Does being to slow to make a move really turn girls off?

JW_20_93

Bit of background info:

So there is a girl is my uni class that is a really good friend and we just seem to click. Prior to asking her out she just got out of a 7 year relationship 4-5 months before that. We began as friends but things started to change. We texted a lot even into the night, texting me at 3am when shes out with her friends, sending me audio recordings of her playing the piano, saying i'd get along great with her home town friends, had plans to bring to this café she likes in Cork, started hanging out one on one, topics getting personal to the point of sexual etc.

We went on three dates, of which we both enjoyed, held hands had fun but I never made any move. I tried to kiss her at the end of the second date after giving her a hug, but stalled and she then showed me her cheek. After the third date she invited in to hers for a "tea" but I never made a move due to insecurities about a medical problem I had a few years back. I had to have something removed due to a lump and it kills me to say it here and eats my confidence, it has makes me extremely insecure when getting intimate and gives me feelings of unworthiness.

A week after our third date I went to her house, but no moves were made again due to the reason above as much as I wanted to. Following morning I was told she wasn't ready for a relationship.

She said things that were kind of hurtful, stuff that didn't match other things that were said or said in the past, and was just downright confusing...

- She said she wasn't ready for a relationship.
- She said she didn't want to be on the dates in the first place and had to put a mask on, and tried to avoid the whole situation. She didn't answer me when I asked why she went on those dates. Didn't want to label the outings as dates. But her parents knew she was seeing me, something of which was mentioned on those dates.
- She wanted to kiss me when I asked her out.
- Said I was growing on her and she was beginning to like me.
- There were red flags.
- She said maybe to something in the future, whatever happens happens.

I don't know what I did wrong tbh, everything seemed right when I asked her out, everything seemed okay when we were on "dates". The rug feels like it was pulled from under me.

All I can do is point it to not making a move soon enough? Is that really a big deal?

osarusan

From her perspective, there's a guy who asked her out, had a great time together, but when it came to the physical side of things, was not interested for some reason. Rather than her just getting fed up with waiting for the other person to make a move, she has probably interpreted all this as meaning you just aren't all that attracted to her.

The insecurity/lack of confidence because of the previous medical issue is definitely something for you to work on though, for your own sake, for this relationship and any future ones.

It's possible that if you were to meet her and explain what really is behind your apparent lack of interest/attraction, you might even get things back on track.

Millionaire only not

Tricky one , try dating a friend of hers to make her jealous if u really want her !

The more u run after them the less they want u , play hard to get treat them mean keeps them keen and it does work!

You asked her out and rejected her multiple times by not making a move - it's not rocket science, she's protecting herself because of this.

Next time you see her explain yourself and why you didn't make a move.

Not being smart but what would you do if the situation was reversed, she made it quite clear inviting you back for tea etc and you have constantly rejected her, what do you expect her to do.. she probably feels like crap, only so many times she could have made it clear to you and each time you have rejected her.That is going to dent someone's confidence and push you away what is exactly what she has done, understandably.

qwerty13

Millionaire only not wrote: »

Tricky one , try dating a friend of hers to make her jealous if u really want her !

The more u run after them the less they want u , play hard to get treat them mean keeps them keen and it does work!

All this will do is upset her, and make her feel even worse than his current rejection of her has already done. I think this is terrible advice, which is pretty much saying treat her like cr*p to mess with her head. Lovely.

Millionaire only not

qwerty13 wrote: »

All this will do is upset her, and make her feel even worse than his current rejection of her has already done. I think this is terrible advice, which is pretty much saying treat her like cr*p to mess with her head. Lovely.

She needs a wake up call !
If she sees him enjoying himself she be all over him like a rash if they get on !

Pac1Man

Millionaire only not wrote: »

Tricky one , try dating a friend of hers to make her jealous if u really want her !

The more u run after them the less they want u , play hard to get treat them mean keeps them keen and it does work!

You really are terrible at offering 'advice'. A minimum post requirement would do wonders for this forum.

