Arguement, Garda Arrived & Now Child Welfare involved

LegacyUser

Hi, really looking for advice, support, an outlet as ive literally nobody i can talk to.

****ty start to new year. Had row with my other half this morning, over nothing life changing but it was out of hand shouting, and OH throwing furniture and things around while our child was in the room. Pushing me about the place.
Neighbours called the police. A first. Ive never been in trouble or this situation. Now, they said childrens services will ve in touch with me. Im horrified at how everything has happened. Im embarrassed. Im disgusted. I cant believe it escalated to this. I am horrified at how this happened while child in room. Im also 6 months pregnant.
Im terrified at what might happen with police & social services. Im lost.
I left immediately while police were there just so no further arguement could happen or stop me leaving. Im so angry & upset. I actually dont care to blame about who’s fault this is, im just terrified of whats ahead now. This isn’t my life. I don’t even know what to think.

Fakediamond

I’m unsure from your post whether you understand that such behaviour is abusive and unacceptable to you and your child. Throwing furniture and pushing you? That is not normal behaviour in an argument and cannot continue.

Your first point of contact is women’s aid for advice and support. Start there and talk things out. You will have to take steps to protect your child and yourself.

dartboardio

Why are you staying with someone who thinks it's acceptable to push their partner around, or throw furniture?

Get out and stay out for your child's sake before one of ye end up extremely hurt.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Guess im aware that i got angry too and was shouting back. I just dont know how i am. My child slapped me tonight on both cheeks and swore at me just like he did earlier in front of them. My family dont care much for him and i dont want to tell them anything because its more fuel to their fire. But why am I protecting him?
I feel like a fool. Im not sure if he took something last night while he was out, he doesn’t but his behaviour was so full on maybe he did.
Im terrified about the child welfare people. I have no idea what happens with them now. Im scared. Haven’t stopped crying all day.

LegacyUser

dartboardio wrote: »

Why are you staying with someone who thinks it's acceptable to push their partner around, or throw furniture?

Get out and stay out for your child's sake before one of ye end up extremely hurt.

I'm absolutely not defending what may be domestic violence, or staying in a dangerous situation, but your advice is easier said than done. Drastic reactionary steps frequently do more harm than good, in all aspects of life.

I very much doubt you would be recommending that a man leave his wife and mother of his children, if she came home having drunk way too much one night and pushed him once. It's not an indicator of a violent or dangerous relationship.

A single instance can be overcome, any more and it's time to take serious action.

OP, I suggest you have a serious talk with your partner about how this can't happen again. Don't worry about the Gardai or social services. They have a job to do in investigating and once they see this was an isolated incident, it'll be sorted out.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Guess im aware that i got angry too and was shouting back. I just dont know how i am. My child slapped me tonight on both cheeks and swore at me just like he did earlier in front of them. My family dont care much for him and i dont want to tell them anything because its more fuel to their fire. But why am I protecting him?
I feel like a fool. Im not sure if he took something last night while he was out, he doesn’t but his behaviour was so full on maybe he did.
Im terrified about the child welfare people. I have no idea what happens with them now. Im scared. Haven’t stopped crying all day.

LegacyUser

Thanks chaoimheire
So this was at 1pm yesterday afternoon, he had been out NYE til about 11pm so 12 hours & sleep later.
This has happened before. Not often. But certainly has happened vefore.

shesty

No sorry OP, his behaviour is abusive and violent. That's not normal behaviour for a relationship - or sorry, it may be normal for him, but it's not right. And you've seen for yourself there now, your child is imitating it. It doesn't matter what you were shouting, physical violence has no place in a relationship.

You do need to find a way out of that.

Diceicle

OP, its a hard situation you have there. Now, I'm far from the type of person who would be advising you to run a mile if your partner were to look at you sideways. Some advice on other fora would fall into that category in my opinion.

But it wasn't untl you responded that this had happened before that the red flag was raised. If this has happened before it can indicate a negative pattern of behaviour - either developed or developing.

Blame though, can lie on both sides. Sometimes in these scenarios there can be a tendency to demonise one side. Some men are simply aggressive a-holes. Some women can escalate situations to an unecessary degree. Not saying you did, but saying it can happen.

