no presents from teenage children for my sister?

susieball

My sister has just spent the last hour on the phone saying she is really upset. She finished work last night at 8.30, with son, age 17, ringing her and texting her constantly that he was not taking his mattress and and belongings down form the attic, and was going to stay there permanently. She has been asking him for 3 days to do this. He has his own room. It is not a habitable room, and his friends smoke up there - he used to but I don't think he does any more, and also the attic room is for everyone. My sister works about 60 hrs a week and suffers quite badly with SAD this time of year. She is a single parent. The dad doesn't see the children or given them any presents. She also worked a lot of extra hours to get them 350 euros in various presents. Both her son and daughter have a part-time weekend job. Her daughter didn't even buy her anything small. Her son said he had but my sister told him a present is meaningless when people behave in a defiant and verbally aggressive manner, and he had really upset her. I didn't know what to say to her. I have teens a little younger, so I know they can try the patience of a saint, but mine are generally grateful for stuff.

mr_fegelien

This may be an unpopular opinion but I think it would be better for the teens to save their money for something more worthwhile than gifts and save for rent/buying a house in this economy.

ILoveYourVibes

mr_fegelien wrote: »

This may be an unpopular opinion but I think it would be better for the teens to save their money for something more worthwhile than gifts and save for rent/buying a house in this economy.

I really don't think these teens are going to be the ones doing that though do you?

Plus gifts don't need to cost anything. You can make something even. Or buy something cheap. Its the thought and the feeling.

Well op your sister has difficult teens.

Investing time and discipline in them is worthwhile. But do remind her ..they will probably grow up in a year or so ...mature etc and things will be better.

Tell her to share her difficulties with them. Stop putting on a mask etc. It might bring them closer.

Rubberchikken

teens need a parent,sometimes even more than a small kid who could technically be looked after for a time by any competent person.
does she need to work 60 hours a week.?
if she finds the winter difficult, and shes exhausted from work then it follows that patience to put up with some teen behaviour will be in short supply.

maybe her son isnt the greatest at the moment but he did seem to buy a present even a small one.
how would someone feel if they did that and the recipient just rejected it with a hurtful comment?

marieholmfan

Yeah teenagers are sh1ts and your sister is a whiner.


What else is new?

susieball wrote: »

My sister has just spent the last hour on the phone saying she is really upset. She finished work last night at 8.30, with son, age 17, ringing her and texting her constantly that he was not taking his mattress and and belongings down form the attic, and was going to stay there permanently. She has been asking him for 3 days to do this. He has his own room. It is not a habitable room, and his friends smoke up there - he used to but I don't think he does any more, and also the attic room is for everyone. My sister works about 60 hrs a week and suffers quite badly with SAD this time of year. She is a single parent. The dad doesn't see the children or given them any presents. She also worked a lot of extra hours to get them 350 euros in various presents. Both her son and daughter have a part-time weekend job. Her daughter didn't even buy her anything small. Her son said he had but my sister told him a present is meaningless when people behave in a defiant and verbally aggressive manner, and he had really upset her. I didn't know what to say to her. I have teens a little younger, so I know they can try the patience of a saint, but mine are generally grateful for stuff.

Xterminator

if my kids bought me nothing i think id be peeved. a little put out. slightly annoyed. Not devastated or angry etc. if i said to my kids " a present is meaningless when people behave in a defiant and verbally aggressive manner, and he had really upset her. " and they got me nothing id be saying well its half my own fault.

Your sister has raised her kids and has had a hand in shaping them, but when they get older and have a few bob the do have their own personalities and traits. If my kids were bad all year and wouldnt do simple chores then they wouldn't see €350 worth of presents. you cant give kids what they want all the time.

marizpan

As said already, teenagers need her time not €350 for Christmas.

Working 60 hours a week means that they spend no quality time together as a family. That she isn’t fully present or available even when she is home. No doubt stressed, tired and grumpy.

Recipe for disaster and unfortunately reaping what has been sown by choice or circumstance.

twill

It's the classic dilemma of the single parent. Your sister is trying to supply the deficiencies of the deadbeat father and give her children everything they want. They see her as a handy punching bag and take out all their issues on her. She's such an obvious victim that even internet idiots are taking pot-shots at her.

Tell your sister that she can't make up for what the children have gone through. She's doing them no favours, because the world won't cosset them, and authority figures will demand respect. She needs to take control of her house. If they don't like it, the ungrateful brats don't have to live there. Also, stop spending money on them, and start getting them to contribute to their living costs.

Above all, get her to stop wearing herself out for them. They don't need it or appreciate it.

beauf

There are people who work similarly and their kids are not ungrateful. These are rarely simple situations.

niallers1

I wouldn't be annoyed or upset if my teenage children didn't buy me anything. Who really cares, at that age an adult has most everything they need. I'd prefer them to spend their money on themselves.

Most mature adults get enjoyment out of giving, not so much receiving.

I think you are seeing a problem where none exists.

Regarding the room, she needs them to realise that it is her house and they can leave if they are unhappy about the rules.

woodchuck

marieholmfan wrote: »

Yeah teenagers are sh1ts and your sister is a whiner.


What else is new?

Mod note:

@marieholmfan, your post is below the standard expected here in PI. Please have a read of the charter and only post if you have useful advice to offer.

Addle

I wonder if at any stage she was asked about presents and said she didn’t want any?

pinkyeye

OP, I can't believe some of the horrible things people are saying here.

I fully sympathise with your sister.

As a single parent myself I know the teenage years are hell on earth.

The teenagers take everything out on the parent who IS there looking after them, act the dickhead and push boundries constantly.

For those saying the present is not important, it's not, it's the feeling that they don't appreciate you and what you're doing for them.

The one consolation I would give you and I hope you can pass this on to your sister is that eventually they will grow up and once they haven't gone too far down a bad road they'll cop on and realise.

My own children are now all fully functioning adults and very loving and appreciative and in fact often ask how did I survive them.

They know they were dickheads and they are actually apologetic for it.

It's the nature of teenagers to be self centred.

Please reassure your sister that if she can just hang in there and make sure they don't get into serious trouble with drugs or anything things will get better.

Best of luck.