28yo(F) suddenly single, jobless and back home with parents ADVICE PLEASE

Curlyhatescurls

Hi All,
My world was completely turned upside down right before Christmas. Long term relationship of 6 years ended suddenly because my boyfriend 'wants to find himself' and 'is not ready for commitment'.
We moved to the UK over 2 years ago where I trained to be a primary school teacher and we also have a dog. When he dumped me (with no warning, no arguments at all)I went into auto-pilot. I could not afford rent alone, with a dog, in the UK, on my short term supply teacher contracts. So I handed in my notice, worked the month of December (and emptied out an entire house alone) said goodbye to my friends. I packed up my car with the dog and moved back to Ireland to my family home.

I feel completely lost and bereft and feel like there is no aspect of my life that has turned out right, even though I've worked so hard. I'm currently trying to register with the teaching council (a nightmare in itself) and as I'm living rurally job prospects feel dismal. Renting feels impossible, I'm currently doing a part time masters online that I'm paying for so I have no savings.

We were about to sign a mortgage in the UK, I thought I'd be settling down and planning a wedding and kids.
As well as dealing with the heartbreak, I've completely lost my independence, I feel so low in myself that I have to live with my parents. I'm unemployed. I'm single. My friends all live in Dublin and I can't possibly afford to live in Dublin and I can't face living like a student again with random housemates. I just don't know what to do!
I get by each day trying to keep a routine- scrubbing the house, repainting the bathroom, emptying the attic. I just feel like I'm about to drown. Please, does anybody have any words of advice? How do I regain independence? How do I regain self-confidence? I'm completely shattered.

Darc19

You're 28, young and single.- and a qualified teacher

Many people would love to be like you.

So, chin up and get out and meet people. Gym, clubs, walking groups, park run etc.


On the job front, apply to the many fee paying schools, they may need immediate cover and don't always have to follow strict guidelines because they have their own income.

Postgrad10

What stage are you at with the teaching council? Have you completed the evetting? Once you have that you can still sub on a temp basis . They can pay you on the unqualified rate for the meantime. Once you get your registration with conditions ( probably) you can sub away. Even getting a day a week subbing will be so good for your self esteem. Are you secondary ?

Curlyhatescurls

Postgrad10 wrote: »

What stage are you at with the teaching council? Have you completed the evetting? Once you have that you can still sub on a temp basis . They can pay you on the unqualified rate for the meantime. Once you get your registration with conditions ( probably) you can sub away. Even getting a day a week subbing will be so good for your self esteem. Are you secondary ?

I have the e-vetting!! I didn't realise I could sub with that alone. How do I go about doing that? Do I go into schools with my CV and e-vetting certificate and say I'm available? Thank you very much for all your advicr- I am primary

MrKingsley

I understand what you are going through. I went through the same thing 3 years ago when I was living abroad.

I would suggest getting on with the teaching in any way you can as the poster above said. I went back to college and it helped me keep my head relatively focused whilst also helping me meet knew people. It’s tough though. Hopefully you get on well with your parents.

Stick at it and keep as busy as you can is my advice

Blue Badger

I think you're being unfair on yourself, OP. It is commendable that you're trying to map things out already but my opinion would be that you have (still are) undergone a fairly traumatic change to your life.

Sometimes it's okay to say duck off to the world at large and to take a few weeks for yourself. Clear your head. Come to terms with everything. Reassess, plan, and make your next move when you are ready.

Do not feel like you need to be taking on the whole world right now.

Now, I could be very wrong. It's difficult to judge a person from one post to another but that would be my thinking.

You're strong OP, you can get through this.

Curlyhatescurls

MrKingsley wrote: »

I understand what you are going through. I went through the same thing 3 years ago when I was living abroad.

I would suggest getting on with the teaching in any way you can as the poster above said. I went back to college and it helped me keep my head relatively focused whilst also helping me meet knew people. It’s tough though. Hopefully you get on well with your parents.

Stick at it and keep as busy as you can is my advice

Thank you for your advice and for sharing your own experience. May I ask, did you get over her? Are you happier now?

Caranica

The Department of education set up a CV subfinder website before Christmas to match substitute teachers and vacancies. Might be worth a look?

Curlyhatescurls

Blue Badger wrote: »

I think you're being unfair on yourself, OP. It is commendable that you're trying to map things out already but my opinion would be that you have (still are) undergone a fairly traumatic change to your life.

Sometimes it's okay to say duck off to the world at large and to take a few weeks for yourself. Clear your head. Come to terms with everything. Reassess, plan, and make your next move when you are ready.

