When to completely give up on a friend?

LegacyUser

I know this may sound trivial but when you get older you tend to value your friendships that bit more. Im male, 40 and had a good buddy from work who is mid 30s now, we got along very well at the start when we worked together on a project, played some pool regularly and went out a few times with the work gang. I suspect he has some anxiety as he never seemed a bit comfortable in social situations but I didn't press it, that's his business. We became good buddies over the years and had a great laugh but earlier this year, I was having a bad day at work and I kind of took it out on him, something stupid and minor where he spilled a toner near a document of mine. I could tell he was kind of hurt when I said "ah be careful will you" but he never said anything.

I know that was my bad I should have said to him later "Sorry, didn't mean to snap, having a bad day" but I never did and I found him really distant from that point on, he went from saying hello to just a nod of the head, I didn't initially link the two incidents but as the weeks past, he completely and utterly ignored me and now he only talks via email for work purposes. My wife thinks hes just a snowflake who needs to grow up, Im a bit baffled someone could act like this at 34. Its not like my being angry once meant he wasn't a buddy but ive tried to talk to him a few times since and he just totally brushes me off, its obvious hes finished with me and im a mix of angry at myself for not clearing this up and annoyed at him for not giving me a chance. Im an Irish bloke so im not up for deep tete a tetes but im starting to internalise this and blame myself and im a bit wary not to annoy new people I meet. Don't get me wrong, I have other mates in work who I value and we don't work close every day just in the same department and any work q I ask him he always helps me. But nothing else no banter no chat etc. I say hello, he says hello and walks away asap. I guess I have to accept it but do you think theres a lesson in this for me, to be more considerate of people? Im confused..

Thelonious Monk

Strange behaviour from a grown man. F*ck him though, friends come and go, some sooner than others. Move on, he's not worth it.

Sardonicat

What do you mean 'you took it out on him' ?
Did you lose your rag at him?

Calypso Realm

You mentioned he looked hurt yet you never apologised OP? Also suspect he's got anxiety. Frankly, you should have and I can't understand why you didn't! I reckon it would have gone a long way towards healing this rift.

He sounds very offended by what you did and is now wary of you. Being snapped at in work can be very embarrassing particularly if there were others around. Were there?

LegacyUser

Hello and thanks for the replies. First off, no there were no other people around when it happened, I would never shout at someone in front of other people as I know how embarrassing that is. I was stressed up to the gills one day where people were demanding this that and the other, and he was being careless with toner near my desk, he almost spilled some on a document, I rolled my eyes and said "Be careful will you" and I should have in hindsight said ah sorry im just stressed. He hasn't been the same since. But I thought us being blokes we could just get on with it, id buy him a pint, chat as usual next day, no hard feelings. I find it very hard to just say "Oh sorry about snapping at you" i just beat myself up for it inside and vow to treat them better. Not an excuse i know but that's my logic. I certainly didn't think any less of him at all, just a bad moment from me.
Now theres no friendship at all and i feel guilty about ending it, hes a decent bloke and i really thought this was nothing, a little blip, and we carry on. Its obvious now he doesn't want anything to do with me so maybe i should chalk this up and move on, it still niggles at me though so do you think its worth saying sorry about what i did and hes still welcome at the next drinking session (he hasn't come since) or just be civil and accept its over?

wylo

This is a weird situation tbh, it really depends on what a "snap" means because its hard for us to determine whether it was just a slight mild annoyed tone or you actually shouted at him.

If you shouted and it wasnt in the context of a heated moment (for everyone) then that is pretty weird to be honest and he should be getting an apology. Its not like ye were on a football pitch. Lads will be lads etc, but we dont actually shout at each other unless its an argument, even then its rare amongst friends. Now that said I do think is being too sensitive regardless. Cause he could have said "its just ****ing toner relax"

However if all you did was slightly raise your tone or be slightly annoyed, then yes it sounds like your wife might be right, that he is a snowflake and not able to handle anything that is not all smiles and is far too sensitive for his own good. If he has anxiety then I would say this is most likely what happened. This really is his problem not yours, despite you losing the friendship. Its not good enough for him to treat someone else like that.


Has anything similar ever happened to you before with other people? If this is your first experience of something like this then id say this guy isnt being reasonable, but if you have had similar experiences in the past its possible you may have an aggressive vibe that makes people uncomfortable that you're unware of. I know a few people like this and generally people keep their distance once they confirm what they suspected, which is that theyre a bit nuts!

wylo

Also regarding your question, if you're 100% sure hes not being your friend as a result of that incident then an apology can never do any harm. Because even though he has growing up to do it seems like so do you if you cant work up the balls to apologise to someone.


Its incredibly powerful to receive an apology, especially for sensitive people (I am sort of one too but not as bad as that guy it seems). Once you receive it you're like "Oh right that guy actually felt bad about that too". Its a weight off the shoulders and a nice compliment when receiving one.

