broken up with out of the blue

Twinings2016

Hi all,

So the night of the 21st my boyfriend came over to my house and broke up with me. We were supposed to be exchanging christmas presents, he then blind sighted me entirely and just broke up with me. I thought things were perfect, great in fact. Nothing seemed amiss from my perspective and I think that's why I'm really struggling with it at the moment and it's kind of ruined my Christmas as a result. I think if I anticipated it, I could have braced myself a little. Anyway, I said this to him and he says well we have been fighting a lot lately, however in my honest opinion I wouldn't even classify them as fights.. small arguments or tiffs.. not enough to warrant breaking up over.

We had been together for two years and I was completely besotted with the guy. I was planning our future together and now feel a bit robbed. His dad passed away last year and he said that he is really struggling with this at the moment and needs to see a counsellor as he's depressed. He's terrified to leave his mother's side and would often say that's all he has left (in my head I'd wonder what about me!?). I felt like I was in competition with the mother for his attention. He said he couldn't do both... which I guess meant maintaining his mother, having a relationship and getting his head straight.

I feel completely miserable and I miss him so much, I can't stop checking may phone to see if there are any messages from him.. and I’m just generally heartbroken. I didn't want this to happen and I felt like I was ambushed. Hand on heart, I thought we had a really really good and strong relationship. We would speak all day every day and his company was my favourite. I'm still a little shocked it's all come down to this.

I emphasise with him, but now the longer that time goes on I'm so angry at him for putting me in this position. The thought of facing 2020 without him makes me feel so depressed.

Any advice would be really appreciated, just feel a bit hopeless atm.

Millionaire only not

Twinings2016 wrote: »

Hi all,

So the night of the 21st my boyfriend came over to my house and broke up with me. We were supposed to be exchanging christmas presents, he then blind sighted me entirely and just broke up with me. I thought things were perfect, great in fact. Nothing seemed amiss from my perspective and I think that's why I'm really struggling with it at the moment and it's kind of ruined my Christmas as a result. I think if I anticipated it, I could have braced myself a little. Anyway, I said this to him and he says well we have been fighting a lot lately, however in my honest opinion I wouldn't even classify them as fights.. small arguments or tiffs.. not enough to warrant breaking up over.

We had been together for two years and I was completely besotted with the guy. I was planning our future together and now feel a bit robbed. His dad passed away last year and he said that he is really struggling with this at the moment and needs to see a counsellor as he's depressed. He's terrified to leave his mother's side and would often say that's all he has left (in my head I'd wonder what about me!?). I felt like I was in competition with the mother for his attention. He said he couldn't do both... which I guess meant maintaining his mother, having a relationship and getting his head straight.

I feel completely miserable and I miss him so much, I can't stop checking may phone to see if there are any messages from him.. and I’m just generally heartbroken. I didn't want this to happen and I felt like I was ambushed. Hand on heart, I thought we had a really really good and strong relationship. We would speak all day every day and his company was my favourite. I'm still a little shocked it's all come down to this.

I emphasise with him, but now the longer that time goes on I'm so angry at him for putting me in this position. The thought of facing 2020 without him makes me feel so depressed.

Any advice would be really appreciated, just feel a bit hopeless atm.

On the positive ur too young to be settling down , if u don’t experience new partners at some stage in ur life marriage at early age is doomed !
All the best !

dartboardio

Millionaire only not wrote: »

On the positive ur too young to be settling down , if u don’t experience new partners at some stage in ur life marriage at early age is doomed !
All the best !

Where in the OP did you determine her/his age?...

Twinings2016

Sorry to clarify we are both 30!

Twinings2016

Sorry sorry! on the night of the 21st of December

dartboardio

Twinings2016 wrote: »

Sorry sorry! on the night of the 21st of December

Yes that is what I presumed from your post, was just confused how the other poster thought you were young. Lol!

Anyway, I don't really know what to say, I suppose its a bit worrying that he broke up with you out of the blue, it makes you wonder was it really out of the blue for him? Was it a rash decision?

For him not to give you a set in stone reason, is kinda selfish imo. Have you tried to talk to him at all since?

Millionaire only not

dartboardio wrote: »

Where in the OP did you determine her/his age?...

The first line

dartboardio

Millionaire only not wrote: »

The first line

The night of THE not her 21st/they were exchanging Christmas pressents

anewme

It did originally read as if OP was 21.

Continue with your own plans, your life or your happiness are not not dependant on one individual, otherwise, your options are limited.

Augme

dartboardio wrote: »

For him not to give you a set in stone reason, is kinda selfish imo. Have you tried to talk to him at all since?

There isn't always a set in stone reason though. Sometimes people drift apart or your feelings for another person change and there is no reason for this.

dartboardio

Augme wrote: »

There isn't always a set in stone reason though. Sometimes people drift apart or your feelings for another person change and there is no reason for this.

Yeah but did the bf even state that was the reason? Or just leave her hanging

sadie1502

I lost my mother suddenly and I can really relate to what your boyfriend is going through. You question everything and I mean everything every relationship. I'm now like that with my dad worry about him all the time anxious all the time. I live with my partner and God knows how he puts up with me at times. I've began to take stock and cut people out who I don't feel supported me or were there for me during this time.

Its been 13 months since my mam passed away but it has totally rocked my world part of me died I get so angry and resentful. I would imagine a lot of what your boyfriend is going through is because of the huge loss of his dad.

Maybe give it time call round send a letter keep checking in with him as I would imagine he is in turmoil. No words of wisdom but showing support and patience.

