Why is he still avoiding me?

LegacyUser

Long story short, a male colleague I had a crush on a few months ago found out that I liked him through office gossip and is actively avoiding me like the plague for weeks now.
We haven't talked in months as a result.
I’m annoyed at myself for naively telling one of my colleagues who, in turn, spread it but equally annoyed at his response as I got the vibe there was a mutual attraction between us.
He will not interact with me anymore and I’m beginning to think its a bit of an overreaction to a woman fancying him and theres more to it?
Do men usually react like this when a woman likes them?
If he doesn't find me attractive or like me, why is it annoying him to the point he is actively avoiding me months down the line?
And is there anyway to come back from the damage done by my naivety and my meddling coworkers?
It has left me feeling like crap if I’m honest and as if I’m repulsive to him and not good enough for him - due to the lengths he goes to, to avoid me...

It’s not as if I ran up to him and told him I was in love with him. I never indicated anything of the sort when we used to talk so as far as he is concerned, this is all hearsay... he never actually heard it from me!

Thanks!

Xterminator

Hi Op

did you ever play chinese whispers when you were a kid?

If you fancied him, and did not chat with him and then he heard it via the grapevine ( because you discussed with colleagues) then 2 points come to mind.

1. what did he actually hear, you don't know.
2. why did you act so immaturely?

He has every right to be very wary of you now. and it could be for various reasons. Perhaps he doesn't fancy you and wants to avoid an embarrassing scenario?
Perhaps he doesn't think you handled the situation very professionally, and as work is a professional environment he thinks it best to avoid you. Perhaps he felt disappointed you may have been discussing him with gossips in the office.

all would be valid points. I find it telling you place all the blame on him, and his behaviour and none on your own. I would suggest that if you wish to clear the air, it is you who needs to approach him, and find out what he has been told, and perhaps he is due an apology.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

did you ever play chinese whispers when you were a kid?

If you fancied him, and did not chat with him and then he heard it via the grapevine ( because you discussed with colleagues) then 2 points come to mind.

1. what did he actually hear, you don't know.
2. why did you act so immaturely?

He has every right to be very wary of you now. and it could be for various reasons. Perhaps he doesn't fancy you and wants to avoid an embarrassing scenario?
Perhaps he doesn't think you handled the situation very professionally, and as work is a professional environment he thinks it best to avoid you. Perhaps he felt disappointed you may have been discussing him with gossips in the office.

all would be valid points. I find it telling you place all the blame on him, and his behaviour and none on your own. I would suggest that if you wish to clear the air, it is you who needs to approach him, and find out what he has been told, and perhaps he is due an apology.

The colleague I told I would have trusted but it doesn’t matter now... that was my mistake - trusting the wrong person. Plus I found out afterwards that her friend fancied him too so I’m sure this was sabotage...It then turned into a circus and other colleagues calling me and bantering when he would come into a room.
I was mortified..
I know I messed up opening my mouth. I blame myself.
I don’t mean to place all the blame on him but I can’t help but feel frustrated that months after, he is still avoiding me?
I have a habit of messing up things..

santana75

Its interesting how the mind has the ability to jump to the absolute worst case scenario in a given situation. So here you have created a narrative and in this story you are now the hideous monster who is being avoided. But this is not the actual truth, it's only a story you have created. And it's a story that reflects what you really think a about yourself. This has nothing to do with anyone else but you and your self perception. You could take that exact same situation with another person and they would react completely different to you. They might have a good self concept and interpret what happened as, wow this guy is very shy and must be really into me. Because a lot of the time we go out of our way to avoid the people we actually fancy. I know I did this myself I the past, found out a girl was into me, proceeded to avoid her at all costs. Why? Awkwardness, not knowing what to say or do.
So I would venture to guess this dude really likes you. But you reacted to his actions by seeing yourself in a negative light. You jumped to a bad conclusion of yourself. And this is the crux of the matter. Recognize that you have a choice in how you respond to things; Negatively or positively. You have no idea what's going on with this guy, but I can tell you for sure whatever is going on is not a negative reflection of you.

Daisy78

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

did you ever play chinese whispers when you were a kid?

If you fancied him, and did not chat with him and then he heard it via the grapevine ( because you discussed with colleagues) then 2 points come to mind.

1. what did he actually hear, you don't know.
2. why did you act so immaturely?