LillySV

forgiveandforget wrote: »

I know this may sound trivial but when you get older you tend to value your friendships that bit more. Im male, 40 and had a good buddy from work who is mid 30s now, we got along very well at the start when we worked together on a project, played some pool regularly and went out a few times with the work gang. I suspect he has some anxiety as he never seemed a bit comfortable in social situations but I didn't press it, that's his business. We became good buddies over the years and had a great laugh but earlier this year, I was having a bad day at work and I kind of took it out on him, something stupid and minor where he spilled a toner near a document of mine. I could tell he was kind of hurt when I said "ah be careful will you" but he never said anything.

I know that was my bad I should have said to him later "Sorry, didn't mean to snap, having a bad day" but I never did and I found him really distant from that point on, he went from saying hello to just a nod of the head, I didn't initially link the two incidents but as the weeks past, he completely and utterly ignored me and now he only talks via email for work purposes. My wife thinks hes just a snowflake who needs to grow up, Im a bit baffled someone could act like this at 34. Its not like my being angry once meant he wasn't a buddy but ive tried to talk to him a few times since and he just totally brushes me off, its obvious hes finished with me and im a mix of angry at myself for not clearing this up and annoyed at him for not giving me a chance. Im an Irish bloke so im not up for deep tete a tetes but im starting to internalise this and blame myself and im a bit wary not to annoy new people I meet. Don't get me wrong, I have other mates in work who I value and we don't work close every day just in the same department and any work q I ask him he always helps me. But nothing else no banter no chat etc. I say hello, he says hello and walks away asap. I guess I have to accept it but do you think theres a lesson in this for me, to be more considerate of people? Im confused..

You should’ve said sorry for being a prick.... and it’s still not too late... the fact you asking about friendship proves you want to be his friend... and apart from that... u work with him.... falling out and creating continuous tension in work is not worth it

KaneToad

If you snapped at me over something that was clearly an accident, and didn't apologise, I wouldn't bother with you much anymore either. You would swiftly return to my "work acquaintances" pile. I'm no snowflake either- just have no time for insincerity.

TLDR, your friends reaction is not unique

leggo

These things are such ‘had to be there’ situations to give any kind of reasonable judgement. But it is always worth being mindful of snapping at people in general and apologising if you do. It can be easily done. I had a lad in work I’ve loads of time for mess with me while I was in the middle of something important that was stressing me and I shouted at him to eff off before I even thought. Went up to him a few minutes later when I was free and we muttered apologies to each other and all forgotten about. But he’d have been within his rights to be wary of me and I’d have regretted it. Apologising in general is a good habit to get into.

PARlance

I would apologise to him but then I would leave him off then. Life's too short to be worrying that a friend is going to get offended/upset about such things.

weetiepie

forgiveandforget wrote: »

I know this may sound trivial but when you get older you tend to value your friendships that bit more. Im male, 40 and had a good buddy from work who is mid 30s now, we got along very well at the start when we worked together on a project, played some pool regularly and went out a few times with the work gang. I suspect he has some anxiety as he never seemed a bit comfortable in social situations but I didn't press it, that's his business. We became good buddies over the years and had a great laugh but earlier this year, I was having a bad day at work and I kind of took it out on him, something stupid and minor where he spilled a toner near a document of mine. I could tell he was kind of hurt when I said "ah be careful will you" but he never said anything.

I know that was my bad I should have said to him later "Sorry, didn't mean to snap, having a bad day" but I never did and I found him really distant from that point on, he went from saying hello to just a nod of the head, I didn't initially link the two incidents but as the weeks past, he completely and utterly ignored me and now he only talks via email for work purposes. My wife thinks hes just a snowflake who needs to grow up, Im a bit baffled someone could act like this at 34. Its not like my being angry once meant he wasn't a buddy but ive tried to talk to him a few times since and he just totally brushes me off, its obvious hes finished with me and im a mix of angry at myself for not clearing this up and annoyed at him for not giving me a chance. Im an Irish bloke so im not up for deep tete a tetes but im starting to internalise this and blame myself and im a bit wary not to annoy new people I meet. Don't get me wrong, I have other mates in work who I value and we don't work close every day just in the same department and any work q I ask him he always helps me. But nothing else no banter no chat etc. I say hello, he says hello and walks away asap. I guess I have to accept it but do you think theres a lesson in this for me, to be more considerate of people? Im confused..

Sweet jesus, completely agree with your wife, definitely a snowflake in my opinion. Move on, no point in having someone like this in your life, you'll always be worried about saying the wrong thing in case he gets offended. Not worth the hassle.

ILoveYourVibes

From his perspective there might be more to it.

Why haven't you discussed it with him? Its worse when you leave it.

Confused dad

Just apologise for snapping at him. We've all snapped at a colleague/family member/friend if they've been clumsy and almost damaged something. These things happen and an acknowledgement that you were having a bad day and snapped in the heat of the moment is usually enough to smooth things over. The longer its left to linger, the harder it gets to get things back on track. Its obviously pressing on your mind, the fact that your friendship has suffered.

john343

weetiepie wrote: »

Sweet jesus, completely agree with your wife, definitely a snowflake in my opinion. Move on, no point in having someone like this in your life, you'll always be worried about saying the wrong thing in case he gets offended. Not worth the hassle.

Exactly, feck that sh*te.

If he cant think of why it may have happened and be understanding its bad form, end up only tip toeing around him going forward...f*ck that