Millionaire only not

Pac1Man wrote: »

You really are terrible at offering 'advice'. A minimum post requirement would do wonders for this forum.

She’ll keep him dangling wait and see !
Kinda like I’ll see what’s around and I’ve him to fall back on !

woodchuck

Mod note:

No more back and forth arguing please - let's keep things on topic and only post if you have advice for the OP.

Millionaire only not, you're walking the line with your advice. I consider it borderline pickup artist muppetry, which is not tolerated here. Consider this a warning.

Neyite

Her reasons are all over the place and in the end they dont matter. Whatever happened on your date the spark wasn't there and she doesn't want to take it further with you. That's no reflection on you. I've met plenty of lovely guys in my single days that I'd have loved to have felt that spark with. I even went out with one for several months because everyone said we were good together. And as friends we were. As a couple it was awful.

Unfortunately in the dating era it's deemed less hurtful to tell someone that you aren't ready for a relationship or that you want to focus on your studies or whatever when in reality, she just didn't click with you physically. Its no reflection on you. I've dated gorgeous guys that I had zero attraction for, and plain guys that I fancied the arse off. It's just chemicals or something.

I'd chalk it up to her just not being into you and move on to find someone else that seems nice for a date.

Neyite

Neyite wrote: »

Her reasons are all over the place and in the end they dont matter. Whatever happened on your date the spark wasn't there and she doesn't want to take it further with you. That's no reflection on you. I've met plenty of lovely guys in my single days that I'd have loved to have felt that spark with. I even went out with one for several months because everyone said we were good together. And as friends we were. As a couple it was awful.

Unfortunately in the dating era it's deemed less hurtful to tell someone that you aren't ready for a relationship or that you want to focus on your studies or whatever when in reality, she just didn't click with you physically. Its no reflection on you. I've dated gorgeous guys that I had zero attraction for, and plain guys that I fancied the arse off. It's just chemicals or something.

I'd chalk it up to her just not being into you and move on to find someone else that seems nice for a date.

Sorry that's absolute rubbish in op case.

leggo

Neyite wrote: »

Her reasons are all over the place and in the end they dont matter. Whatever happened on your date the spark wasn't there and she doesn't want to take it further with you. That's no reflection on you. I've met plenty of lovely guys in my single days that I'd have loved to have felt that spark with. I even went out with one for several months because everyone said we were good together. And as friends we were. As a couple it was awful.

Unfortunately in the dating era it's deemed less hurtful to tell someone that you aren't ready for a relationship or that you want to focus on your studies or whatever when in reality, she just didn't click with you physically. Its no reflection on you. I've dated gorgeous guys that I had zero attraction for, and plain guys that I fancied the arse off. It's just chemicals or something.

I'd chalk it up to her just not being into you and move on to find someone else that seems nice for a date.

Gotta disagree on this one. If the spark isn’t there and you’re just not feeling it, you don’t do stuff to escalate it like tell your parents and invite them back to your home. All of her actions prior to ‘the chat’ were that of someone very interested, the only thing that changed was OP got in his own head about his past health issues and it ruined the mood. She doesn’t know about those insecurities or issues so likely took it as a rejection, hence her all over the place speech to protect herself.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

If she's 6 months out from a 7 year relationship and ye're college age then yeah she might be hesitant about starting a new relationship, it'll be scary. It certainly reads like she was attracted to you, but given the mixed signals she received decided "I'm not interested in this it's too confusing". I can sympathise with her and her motivations, though possibly she lashed out a bit when talking to you.

I think this confidence issue with your body is something you'll have to resolve or this will keep happening. These were pretty much ideal circumstances, this was someone you knew, trusted, weren't just hopping into bed.

Presuming it's a testicle you're talking about, there are prosthetic options. My brother has actually just been through this, the surgical team made the call that the risk of infection was too high to insert the prosthesis at the same time as the removal but emphasised that it was a simple, quick option once healing was finished. He's said one of the things he's most grateful for is that he's in a LTR, because the thought if dating is terrifying. I'd imagine start with your GP, or contact the urology department that took care of you.