Do not feel like you need to be taking on the whole world right now.

Now, I could be very wrong. It's difficult to judge a person from one post to another but that would be my thinking.

You're strong OP, you can get through this.

Thank you so much BlueBadger, your post really hits home. You're completely right, I feel shell-shocked and overwhelmed. I'm afraid to stop rushing a million miles ahead because I can't sit with my current reality. I need to keep busy, I actually can't sit still and need my hands to be doing something constantly and the radio on. The silence would be deafening otherwise.

MrKingsley

Curlyhatescurls wrote: »

Thank you for your advice and for sharing your own experience. May I ask, did you get over her? Are you happier now?

Happier now because I’m back with family and friends. But a lot has happened over the last 3 years so my mindset isn’t necessarily dependant on that relationship.

I’d be lying if I said it never popped into my head though. But when it does now I count my blessings that I’m not in a relationship or didn’t plan a family or anything with someone who wasn’t completely committed to it. And that is massively reassuring

Blue Badger

Curlyhatescurls wrote: »

Thank you so much BlueBadger, your post really hits home. You're completely right, I feel shell-shocked and overwhelmed. I'm afraid to stop rushing a million miles ahead because I can't sit with my current reality. I need to keep busy, I actually can't sit still and need my hands to be doing something constantly and the radio on. The silence would be deafening otherwise.

As a 28-year-old who has struggled with periods of at times brutal illness (chronic disease) I've learnt to not care about anyone other than myself when the need arises.

I know it's not the same thing... But when trying to get back 'normal life' after at times a year of being in and out of hospital beds / living at home, my routine is to get back to the little things like exercise, a beer with friends, doing things I didn't have time for before, reading etc.

I use the time loss as a driver to try and come back a stronger me. You're no use to anyone if you're head isn't in the game and my only fear would be that in focusing on the likes of career from the get go that are ultimately denying yourself time to grieve / resettle back to who you are.

Postgrad10

Curlyhatescurls wrote: »

I have the e-vetting!! I didn't realise I could sub with that alone. How do I go about doing that? Do I go into schools with my CV and e-vetting certificate and say I'm available? Thank you very much for all your advicr- I am primary

Go for it. You can register with the new sub search on education posts. Not sure if you need your teaching council no for it though. In the meantime get your name out to all primary schools in a commutable distance. I would say call in with your vetting or email them with an intro letter of experience and qualifications and that your teaching council number is pending ( make the evetting stand out)! Have you Irish by any chance ? The secondary schools are crying for Irish teachers in any shape or form ( including primary qualified). If you are stuck for money do try ETB jobs , ETB vacancies, education posts or your own local ETB. Get registered with your local education centre and get your cv updated with relevant CPD. This will help in the job search once you get your registration.

Curlyhatescurls

MrKingsley wrote: »

Happier now because I’m back with family and friends. But a lot has happened over the last 3 years so my mindset isn’t necessarily dependant on that relationship.

I’d be lying if I said it never popped into my head though. But when it does now I count my blessings that I’m not in a relationship or didn’t plan a family or anything with someone who wasn’t completely committed to it. And that is massively reassuring

Thank you for this, it means a lot to hear from someone who's been through this and came out the other side. Everyone keeps saying it's a blessing it happened before kids or we signed the mortgage.
Wishing you all the best for 2020 x

MrKingsley

Curlyhatescurls wrote: »

Thank you for this, it means a lot to hear from someone who's been through this and came out the other side. Everyone keeps saying it's a blessing it happened before kids or we signed the mortgage.
Wishing you all the best for 2020 x

Now I wasnt that close to the kids/mortgage but they are definitely right.

Stay strong and look after yourself. Be nice and selfish(in the nicest possible meaning of the word) and do what you really want to do.

Hope 2020 is a good one for you

woodchuck

OP there has been great advice on the job front already, so I just wanted to put my hand up as someone else who has been through something similar and come through the other side. 7 year relationship, saving for a house, and then he broke up with me out of nowhere. I was 28 and ended up moving home to my parents house too. Luckily I didn't have to move country or jobs, but it was still a huge upheaval and a major shock to the system. It felt like I was taking a huge step backwards in my life.

It really is a trauma, similar to grief. It definitely makes sense to focus on the practical side of things, but obviously it's important not to ignore your emotions for too long either. I found counselling helped (although I was reluctant to take that step, so I know it's easier said than done!).

