the first cut is the deepest

LegacyUser

Hello all. So looking for some words of advice. I am dating a separated man. We were together at the start of last year 4 months after his marriage broke up - it had been breaking down for a long time, he said. His wife had realised she was a lesbian. It was a 10 year relationship.

Our relationship was amazing - really special connection on lots of levels. He broke up with me out of the blue after a few months. I was gutted, but then started doing some reading to ease my heartache...it was clear from that how traumatised he still was from the break down of his marriage. I read a lot of the 'no nos' about dating a separated men and it made sense. I never thought he'd come back. Then he did - 8 months later.

We have been back together for about 3 months now. He said on our first date that he had to make me 'feel safe'. I have not been feeling that way. I think I have been so fixated on him having 'space' that I have been neglecting to assert my own needs. In fact I'm having difficulty even clarifying what they are. I'm away from him now for a couple of week. It's been 2 days since our last text. One need is I would like to hear from him everyday. Another is I would like to have an agreed amount of times I'll see him- maybe twice a week.

I suppose my question is what do I need to bear in mind when stating my needs to a likely still traumatised man who is still only a short time out from such a seminal relationship, and marriage breakdown. It's a tricky and new situation for me, but he's so worth it. I really want us to last through this stage. Thank you all for reading

Honeydew3456

Hi op,

That's a tricky situation alright especially as he is only a year and a half seperated. I am 2.5 years seperated and have dabbled in dating but am aware it's not for me right now at all. Not because I can't trust again or am too hurt, I think it's a mixture of couldn't be bothered and the need to find my own life journey. But that's just me!

I went on a few dates with seperated men and while they were lovely and we got on great, I found the issues they had were profound. I used the word "broken". My own thoughts on it, and from speaking with my single friends is that it seems women can heal faster than men and date with a clean slate quicker. Not generalising here just an observation based on mine and others experience. However, I am no doubt sure this does not apply to all seperated men!

How did he break up with you last time?
What were his reasons?
How did he explain it to you?
Does he have children?
Is he enthusiatic about life in general right now?
Has he a positive mindset?

With all that said, your needs are very important and he is right, he needs to make you feel safe with him again. You can't emotionally connect with someone if you are facilitating them in case they get scared and run off. Never compromise on that.

Did he ask what he can do to move you to that safe level with him?

The texts once a day and meeting twice a week is a completely reasonable and normal expectation. Don't be afraid to mention this. Three months in you shouldn't be anxious about when you are going to hear from him again.

zapper55

I'd be loathe to go back to someone that broke up with me out of the blue unless there were circumstances that have since changed. But it doesnt sound like thats the case here. Of course you feel anxious about things, you are probably waiting for the next break up.

I'd be having a good think about if this is the relationship for you. There's a lot of focus about his feelings and situation in your post but you need to look after your heart. I suspect the chemistry and sex is great and.maybe that's blinding you to what is best for you.

You say he's so worth it but is anyone worth this heartache? How much longer will you walk on eggs shells until his trauma is healed? What about your trauma?

Also maybe he'll do his healing in this relationship then move in. I'd be afraid you are a (long) rebound for him

Honeydew3456

zapper55 wrote: »

Also maybe he'll do his healing in this relationship then move in. I'd be afraid you are a (long) rebound for him

Excellent point!!! I have spoke to those men that do this. Moving from relationship to relationship in rebound, never really investing in each, giving a little and getting a lot, simply living in the moment on a superficial level to get them through. Unaware or careless (not in a vindictive way) about strong feelings on the other side. Thread carefully OP!