Hospital visitors after birth

Hi everyone. Did you set limits on who could visit you in the hospital after having your baby? If so, how did you politely tell people that they weren’t welcome? I’m happy for my mother to visit (the other grandparents all live overseas) and of course my partner and kids but not another family member who’s staying with my mother for the holidays. I don’t get along with this person and get stressed when I have to spend time with him but I know he will be keen to see the baby and my mother might make a fuss if she thinks I’m excluding him (which I suppose I am).

scarepanda

Check with your hospital what their visitor policy is. The hospital I went to had a very very strict policy that only the babies grandparents, siblings and other parent (obviously) were allowed to visit. And the grandparents were only allowed to visit within a 3 hr period in the evening. So your issue may be solved straight away

Failing that tell your mother that she's the only one allowed to visit (I completely understand though if your hesitant in doin this as it will probably cause some tension). Or tell her a white lie that the ward is being very strict with visitors because of the flu that's going around.

Btw, don't feel like you have to explain or defend yourself over who visits. Your the new mother, the person that's after giving birth to a baby, your word on visitors is final. Ask your husband to be a buffer if you need to as well. That's his job, you will have enough going on.

Princess Calla

You say kids, so I'm going to presume this is not your first pregnancy.

You'll probably be discharged before any visitors have a chance to get in.

Other than that in my experience people don't listen, they pass a request off as being hormonal and ignore it.

I had said I wanted no visitors.... I had both granny's at my bed 2 hours after the birth. I hadn't even seen my baby as he'd been taken to HDU and I had to shower before visiting there....my visitors arrived before I got a chance for a shower.... Didn't want to get out of bed when they were there... You know yourself.... So it was 23:30 before I got to visit my baby.....I could have strangled everyone.

I repeated my please no visitors.... I had 8 people around my bed.... I had a catheter... Which the midwife decided to empty while they were there....got herself tangled up in the curtain as she tried to leave with the jug of my pee......I swear to god I could have cried.....again I could have strangled everyone. It's funny now, but seriously at the time

When I say everyone I mostly mean the dad as he was saying it's cool...eh hello....and yeah it was all his family.

Second child I again said no visitors, I was spared as day 1 first child needed minding. Dad had arranged for granny, him and child to visit on day 2....eh hello.... Got word I'd be discharged. The grief I got about getting home before they could visit me in hospital.... Seriously I'm not entertainment

So yeah you can make the request for your mum to visit on her own, say it's a very personal time (which it is) and you will catch up with everyone else when you get home, but be prepared for him to turn up unfortunately.

dori_dormer

At the hospital I was in, dad got one visitors card and there was 1 other at security. If you didn't want visitors you just asked security to remove the other card. They were very strict visiting times and even stricter for the babies siblings. Found it great for reducing annoying visits!

Loveinapril

I just said that we were only having grandparents at the hospital and for the first week or two at home to allow me to recover and baby to settle in to the world. There was no other conversation, it wasn't up for discussion and people respected it.

shesty

Depends on your hospital.No more than two visitors at a time in the Rotunda, and only during specified hours, 2 time slots a day of about 2 hours each.Security are quite strict about it.The dad can visit all day.

Lia_lia

Next baby I’m definitely making it clear that I only want grandparents and the baby’s Father and sister. So many people landed onto the hospital within hours of me giving birth without even asking if I wanted visitors. Mainly my partners family. Was crazy!

tuisginideach

I was an 8-inlaws-a-visit victim too on Baby 1. Very dfficullt birth (emergency C section eventually), very stressful trying to feed - I got a sign put on the door after a day or two saying visitors had to go to nurses' station first! They got the message then that they weren't to be there for hours. Novelty had worn off by the time Baby 2 came - not the same interest at all! I don't think I have visited any new mother/baby since - 20 years ago! And would bring a dinner/scones etc if visiting at home a month later!

NicsM

I honestly don’t understand people who think they can land in on a woman hours after she’s given birth! I know I was on a high after I gave birth and I was so happy (even though it was a traumatic delivery) but I was so vulnerable and didn’t even entertain the idea of visitors until day 2. Even at that it was grandparents only.