I know you can't see it now, but it is definitely a lucky escape. You WILL get your life back on track and come out the other side stronger because of it.

bitofabind

Hi OP. Well done on surviving. I read that and thought, "fair play to her!" The numbness and auto-pilot led to a host of very sensible and mature decisions and you got yourself to safety. That is incredibly hard to do when you're going through a life trauma like this.

You've been living a very independent life for the last while so of course this feels like regression. Could you be a bit kinder to yourself and look at it from a different angle? It wasn't safe to fall apart and process all of this with all of your upheaval, but now it is. Maybe your family home with the work slowdown is where you're meant to be right now so you can deal with the grief of all of this. That's what a long-term breakup like this is, it's a bereavement of sorts. You've had your life as you knew it snatched away and you can't begin to move forward until you go through the pain and sadness of that. It's the worst pain in the world - but it passes with time.

Please go easy on yourself. You've got the rest of your life to work and save and meet someone and figure out all this life stuff. Now is your time to stop, take stock and sort through the sadness of all of this.

P.S You are young - so young. I had just met my own longterm partner at your age, broke up five years later and now at 34 and single, I still feel young! There is life - so much life! - after this.

fits

OP I was in the exact same position at 28. 5 year relationship ended and I moved back in with my parents in a rural area with my two dogs. Simetimes you need to take everything down to build it back up again. Take your time at home to recover. Get involved in things that interest you.

10 years later I’m employed, married with our own house and two children and life is good - much better than if I had continued on the old trajectory.

Curlyhatescurls

Blue Badger wrote: »

As a 28-year-old who has struggled with periods of at times brutal illness (chronic disease) I've learnt to not care about anyone other than myself when the need arises.

I know it's not the same thing... But when trying to get back 'normal life' after at times a year of being in and out of hospital beds / living at home, my routine is to get back to the little things like exercise, a beer with friends, doing things I didn't have time for before, reading etc.

I use the time loss as a driver to try and come back a stronger me. You're no use to anyone if you're head isn't in the game and my only fear would be that in focusing on the likes of career from the get go that are ultimately denying yourself time to grieve / resettle back to who you are.

Thank you Blue Badger, I'm very grateful to you for sharing your own story like that- it really moved me and it's been in my head the past two days. I've taken what you've said on board and today instead of frantically working on my CV and cover letter I went for a big beach walk, wrote a poem and did some painting (which I haven't done in years!) And I'm already remembering who I was before all of this mess. Thank you.
I wish you the very best in 2020, happiness and health x

Curlyhatescurls

fits wrote: »

OP I was in the exact same position at 28. 5 year relationship ended and I moved back in with my parents in a rural area with my two dogs. Simetimes you need to take everything down to build it back up again. Take your time at home to recover. Get involved in things that interest you.

10 years later I’m employed, married with our own house and two children and life is good - much better than if I had continued on the old trajectory.

Oh fits, wow, thank you very much for coming on and sharing that with me. Uncanny that my situation echoes yours so strongly and it's really comforting to know that life is good for you now and you're married with kids! I'll take your words and advice on board and focus on recovering and setting solid foundations in myself! X

Curlyhatescurls

bitofabind wrote: »

Hi OP. Well done on surviving. I read that and thought, "fair play to her!" The numbness and auto-pilot led to a host of very sensible and mature decisions and you got yourself to safety. That is incredibly hard to do when you're going through a life trauma like this.

You've been living a very independent life for the last while so of course this feels like regression. Could you be a bit kinder to yourself and look at it from a different angle? It wasn't safe to fall apart and process all of this with all of your upheaval, but now it is. Maybe your family home with the work slowdown is where you're meant to be right now so you can deal with the grief of all of this. That's what a long-term breakup like this is, it's a bereavement of sorts. You've had your life as you knew it snatched away and you can't begin to move forward until you go through the pain and sadness of that. It's the worst pain in the world - but it passes with time.

Please go easy on yourself. You've got the rest of your life to work and save and meet someone and figure out all this life stuff. Now is your time to stop, take stock and sort through the sadness of all of this.

P.S You are young - so young. I had just met my own longterm partner at your age, broke up five years later and now at 34 and single, I still feel young! There is life - so much life! - after this.

Your words moved me to tears bitofablind. I'm typing this crying, everything you said rings true and hurts and I am grieving. I'm grieving the loss of him and our future every minute of the day, it's such a raw pain. And you're spot on, being home means I feel safe and can process it all. I'm going to ring up the local resource centre tomorrow and find some low cost counselling- it feels like an awful lot for me to process alone so I'd be grateful for a professional to guide me through it.
Thank you so very much for your moving words and support; I hope 2020 is full of growth and happiness xx

tabby aspreme

Take a look at the , education posts website, and see if you can register with the Text a Sub service on it.