He has every right to be very wary of you now. and it could be for various reasons. Perhaps he doesn't fancy you and wants to avoid an embarrassing scenario?
Perhaps he doesn't think you handled the situation very professionally, and as work is a professional environment he thinks it best to avoid you. Perhaps he felt disappointed you may have been discussing him with gossips in the office.

all would be valid points. I find it telling you place all the blame on him, and his behaviour and none on your own. I would suggest that if you wish to clear the air, it is you who needs to approach him, and find out what he has been told, and perhaps he is due an apology.

Ah for heavens sake, the woman expressed an interest in a colleague to someone she thought she could trust, she didn’t broadcast it to all and sundry. She has done nothing wrong here.

It may be the case that he doesn’t want to get involved with someone he works with. He may be attracted to you but doesn’t want to follow up on it. Nine times out of ten our instincts on this are correct, you can usually tell if someone fancies you. He is totally overreacting to this but there is not much you can do, you can’t force him to interact with you. I think you will just need to carry on as normal until such time as he feels he can speak with you again. To be honest I’d be really annoyed with your other colleague, you told her something in confidence and she had now betrayed that confidence. I’d be having a word with her rather than focusing on your crush.

paw patrol

embarrassedwomanatwork wrote: »

I have a habit of messing up things..

you didn't mess up at all (here anyway)

you told somebody you fancied a fella in your job
I don't know about your fancy man but if he can't take a compliment (whether he is into you or not) then he is a dope and emotionally a gob****e.

sure it may be awkward but you did zero wrong.

apologise for nothing here.

LegacyUser

I just really wish I was a lot shrewder about this. I never felt so strongly about anyone before and I felt like I was gonna burst when I was around him so that’s why I told her over coffee. She told 2 or 3 girls in the office and then before I knew it, everyone knew...

I just wish I could undo the damage done. There was something there between us- I felt it... but it’s ruined now.

Beau Bennett

Daisy78 wrote: »

He is totally overreacting to this but there is not much you can do, you can’t force him to interact with you.

I would argue he is being very reasonable. Its what i would do myself.
It's best to avoid drama in the place of work. By continuing to be friendly he would be fueling the OP dreams. And because it's now work knowledge you will be a couple in others eyes when ye are seen together.

He could equally be interested you and want to keep it hush as not interested.

I would bring it up with him if you are alone, other than that keep it on ice.

Xterminator

Daisy78 wrote: »

Ah for heavens sake, the woman expressed an interest in a colleague to someone she thought she could trust, she didn’t broadcast it to all and sundry. She has done nothing wrong here.

she hasn't committed any cardinal sins. i even said that im not sure an apology is called for, depending on how indiscreet the gossiping was.

but i guess you believe she has no lessons to learn here? EG who she trusted,. how she approached the situation of liking a colleague and how she has dealt with the situation, since he started avoiding her ?

I disagree and believe all 3 of those experiences offer OP a chance to learn, and do better next time.

embarrassedwomanatwork

embarrassedwomanatwork wrote: »

why is it annoying him to the point he is actively avoiding me months down the line?

is there anyway to come back from the damage done by my naivety and my meddling coworkers?

embarrassedwomanatwork wrote: »

I never felt so strongly about anyone before and I felt like I was gonna burst when I was around him … I just wish I could undo the damage done. There was something there between us- I felt it... but it’s ruined now.

What exactly is it that you want? To be able to work together or to actually have a shot at getting together with him?

Until you figure this out, it will be difficult to move past this because if you still fancy him, it will not be easy to hide that. Whereas if you no longer fancied him and wanted to just get on with working with him, this would become apparent and you might have a chance of this happening.

As Xterminator said, you really have no idea of what he has been told and your description of "other colleagues calling me and bantering when he would come into a room" sounds really uncomfortable, I would hate that if I was him.

So I wouldn't take the situation as personally as you seem to be but I would not be optimistic about anything other than a work relationship going forward.

Gorgeousgeorge

I'd say he is giving you a wide berth just to stop any gossip or rumours that might come about after your co worker spilled the beans. We all know the crack with office gossip and how noting can escalate into something very quick

LegacyUser

[Deleted User] wrote: »

What exactly is it that you want? To be able to work together or to actually have a shot at getting together with him?

Until you figure this out, it will be difficult to move past this because if you still fancy him, it will not be easy to hide that. Whereas if you no longer fancied him and wanted to just get on with working with him, this would become apparent and you might have a chance of this happening.

As Xterminator said, you really have no idea of what he has been told and your description of "other colleagues calling me and bantering when he would come into a room" sounds really uncomfortable, I would hate that if I was him.

So I wouldn't take the situation as personally as you seem to be but I would not be optimistic about anything other than a work relationship going forward.

