Is it possible to break up?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

I am wondering if anyone can advise me on the following. I know this is probably best suited to Legal Discussion but I cannot post anom there to the best of my knowledge.

My husband and I have three children, and live in a rented property. He is the breadwinner, I am a stay at home mum, and the primary carer of the children.

I have wanted to break up with him for a long time. We spend a lot of our time bickering and I think our children are exposed to a lot of unhealthy behaviour. They are displaying anxiety in their own individual ways, which I think are attributed to the unhealthy and often unhappy dynamic they witness at home. My husband doesn't care about the way he speaks to me, or them. I am often unhappy about that. He does not seem to be aware of or care about their personal development.

I have tried numerous times to break up with him, but he refuses to leave. He tells me to go, alluding to me leaving the whole family, but of course I would never do that, as the whole reason I want to break up with him is to do with his behaviour around the children. Additionally he wouldn't even think of checking their temperatures when they are unwell, let alone bringing them to the doctor. As for playdates or extra curricular activities, they wouldn't even cross his mind.

I'm starting to think that the only way we can break up is if I make arrangements to leave with the children. I am hesitant to do this as I feel it will be really traumatising for them to leave their home, with nowhere to go, due to the rental market. I wish there was some way he could see how unhealthy the situation is for them, and agree to leave, as that would be the least impactful way to break up. It feels awful being so unhappy in a situation and feeling powerless to change it.

Any advice appreciated.

Sleepy

Can you afford for him to leave while you remain in the family home?

While it certainly seems to suit you best to stay in the family home with your children while he moves out, you have to realise that if/when he moves out, you will not only have to cover the running costs of your current home, his income will also need to pay the running costs of a second 3 bedroom property (a requirement for overnight visits).

Once separated, you would be entitled to the One-Parent Family Payment and to apply to your local council for housing assistance (most likely to be HAP until such time as you reached the top of the waiting list for social housing) but I believe this payment doesn't kick in until you have been living apart for 3 months.

The best advice I can give you is to seek out the services of a solicitor specialising in family law.

A few things to remember though:

• Unless he's earning a huge salary (100's of thousands a year) and doesn't play silly buggers over maintenance, your standard of living is going to suffer: any normal salary cannot support two households to the same degree that it can support one. This means you will likely have to move to a more affordable area than you currently or make other sacrifices in order to afford to remain.
• The more acrimonious the split, and the more spent on lawyers, the less there will be left over for you and your then former partner to divide.
• Maintenance and custody are separate issues: you can't refuse him access to his children if he doesn't pay maintenance and he can't refuse to pay maintenance if you're trying to prevent him from seeing them.

marilynrr

Hi, yes it's possible to break up, and by the sounds of it it's going to have to happen as your children are being affected (not just you).

Is your house privately rented? or is it social housing?
According to citizens information for social housing a judge can order that the tenancy is transferred to one person, I'm not sure if they can do the same for private renters, but citizens information should be able to advise you if you give them a call.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/housing/local_authority_and_social_housing/joint_tenancy_relationship_breakdown.html

Threshold and Treoir might be good organisations to get in touch with too to arm yourself with all the facts!

pwurple

You need to talk to a solicitor. What you want is a divorce it sounds like. That's a whole legal path, with separation etc.

Have you mentioned divorce to your husband?

Is he agressive in any way or would that be something you feel ok to bring up?

Keeping a journal of behaviour is something I have seen recommended for separation where occupancy of the home is under question.

AulWan

From a legal perspective, he is the children's equal joint guardian, (the term "primary carer" does not exist in Irish family law) and you cannot remove them from the home to live elsewhere without his permission, or you could be ordered to return them.

Have you suggested family therapy, or a parenting course?

NewRed2

You can't get legal advice as such on here. So I would contact a solicitor and have a chat about options and find out where you stand.
But financially I wouldn't fret so much, you'll be entitled to single parent payment and also he will have a financial obligation to pay towards you and kids upkeep as you're married.
So I would remove the financial worries from your mind and rest assured you'll be ok in that department if you divorce (you and kids).

However, I would NOT leave the family home under any circumstances prior to chatting with solicitor who I expect will also advise against moving out for now. That's important. Again, not legal advice, just strong advice from a stranger. But don't do it!!!

Without knowing anything about the ins and outs of your relationship, I'd also recommend you suggest relationship counselling to him and give it a bash. You are married and have kids so would it not be worth a shot? Explain to him that its that or divorce.
If he agrees then maybe you can salvage it? Nothing to lose!!
It's always worth trying everything before walking away when you're married and have kids imo. But then again, I don't know how bad things are there.

Good luck.

AulWan

The OP doesn't say the age of her children, but One Parent Family Payment is only payable until the youngest child is aged 7. It is a basic payment of 203 personal rate per week plus 36 euro per child.

Spousal maintenance is not commonly awarded these days and when it is, it is usually only for a limited time until the dependant former spouse retrains for the workplace.

Social welfare will assess some of maintenance received as means.

In reality on seperation finances will most definitely be an issue and the OP is looking at having to return to work if not immediately then in the foreseeable future, unless, as already been said by another poster, her husband is an extremely high earner and doesn't mess around with maintenance payments.

The house is rented, so if he leaves he can remove his name from the lease once the current one is up.

mobileforest

Marriage counselling? You have three children so I'm assuming your decision to leave the guy is fairly recent. 3 kids in a rental on one salary sounds very stressful to me in todays world. I would work on the marriage first.

marilynrr

AulWan wrote: »

The OP doesn't say the age of her children, but One Parent Family Payment is only payable until the youngest child is aged 7. It is a basic payment of 203 personal rate per week plus 36 euro per child.

She could get jobseekers transitional payment if her youngest is under 13.

AulWan

marilynrr wrote: »

She could get jobseekers transitional payment if her youngest is under 13.

Yes, that is true, but while the requirement to be available for and seeking full time employment that applies to Jobseekers Benefit/Allowance does not apply to JST, the claimant will still be required to engage with DSP case officers in identifying supports / seeking work / training courses with the aim of getting back into the workforce, asap. They can't just sit on JST until the kids are 14.

There is also another issue, if joint custody (50:50) is awarded in the separation neither OPFP or JST will apply. To qualify for either the claimant must have the children living with them more then 3.5 days a week.