Curlyhatescurls

woodchuck wrote: »

OP there has been great advice on the job front already, so I just wanted to put my hand up as someone else who has been through something similar and come through the other side. 7 year relationship, saving for a house, and then he broke up with me out of nowhere. I was 28 and ended up moving home to my parents house too. Luckily I didn't have to move country or jobs, but it was still a huge upheaval and a major shock to the system. It felt like I was taking a huge step backwards in my life.

It really is a trauma, similar to grief. It definitely makes sense to focus on the practical side of things, but obviously it's important not to ignore your emotions for too long either. I found counselling helped (although I was reluctant to take that step, so I know it's easier said than done!).

I know you can't see it now, but it is definitely a lucky escape. You WILL get your life back on track and come out the other side stronger because of it.

Thank you very much for taking the time to write that to me woodchuck. It's heartening to hear that you came through all of that pain and that you're stronger (I'm sorry you had to go through it). I guess the only way that we grow is when we're faced with adversity. Your words mean a lot and I'm phoning up to organise some counselling tomorrow- I figure the more help I can get the better! Xx

blazermel

Hi OP, I'm late to this thread and you've already got some great advice from the other posters. I found myself in a similar situation to you last June - my partner of almost 5 years who I had moved my whole life to the other end of the country for finished it all and brought my world crashing down around me. I had moved job, everything, to his home on the promise of a future together. It was like being hit with a sledgehammer - the worst part I felt was that he had time to prepare for this situation whereas I was caught completely unaware. It was a terribly difficult and sometimes dark time. Like you say, grieving the loss of that person and your future together. I had to uproot myself, move and start again, out on my own.

But I just came on here to tell you that there is hope. Fast forward 6 almost 7 months now and I'm doing well. I'm enjoying life again, doing things for me and looking after me for a change. Socialising with friends, meeting new friends, exercising etc. Reach out to those around you, even if sometimes you don't want to talk about the situation just having that support network there helps. And be good to yourself, I blamed myself at the start, i felt like a failure at almost 30 and my whole future gone down the pan. But as another wise poster alluded to above you are so young and have so much ahead of you. Just keep it going, one day at a time and you will get there. Reach out if you ever need to talk x

Redser87

Just to throw in another idea jobs wise - don't rule Dublin out completely. Principals are absolutely crying out for subs at primary level and some have struggled to find subs for maternity leaves until June. I know the renting situation is mental but you would be kept going with work and being around your friends could help you to build up your confidence again. Just another aspect to consider.
On the breakup front I can't add anything to the kind comments of others, but be kind to yourself and give yourself time to feel whatever emotions crop up for you. Take care of yourself.

Springfields

OP sorry you had to go through this horrible time but you sound like a very smart, sensitive and self aware person and have no doubt you will be a better person at the end of this... you just have to give yourself time and space to grieve your relationship, its all the harder when you dont see it coming. I know its a cliche but time heals and if you use it wisely you can work on yourself, do things you want to do and be completely ready for when amd if the real love of your life comes along. One of the advantages of being at this age is that you begin to realise your self worth and begin to care less about what others think. I went through the same after a 10 year relationship and met my now husband at 32. Ive never been happier xx chin up, have pj days and cry when you need to and remember you have so much to offer . Best of luck

SusieBlue

I was in a similar position to yourself last year. We were together years, living together years, marriage & babies on the cards etc. when it ended. It was shortly before my 27th birthday and I felt absolutely lost.

I remember feeling nothing for the initial few months. I wouldn't say I was exactly happy, but I definitely wasn't upset, hurt or grieving. I remember patting myself on the back about how well I was taking it, delighted with myself.
But in hindsight I was on autopilot, I was numb. Because about 5/6 months later it hit me like a tonne of bricks and those were some very dark times.
At that point the sympathy from family/friends had dried up because it wasn't a new thing anymore, which made it a bit harder to deal with. They couldn't understand why I was suddenly upset, because "sure ye broke up ages ago?".
So that's something to be mindful of and prepared for.

You need to be extremely kind to yourself and find a new normal. If you find yourself interested in or wanting something, try to fulfill it if you can, no matter how small.
It will help your confidence to feel like you are ticking boxes and achieving goals, no matter how trivial they are.
I took on a vigerous gym program to get myself into great shape, but I also treated myself extensively to nice food and treats. Counter productive maybe, and it made getting to my goal take a little longer, but so worth it.

Distraction is key, I can't emphasise that enough. But please don't forget, you are an educated skilled woman who will be employed again in no time. You have a lot to offer in a relationship and someone will see your worth & snap you up when the time is right.

