are my poems any good or nah

LegacyUser

Hi, Boards lurker here – I've only noticed the Creative Writing section recently and I have some old poems from some months ago that I've never released. I'd really appreciate some genuine criticism, it can be anything at all just want some pointers and hopefully some inspiration to get back into this as it can be a therapeutic hobby for me

UNTITLED #2

Illiterate thoughts,
Illegitimate tinkering of the soul,
Ill though, society soon to sanction.
Both high and low, all classes run afoul.
If only a fraction, find true progression through action.

Youth of today, elevated yet made to pay.
For the sins of our predecessors,
A generation built on building processors,
Procured an arena of entrapment for the encumbent.
Addicted to subjective transparency,
Afflicted by nonstop heresy.
Handheld paraphernalia to publish instantly,
A platform fit to punish all globally,
And with ease, shape opinions remotely.

---

UNATTAINABLE

Smell her scent in the air,
Fresh from washed hair.
Two decrepit butts in the tray,
Gloss but no rouge, mental affray.
Didn't stay long, why dash away?

I long for her to stay, delay.
To come, and to play.

Bodhidharma

imrelyingonyourhonestygoodsirmadam wrote: »

For the sins of our predecessors,
A generation built on building processors,
Procured an arena of entrapment for the encumbent.
Addicted to subjective transparency,
Afflicted by nonstop heresy.
Handheld paraphernalia to publish instantly,.

Of the two I prefer the second. It seems to be more genuine and succinct. The first suffers from being too wordy. What I mean by that is that you clearly have a good vocabulary, you can write, but your choice of words is alienating. The quote I’ve used above is an example, would you read that and think “I want to read more of this poet”?

Personally I found it jarring and made me feel like I was being lectured to.

km85264

Have to agree with Bodhidharma, first one feels like an attack of thesaurus. Second one is more approachable, both of them sound like raps rather than poetry, but hey, it is whatever you want it to be. Keep on writing!
Kieran

zv2

I like them. Have you tried poetrycircle.com?

ILoveYourVibes

Honest Opinion.

What I love. The last line of the second poem.

I long for her to stay, delay.
To come, and to play.

I feel that line is perfect. I love it.

I am unsure what effect you want the poems to have on the reader. Or if any. But i can tell you I find the flow of the language in some of the lines jarring. Which can be a good thing if you want it to be that way.

It doesn't feel like an attack of a thesaurus. But sometimes when we write ...we stop and go ...'hmm what is the word i am looking for ..that will do' and there is no lead into it. So it doesn't flow as easy when read. But that isn't a bad thing if that is what you want.

The commas seem inserted in odd ways. But again this could be your choice.

Addicted to subjective transparency,
Afflicted by nonstop heresy.

I like this. I dont know why I like it though. What is subjective transparency? Could you make this phrase more meaningful ? Sometimes its not so much what words mean as the way we give meaning to them in the way we write.

Could you use this phrase in a metaphor and make it live??

Addicted to mirrors of subjective transparency. Or Addicted to staring in windows of subjective transparency. ???

A generation built on building processors,
Procured an arena of entrapment for the encumbent.

Do you mean incumbent or encumbant?

I prefer encumbant means a period of battle or tension. The encumbant battle. Incumbant is someone put upon by obligation.
Procured in the arena of entrapment for the encumbant battle. Or procured in the arena of entrapment for the incumbent young.

But maybe these are not the effects you want. How you want the reader to read it in their head etc. What you want their brain to do.

YES! I like it though. I think its good

Its very very special!

Sheridan81

UNTITLED

I like the first four lines, then there's this one which I don't really understand.

"If only a fraction, find true progression through action."

I'm held by the first three lines of the second verse:

"Youth of today, elevated yet made to pay.
For the sins of our predecessors,
A generation built on building processors"

Then it becomes obscure, wordy and the rhyme scheme goes haywire: "transparency, heresy, globally, remotely, instantly" etc. and the poem is ruined.

UNATTAINABLE

The same thing happens here-first three lines hold, then it turns into a rhyme a dime and it's ruined.