Wedding stress - sister

LegacyUser

My partner and I are currently planning our wedding, but I'm having issues with my sister. Without wanting to give away too much identifying information, she has a lot of problems (mainly rooted to her mental health, including anxiety) which means she may not come to the wedding. I was naturally upset at the realisation that my sister may not be at my wedding, but I've come to terms with it now. I plan to stay over at the family home the night before the wedding, so at the very least she can be involved in the preparations in the morning and we can get some photos together there. However, she's recently changed her tune and said she'd like to try her best to attend. Mainly for my sake I think, to try and be a good sister. Its gone from her not coming at all, to her maybe staying until the end of the meal. Great, right?

Except, she's stressing me out about it all SO much now. She's flipping out over every little detail. Some of the things she's worrying about are so off the wall that I don't even want to type them, because if she reads this thread, she'd immediately know it's about her. Suffice to say, it’s all very minor details that we haven’t even thought about ourselves yet, but she’s trying to influence our decisions (“I can’t go if you decide x”). Some things she’s suggesting I wouldn’t be happy with at all though. For example, if she decides to leave after the ceremony, she wants my Dad to give her a lift home. I’m not happy with this idea, because I don’t want my Dad pulled away from the celebrations and he might prefer not to drive anyway if he wants a few drinks. For context, the whole day will take place in the same venue, there is no accommodation at the venue and it’s very close to home. So my Dad has no reason to be driving around after the ceremony and she could very easily get a taxi instead, but she doesn’t seem happy with this suggestion.

I know the simple solution would be not to talk to her about the plans at all. But naturally it’s going to come up in conversation every now and again. And if she does plan to attend, she’ll definitely want to know all the granular details anyway well ahead of time so that she can be mentally prepared for what to expect. So I figure it’s better to give her the information in dribs and drabs as we make the decisions and set her straight where necessary (e.g. not pulling our Dad away to be her chauffeur) rather than giving her all the information in one shocking blow?

There’s one piece of information in particular that I’m dreading telling her though - that I plan to invite a relative that she’s not talking to. If she’s freaking out over all the little things, I can’t imagine how she’ll react to this. But I’d rather she know sooner rather than later, so she has as much time as possible to come around to the idea (if she decides to go at all). I also don’t want to have this hanging over my own head for too much longer, as the longer I leave it, the more worried I get about telling her.

I suppose I’m here partially just to vent, but if anyone has any advice for how to deal with the situation I’d love to hear it? This is meant to be a fun and exciting time, but she’s making it all so stressful!

Sardonicat

Your sister obviously has quite severe anxiety and needs to know exactly how things will be in order to cope. That's part of her condition. I do understand how difficult that is to deal with for you but try to understand it's one hundred times worse to live like this, unable to deal with any ambiguity at all. Having said that, she is the one with the condition and while of course it is necessary to be mindful of that when dealing with her, the onus is on her to manage her symptoms in a way that doesn't impact your wedding day negatively. You need to let her know what is happening on the day well before and let her process that information and make her decision whether to attend or not. Be clear your plans aren't up for discussion. On the matter of her Dad bringing her home, that's between your sister and him. If it's the difference between her being able to attend or not than its a small thing in the grand scheme of things and could well be something your Dad wants to do to make you both happy. It might not be as easy as you think for her to 'just get a taxi.'

In short, tell her the who, when, where, what of the day now and make it clear it's non negotiable and let her know it's her decision and you'll respect it whatever she decides.

ongarboy

OP - your sister sounds very narcisstic and selfish. I acknowledge she may have mental health issues or severe anxiety that may make her not consider how her actions affect others but using her anxiety as an excuse to ruin your day or stress you out and is disingenuous and insulting of her to anyone who has ever suffered anxiety.

I do however think it's important that you or your father or anyone else do not enable her on this particular special and unique day. Your Dad should stand firm and say this is his other daughter's (i.e. you) big day and he should not be expected to take time away to act as your sister's chauffeur if she chooses to leave early. Tell her she can get a taxi, public transport, cycle, whatever and if that doesn't suit her, then so be it. Also, if she is emotionally blackmailing you that she won't come if another relative comes (and where you feel the relative is justified in coming and hasn't done anything awful to your sister in the past that you are aware of), then that is also on her not to come. Why should she also control who is/isn't invited to the wedding - again, by letting her call all the shots means you are enabling her yet again.

