Any Advice? (mixed signals - titled edited by mod)

lillielad

Hey guys,

I am seeing someone only 2 months but it was incredible, we were both having so much fun and got on unbelievably well. Last Saturday she came to mine and everything was fine, we were kissing and **** but I could sense somehting was up, we went into my sitting room and she seemed completely down and I was like is everything ok? She told me she was feeling increidbly down and depressed and did not want to come out today. I said she should have told me and there would have been no issues, everyone cancels on dates. I asked her had i done anything wrong she told me no I have been great. We sorted it and we went for food.

She then asked me to go to a ball on New Years I said grand, I was an idiot and got drunk and brought up Saturday and asked her again stupidly did she 100% want this to continue she said she didn't know, I ended it cause it was too early to be having so many doubts. The next morning we discussed it again and she asked me what I wanted to do, I told her I really liked her and would love for it to continue. She texted me later that day saying she wanted me to be part of her life but was completely off with until Friday.

We booked a hotel a couple of weeks back for Friday, we went down to it but she wasn't talking, was very distant I asked her was everything ok, she said she was continuing to have doubts about us and she does not know what to do. She told me she wasn't treating me fairly and that she doesn't deserve me. I think thats complete bull**** obviously. Due to being distant I asked her does she want to go home and she replied yes because her stomach is at her and she feels like ****. We eneded up leaving the hotel and she ended it, it hurt. When I was getting out of the car she asked me to give her a hug, and then started to kiss me. My head is fried not sure what she wants tbh...

simongurnick

You are both pushing it too much. Just enjoy spending time together. If its meant to be it will fall into place

MEGA BRO WOLF 5000

Christ. Run. She sounds like a head melter. If she doesn’t know what she wants after two months you need to take a step back.

Honeydew3456

Urgh she sounds very emotionally immature and it all seems a bit too dramatic. I guess you need to decide if you are prepared to put up with this hot and cold behaviour until (if) she makes up her mind about what she wants. I wouldn't be hanging around though.

LegacyUser

Call it off if it hasn't already been formalised...it's done

hawkeyethenoo

Run a mile, sounds like there’s another fella involved if she’s saying stuff like she doesn’t deserve you

Millionaire only not

Can I ask your ages ?

leggo

She sounds very like she’s got an avoidant attachment style. Some of the stuff you described is absolutely textbook: starting intense based off amazing chemistry, followed by going completely cold, calling everything into question as plans you’ve made are coming up, breaking up at what most healthy people would consider a peak in a relationship. What you described makes no logical sense, but have a Google about attachment styles and I’d be willing to bet you’ll recognise a lot of stuff, even little things you perhaps haven’t brought up in your OP.

If that’s the case, do yourself a favour and don’t buy into the false belief that you can change/fix this person (or tell them in the hope they’ll fix themselves, avoidant people tend to...well, avoid this kinda stuff). You could play avoidant buckaroo, wait it out and hope she comes back...but even then as things move forward and get more serious, their acts of self-sabotage get more extreme. It’s a hiding to nothing and you’re honestly better off learning about it then avoiding it yourself in future and going for people who are happy to give you stability you can build on instead of chasing someone who’ll get close then push you away for years if you let them (or if they don’t just leave forever first).

leggo

She sounds very like she’s got an avoidant attachment style. Some of the stuff you described is absolutely textbook: starting intense based off amazing chemistry, followed by going completely cold, calling everything into question as plans you’ve made are coming up, breaking up at what most healthy people would consider a peak in a relationship. What you described makes no logical sense, but have a Google about attachment styles and I’d be willing to bet you’ll recognise a lot of stuff, even little things you perhaps haven’t brought up in your OP.

If that’s the case, do yourself a favour and don’t buy into the false belief that you can change/fix this person (or tell them in the hope they’ll fix themselves, avoidant people tend to...well, avoid this kinda stuff). You could play avoidant buckaroo, wait it out and hope she comes back...but even then as things move forward and get more serious, their acts of self-sabotage get more extreme. It’s a hiding to nothing and you’re honestly better off learning about it then avoiding it yourself in future and going for people who are happy to give you stability you can build on instead of chasing someone who’ll get close then push you away for years if you let them (or if they don’t just leave forever first).

CPTM

Sounds like she's one of those people who feels guilty about ending relationships so drip feeds a little affection here and there to soften the blow. That can come both physically through hugs and kisses and even one-nighters, and also through texts and random calls here and there to check in on you.

