Ending a relationship

LegacyUser

I think I need to end my relationship of 7 years, we were due to be married this year, start a family, buy a house, all the major things but his mental health and drug abuse have gotten out of control in recent months and he refuses to admit he needs help. He destroyed Christmas with some really incredibly horrible behaviour which involved telling his 70-year old father he can't wait to see his cold, dead eyes and sending sexual messages to my mother. He is probably about to lose his job too, but he won't face what he's done.

I am in work today, he's probably still in bed or smoking weed in his pyjamas. I want to go home and tell him that it is over, but I am so afraid it will send him over the edge. How do I manage this? I want him to leave, but he literally has nowhere to go. I've called the Guards on him, gotten doctors to see him, everything at this stage. I just don't know what to do.

Timetosaygoodbye2020

Timetosaygoodbye2020 wrote: »

I want to go home and tell him that it is over, but I am so afraid it will send him over the edge. How do I manage this? I want him to leave, but he literally has nowhere to go.

I don't believe you owe him anything so if there's any chance you can go and stay with friends/family and just call him and tell him it's over then do that.

He sounds like a horrible person (for whatever reason) and I can understand your fear about sending him "over the edge" but you are under no obligation to engage with him on this. Just tell him you're done and disconnect as much as possible.

Clearly there is a risk that he will not make this easy on you but living with him seems so much worse.

As with any relationship, there is business to be done when breaking up … are you renting? Who's name is on the lease? How can you retrieve your stuff from your home? If you want to post more info, people can help you work out details.

All of this will have to be looked at BUT the first and most important thing is to get yourself away from this horrible man.

LegacyUser

He's not a horrible person, he's a sick person. But I don't want to leave my home, I need as little disruption to my life as possible in order to recover from this. If I leave, he is likely to something in revenge.

wiggle16

You need to get out of this situation, first and foremost. Even if that means leaving and going to stay with family or friends. You will not be able to think straight about this situation until you've removed yourself from it.

Breaking up with someone face to face is only the right thing to do when you still have some reason to respect your partner. It's not the appropriate thing to do if you are afraid of their reaction. As the poster above has pointed out, you owe him nothing. You can do it over the phone, you can text if needs be.

If you're afraid of his reaction, and especially if you believe he will be violent, I'd strongly suggest you go to your local Garda station and explain the situation and your fears. They will be able to advise you, and should be able to accompany you when you collect your things if you feel it would be risky to do it alone.

I know it's easier said than done, but material things can be replaced. Your mental and physical wellbeing are more important.

ManOfMystery

Timetosaygoodbye2020 wrote: »

but he literally has nowhere to go.

I see this comment (or similar) a lot from people wanting to leave abusive relationships. They still feel a sense of responsibility to the person who has been treating them like crap.

You have to let go of this, for your own good, and put yourself first. He sounds toxic. He is also a grown man, and despite his behaviour, I'm sure he can fend for himself just fine.