If you are constantly enabling her, then your big once in a lifetime day becomes her day (it sounds like every day is her day if she is used to you all pandering to her). I sense all the other issues you have not raised for fear of identifying her or you are down to similar enabling and fear of rocking the boat to suit her and not you?

Do not pander to her petty demands. If anyone asks why she wasn't present, tell them to ask her. I wonder if her petty excuses will fly when she has to explain why she didn't attend. It's unfortunate not to have your whole family behind you on this special day but it's regrettfully better to have a family member absent rather than present and potentially ruining your day. I'm sure your fiance wouldn't want her ruining your day like this either - what are his thoughts and advice on this?

ChrissieH

Hi OP!

Yes, she is definitely making your wedding planning extremely stressful. Is it an option to write down the plans for the day, like a timeline, with lots of details about things that directly affect her- I'm thinking things like "everyone leave the house in Dad's car at 2.30pm. 3pm ceremony with family photos directly afterwards for 1 hour in the hotel grounds. Family (name your family members so she knows she's not going to be anywhere near the person she's fallen out with unless she chooses to be) to sit together at Table 1. Book taxi at hotel reception after dessert",
I'm just thinking that if she has such deep anxiety, a step-by-step guide for her to look at regularly might help her to plan things out in her own mind, helping to alleviate it all for her?
You know her best, so if you think that drip-feeding the info is good, then that's great, but I'm just thinking would it be better this way, rather than you having to stress every couple of weeks about the next thing she has to be told?

It does suck that this is an issue, unfortunately wedding planning fun is very often ruined by family members who seem to think it's all about them, so while this is extreme, please don't think that everyone else has nothing but fun when planning their weddings!!! :-) I enjoyed it in the early days but as time went on, it became more about my in-laws insisting on people being invited that were categorically not welcome (by us), which caused a rift that caused a lot of arguments between my husband and I, and them, and still has repercussions 4 years later. That, on top of the financial stress and worrying about old fogies enjoyment of the band / food etc etc.
Weddings are great but they're not without their down-side, so please don't feel like you're the only bride who encounters issues - it's very common and I would recommend that you find some forums specifically related to wedding planning, so you can vent like mad and also see that other people have the same crap, they might have some great tips for you!! (i.e. feck everyone, do what you want!!)

Best of luck with it all!

ILoveYourVibes

Stop falling down her rabbit hole.

None of these things matter. Stop listening to them. If you solved all of them ....she would find new ones. Its not the details its her feelings. She will be anxious whatever.

Stop listening.

Just let her know if she is welcome ...great if she chooses not to come ..you understand and love her.

I would tell her about the relative now. Stop thinking about her reactions etc. Tune her out a bit.

But stop worrying either she comes or doesn't.

Congrats !

Ellie2008

ongarboy wrote: »

OP - your sister sounds very narcisstic and selfish. I acknowledge she may have mental health issues or severe anxiety that may make her not consider how her actions affect others but using her anxiety as an excuse to ruin your day or stress you out and is disingenuous and insulting of her to anyone who has ever suffered anxiety.

I do however think it's important that you or your father or anyone else do not enable her on this particular special and unique day. Your Dad should stand firm and say this is his other daughter's (i.e. you) big day and he should not be expected to take time away to act as your sister's chauffeur if she chooses to leave early. Tell her she can get a taxi, public transport, cycle, whatever and if that doesn't suit her, then so be it. Also, if she is emotionally blackmailing you that she won't come if another relative comes (and where you feel the relative is justified in coming and hasn't done anything awful to your sister in the past that you are aware of), then that is also on her not to come. Why should she also control who is/isn't invited to the wedding - again, by letting her call all the shots means you are enabling her yet again.

If you are constantly enabling her, then your big once in a lifetime day becomes her day (it sounds like every day is her day if she is used to you all pandering to her). I sense all the other issues you have not raised for fear of identifying her or you are down to similar enabling and fear of rocking the boat to suit her and not you?

