Black sheep of the family

LegacyUser

Has anyone experience of being the black sheep of your family? I dont know why but my family have always seemed to dislike me, I was always treated differently to my siblings, told I was stupid and made to feel like I was not capable of doing anything myself. My mother was very controlling, didnt like me going out, stopped speaking to me for weeks when I was 25 because I went to the cinema without consulting her first. They always treated me like im a bad person.
I always tried to so hard to please them, anytime I got some money I would either give half to my parents, even though they didnt need it, I felt obligated to give it to them, my mother would happily take it but then demand more or tell people that I give her nothing, one time I gave her 500 euro at a time when I didnt even own a jacket as I couldnt afford one for myself. She then went crazy at me for not giving her more money, she would tell me how I owed her for money she spent on me when I was an infant.
I put myself through college, it was a real struggle financially, there were times I had to borrow from people to pay the rent, I couldnt afford food and had no clothes, only what id buy in second hand shops, during this time my parents where angry at me for going to college. Some parents are proud of their kids for getting an education, mine resented me for it and told me I was wasting my time and I was just going to fail. My brothers where supported through college.
I then put myself through college a second time and got a postgrad, im now teaching and earning my own money although im a substitute so still living with my parents as I cant afford the high rents. I buy all my own groceries, do my own laundry, have my own internet, everything I use, I buy and im trying to save. I also hand up money every week - which isnt enough for them, they both each bought new cars, have a lovely house and good social lives but want more money from me each week. I have nothing, im trying so hard to save to get on my feet. Im trying to learn how to drive, get a car and insurance, the cost of which is colossal, so hard to do on my own and at this stage looking like a pipe dream. I asked them would they help me learn to drive even just show me some basics but they said no. Im saving and saving but feel like ive been saving forever and still no where near having anything substantial to get me on my feet. By my age I should have a house and a car but im working job to job teaching, living at home and cant drive. My brothers get money for anything they need.

This time of year really brings all this stuff up for me, as im shopping for Christmas presents for family I wonder why am I bothering? Stressing over what to buy them, spending hundreds on gifts that wont be appreciated, no matter what I buy them it wont be good enough, if enough effort isnt put in to the gifts, they will have no problem saying it to me. Yet my mother will hand me a bag of random objects found in second hand shops, my dad will probably hand me 50 euro and they will fawn over my brothers who put no thought or effort into their gifts, they will tell family how fantastic they both are and how im not doing much and never will do anything.

Its like nothing I do is right or good enough for them, I try so hard and when I stop trying and stand up for myself theyre short with me and I get the silent treatment, they come down much harder on me too, expecting more more more.
I try speaking to them about how I feel but they mock me, scream at me and make it all about themselves or use it as an opportunity to tell me how worthless I am.

I dont know what ive ever done to them.

zapper55

Your post brings a bell. Are you female? That seemed to be the reason for being treated differently with the last lady posted about this previously. Which obviously is horrible.

Either way you are being constantly abused. Surely you could rent a room somewhere instead? You need to get out of that house, it sounds horrendous. You are never going to convince them that you are enough. You might destroy yourself trying tho.

You need to prioritise your mental health and your sanity over saving for other things or giving them presents. I know easier said than done bit I'd return their presents and use that money as a deposit for a room to get the hell out of there.

I've shared with strangers and it was a hundred times better than what you've described when living with your family.

Stateofyou

Your parents are abusive, full stop. Just don't spend any more money on them - for Christmas or otherwise. If you already bought presents, return them. It won't be enough or appreciated so there's no point and right now you need the money more. There is nothing wrong with you, this is their issue and everything to do with the kind of people they are and whatever the personal issues are. They are not healthy.

They aren't looking out for you or your best interest, you need to put yourself first now. No one else is going to do that so you need to. Do whatever it takes to get the F-k out of that house for your own mental health and happiness. Hoard your money, stop handing anything over, and do whatever it takes to move out of there as quickly as possible. Lie and say you're not in work (maybe you're doing a "training" now??) and have no money coming in if you have to. Make grand promises to triple it when you're in work again to try keep the peace while you're saving. Ideally, if any of your friends have a spare room you can crash in for several months while you get on your feet, take it and don't look back. Get as far away from these people whatever manner you can and as quickly as possible.

Look up toxic family's on google and learn how to protect yourself and set some boundaries and find some strength in the meantime. The black sheep of the family are often the best kind of people, especially when you're talking about coming from a family like yours. Chin up, you can do this.