At this point, I would be happy just to move on and work together..
I would of loved a shot of being with him but that’s not going to happen now.
I have beaten myself up so much over this over the last few months and I can’t stop thinking of him no matter how hard I try. I ruined my chances with my stupidity.
The funny thing about all this now is that one of these colleagues who was gossiping is now making a play for him... I’m sure they have taken delight in spilling the beans to him with a fib or 2!
Can I just say we are months down the line now.. is it strange that he’s still giving me a wide berth?

We haven’t spoken in months. Would it be weird to bring it up and address it at this point with a view to moving on? I don’t want to be any more embarrassed then I have been.

Honeydew3456

Embarrassedwomanatwork wrote: »

Can I just say we are months down the line now.. is it strange that he’s still giving me a wide berth?

We haven’t spoken in months. Would it be weird to bring it up and address it at this point with a view to moving on? I don’t want to be any more embarrassed then I have been.

Hi Op,

Seems to me he just was not interested in pursuing anything with you and wanted to cut contact / give a wide berth in order to avoid any expectation that something might develop.

IME when a guy is into a gal he will jump at the chance to date her (reagrdless of working together) and having found out that you were into him should have made his day, if the feeling was mutual. You shouldn't beat yourself up over that though.

I definitely would not bring this up with him. No way! It's been months. It could end up being very awkward and embarrassing. Try to just brush yourself off and move on. Not everyone we fancy will fancy us back and vice versa. C'est la vie.

Hope this doesn't come across as harsh but sometimes the revelation "he's just not that into me" can be a breath of fresh air!

ILoveYourVibes

embarrassedwomanatwork wrote: »

Long story short, a male colleague I had a crush on a few months ago found out that I liked him through office gossip and is actively avoiding me like the plague for weeks now.
We haven't talked in months as a result.
I’m annoyed at myself for naively telling one of my colleagues who, in turn, spread it but equally annoyed at his response as I got the vibe there was a mutual attraction between us.
He will not interact with me anymore and I’m beginning to think its a bit of an overreaction to a woman fancying him and theres more to it?
Do men usually react like this when a woman likes them?
If he doesn't find me attractive or like me, why is it annoying him to the point he is actively avoiding me months down the line?
And is there anyway to come back from the damage done by my naivety and my meddling coworkers?
It has left me feeling like crap if I’m honest and as if I’m repulsive to him and not good enough for him - due to the lengths he goes to, to avoid me...

It’s not as if I ran up to him and told him I was in love with him. I never indicated anything of the sort when we used to talk so as far as he is concerned, this is all hearsay... he never actually heard it from me!

Thanks!

Hi really sorry you are in an awkward situation.

Obviously there wasn't a mutual attraction. And he doesn't like you. You kind of have to accept you got it wrong.

This is negative weird thinking....that you are repulsive because one guy doesn't find you attractive. I mean the type of women HE likes could be totally ugly to you. I mean what if you had to gain 100 lbs to be the kind of girl he likes. Or change your hair color to a color you hate?

I mean in the beautiful woman thread here on boards ...half the woman men fancy ..i am like MAN i would HATE to look like that. That's a really good thing. Its healthy ...it shows i have a healthy ego. It also shows i am slightly judgemental ..but that i also have a healthy ego.

And then what about the next guy ...who likes the opposite so do you then lose the 100lbs ..go back to a diff hair color again?

You are the bomb.

You are just seeking validation through his fancying you.

If he thinks he is better than others ...then he was a spoilt annoying tosser.

Don't let people disrespect you...ever. But first you have to respect yourself.

I really hope you start to feel better and realize ...there are lots of guys out there ..better than him too.

Put him in perspective. Really is he all that? Naw.

He didn't handle this well...its not a good sign.

If a guy doesn't like you....he has bad taste.

ManOfMystery

Personally OP I would just have a chat with him and try and clear the air. It might be a short and slightly awkward chat but at least it will settle things.

He may fancy you but may want to keep things professional in the workplace, or he may not fancy you at all - none of us can answer that for sure. He could also be annoyed that he is (indirectly) the subject of office gossip, even if he does like you.

I would just make it clear to him that you expressed to a colleague that you liked him and didn't intend for any kind of gossip/rumours to start.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Hi really sorry you are in an awkward situation.

Obviously there wasn't a mutual attraction. And he doesn't like you. You kind of have to accept you got it wrong.

This is negative weird thinking....that you are repulsive because one guy doesn't find you attractive. I mean the type of women HE likes could be totally ugly to you. I mean what if you had to gain 100 lbs to be the kind of girl he likes. Or change your hair color to a color you hate?