The experience you have gained from this unsuccessful relationship will be invaluable to you in the future when it comes to setting standards and boundaries with a new partner.

Some of the best advice I got in regards to my ex partner and dating in general is "If he wanted to, he would, and he didn't". And he didn't for a reason - because he's not meant for you. Someone will move the sun, moon and stars to be with someone if they really, really want to. So stop blaming yourself and making excuses for your ex (because you will, at some point of the grieving process). It is what it is and this has put you further along on your path to finding your future partner.

You will be happy again. I'm about 18 months out the other side now, and I can finally see the relationship objectively for what it was. We weren't compatible long term, we had grown apart, and we were both unhappy. I don't want any of those things from a long term relationship so even though it broke me, in the long run he did me a favour.

Be kind to yourself and look after yourself. You will get to where you're supposed to be in the end x

Goodigal

You have gotten some great advice in this thread.

Yes, it is a time for grieving the loss of the 'future' of your relationship, but you still have a future, just a totally different one. It took me about 9 months to completely stop being upset at the end of a very long relationship and marriage, but almost 2 years later, I am loving life. A totally different life. A messy, busy, single parenting life!

You are in a great position in terms of your choice of career - there are schools crying out for teachers all over this country. I wish you well finding a post. Take your time to recover from this - you will emerge a totally different person when you are ready. The strength is in you to get past the bad days. Good luck!

splinter65

I’m so sorry for you. I’m afraid I’ve no advice just wanted to show my sympathy.

lainey_d_123

Just wanted to echo what the other posters have said - I also came out of a very long relationship at 29, and had to restart my life. It was literally like starting my whole life again from scratch, moving out of the home we shared and having to flatshare with randomers, make new friends (most of the mutual friends we had were originally his and it was too painful to see them as they reminded me of him), basically build myself up again. I still remember how utterly broken I felt, as if I would never be happy again. I'd gone from talking marriage and kids to being single for the first time in years. And at the age where everyone else seems to be getting engaged and settling down.

It sounds cheesy but it honestly was the making of me. It forced me to get outside my comfort zone and think about what I really wanted from life. I met loads of new people through meetups and sports groups, picked up some old hobbies and some brand new ones. Finally got to travel and visit some places I'd always dreamed of - my ex had insisted we couldn't afford to travel....turns out he was just spending all his disposable income on drinking and that I had different priorities. I realised I was so much stronger and more capable than I'd thought through stuff like the independent travel in far flung places. I dated and reconsidered what I wanted from a relationship, which was obviously very different at 30 to how it had been at 22 when I met my ex. I lived abroad several times. I had a major career change. It felt like being set free to live the life I'd actually wanted and I realised just how small my world had become in that relationship and how much I'd compromised on so many things.

I'm not saying it was all plain sailing. I had several huge wobbles in the first year post break-up where I felt like it was all a huge mistake and we shouldn't have broken up. He moved on quickly and started seeing his now wife within 4-5 months on the breakup. It stung when they got engaged within a year and I was still single. I'm sure you'll experience the same. But that was more about the loss of the life we'd planned together rather than the loss of him, if that makes sense? I came to realise how much happier I was without him and how much that relationship had eroded my confidence. My life now looks totally different to how it did five years ago when we broke up - in a good way. I feel like I'm finally me again, doing what I want to do, as you will too.

And take it from someone in their mid thirties, 28 is so, so young! I wish so much I could go back to when I was 29 and give myself a good shake for feeling like I was old and wasting so much time worrying instead of being out there having fun. You are still very young and have a world of possibilities in front of you!

bitofabind

Curlyhatescurls wrote: »

Your words moved me to tears bitofablind. I'm typing this crying, everything you said rings true and hurts and I am grieving. I'm grieving the loss of him and our future every minute of the day, it's such a raw pain. And you're spot on, being home means I feel safe and can process it all. I'm going to ring up the local resource centre tomorrow and find some low cost counselling- it feels like an awful lot for me to process alone so I'd be grateful for a professional to guide me through it.
Thank you so very much for your moving words and support; I hope 2020 is full of growth and happiness xx

Great idea about finding a counsellor. I started therapy about a year after my breakup and it's probably one of the best things I've ever done for myself. It can be painful, but having a healthy space to get it all out and process everything with an unbiased professional is a direct route to growth and healing. These challenging life events are where we grow and change the most I find.