You deserve to be with someone who is clear about the future and what they want. Don't settle for less than that.

lillielad

Hey guys thank you so much for the messages, I will look up the attachment types and see if I can put my finger on anything. I don't believe she is seeing anyone, we are meeting up now to have a chat. I hope it goes well despite everything. Thanks guys again. I am 28 shes 25.

lillielad

Wet met up and I am still fairly confused, she told me she wants to take a step back when it comes to sex and sh1t but wants to keep dating, she then told me a number of things she didn't like about me such as I asked her last Saturday when she was saying she didn't wanna come out does she stll have feelings for me. I don't think before I speak and that im not currently driving (I was but I live and work in town and Im saving for a home for myself) Am I over thinking or is it pretty much over?

I looked at the Avoidant attachment theory and some of them are standing out such as everything being perfect and now feeling crowded despite nothing changing. Like after our first date she told her family about me and other sh1t. I think what CPTM is saying is true I think she wants to end it but doesn't want to actually say it.

LuciX

lillielad wrote: »

I don't think before I speak and that im not currently driving (I was but I live and work in town and Im saving for a home for myself) Am I over thinking or is it pretty much over?

Like after our first date she told her family about me and other sh1t.

What driving has got to do with this?

Let me guess, all the outings and hotel bill were paid by you and she was fine with it but when it comes to getting herself from a to b driving becomes an issue.

Telling family about you after 1 date, jumping into bed after the 2nd, two months in and want to cut down on the only thing that keep you together at this stage that is sex.

She is not mature enough to be in a relationship.

Get out op. Don't look back. Protect your mental health before she wrecks it.

lillielad

She drives so sometimes collects me, I dont even ask she actually offers so its a bit of a strange one, She has went halves on the hotels but I have paid for every date and spent close to 400 on the ball including the night out like which is a decent bit of money when you get asked close to the last minute. I don't even mind paying for the dates because she has offered all though she hasn't offered the last 2 times + hasn't said thank you which is more annoying. I want to end it and do think its pretty much over but I do really like the girl, but im not a work in progress this is me and I have done my best so its annoying.

qwerty13

Hhmm, it’s sounding like she’s got Princess Syndrome! And that you’re being dumped-but-not-quite-dumped so that you can ‘see the error of your ways’. I’d get well away from her.

bitofabind

You’re attracted to her so that’s clouding your judgement. In reality she’s bringing nothing to the table except for a load of mixed messages and headfcuk.

It’s not this frustrating or complicated when it’s the right person. The right person doesn’t blow hot and cold, nit pick at your life and make you feel like your company is a burden. The right person welcomes you into their life with open arms and puts effort into escalating the relationship with you. They’re thrilled when they see you and accept you as you are. They make you smile and laugh and make you feel safe and secure.

Stop giving this wan so much control over you. Take your power back and end it, block her and move forward.

CPTM

1000s of beautiful girls (both inside and out) to meet out there, some of whom going through this exact same thing inversely and dying to meet someone like you who's also sick of it. Leave this one behind and go find them. She's so immature, not only can she not co-pilot a relationship forward, she doesn't even know how to end it properly. Do her and yourself a favour.

punisher5112

Had a girl like that op.... She fleeced me and then dumped me ended up after 6 months she made contact again and wanted back..,

It hit me hard and I put on near 3 stone....

It ended up after a couple of weeks she was talking about setting up a account that I could transfer money over to get her on her feet....

She got a good few grand off me, o thought I was in love, she had an amazing body so it wasn't my brain thinking at all and she made an absolute fool out of me so in all honesty I was basically funding her.

Lasted around 6 months and 2 so I believe I was very lucky and dodged a huge bullet...

Midnight Sundance

When I first read your post I thought you were both very early 20s. I know from experience that if a relationship is meant to work out then it definitely does not begin with so much drama so early on. Any relationship I've had like this at the beginning was doomed and I wish I could go back to my younger self and save myself a lot of heartache and tell myself to move on as quick as possible.
When I met my now husband there was no games or crap like that. If someone is doubting already then they are not committed.
Get out now and save yourself a lot of heartache in the future

lillielad

Yeah guys Im ending it my head is actually ****ed, I feel like I gave so much even though its been only a month, and she hasn't given much at all, just all this doubting and mixed messages aren't good. I have had a tough enough year last year with family issues, I was going gym and talking to people about these things and I was in a very positive state of mind but I feel like this has made me regress a little.

CPTM

lillielad wrote: »

Yeah guys Im ending it my head is actually ****ed, I feel like I gave so much even though its been only a month, and she hasn't given much at all, just all this doubting and mixed messages aren't good. I have had a tough enough year last year with family issues, I was going gym and talking to people about these things and I was in a very positive state of mind but I feel like this has made me regress a little.

One last word of advice from someone who's been through it. The next thing that can happen is her feeling a bit of a void after you're gone. This void can feel worse than being in a relationship she's not ready for, so she might reach back out to you thinking she's ready. She's really not though.

Also, the familiarity of her might seem to be more attractive to you than an often frustrating dating scene. It's really not though. Best of luck.