I mean in the beautiful woman thread here on boards ...half the woman men fancy ..i am like MAN i would HATE to look like that. That's a really good thing. Its healthy ...it shows i have a healthy ego. It also shows i am slightly judgemental ..but that i also have a healthy ego.

And then what about the next guy ...who likes the opposite so do you then lose the 100lbs ..go back to a diff hair color again?

You are the bomb.

You are just seeking validation through his fancying you.

If he thinks he is better than others ...then he was a spoilt annoying tosser.

Don't let people disrespect you...ever. But first you have to respect yourself.

I really hope you start to feel better and realize ...there are lots of guys out there ..better than him too.

Put him in perspective. Really is he all that? Naw.

He didn't handle this well...its not a good sign.

If a guy doesn't like you....he has bad taste.

Your entire post is contradictory. You say that people essentially have their own tastes - but then that the guy has bad taste because he doesn't fancy the OP? He's allowed to like who he likes, it doesn't mean he has good taste OR bad taste - just his own taste, like all of us.

skallywag

OP, I think that you are well out of line for targeting your annoyance towards this chap himself.

It sounds like potentially a very embarrassing situation for him to be in. When your work colleagues banter when he comes into a room I am pretty sure that he is picking up on this, and it could be making things very awkward for him. You need to keep in mind that this was not a case of taking two to tango, he did nothing at all to end up in the situation, and is now possibly the office-gossip hot topic for the last months. I would hate to be in such a situation myself. I know that it was not your intention but it all just smacks of something very juvenile, e.g. my friend wants to know will you go away with her, etc.

I would honestly just leave it be with him. Though most certainly have a word with the person who you confided in.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I know I messed up. I am fully aware how embarrassing this all is for us both. I have often cried and tortured myself over this situation over the last few months and how I messed up with a potential interest YET AGAIN!

And I know it’s embarrassing for him. I’m sure he’s not stupid in that he would of picked up on the messing my colleagues went on with...

I suppose my point is months later and things have quietened down - surely he shouldn’t be avoiding me or ignoring me still?
I never approached him and declared undying love for him so surely this is s bit of an overreaction if it was gossip and the fact I liked him never came from me.

I know I shouldn’t of blabbed but being around him was killing me and I really liked him. I work a lot so I see my coworkers more than my family and friends sometimes so I stupidly believed a colleague was a friend. Only that she told others and I stupidly engaged in chat about it. Then it spread.
I know how bad it is. How stupid I was.

I suppose what I’m still wondering is, is it normal that a grown man would still avoid a woman who fancies him months later...
I never made a move or was inappropriate. In fact, haven’t even spoken to him in months so why keep avoiding me? I’m concerned that something else worrying was said about me!

bitofabind

It all sounds a bit juvenile to be honest OP. The colleagues “bantering” everytime he walked into a room and you feeling like you could “burst” every time you were around him. What’s that all about? It’s not an abnormal experience to fancy a co-worker but all this “I couldn’t contain myself when I was around him, I had to tell someone” stuff is not how a normal rational adult reacts to it.

You’re also writing some script where this whole thing is about you messing up a potential love interest when there’s no evidence this guy felt the same at all. If he’s avoiding you now that would suggest it was never the case. An interested man will not behave like that.

All of this suggests to me you are prone to dramatics and are wildly overthinking what is a pretty unremarkable situation. Colleagues created an awkward situation in this guy’s place of work so he decided to disengage. You might read that as “going out of his way to avoid me”, a more sober interpretation might be he decided to keep things strictly professional.

LegacyUser

OP the only question here is does the avoiding you impact on your work? Do you need to directly interact with him to do your job? If no then just leave it. If he wants to avoid contact with you then thats his choice so just respect it. It sounds like you still have a massive crush on this guy so outside of work requirements I don't think it's healthy to push interaction as you still have it in the back of your mind that you want to be with him and its clearly not a two way street. Be professional and just get on with your work. Your whole work situation sounds very immature if everyone is gossiping like that.

skallywag

embarrassedwomanatwork wrote: »

I never made a move or was inappropriate.

I do not agree with you here, and I think that you need to try to think of this more from his perspective rather than focusing on yourself.

I am trying to put myself in your shoes, and then think how it would play out. So, I tell a guy at work that I fancy a girl at work, he then spreads the word about this, to the stage where she picks up on colleague 'banter' when she comes into my office area (which I am sure is highly humiliating to her), to the point where she then begins to completely avoid me. And this is all playing out in the my workplace, not down the local pub.

To be completely honest with you, my own reaction here would be 'Oh, fook, what have I done, this is really not good etc.' rather than 'what is wrong with this girl that she is still blanking me'.