You sound like a truly lovely, warm and smart person and in time you'll begin to really see and appreciate that about yourself. We can't control these hardships in life, a really sad thing has happened and these things will continue to happen at certain stages in your future, but being able to handle yourself with dignity and compassion during these times is one of the greatest life skills you can have.

So keep doing what you're doing. This too shall pass.

Neyite

I'm another one that got dumped at 28 (what is it about that age range eh??) when I had been thinking we were headed towards marriage and babies. I had to move in with my parents who lived 1.5hrs away from work, I had nothing in savings and had a min-wage job. Added into that it was a volatile and unhealthy relationship in hindsight so I had unhealthy self defeating thought processes and emotionally I was a mess as a result of it. I was in shock really I think.

I did counselling - just for me for someone to talk to and unpick the strings of thoughts and worries in my head bit by bit. It was transformational for me tbh. I couch-surfed with some work friends and relatives for a couple of months until I scraped together a deposit and first months rent. I did what you are doing now, ruthless de-cluttering and getting rid of things that held complicated memories. I stayed single for a year and focused on myself and healing.

I took up hobbies or activities that I could never do with my ex. I cooked all the stuff I liked but he hated. I changed my hair to something I knew he'd hate but I'd always wanted to do. I wrote my feelings in a journal and one year on I had a ceremonial burning of it to mark how well I'd moved on and tried out a couple of dates.

Around this time, I met a guy I used to work with who was also now single. Always a sound guy but he'd had a girlfriend and I was with ex so neither of us had even had the other on our radar. We started to text and hang out from time to time, and before long we'd developed feelings for each other. 15 years on we are still mad about each other, have our family and I've the home life I always wanted with someone very special. But you know, if i hadn't sorted my head out with the counselling I don't think it would have lasted - I had learned the value of me, and I think that made all the difference.

I dodged a bullet big time with my ex. I kinda knew that at the time but it still hurt like mad and I was hurting mainly for feeling like I'd ended back at square one while he kept the flat and the friends and it felt like I'd nothing. And it especially stings if it looks like they've moved on with someone else and you are still piecing back your life (which happened in my case) But it does get better, and you will look back and see all the ways he was wrong for you.

Right now though - do the stuff that you never got to do with your ex. Go to the places he would never go, eat the food he never liked, go cold turkey on no contact with him - social media/ places he's likely to go. When your feelings for him fade to nothing you can look him up on facebook again if you feel like it but for now block him on everything so you don't experience a setback by a photo of him on a night out or with someone.

Just take it day by day and be kind to yourself. You've had a big life change so it takes time.

mobileforest

Curlyhatescurls wrote: »

Hi All,
My world was completely turned upside down right before Christmas. Long term relationship of 6 years ended suddenly because my boyfriend 'wants to find himself' and 'is not ready for commitment'.
We moved to the UK over 2 years ago where I trained to be a primary school teacher and we also have a dog. When he dumped me (with no warning, no arguments at all)I went into auto-pilot. I could not afford rent alone, with a dog, in the UK, on my short term supply teacher contracts. So I handed in my notice, worked the month of December (and emptied out an entire house alone) said goodbye to my friends. I packed up my car with the dog and moved back to Ireland to my family home.

I feel completely lost and bereft and feel like there is no aspect of my life that has turned out right, even though I've worked so hard. I'm currently trying to register with the teaching council (a nightmare in itself) and as I'm living rurally job prospects feel dismal. Renting feels impossible, I'm currently doing a part time masters online that I'm paying for so I have no savings.

We were about to sign a mortgage in the UK, I thought I'd be settling down and planning a wedding and kids.
As well as dealing with the heartbreak, I've completely lost my independence, I feel so low in myself that I have to live with my parents. I'm unemployed. I'm single. My friends all live in Dublin and I can't possibly afford to live in Dublin and I can't face living like a student again with random housemates. I just don't know what to do!
I get by each day trying to keep a routine- scrubbing the house, repainting the bathroom, emptying the attic. I just feel like I'm about to drown. Please, does anybody have any words of advice? How do I regain independence? How do I regain self-confidence? I'm completely shattered.

As I am a guy you may need to alter my advice to make it more "gender-appropriate" but when faced with a similar point in life I found it helpful to work on myself. Join a gym or a running/etc club. Exercise will improve both your physical appearance (ie confidence) and mental health. The added bonus of a sports club will give you new social contacts in your current environment instead of pining away over lost friends in Dublin and the UK (speaking of which, maybe step away from social media as it makes it hard to break from our old circles while trying to form new ones). Watch out for pitfalls. You have lost your identity in a way. Right now you are at risk of either latching on to another guy who may not be what you want or need which could lead to either you or him becoming hurt in the fallout. Or drowning your misery in unhealthy habits like alcohol, drugs, or similar. Likewise, I'd not rule out living like a student again. You have retreated back to the 'rents house at the moment but it can become a gilded cage if you're not careful. Make a short term place to bring yourself back to fiscal independence (including accommodations) and stick to it.