I was on a high dependency ward and one of the other mums had her partner’s entire family turn up 6 hours after her c-section, I was actually heartbroken for her as she couldn’t move and they were all passing the brand new baby around Holles street didn’t seem that strict with visitors as there were at least 5 people visiting that mum at once.

OP, if you can I would try manage expectations/set boundaries now and highlight to your mum that you want to limit visitors so you have a less stressful hospital stay (don’t mention other visitors just that you want to focus on baby). Calmer mum equals calmer baby so I’d hope she’ll understand. I wouldn’t even mention that you don’t want certain visitors but emphasise you do want her to visit. If she focuses on the other family member then bring it back to what’s best for you and your newborn baby. Best of luck!

Xcellor

My wife said she wanted no visitors before our First was born. Sure it ruffled some feathers but who cares. It's your baby, your rules.

michellie

I didn't, it was ridiculous the amount of visitors I got when I had my first 11 years ago and I was dreading that again.

I had my 2nd on the 2nd March 2018- during the worst of the snow, so people weren't able to visit! My mother and father managed to walk up to the hospital. I was really unwell so I was glad no one was able to get into me besides immediate family.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

cuddle wrote: »

Hi everyone. Did you set limits on who could visit you in the hospital after having your baby? If so, how did you politely tell people that they weren’t welcome? I’m happy for my mother to visit (the other grandparents all live overseas) and of course my partner and kids but not another family member who’s staying with my mother for the holidays. I don’t get along with this person and get stressed when I have to spend time with him but I know he will be keen to see the baby and my mother might make a fuss if she thinks I’m excluding him (which I suppose I am).

With updated policies now most hospitals will have a visitor card for your partner and another for someone else to use meaning you will only ever have your partner and one other at a time.

When I had my last baby I was kept in for 4 days while the winter vomiting bug was rife so absolutely no visitors other than partner, not even my other kids were allowed in to see us.

Failing a strict policy to stop them then just tell your partner to lie, immediate family only allowed sorry. Drop it into conversation with your mother that it's hospital policy but you can't wait to see everyone once you're home and settled etc etc.

Cork Trucker

In my experience with the CUMH the sky’s the limit for visitor numbers.

Rebel83

I second what Cork Trucker says about CUMH. A
good friend just had her 3rd & I was able to stay there for ages, even after the official visiting time ended (she asked me to by the way!)

In terms of visitors, I haven't given birth yet but have had a lot of close friends who have & my sister. I would never visit a cousin or someone I am not close to & even for very close friends I have always text beforehand just to make sure they feel up to it.

If I was you OP I would simply let your Mum know that you're likely to be very tired after giving birth & want to rest to regain your energy before going home, so will only be allowing immediate family & very close friends visit, that way you're not naming your cousin specifically but hopefully your Mum will get the hint.
Failing that, in case he does visit, maybe let your nurse & partner know you're not too keen on lots of visitors & ask them to make some excuse for them to not stay too long.

buffin

In Holles St the official visiting policy was partner and other children all day, then grandparents only (max 2 at a time) between 6pm and 8pm. You could use the policy as an excuse to achieve the result you want perhaps?

That said they seemed very loose on enforcing it - the person beside me had about 7 people in who were not their kids all afternoon. It was actually pretty rough to be beside. I'd just come down from the delivery ward and badly needed sleep but had to listen to very loud chats all afternoon - I'd say it was rough on that Mum too.

Toastytoes

We didn’t tell anyone for 2 days when our baby was born. No one knew, so no one came near us and we enjoyed those first 2 days with our new baby to ourselves and finding our feet as first time parents. It may not be for everyone, it’s extreme, but effective. There were some ruffled feathers from the odd person who felt entitled to be told but that didn’t concern me, we had enough going on to be worried about that.

shreko

Within the first 24 hours of my section on my first baby I had 11 visitors. I couldnt really move and barely remember the first time people met her.
What I do remember is that there was blood on my sheets and I had a bag of urine hanging off me and being really paranoid and uncomfortable about both. I was sweaty and in need of a shower and struggling to figure out breastfeeding. But everyone just wanted to play 'Pass the baby' and didnt even seem to notice how unwell I was.