ILoveYourVibes

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Your entire post is contradictory. You say that people essentially have their own tastes - but then that the guy has bad taste because he doesn't fancy the OP? He's allowed to like who he likes, it doesn't mean he has good taste OR bad taste - just his own taste, like all of us.

From the eye of the object rather than the eye of the beholder. I hope that's a jump you can make.

The eye of the subjective object vrs the eye of the beholder who has the individual taste to dislike the object.From the point of view of the subjective object it must always be bad taste.

Its about a healthy ego.

Yes he has bad taste.

Its not a contradiction its a paradox. Two people can have opposing views on perception and both be right.

My perception is he has bad taste. His perception is he that has good taste. And If we can both be right. Then i ...am also right. He has bad taste.

Do you understand?

Its about transforming yourself from a sexual object into a sexual being.

She only felt less than when observed by him. Sooooo existentialist

His taste became hers...his eye became hers ...she became an object to herself. She dehumanized herself. That is never healthy.

ManOfMystery

As a longtime poster in PI, I'm all too aware of the charter. Which prevents me from calling out posts which are pretentious, nonsensical, patronising, overblown and grandiose - especially ones which repeatedly come from the same user who likes to write paragraphs when a sentence would suffice.

That's a shame.

skallywag

ManOfMystery wrote: »

...especially ones which repeatedly come from the same user who likes to write paragraphs..

An actual paragraph would be a step forward?

ILoveYourVibes

Sorry if it seems grandiose. I am actually quite a humble person. I may not express myself easily in a casual way because i am awkward and kind of well ...weird.

OP

You have to be the person looking out from yourself not the person looking in at yourself.

It has left me feeling like crap if I’m honest and as if I’m repulsive to him and not good enough for him - due to the lengths he goes to, to avoid me

Stop looking at yourself from the outside. Be yourself on the inside. You are not even experiencing life anymore. You are too busy worrying how this guy sees you.And HOW this guy sees you is becoming your experience of life and how you see yourself. And its causing you TERRIBLE distress.Do you see that?

When you look in a mirror who is the real one? You are starting to think the girl in the mirror is the real one. People around us are a mirror of ourselves. Sometimes we rely on them to tell us we are smart or stupid or pretty etc. And its as damaging as any kind of body dysmorphia experienced when looking in the mirror. Look at the strength of your language? Repulsive? He made you feel repulsive?


Another person cannot be what makes you see yourself as you do. You have to be on the inside looking out at the world. Not how you imagine the world or any individual person is looking at you.

Try and have more fun. Forget about what he thinks or how he sees you. Stop thinking about what you look like to others. Just live life. All you are currently feeling is the distress caused by imagining how he sees you or feels about you. You IMAGINE this distress is going to be relieved by finding out he has FAVORABLE feelings about you or a favorable image. It might not be though. And what if he never has a favorable image of you?

You can't rely on others for validation. Nor can I and nor can anyone else. Other people's opinions are a part of them not me.

wiggle16

ManOfMystery wrote: »

As a longtime poster in PI, I'm all too aware of the charter. Which prevents me from calling out posts which are pretentious, nonsensical, patronising, overblown and grandiose - especially ones which repeatedly come from the same user who likes to write paragraphs when a sentence would suffice.

That's a shame.

Mod:

If you have a problem with a post or a poster, please report it rather than responding on thread. Thanks.

AulWan

If I were you'd I'd leave sleeping dogs lie. He is either not interested or unavailable. He may not even be into girls.

If he was interested, he would have found a way to let you know.

The best way to get past this?

Start talking casually about some gorgeous guy(s) you flirted with over the weekend (even if you didn't, make it up).

In other words, drop a few clues for your colleagues to pick up on that you've moved on and are looking elsewhere.

Next time, don't tell your work colleagues anything. Think of him as the one who got away.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Thanks for the advice....
Mods can close this thread


Thanks!

achmairt

It's funny - it's ok for a man to express interest in a woman but not the other way around....He feels like you're haunting him and he's running scared. Men like to do the running. Here's what you do: Pretend this is not happening at all and make sure YOU start avoiding HIM. If you see him heading down the corridor let him see you turning into another area to avoid meeting him etc. He'll start wondering 'maybe these rumours are not true at all.' Be as cool as a breeze and stop worrying about what this one said to that one. Be yourself and act as if you haven't a care in the world. Ah and don't tell ANYONE who you fancy in future. It never turns out well. Been there done that!!!

wiggle16

Thread locked at OP's request.