At the end of the day only you know how the bigger picture of your relationship with your partner appears. The fact that this has happened more than once and that your family have some dislike for him would give me pause for thought - and for the sake of your childs wellbeing (and your own) it should give you some too.

Skibunny77

Diceicle wrote: »

Blame though, can lie on both sides. Sometimes in these scenarios there can be a tendency to demonise one side. Some men are simply aggressive a-holes. Some women can escalate situations to an unecessary degree. Not saying you did, but saying it can happen.

I know you mean to be helpful but this advice is insulting to both women and men. Most men I know, regardless of provocation or escalating situations do not throw furniture about and need to have the gardai called as their anger is uncontrollable. Perpetrators of domestic violence often use the defence you gave above to justify their behaviour. The Ops partner is the only one responsible for his behaviour, just as she is for her own. OP, social workers will want to know what your child was exposed to, as even overhearing physical and verbal abuse is traumatising for children and how you plan to protect your child. Please ring Women's Aid for support.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Ive stayed away since police were there. I answered a call about an hour after i left, think i said I wasn’t returning- was so stressed i dont exactly recall.
I feel like im in a very hard situation. Im unsure what im doing. Thanks ve taken no calls since, i just want to figure out what im doing, i feel like, if i tell my family why im away they will certainly be against anything other than ataying away.
I am not stupid, i know its appalling behaviour. How can i teach my kids to be strong and not tolerate less than they deserve when i am? I also dont want yo demonise my OH, hes had a pretty ****ty life but seems to be selfishly continuing with what suits him asopposed to whats best for us. Theres manh years history here but, he grew up seeing full on domestic violence..... his mum stayed. Perhaps he thinks i will tolerate ****ty behaviour just the same.

dartboardio

Chaoimheire wrote: »

I'm absolutely not defending what may be domestic violence, or staying in a dangerous situation, but your advice is easier said than done. Drastic reactionary steps frequently do more harm than good, in all aspects of life.

I very much doubt you would be recommending that a man leave his wife and mother of his children, if she came home having drunk way too much one night and pushed him once. It's not an indicator of a violent or dangerous relationship.

A single instance can be overcome, any more and it's time to take serious action.

OP, I suggest you have a serious talk with your partner about how this can't happen again. Don't worry about the Gardai or social services. They have a job to do in investigating and once they see this was an isolated incident, it'll be sorted out.

Yeah, it's hard to know though. She is six months pregnant. Any man that would push around his pregnant girlfriend and child and throw furniture, it's probably in his nature, that sort of thing doesn't come on you overnight.

Some men would never even dream of doing a thing like it

eviltwin

Chaoimheire wrote: »

I'm absolutely not defending what may be domestic violence, or staying in a dangerous situation, but your advice is easier said than done. Drastic reactionary steps frequently do more harm than good, in all aspects of life.

I very much doubt you would be recommending that a man leave his wife and mother of his children, if she came home having drunk way too much one night and pushed him once. It's not an indicator of a violent or dangerous relationship.

A single instance can be overcome, any more and it's time to take serious action.

OP, I suggest you have a serious talk with your partner about how this can't happen again. Don't worry about the Gardai or social services. They have a job to do in investigating and once they see this was an isolated incident, it'll be sorted out.

By isolated incident I think she means involving the police and social services. I don't get from her post that this is the first time he's been aggressive, quite the opposite.

The OP is 6 months pregnant and yet despite this, and in the presence of a child, her partner thought it appropriate to push her around and throw things about the place. How you think her staying in that situation, how a child should stay in that situation, is bizarre.

If the neighbours were so worried they called gardai it must have been quite the argument. Children deserve better than that. I agree leaving isn't easy and may take time and planning but she should speak to a domestic violence service about her options and work on a plan for what happens if this happens again

Neyite

LilBitLost wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. Ive stayed away since police were there. I answered a call about an hour after i left, think i said I wasn’t returning- was so stressed i dont exactly recall.
I feel like im in a very hard situation. Im unsure what im doing. Thanks ve taken no calls since, i just want to figure out what im doing, i feel like, if i tell my family why im away they will certainly be against anything other than ataying away.
I am not stupid, i know its appalling behaviour. How can i teach my kids to be strong and not tolerate less than they deserve when i am? I also dont want yo demonise my OH, hes had a pretty ****ty life but seems to be selfishly continuing with what suits him asopposed to whats best for us. Theres manh years history here but, he grew up seeing full on domestic violence..... his mum stayed. Perhaps he thinks i will tolerate ****ty behaviour just the same.