Different ball game this time, Im also hoping to let about 24 hours pass before we let people know the baby has arrived and Im not having any visitors until Im up and walking around and that Pee bag is gone !!!

kylith

My LO was born at 6:30am, told people at 7, and my brother and his entire family were in before 11! Luckily the Coombe says only 2 at a time, and everyone, including my OH, were kicked out at lunch and dinner.

Living near Gorey now so no nothing about options for the next one.

Princess Calla

shreko wrote: »

Different ball game this time, Im also hoping to let about 24 hours pass before we let people know the baby has arrived and Im not having any visitors until Im up and walking around and that Pee bag is gone !!!

It's hard on your second and subsequent births as someone has to be minding the other kids, so unless you swear them to secrecy too everyone will still know

I was actually talking to my brother in law about this the other day, they live far away so they were not part of my visiting entourage.

He genuinely couldn't see the problem with visiting though, (they have kids). I was trying to explain how out of sorts, vulnerable, embarrassed I felt and he just couldn't comprehend it at all.

I don't think people realise how completely overwhelming the whole thing can be.

We should be able to enjoy our new baby. Not be sitting there with a smile stapled to our faces, wondering what parts of us are being leaky and messy. Talking about our bits n bobs when never before have our bits n bobs been up for discussion... I found the whole thing really surreal and not in a good way

shesty

I really think the hospitals should police it too, because you are not in a position to do it.Certainly the Dublin hospitals only allow 2 visitors at a time in 2 every specific time slots a day.And I think the Rotunda says grandparents and other children only in the afternoon slot, and then any other randomers in the evening slot, and they are quite strict about managing it....you have to have a visitor pass and show it to security, and your OH is only given 2 passes, one for him and 1 for another, so literally only 2 people at a time can be there. Security come and check the wards about 30 mins after the nightime slot ends at 8.This thing of allowing a free-for-all with visitors is really detrimental to mothers.

Princess Calla

I was holles Street, there didn't seem to be any rules at all.

To be fair, the midwives were rushed off their feet.

I do think the rules should be enforced but the midwives are busy enough without adding bouncer to their duties.

Cash_Q

It depends on which security guard is on duty in the Coombe. I had my husband with me at all times except the designated rest times. My parents came which made 3, then his parents came which made 5. My parents then left as had been arranged in advance. The next day siblings and partners arrived with four staying for half an hour, another four coming up which prompted the first four to leave, and then another four which prompted these to leave. So there were times when there were 9 visitors around my tiny bed in a ward with 5 others. At the afternoon slot some of the other ladies on my ward had 3-4 adults plus 3-4 kids running riot, it was horrific. At one stage when I was still in the observation ward but had started the induction process, I was screaming blue murder and some little toddler kept running in and out of my cubicle. It was hell.

Digs

Princess Calla wrote: »

I was holles Street, there didn't seem to be any rules at all.

To be fair, the midwives were rushed off their feet.

I do think the rules should be enforced but the midwives are busy enough without adding bouncer to their duties.

HS rules are partners and siblings are allowed and then grandparents in sets of twos, they have signs up around the place. My eldest was 2013 and I remember the wards being packed with visitors which was annoying. Second was 2016 and I was out home in hours so haven’t a clue what it was like then but I unfortunately had to stay 5 days on my last in Nov 2018 and it was definitley enforced. The wards were very very quiet which was lovely. Maybe it being flu season they are stricter on it?

I only wanted to see my kids, husband and my parents/sisters on my most recent stay and that is all who came to see me. I didn’t even have a conversation with my husband about it to be honest, he just knew and his family were happy to see us once we got home. (His parents have passed away, obviously I would have been more than happy to have them in!)

Princess Calla

I was 2015.

Ran out of there on the second so no visitors. Much to the annoyance of people who planned on visiting, despite me clearly stating not to.

Digs

Princess Calla wrote: »

I was 2015.

Ran out of there on the second so no visitors. Much to the annoyance of people who planned on visiting, despite me clearly stating not to.

People are mad!