If you've already looked into this and it's not an option (or if it's something other than a testicle and there isn't a prosthesis option) then this is going to be a difficult but important obstacle for you to overcome, it may well require therapy.

When you like someone enough a weird willy isn't going to put you off, let's be honest, they're all basically bizarre when you take a minute. But that sort of unexplained hot and cold behaviour after a long build up will put people off. Girls your age can be so so callous and cruel with men's feelings so I'm sorry if part of this is stemming from an actual bad experience rather than fear of one, people do overall get kinder as you go on.

It's not so much that you took too long to make a move, if you'd talked to her and explained it could well have gone different. You don't have to be explicit or detailed right up front, just some sort of assurance that you like her, you want this, but you have an issue with your confidence and need to take things slowly.

wiggle16

It sounds to me like she's not really sure what she wants and wasn't really that sure she liked you. There was nothing stopping her from making the move herself, but she didn't. Normally that can be put down to shyness, but she wasn't shy, she invited you over for "tea" etc. I think she was doing what a lot of people do when they go on dates with people they're not very very keen on - she was giving it a chance and seeing where it went. And when it went nowhere, she probably thought you weren't that into it either.

I don't think she went off you - I don't think she was ever "on" in the first place. The things she said to you are not internally consistent and strikes me as someone who was babbling and throwing out clichés, which is what people do when they don't want to hurt someone's feelings but don't want to go out with them. Especially inexperienced people. That's why I don't think it was a reaction to perceived rejection.

She should have been honest with you and just told you "look, I'm just not feeling it, so it would be wrong for us to continue seeing each other". Unfortunately she didn't. Apologies if I'm wrong, but it does sound to me like neither of you are very experienced with dating and that's part of why things went this far with nothing happening.

I don't think she went off you, I think she thought there might be a fair chance that it could work out and turn into something more because she liked you and found you attractive, she felt she should give it a go, but it didn't go anywhere. She also could have made a move.
Neither of you made a move and OP in all honesty I think that's good thing, because if you'd had sex and THEN she had come out with this spiel, things would be far more awkward. You'd be wondering if it was your "performance", you'd be wondering if it was your medical problem, you'd be wondering what went wrong. As things are, you can move on and probably retain the friendship to some degree.

I agree with the above poster that some counselling might help you because you sound very preoccupied by your problem (I'm guessing some sort of scarring?) and it's knocking your confidence a lot. But I would move on from this girl. It's nothing you did wrong, in my opinion. I don't think this would have worked out anyway.

wiggle16

Ulises Modern Bowler wrote: »

When you like someone enough a weird willy isn't going to put you off, let's be honest, they're all basically bizarre when you take a minute.

+1 to this.

I presume it is something to do with your bits and bobs. OP no two willies are ever alike, they all look a bit mad in their own right. They're not things of beauty to begin with and a person would need to be very, very shallow to be put off someone by a set of male genitals that have scarring or something else unusual, such as a hydrocele or a missing testicle, or scarring after having phimosis corrected. Please don't let it knock your confidence like that.

Neyite

leggo wrote: »

Gotta disagree on this one. If the spark isn’t there and you’re just not feeling it, you don’t do stuff to escalate it like tell your parents and invite them back to your home. All of her actions prior to ‘the chat’ were that of someone very interested, the only thing that changed was OP got in his own head about his past health issues and it ruined the mood. She doesn’t know about those insecurities or issues so likely took it as a rejection, hence her all over the place speech to protect herself.

My point is that he's assuming it's his insecurities that tanked this fledgling relationship but that it could also have been her insecurities that caused it.

A myriad of reasons on her part could be the cause - maybe she felt she had to date someone because her ex had moved on, maybe she was interested in the op then her ex got back in touch. Maybe she's just one of those people who feels that she can't be single. Or maybe she was dating a few guys at the same time and felt one of the others was a better fit.