Do not pander to her petty demands. If anyone asks why she wasn't present, tell them to ask her. I wonder if her petty excuses will fly when she has to explain why she didn't attend. It's unfortunate not to have your whole family behind you on this special day but it's regrettfully better to have a family member absent rather than present and potentially ruining your day. I'm sure your fiance wouldn't want her ruining your day like this either - what are his thoughts and advice on this?

It sounds like the OP’s sister has a serious mental illness which can’t be fun for her. Unfortunately mental illness can result in the sufferer being selfish, trying to stop the anxiety because an all encompassing goal. It doesn’t mean she is a selfish person not to mind narcissistic.

That said OP I would try to gently say to your sister that while you understand she isn’t well, you’d really appreciate if she prioritised you for this one day & stop doing things like expecting your dad to leave the wedding. I’d try to set it out from your point of view & explain how her illness impacts to everyone else as she is probably too consumed to appreciate how her illness impacts others. I’m no expert & while understanding you have to do what you can to get through your wedding day I don’t think giving into an anxiety sufferer is advised, I think it just leaves them even less able to cope.

Purple Mountain

Hi OP.

Yes, that's very stressful for you and having experience of a friend in a similar situation as your sister, I can understand.

How about you delegate another family member as her 'chaperone' for your wedding?
What I mean is, you could explain to your sister that you appreciate her concerns and questions but you are simply too busy to deal with her stuff at thd moment. You will have someone else who will answer her questions or give her advice/reassurance when she needs it for the wedding.
Maybe another sibling? An aunt?
Someone to just take her under their wing for the time being and maybe be her partner on the day too. You could have this person as the lift home for her.
It's obviously up to your dad whether he'd take her home or not but you can explain to your sister that unfortunately that's a big ask as it's a special day for your dad too.
You should tell her about the other person she doesn't talk to coming but leave it at that.
Step aside from the stress/drama and delegate the big sister role for this time.
Best of luck.

lainey_d_123

Ah, now. I've suffered from severe anxiety for years but it's just not OK to do this to someone. Anxiety isn't an excuse to make someone else's wedding all about you and expect the father of the bride to leave the venue to drive you around! I'd tell her that it's better for everyone if she sticks to the original plan of not coming. She can still help with the preparation, take some photos on the morning, etc. but can you imagine how stressed you'll be if she's there? She could kick off when she sees this relative she's not talking to, she could have a meltdown for whatever reason. She doesn't seem to be mature enough to see that none of this is about her.

I really do sympathise with the anxiety but if it's this bad, then she needs to understand how it affects others around her too. I'd explain that you really don't want her to come out of a sense of guilt or fear of missing out or whatever is driving her to want to come.

B0jangles

Is she in therapy/taking medication to address her anxiety?

From my own experience, removing the things which are causing immediate anxiety will only mean the anxiety will almost instantly refocus on something else. The answer is not to keep removing whatever the current focus of anxiety is, it's dealing with the background condition itself.

It sounds like you've been, and are being as understanding and accommodating as you could reasonably be expected to be, but know you're being expected to keep on hitting a moving target and thats both exhausting and extremely frustrating.

She needs to take serious steps to find real coping techniques, medications and therapies. If she's already doing so, then she needs to talk through this situation with her therapist to come up with concrete strategies for dealing with the big day.

You simply can't change reality to remove every possible source of anxiety, please don't feel guilty because you can't perform the impossible.

Very best wishes for your wedding

ManOfMystery

Weddings are stressful enough without the addition of this.

I think it's time for a short, sharp and direct conversation with your sister. Not asking her for input, but laying out how things are going to be. You need to be firm and concise and not let yourself be drawn into a long protracted discussion.

Make it clear that you would really like her to be there as she's your sister, but all the additional questions, nitpicking of details and her insistence on forcing certain things to align with what she wants - none of this is helping you to enjoy the run-up to what should be one of the happiest days you have.

Shelga

Hi OP, I have a brother exactly like this. My parents, particularly my father, enable him constantly. My father is the type who would drive my brother home on my wedding day if he demanded it, just like you’re describing.