Third_Echelon

Yeah, you really need to set the boundary that you are comfortable with. The husband needs to be the gatekeeper. Really should only be grandparents and your own kids if you have them. That's it. Some people have very close brothers or sisters etc and that's also fine. But keep it to a minimum. Everyone is tired, emotional and just needs rest in the first day or so.

We've had both of our kids in the US, so the only visitors we've had at birth time have been grandparents that had flown over at the time, so didn't have to deal with lots of visitors etc. Also it's all private rooms, so it was possible to get a bit of rest at times, but the nurses are in very 30 mins to an hour checking on you, so can be broken rest.

Bottom line. Your 'house'. Your rules. Don't be afraid to enforce them.

Uptheduff

The hospital I'm going to has signs everywhere about the visiting rules. i.e. partner can visit all day, grandparents and baby's siblings only have a 2 hour slot daily, no one else allowed. I was really comforted they had such strict rules but on my last ante natal visit I had to sign a form stating I understood the rules and would invite no other visitors because apparently it's totally ignored in reality!

I can't believe people are so tactless thinking a new mum has any interest in entertaining every Tom, Dick and Harry when they've just given birth!

jlm29

I actually think that the hospital shouldn’t restrict who Is allowed to visit - the number of people allowed in, but not the relationship, that should be left up to the mother. My last two babies were born in summer. My oh Is self employed in a very seasonal job, so was busy, and couldn’t be with me much after the birth. My mother was minding my other kids, and my kids only have one grandparent. I was in a side room, so if my aunt, my brother and a few of my friends (at different times) hadn’t been allowed in to visit, I’d have had nobody, and it can be quite lonely!

grazer

One evening in hospital after my first baby’s birth, there were a lot of people in my room, passing the baby around. I was a bit upset & overwhelmed. My second baby’s birth was exhausting and she was very unsettled. I was in no form for anyone but my husband and told him I wanted no visitors. He just tactfully passed that message on to all family members. It was great, I was cocooned in hospital and got a chance to recover. I extended the ban for a few days when I got home as I still really didn’t feel up to it. Husband managed everyone. He just told everyone the baby was very unsettled, not sleeping, I was exhausted and not up to visitors. Nobody should take offence at that. Get your husband/partner to manage everyone and get those messages out.

Peatys

Princess Calla wrote: »

I was holles Street, there didn't seem to be any rules at all.

To be fair, the midwives were rushed off their feet.

I do think the rules should be enforced but the midwives are busy enough without adding bouncer to their duties.

It's 6&7 years since our two experiences, but Holles St was definitely father only back then.

Alf Veedersane

Princess Calla wrote: »

I was holles Street, there didn't seem to be any rules at all.

To be fair, the midwives were rushed off their feet.

I do think the rules should be enforced but the midwives are busy enough without adding bouncer to their duties.

They do have rules alright but given the amount of traffic and how busy they are, the enforcement isn't there.

We were lucky insofar as our (small) families live down the country and only grandparents came to visit.

But first time, some other poor mothers had to deal with a large, loud posse surrounding them til 9pm and you could see they were knackered.

shreko

Princess Calla wrote: »

It's hard on your second and subsequent births as someone has to be minding the other kids, so unless you swear them to secrecy too everyone will still know

I was actually talking to my brother in law about this the other day, they live far away so they were not part of my visiting entourage.

He genuinely couldn't see the problem with visiting though, (they have kids). I was trying to explain how out of sorts, vulnerable, embarrassed I felt and he just couldn't comprehend it at all.

I don't think people realise how completely overwhelming the whole thing can be.

We should be able to enjoy our new baby. Not be sitting there with a smile stapled to our faces, wondering what parts of us are being leaky and messy. Talking about our bits n bobs when never before have our bits n bobs been up for discussion... I found the whole thing really surreal and not in a good way

Totally agree, all my in laws kept telling me not to worry and not be embarrassed but its easy to say that when you are not the one in the bed. I think people just completely look beyond the mother and only care about holding a tiny baby. 2 of my visitors who just HAD to come and hold her straight away have actually never gone out of their way to come and see her since.