By all means the OP should work on his issues, but I don't think he should take all the blame here, because to me she sounds like she didn't know what she wants. Pity she couldn't have figured it out before being all hot and cold with him though.

emilymemily

Millionaire only not wrote: »

Tricky one , try dating a friend of hers to make her jealous if u really want her !

The more u run after them the less they want u , play hard to get treat them mean keeps them keen and it does work!

This is very messed up, obviously the poster is very insecure. The only people this sort of behavior attracts is equally messed up people with low self esteem that know nothing other than abuse.

To the OP. From her perspective you wearn't that interested in her but kept her on a sting incase you changed your mind or got bored.
Learn form it and move on.

lawred2

Ivy Large Raceway wrote: »

You asked her out and rejected her multiple times by not making a move - it's not rocket science, she's protecting herself because of this.

Next time you see her explain yourself and why you didn't make a move.

Not being smart but what would you do if the situation was reversed, she made it quite clear inviting you back for tea etc and you have constantly rejected her, what do you expect her to do.. she probably feels like crap, only so many times she could have made it clear to you and each time you have rejected her.That is going to dent someone's confidence and push you away what is exactly what she has done, understandably.

Three dates in and he already has to unload his insecurities on her! Hardly something most people are interested in dealing with in a new relationship.

OP, If you do see her again and the opportunity presents itself, make a move and make something happen. Don't bother with the big chat about your insecurities. If you can't do that and get beyond your insecurities then move on, let her be and find a professional to truly help you overcome whatever your issues are. Because they will only rear their heads again and destruct your next relationship.

lawred2

wiggle16 wrote: »

+1 to this.

I presume it is something to do with your bits and bobs. OP no two willies are ever alike, they all look a bit mad in their own right. They're not things of beauty to begin with and a person would need to be very, very shallow to be put off someone by a set of male genitals that have scarring or something else unusual, such as a hydrocele or a missing testicle, or scarring after having phimosis corrected. Please don't let it knock your confidence like that.

In the interests of full disclosure, mine goes a little to the left

Doesn't seem to bother my lovely wife!!

Western Lowland Gorilla

Ivy Large Raceway wrote: »

You asked her out and rejected her multiple times by not making a move - it's not rocket science, she's protecting herself because of this.

Next time you see her explain yourself and why you didn't make a move.

Not being smart but what would you do if the situation was reversed, she made it quite clear inviting you back for tea etc and you have constantly rejected her, what do you expect her to do.. she probably feels like crap, only so many times she could have made it clear to you and each time you have rejected her.That is going to dent someone's confidence and push you away what is exactly what she has done, understandably.

She could have 'made the move' but she didn't.

Made it obvious she was interested perhaps but didn't make the move herself.

Obvious he was interested too so she could have made the move herself.

leggo

Neyite wrote: »

By all means the OP should work on his issues, but I don't think he should take all the blame here, because to me she sounds like she didn't know what she wants. Pity she couldn't have figured it out before being all hot and cold with him though.

I wouldn’t consider it a case of ‘blaming’ the OP, I tend not to view things in terms of blame and who’s right/wrong personally. For example I agree with the poster who said that she could’ve made a move too. But I also know plenty of women (particularly younger) who see it as the guy’s ‘job’ to make the move and if he doesn’t he’s clearly not interested, completely oblivious to the fact that he could have the exact same concerns as her, which is obviously mistaken but is a very real notion out there. So that’s why it’s not as black and white as anyone being to blame. Whatever it is, it’s just one of those learning experiences we’ve all gone through.

And tbh if it was me I’d much prefer a situation where it was “Oh that happened because I didn’t make a move” to “Oh that happened because...???” He can do something with the former and, for me, there’s actually some evidence of that, whereas there’s zero evidence of stuff like her possibly dating other guys as has been suggested. Again, she told her parents, she invited him back to hers, she left the door open for the future: all signs she’s not or at least wasn’t disinterested in the OP. You go out for a coffee with someone you’re on the fence about, you don’t tell your parents about them and ask them over. So it’s worth his while taking a lesson from this to do some work on his health-related insecurities because, although only this girl can know for sure how she felt, if he’s in situations like this in future and gets in his own head he will miss opportunities and be left in similar spots.

seenitall

Definitely a case of you snooze you loose, IMO.