Ticking and Bashing

Sounds like he needs some space to work things through. Some people {including myself} hate arguments - so what might have been minor arguments in your eyes may have felt totally different for him, especially given everything else that has been going on in the background. Give him some space, check up on him over the next few days and see.

blarb

Hi OP,

So sorry to hear of your heartbreak, especially such a shocking one, out of the blue

It sounds like he is going through a tough time, it's good that he is going to seek counselling. It may help him process his emotions. It sounds like he is still grieving his Dad.

I wouldn't be one to advise waiting around on any man. I would advise you to try and process that it's over - it will take time. And what will be will be. If you feel strong enough you could give him some space as the previous poster said and check in with him. I'm always on the fence about maintaining contact, especially when it's a very one-sided break up. But follow your gut.

One flag I did notice from your post is that you said "I was planning our future together" as opposed to "we"... Had you both discussed your future together? Just something that stood out to me.

Take it easy OP, that must be quite a shock to the system. Even without the shock, heartbreak just hits to the core, so give yourself whatever little treats and activities you need for the moment. If you've some close friends or family reach out to them for comfort and support x

zapper55

I'm sorry its happened so suddenly. Maybe it's his grief talking but if I was having a lot of arguments, even small ones, I would also be thinking the relationship mightnt be for me. Granted I'd discuss it with my partner but maybe it's his way of dealing with it.

Also you talk about how things are perfect, that you feel robbed. I can't help wonder if you are more in love with the idea of him than the reality. No one is perfect, we all have flaws. Love is staying with someone and accepting them.

Id take a few days away from him and think about were you really ok with all the tifs. Why were they happening, were they a sign of incompatibility etc.

LegacyUser

OP I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I'm of a similar age to yourself and went through something very similar a couple of years back.

I'd been with my gf for about 4 years and, similar to yourself, thought everything was going great and didn't see the breakup coming. I was absolutely gobsmacked and heartbroken when she sprung it on me.

She had also lost a close family member and said that this contributed to the breakup i.e. she needed to get her head straight and couldn't do that while we were together. She also said we'd been fighting a lot which, like yourself, I didn't agree with.

As tough as it is OP (and trust me I know exactly how you're feeling) in my opinion it's best to try to move forward with your life. Firstly I would stop expecting him to contact you. In fact I would cut contact with him completely. If he really wants to contact you down the line he'll find a way but for now you need to remove any reminders of him from from your life, with social media being the most obvious place to start.

You'll get through this but it'll take time. Feeling angry and hard done by is completely normal, trust me on that.

Be kind to yourself and take care.

LegacyUser

There's not much you can do, especially if there is an illness in his family. I would just leave him to it.

The only thing you can take from it is that he was such a weak communicator instead of talking to you months ago about the relationship, how he was feeling and how it could be saved with work from you both maybe space etc he didn't. It says more about him than you tbh the way he broke up.

achmairt

He couldn't have picked a worse day to break up with you. He wasn't taking your feelings into consideration at all. I would book a holiday to Lanzarote with a close friend and move on with your life. DON'T ring him - you will only be feeding his ego. He was obviously thinking of breaking up for some time and he also avoided paying for a 21st Birthday gift killing two birds with the one stone. You deserve better. You won't remember what he looks like in a year's time. Good luck.

leanin2019

achmairt wrote: »

He couldn't have picked a worse day to break up with you. He wasn't taking your feelings into consideration at all. I would book a holiday to Lanzarote with a close friend and move on with your life. DON'T ring him - you will only be feeding his ego. He was obviously thinking of breaking up for some time and he also avoided paying for a 21st Birthday gift killing two birds with the one stone. You deserve better. You won't remember what he looks like in a year's time. Good luck.

Hi Achmairt, you have also misread the OP's post, they meant the 21st December. :pac:

They could have phrased it better but I think most people gathered it was 21st of December - but you can see why others have interpreted it otherwise.

It was clarified later in the thread.

Gangu

Any update or contact? I’m sorry to hear about your relationship problems. Try to distract yourself for a while but I think that if you only spoke to him about this on 21 December then 2 years entitles you to another talk with him to ask any questions and get how you feel off your chest. It probably won’t change the outcome but will make you feel better. You were in shock when he spoke to you the last time.

Aseth

There is never a good time for a break up, whether it's 21st Dec or 1st March, especially if it's unexpected. Also loss of a parent is always traumatic. I lost my Mom a few months ago and my partner was there for me and still is when I need a hug.
Maybe he didn't feel supported by you(mind you I'm not saying you weren't!), maybe the arguments however small for you were a way for him to vent his frustration and grief and he wasn't able to handle it any better. It's good he is getting counseling as it will at least help him deal with his feelings.
As for you, as tough as it is I would advise you to try to move on. At 30 you are still young and you never know what will happen even in a few days time. If possible maybe take a break, visit family member or a friend, take yourself from the environment you are in. Get busy with life, take a class or find a new hobby. It's not going to be easy but it's no good spending hours trying to analyze the situation when you may never get an answer.

Edit: Also as somebody mentioned before - is it possible you weren't on the same page with your relationship?

Twinings2016

Thank you so much to everyone for the responses, it has given me an awful lot of comfort hearing other peoples perspectives!

Three weeks on I'm feeling much better, I am still very sad that it has happened but I think it's interesting that people were saying that perhaps we were not on the same page in terms of our relationship ... and after a little bit of time away from it now perhaps we weren't. Which also makes me sad as I wish we could have spoken about it, that has mostly to do with saving me not being totally blindsided by the whole breakup! which probably sounds selfish!

Breakups are never nice, but I think time away has helped! and also, I have heard nothing from him and I haven't called either. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing (as much as I wanted it at the time)... but it has kind of helped me begin to get over him.

Speaking to relatives about losing a close family member has made me understand it a little bit more and i think he needs to look after himself.

anyway, thank you one and all once again. It's great to hear unbiased feedback