This time I have already arranged to have the girl from the creche who babysits for us bring him home that day and stay with him until my husband gets home. Ill be having a planned section so obviously that makes things a lot easier to plan thankfully !

witchgirl26

I think I was lucky in the sense that my OH helped enforce and sort out visiting as well as relatives having some cop on. Baby was born in the morning so he told people they couldn't come in until the evening visiting at the earliest. We had his 2 brothers, my sister and my mam come in. That was in. And they alternated around so there wasn't too many at once. And only stayed about 40 mins each. I appreciated the visitors (allowed me to go get a quick shower knowing baby was well looked after) but glad they had the cop on not to stay too long.

Yellowmac

From recent experience (January) Rotunda enforces their policy strictly. So your partner can be there all day til 9ish at night (they can stay a bit later if it's your first night with the baby). Grandparents or other kids during the day 2-4. Open visiting 6.30-8. However it is always strictly 2 visitors at a time - visitors have to get a card at security so they may be asked to wait til your previous guests leave and exchange the card with them. The ward nurse manager will ask people to leave if there are too many. Security do a sweep at about 9pm to check visitors have left. Tbh it is really necessary as you could be on a 6+ bed ward, so with all the women babies and visitors the number of people in the room could get out of hand and it's sooo warm in there that the body heat would knock you out! Be prepared to sweat

seamus

Rotunda has a lot of footfall, so they have to be pretty strict on it.

They're more strict in the public wards. We went semi-private on the first two, and it was a ward of 3 or 4 beds. While security came up and did their "sweep", I was there till 11pm a couple of times and nobody said anything. I expect if you were making noise though the nurses wouldn't be shy about calling security to ask you to leave. By contrast friends who'd gone public did indeed find security hoofing people out at the set times.

On the first, a number of people were able to visit and call up to the ward without a visitor card or anything. On the second, the hospital was on lockdown due to the winter vomiting bug, so it was strictly partners and children only. My mother in law was spitting feathers about not being able to go in.

We happened to be talking about this last night; my wife quite enjoyed the quiet of the hospital on lockdown. When there were visitors, she too found herself feeling very vulnerable and not altogether comfortable - people arriving decked out in fancy clothes and perfume, and she sitting on the bed, leaking and hurting and generally feeling like crap, but expected to play the beaming happy mother.

We're going in again in a week and a half, and I'd be surprised if the Rotunda isn't locked down again with Coronavirus. My wife's main concern this time is that I won't get to spend as much time with her because I'll be minding the other pair, so she might feel lonely.

shreko

seamus wrote: »

We happened to be talking about this last night; my wife quite enjoyed the quiet of the hospital on lockdown. When there were visitors, she too found herself feeling very vulnerable and not altogether comfortable - people arriving decked out in fancy clothes and perfume, and she sitting on the bed, leaking and hurting and generally feeling like crap, but expected to play the beaming happy mother.

.

Couldnt have put it better myself. When I had my baby it was roasting outside and all these people were coming in in their floaty dresses and tans and lovely hair and I was in the bed feeling (and looking !) the worst Ive ever felt in my life. I really could have done without it !

Neyite

My ward was like a train station, totally unregulated amount of visitors. Dads could stay as long as they liked and the whole world it seemed could come in and gawk at you if they wanted. I was elated to be home in my clean quiet house where my baby and I weren't getting woken every 10 minutes.

Thankfully my visitors came in pretty much one lump on the second day. Half an hour to have a cuddle then off they went, leaving me in peace until I got home a few weeks later. I'd prefer that to a relay team of visitors for hours on end.

There really needs to be a change in attitude towards visiting people in hospital. Not just for maternity but for all patients. I know it used to be the done thing when hospitals were boring and you were bed-bound so couldn't get to the common room to watch a bit of tv, and welcomed the bit of company but these days with technology there's lots of ways to keep yourself occupied. But people forget that patients need lots of rest after a big illness or operation, or having a baby! And it helps with infection control too.

For any other reason you can go into hospital without telling anyone and people respect your privacy and wishes but for maternity it seems that goes out the window. These days I won't visit a new mother. I send her a text congratulating her and tell her I'll pop in to meet baby when she's home and settled and when it suits her.