Find a counsellor. It might help you get over the loss of your old life and I don't mean loss of the BF but loss of the person you were living as these last few years because that woman is now gone. Learn from the experience. Maybe next time, get the marriage before you move in together with shared bills. To put it crudely, don't play house with your boyfriend. In my situation, I became quite traditional after with regards to my views on marriage and living together and it has benefited me (happily married now).

Curlyhatescurls

Hi All,

Apologies for my delay in replying to you. Firstly, I want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart- I am astounded at the utter kindness, love and support from all of you. Your messages have really been keeping me strong and picking me up every day. Each of you have given me really valuable perspectives on my situation and have shown me a way to move forward whilst also being gentle with myself.
I've signed up for counselling. I've gone round to the local schools for a chat and to drop off my CV and documents. I've asked friends to keep an eye out for me for accommodation in Dublin. And I've organised some get togethers with friends over the coming weeks so that I always have something sociable to look forward to!
I will keep you all updated, I don't know what the next few months will bring but I'm feeling less terrified now because of all of you lovely people. Thank you xxx

Redser87

Good for you OP, you've taken some really positive steps to get yourself back on track. Good luck with everything.

Dog day

Hi OP, I’ve been following this thread & can see that you’ve already been given some really considerate & sensible advice overall. I just wanted to add some insights which may be of help.

Noticing the trend here of long term relationships finishing when people hit their late twenties & my theory on this is (I hope!), actually a pretty positive one....it’s my belief that throughout our twenties we’re still somewhat finding our way in life, from how we interact in friendships, familial relationships to romantic connections too & indeed making those all important career choices.

It’s a period of our lives where we’re getting to know ourselves better & although a persons basic characteristics are fully formed this tends to be a time where we learn, grow & start making some of the biggest decisions of our lives, often ‘coming to a head’ in our late twenties or early thirties.

Here’s the wonderful part...your thirties can be an absolutely amazingly exciting time! Here’s why....you know yourself better, you have the benefit of more life experience & you’ll have grown & learnt so much from the tough times like right now. At only 28 you have so many adventures ahead of you!

You genuinely sound like such a nice person, even taking the time to sincerely thank the posters here for trying to help.

You’ve even already taken concrete positive steps to move on. That’s amazing!! Please give yourself major praise for that, look in the mirror, smile at yourself.

I have no doubt you’ll be fine. Wishing you lots of love & luck. All will be well.

MrKingsley

Dog day wrote: »

You genuinely sound like such a nice person, even taking the time to sincerely thank the posters here for trying to help.

You’ve even already taken concrete positive steps to move on. That’s amazing!! Please give yourself major praise for that, look in the mirror, smile at yourself.
.

A thousand times this. Especially the last 3 words

The chan chan man

Went through the same with my ex at 26. I’m now late 30s married with 2 kids, house, job etc. It gets better! You’re still young, enjoy!

Curlyhatescurls

Hello everyone! Sorry to bother you all again, I am looking for your opinions on the following and would be very grateful to hear anyone's point of view.
I have been feeling like I would like to move back to the UK. I had set up a good support group of different friends over there before I left. I have really been trying to get work out here but it feels very difficult and accommodation is so very expensive and hard to come by (let alone renting with a dog!). I love my family but I feel very isolated, it is extremely rural and all the young people in the nearest village have moved away to the cities or emigrated.

Where I was in the UK, I could get a nice 1 bed apartment with my dog and I have access to a good social life - I could join a gym and meet friends in the evenings after work. Getting a job is also tricky but easier than here - I am qualified to teach there and won't have half as many hoops to jump through.

I'm hurting a lot and everything feels so muddled up, I'm terrified of making the wrong decision and landing myself back in a city when I haven't made a proper go of it here. I just get a strong gut sense that I don't want to live out here in the middle of nowhere. And my quality of life in the UK would be better than trying to scrape money together for an awful place in Dublin where I'm stuck commuting and cannot afford a social life.
I'm wary of trusting my feelings because my ex is obviously still back there, and I'm not sure if part of my wanting to be back there is tied up in memories of my old life etc.

How do I process all of the above and come to a decision? I feel like I'm going insane!

p.s
I have my first counselling app next week so will also dump all of this on her, I'd love if she could just tell me what to do...