Yes, anxiety disorder is a horrible thing to have, but this is your damn wedding day and you’re entitled to not have it be all about her. If she’s anything like my brother, god knows it’s all about her the other 364 days of the year.

Tell her the plans, tell her about the relative who’s coming, absolve yourself of any guilt whatsoever. Tell her you’d like to have her there but this is the plan, and if she’s not happy with it then so be it.

The other poster is exactly right- if one potential issue is resolved, it will just be projected onto something else five minutes later. Enough.

wiggle16

Hi OP

Planning a wedding is stressful enough without this added into the mix.

My ex suffered with quite severe anxiety, but did also use it to get out of things he just didn't want to do. So I can understand both worlds here - knowing the person can't help how they are, but also getting p*ssed off and hurt when it's used as a get-out-clause for otherwise selfish behaviour. It's a tough one.

Vibes actually made a good point above. No matter what you do she will find something else to be anxious about.

I know it's going to be hard to strike a middle ground here, and I don't think you should be bending over backwards to accommodate anyone other than yourself and your fiancé, but I know you don't want to be or seem inconsiderate of her either. So I think this is the fairest thing to do:

- Don't involve her directly in the planning, or bridal party if any.
- once you have made a decision about a particular detail or aspect of the wedding, let her know, be that piecemeal or all in one go. Do it in the way that suits you best.
- make clear you're letting her know with the proviso that it is solely to give her a heads up, and that what you have decided is not going to change.
- make clear she will know in advance about the details of your wedding. It is up to her then to decide if she can handle it.
- let her know that you're not in a position to keep reassuring her about everything, and you won't be doing that.
- let her know that while you want her to attend, you understand if she can't.

With regards the person she is at odds with, I would tell her that you're inviting that person, and that that person will be coming even though your sister will also be attending - so you expect the same from her.

All in all, make clear that all of the above is a courtesy to her and that if attending is going to be too much for her or if she cannot refrain from trying to interfere, she shouldn't attend. You won't be shaping the day to suit her and it's up to her if she can handle it.

Pick the path of least resistance. This is your wedding, it might sound hard hearted to say a lot of the above to her, but it's not: the above is more than fair to her.

Best of luck and I hope you have a fantastic day x

Juicyfruit

Do you know, I used to be very like your sister. I used to suffer terribly with social anxiety and fear of the unknown throughout my teenage years and early 20s.

If we were going anywhere(party, visiting family/friends) I would need to know exactly what was happening, who was going to be there and what was going to happen etc. And would be worrying about it constantly on the days/weeks leading up to it. It was awful and my boyfriend at the time (who is now my husband) could never understand it and I feel, was very frustrated by it.

Thankfully now I’m my 30s I can say I don’t have those feeling anymore.

I can definitely understand where your sister is coming from but at the same time, I know for a fact that if I was in her position and one of my sisters was getting married, I would have sucked it up and done whatever was necessary to make sure I didn’t have any affect on her big day. There would never have been a question of not going to the wedding or expecting others to cater to me.

Anyway, Its a really frustrating position that you’re being put in but I honestly think at this point it’s probably best that she doesn’t go.

HildaOgdenx

wiggle16 wrote: »

Hi OP

Planning a wedding is stressful enough without this added into the mix.

With regards the person she is at odds with, I would tell her that you're inviting that person, and that that person will be coming even though your sister will also be attending - so you expect the same from her.

All in all, make clear that all of the above is a courtesy to her and that if attending is going to be too much for her or if she cannot refrain from trying to interfere, she shouldn't attend. You won't be shaping the day to suit her and it's up to her if she can handle it.

Pick the path of least resistance. This is your wedding, it might sound hard hearted to say a lot of the above to her, but it's not: the above is more than fair to her.

Best of luck and I hope you have a fantastic day x

+1.

Anxiety is horrible, and I do hope that she is getting all the help she possibly can.

I'm not underestimating how horrible it is. But it doesn't give anyone the say / control over someone else's life that she seems to be taking, in relation to your wedding day.

As alluded to, by a previous poster, there can also be a family dynamic around it. What will X do, how will X cope...and that becomes so automatic that it becomes the default, and the first consideration in every situation.