You said earlier your child slapped you and swore at you. Already that child is learning that DV is a normal way of life, and that this is how you treat women in a relationship. And on the family tradition goes. This is your chance to break the cycle and show your children a different childhood.

The posters who are telling you to ignore gardai and child welfare are giving you unsafe advice. You do NOT want to get on the wrong side of CW or have them think you are going to ignore their suggestions and recommendations. If you don't cooperate with what CW and the Gardai ask you to do with regards to keeping your children safe, you put yourself at risk of them being removed from you. So, if they want you to stay away and not contact your partner, do it. If they want you to do some sort of program or course, do it. Do whatever you need to do to keep your kids with you.

I know you feel sympathetic towards your partner and feel like it's not his fault. But you can't help with that - only he can work on his violence and change. If he wants to. And that will be entirely up to him.

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now especially given your pregnancy and I'm guessing your other child is still quite young. I'd strongly advise talking to someone in Women's Aid. They are a safe sounding board who will understand what's just happened in your life and help you cope with it all. They never judge, just listen and understand the jumble you are feeling right now.

Fakediamond

LilBitLost wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. Ive stayed away since police were there. I answered a call about an hour after i left, think i said I wasn’t returning- was so stressed i dont exactly recall.
I feel like im in a very hard situation. Im unsure what im doing. Thanks ve taken no calls since, i just want to figure out what im doing, i feel like, if i tell my family why im away they will certainly be against anything other than ataying away.
I am not stupid, i know its appalling behaviour. How can i teach my kids to be strong and not tolerate less than they deserve when i am? I also dont want yo demonise my OH, hes had a pretty ****ty life but seems to be selfishly continuing with what suits him asopposed to whats best for us. Theres manh years history here but, he grew up seeing full on domestic violence..... his mum stayed. Perhaps he thinks i will tolerate ****ty behaviour just the same.

You’re probably right, he learned as a child that bad behaviour/violence works. It allows him to get what he wants and avoid having to work on his relationship and on taking responsibility for his actions. You need to stop forgiving him because of his sad past and deal with the reality of his behaviour now.

I hope you will make contact with Women’s Aid, research would indicate that this behaviour gets worse, never better. While it’s understandable that you’re not ready/able to pull the plug yet, you do need to work on a safety plan. You could get a safety/protection/barring order to keep you and your child safe.

In relation to social work involvement, they want to know is your child safe now and are you capable of taking steps to ensure the child’s safety in the future. They will also be very concerned about a new baby going into that environment. This may mean leaving your partner, or at least having a safety plan. If you are engaging with Women’s Aid, you will at least be demonstrating to S.W.that you acknowledge that the situation is serious and change needs to happen.

Inform yourself about domestic violence and coercive control. The more knowledge you have, the better able you will be to make informed decisions. You have probably had your confidence eroded over time and it can be hard to consider facing the future alone. But your children need a strong, empowered mammy, who will put them first, no matter what. Daddy should be doing the same, but it sounds like he is not...

I wish you well.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies. I genuinely appreciate all of them and I have contacted women’s aid for support and advice. The overall feeling is that I need to stay out of the house and get a safety and protection order in place to protect myself regardless of whether I return or not.
I still find it difficult to believe i am in the situation at all, never saw this going to this level. That said I have To look forward and do what is best on my toddler before even my own feelings. I will not have my little one growing up in an unsafe or unstable environment - deserves better & will have better than that and whatever I need to do to make sure that baba is okay, that’s what I’ll be doing.
Of course I wish to hopefully have a successful coparenting situation, perhaps that’s all I can hope for us generally he is a brilliant father & his kid absolutely adores him and I would never want to take his kids away. So , what a start to 2020 .