Springfields

Curlyhatescurls wrote: »

Hello everyone! Sorry to bother you all again, I am looking for your opinions on the following and would be very grateful to hear anyone's point of view.
I have been feeling like I would like to move back to the UK. I had set up a good support group of different friends over there before I left. I have really been trying to get work out here but it feels very difficult and accommodation is so very expensive and hard to come by (let alone renting with a dog!). I love my family but I feel very isolated, it is extremely rural and all the young people in the nearest village have moved away to the cities or emigrated.

Where I was in the UK, I could get a nice 1 bed apartment with my dog and I have access to a good social life - I could join a gym and meet friends in the evenings after work. Getting a job is also tricky but easier than here - I am qualified to teach there and won't have half as many hoops to jump through.

I'm hurting a lot and everything feels so muddled up, I'm terrified of making the wrong decision and landing myself back in a city when I haven't made a proper go of it here. I just get a strong gut sense that I don't want to live out here in the middle of nowhere. And my quality of life in the UK would be better than trying to scrape money together for an awful place in Dublin where I'm stuck commuting and cannot afford a social life.
I'm wary of trusting my feelings because my ex is obviously still back there, and I'm not sure if part of my wanting to be back there is tied up in memories of my old life etc.

How do I process all of the above and come to a decision? I feel like I'm going insane!

p.s
I have my first counselling app next week so will also dump all of this on her, I'd love if she could just tell me what to do...

Trust your gut - it will not steer you wrong..
If you are just renting over there what's the worst that can happen?
Uou sound like a very sensible person who had already weighed up.pros and cons, so if there are more reasons to go, then go..
Trust yourself ...best of luck

Kraft.l

Curlyhatescurls wrote: »

Hi All,
My world was completely turned upside down right before Christmas. Long term relationship of 6 years ended suddenly because my boyfriend 'wants to find himself' and 'is not ready for commitment'.
We moved to the UK over 2 years ago where I trained to be a primary school teacher and we also have a dog. When he dumped me (with no warning, no arguments at all)I went into auto-pilot. I could not afford rent alone, with a dog, in the UK, on my short term supply teacher contracts. So I handed in my notice, worked the month of December (and emptied out an entire house alone) said goodbye to my friends. I packed up my car with the dog and moved back to Ireland to my family home.

I feel completely lost and bereft and feel like there is no aspect of my life that has turned out right, even though I've worked so hard. I'm currently trying to register with the teaching council (a nightmare in itself) and as I'm living rurally job prospects feel dismal. Renting feels impossible, I'm currently doing a part time masters online that I'm paying for so I have no savings.

We were about to sign a mortgage in the UK, I thought I'd be settling down and planning a wedding and kids.
As well as dealing with the heartbreak, I've completely lost my independence, I feel so low in myself that I have to live with my parents. I'm unemployed. I'm single. My friends all live in Dublin and I can't possibly afford to live in Dublin and I can't face living like a student again with random housemates. I just don't know what to do!
I get by each day trying to keep a routine- scrubbing the house, repainting the bathroom, emptying the attic. I just feel like I'm about to drown. Please, does anybody have any words of advice? How do I regain independence? How do I regain self-confidence? I'm completely shattered.

Not an expert but would you teach Tefl if you have a degree you could do a course for 6 weeks and teach English abroad, some guy I was talking to said he was looking for people to teach in China €3000.00 a month, he said he's going to advertise this on jobsireland.ie
You don't need to know Chinese.
The guy is a teacher from Ireland and he's been over there six years, quality of life is excellent he says.

fits

There are other options in Ireland besides rural life or Dublin. Limerick, cork, waterford, Athlone etc would all offer a nice quality of life. I can understand your reasons for looking at going back but suspect your ex is one of those reasons.

candycock

Curlyhatescurls wrote: »

Hi All,

Apologies for my delay in replying to you. Firstly, I want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart- I am astounded at the utter kindness, love and support from all of you. Your messages have really been keeping me strong and picking me up every day. Each of you have given me really valuable perspectives on my situation and have shown me a way to move forward whilst also being gentle with myself.
I've signed up for counselling. I've gone round to the local schools for a chat and to drop off my CV and documents. I've asked friends to keep an eye out for me for accommodation in Dublin. And I've organised some get togethers with friends over the coming weeks so that I always have something sociable to look forward to!
I will keep you all updated, I don't know what the next few months will bring but I'm feeling less terrified now because of all of you lovely people. Thank you xxx

I've been following your thread OP, everything your doing is positive so keep at it, things will work out better for you.