I cannot emphasise enough, that I am not in any way belittling her anxiety.

However, I fully agree that in this situation, she will have to be told that the relative is attending, and that is non-negotiable. As are other things that you have arranged.

I hope you have a fantastic day.

Dark Phoenix

With anxiety drip feeding is less likely to help as there is often fear of uncertainty and the unknown. Lay down the facts clearly - whats happening and when and who is going and let her make an informed choice and plan. Its understandable to have anxiety I have suffered myself in the past but its not acceptable to make it everyone elses problem and to expect to have everything pandered to - personally I would think 'im not going if X is going' to be less of an anxiety issue and more of a personality issue
Your dad absolutely shouldnt get involved in orchestrating plans to bring her home but be kind to him if he does because it sounds like your sister pulls on him emotionally and living with and worrying about her is probably a strain on your parents if she is as emotionally demanding as you have said

TheW1zard

Put your future wife first!

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the replies! I really appreciate it.

On the matter of her Dad bringing her home, that's between your sister and him.

Yes, anxiety disorder is a horrible thing to have, but this is your damn wedding day and you’re entitled to not have it be all about her. If she’s anything like my brother, god knows it’s all about her the other 364 days of the year.

While technically I know that’s between her and my Dad, another poster has hit the nail on the head here. It’s about her every other day – surely this is the ONE day that it should be about me? I’ve told my Dad that I’m not happy with the idea of him disappearing in the middle of the day to give her a lift (potentially when we want to organise everyone for group photos!). Is it so bad for me to want my Dad to be fully present on my wedding day and around for the photos etc? I don’t want my Dad to feel like he’s being pulled in opposite directions by the two of us, but I think it’s important that I make my needs known clearly and early – and surely my needs should take priority over my sisters on my wedding day? I really do feel sorry for my Dad caught up in it all and I don’t want to put him that position. But I don’t want to stand idly by and let my sister have her way when it’s the exact opposite to what I want on my wedding day. As far as I’m concerned, my sister is the one making unreasonable demands, not me, so I don’t want to feel guilty about asking him to stick around after the ceremony.

OP - your sister sounds very narcisstic and selfish.

It definitely comes across like that at times. But I know logically she’s not really or doesn’t mean to be. I think it’s largely rooted to her underlying conditions (she has other issues beside anxiety). She doesn’t like upsetting me and I know it’s all about her trying to find a way to cope herself.

Is it an option to write down the plans for the day, like a timeline, with lots of details about things that directly affect her- I'm thinking things like "everyone leave the house in Dad's car at 2.30pm. 3pm ceremony with family photos directly afterwards for 1 hour in the hotel grounds.

With anxiety drip feeding is less likely to help as there is often fear of uncertainty and the unknown. Lay down the facts clearly - whats happening and when and who is going and let her make an informed choice and plan.

Ideally yes, I plan to give her a schedule of the day insofar as possible. But we’re nowhere near that point in the planning yet. We’re still in the middle of planning a lot of the big things (e.g. DJ, dress etc), so I won’t have the smaller details pinned down until closer to the time. I don’t mean that I’ll be intentionally holding back and drip feeding her the information, but let her know the information as it becomes available.

One decision we’re going to have to make is where to take the family photos. The venue is lovely inside (perfect on a rainy day), but there is no proper outside area for photos. So if the weather is nice, we might want a small group of people to come 5-10mins down the road to an outdoor location for family portraits etc. We haven’t made any firm decision in relation to this yet though and would need to consider transport etc. I mentioned it very much in passing and my sister freaked out at the idea of either having leave the venue for photos or us leaving her “alone” at the venue if she decides not to come for the photos. We may end up having a plan A and a plan B depending on the weather – I don’t know how she’ll cope with that uncertainty, but I also want to allow some flexibility for ourselves.

The table plan is another major concern (she brought it up, not me). She said she absolutely has to sit beside our Dad and with her back to the wall. But we’ll definitely be having round tables – this is our venues default and I hate the “last supper” style top tables! Naturally myself and my husband will want to be the ones looking out at the room and not have our backs to our guests though. So essentially her requirements would mean that she wants to sit where the bride/groom would be sitting! So I can tell that there’s a major problem on the horizon there...

