness. Bitterness only affects the bitter party. There comes a point when you need to let it go. Not sure if I'm explaining clearly. I'm not talking forgiveness as if all is rosy, but maybe more seeing past it.

I'm using my parents marriage here, my parents had a difficult marriage, my Dad was difficult as a result of his own upbringing (orphan) but my Mum is still fairly bitter. No point though, he has dementia and does not remember any of it, so theres no point.

Not sure if I'm making sense.

ILoveYourVibes

Honestly I think for some people , what they would consider being self important and being a bitch is actually self love.

I think that is half the issue .....i feel guilty for practicing what other people call self love.

Maybe you are the same.

afterglow

try to get Louise hay's book, title
“ you can heal your life ” I'm sure its probably still available in print, but if you have audible, she has adapted it for same and its like you're going through a therapy session with her.
Also check out Wayne dyer, he's amazing
I'd echo whats already been said about meditation, and crystals like rose quartz, green aventurine, can both help to open up the heart Chakra
I don't know if you're a crystal type of person, but personally rose quartz is one of my favourites, always get a lovely warm, genqle feeling from it. I know, it probably seems mad because its a stone, but honestly, get a little piece, polished or not, up to you, I'd suggest going somewhere where you can look at, more importantly hold/touch some, because the right piece will find you.
I recommend looking up when next full moon is, because that's a great time to ' charge ' or ' set intention ' for your crystal. Its like you're programming it to help you with what you need
I can write more about this, if its something you're interested in
if you're not used to working with moon energy, you can also just hold the crystal, and picture it being clensed of any negative energy, if you had a singing bowl you can clense/charge them with sound also.
Hope I haven't just talked a lot of nonsense, and like I said, anything you want further clarrification on, just ask

Skibunny77

Please read Homecoming by John Bradshaw. So much of your inner narrative is based around feelings of shame and worthlessness, you are absolutely incredible to have overcome harmful alcohol use and the fact that you continue to seek connection, despite growing up in the house that you did, is so positive. This is all about being kind to yourself, for the little girl who grew up in a confusing, lonely, distant house and for the adult who relates to the world, based on that little girls experience. The book and counselling support will help you heal, and this is about healing. Self love starts with self compassion and that starts with looking back to what you survived. In the meantime, listen out for and challenge your internal shame statements. I wish you the best of luck, you sound incredibly resilient and your drive to make meaningful connections will get you there.

afterglow

Skibunny77 wrote: »

Please read Homecoming by John Bradshaw. So much of your inner narrative is based around feelings of shame and worthlessness, you are absolutely incredible to have overcome harmful alcohol use and the fact that you continue to seek connection, despite growing up in the house that you did, is so positive. This is all about being kind to yourself, for the little girl who grew up in a confusing, lonely, distant house and for the adult who relates to the world, based on that little girls experience. The book and counselling support will help you heal, and this is about healing. Self love starts with self compassion and that starts with looking back to what you survived. In the meantime, listen out for and challenge your internal shame statements. I wish you the best of luck, you sound incredibly resilient and your drive to make meaningful connections will get you there.

thank you very much for posting this. Sometimes, I forget, everyone doesn't know what we know, and we can feel like we just say the same stuff over&over again to people
that recommendation is case in point, and i will certainly be looking that book up
Appreciate you posting it

wiggle16

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