If I want to get with a guy, I do pretty much all the same stuff that this girl did with the OP. Give him encouragement, hold hands, go on dates, text a lot, take him home. But that last crucial bit is up to the guy. I think I have done quite enough when I have invited someone to my private space to share a cosy evening/night in. If that doesn't say "Come over here and get me, handsome", I don't know what does - I can't, and won't, do everything for him! And it usually works. In fact, it almost always works. And when it doesn't, my interest wanes rather quickly. Women like proactive men.

There is an unwritten rulebook on these things, it is like a delicate little courtship dance. You have to seize the moment when it's right, you have to be able to take advantage of the momentum. Like a surfer getting a hold of a wave, timing is everything. You don't communicate your desire, you don't make a move when you are given your chance, in fact you do not do a single thing to propel a relationship forward by establishing some kind of physical intimacy after you've got numerous green lights = you snooze, you lose.

I understand having insecurities, but insecurities are to be shared with the people you want to be close to. You don't just shut off, do nothing and hope for the best.

Next girl, OP, don't freeze.

And if you freeze - COMMUNICATE.

It was frustrating to read your post. What you had with that girl could have gone so much better for you. Don't make the same mistake again.

Honeydew3456

seenitall wrote: »

Definitely a case of you snooze you loose, IMO.

If I want to get with a guy, I do pretty much all the same stuff that this girl did with the OP. Give him encouragement, hold hands, go on dates, text a lot, take him home. But that last crucial bit is up to the guy. I think I have done quite enough when I have invited someone to my private space to share a cosy evening/night in. If that doesn't say "Come over here and get me, handsome", I don't know what does - I can't, and won't, do everything for him! And it usually works. In fact, it almost always works. And when it doesn't, my interest wanes rather quickly. Women like proactive men.

There is an unwritten rulebook on these things, it is like a delicate little courtship dance. You have to seize the moment when it's right, you have to be able to take advantage of the momentum. Like a surfer getting a hold of a wave, timing is everything. You don't communicate your desire, you don't make a move when you are given your chance, in fact you do not do a single thing to propel a relationship forward by establishing some kind of physical intimacy after you've got numerous green lights = you snooze, you lose.

I understand having insecurities, but insecurities are to be shared with the people you want to be close to. You don't just shut off, do nothing and hope for the best.

Next girl, OP, don't freeze.

And if you freeze - COMMUNICATE.

It was frustrating to read your post. What you had with that girl could have gone so much better for you. Don't make the same mistake again.

100% to all of that above.

Next girl, at the right moment when you are comfortable mention your insecurity. As was said previously no two willies are the same, I know it's an issue to you but most likely only with you.

lawred2

lawred2 wrote: »

Three dates in and he already has to unload his insecurities on her! Hardly something most people are interested in dealing with in a new relationship.

OP, If you do see her again and the opportunity presents itself, make a move and make something happen. Don't bother with the big chat about your insecurities. If you can't do that and get beyond your insecurities then move on, let her be and find a professional to truly help you overcome whatever your issues are. Because they will only rear their heads again and destruct your next relationship.

I don't really get what you mean an unload his insecurity.

He should have made a move and he didn't, whether this can be corrected who knows. He's already showed his insecurity by not making the move when she was basically asking him to..

lawred2

Ivy Large Raceway wrote: »

I don't really get what you mean an unload his insecurity.

He should have made a move and he didn't, whether this can be corrected who knows. He's already showed his insecurity by not making the move when she was basically asking him to..

No he hasn't shown anything. He just never made a move. She has no clue as to the presence of any insecurities. Getting into explaining or detailing as to why he didn't make a move is all far too much nonsense for a fledgling relationship. If he gets another chance, he needs to take it or just leave her alone.

You don't get too many shots at it.

ILoveYourVibes

Its not really something all girls have a united feeling on.