None of these things matter. Stop listening to them. If you solved all of them ....she would find new ones. Its not the details its her feelings. She will be anxious whatever.

You’re dead right there. She’ll always find something to be worried about.

Stop thinking about her reactions etc. Tune her out a bit.

Easier said than done unfortunately. I feel like my family and I have been pandering to her our whole lives, so it’s extremely difficult to switch something off that’s a lifetime habit. Every step of the way I’m wondering “what would she think about this”.

She was even an influencing factor for our venue. I knew that there was a chance she’d come to the ceremony if it was possible for her to make an easy escape home afterwards – our chosen venue couldn’t possibly be more convenient for her to do this.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love our venue and we had other reasons for choosing it, but she definitely influenced the decision. We might have considered more options further afield if she wasn’t being so difficult about it all.
I really don’t want to let her influence any more of the decisions in our wedding though!

How about you delegate another family member as her 'chaperone' for your wedding?
What I mean is, you could explain to your sister that you appreciate her concerns and questions but you are simply too busy to deal with her stuff at thd moment. You will have someone else who will answer her questions or give her advice/reassurance when she needs it for the wedding.
Maybe another sibling? An aunt?
Someone to just take her under their wing for the time being and maybe be her partner on the day too. You could have this person as the lift home for her.

That’s a good idea actually. I have a sibling who might be willing to take her under his wing for the day. He doesn’t drive, but he could help get her into a taxi home if needed.

Is she in therapy/taking medication to address her anxiety?

She doesn’t like talking to me about it. I know she’s been to doctors about treatment options, but have no idea what she has tried or if anything has worked (doesn’t seem like it).

- Don't involve her directly in the planning, or bridal party if any.
- once you have made a decision about a particular detail or aspect of the wedding, let her know, be that piecemeal or all in one go. Do it in the way that suits you best.
- make clear you're letting her know with the proviso that it is solely to give her a heads up, and that what you have decided is not going to change.
- make clear she will know in advance about the details of your wedding. It is up to her then to decide if she can handle it.
- let her know that you're not in a position to keep reassuring her about everything, and you won't be doing that.
- let her know that while you want her to attend, you understand if she can't.

Thanks for that and it’s a good checklist!

I keep trying to remind myself (and getting my fiancé to remind me) that we need to make the decisions about our own wedding for ourselves and the way we want the day to be. Separate to that, it’s my sisters decision whether or not she wants to come – she shouldn’t be influencing the decisions we make.

Anyway, Its a really frustrating position that you’re being put in but I honestly think at this point it’s probably best that she doesn’t go.

I know it’s terrible, but at times I think it would just be easier for everyone if she didn’t come. She’s my sister and I’d love her to be there, but not if it’s going to cause her, me and our family a huge amount of stress in the run up to and on the day
Ironically she’s trying to do the right thing by coming though.

rondog

Frankly-she has already ruined your day.

The spotlight and drama is centred around her and your are stressed and fatigued trying to bend backwards to accomodate her.

I woudl just go full ahead with what YOU want and if she doesnt fall into line let her exclude herself.

Seems to me if she doesnt come your preparations and the day would go much better and smoother.

Sardonicat

100% your needs should take precedence. All I meant by it being between your Dad and your sister was not to fall out with your Dad over it and destroy your day. You've made your needs known to him and I really hope he takes them on board.

I really hope you have a fantastic wedding day.

Sardonicat

Oh OP, I just re read your post and saw the part about the seating arrangements and photos. Seriously, tell her how it's going to be and let her find a way to deal with it or stay home!

Her default for dealing with her issues is to have everyone bend over backwards to suit her. She doesn't seem to have any self soothing or coping strategies in place. You can't change the tables. You can't change the need for travelling out a bit for photos. She finds a way to cope with these issues or she misses the wedding. It might just be the kick up the posterior she needs to proactively deal with her issues . She is being selfish, OP, because she doesn't seem to consider the impact she is having on those around her. Tough love time, here!