In Laws

arkle1

I know this shouldn't even be on my radar at the moment but it is ...my Mam had a serious operation recently. Most people I know have sent me a quick text to just say hope it goes well etc.

I noticed however that I've heard nothing from my sisters in law whom I've known for over 10 years. I recently asked my husband if they had been in touch with him. He told me he received 1 text on his family group chat where a sister asked if the operation had gone ahead.

We don't have a close relationship. However, I think it shows just how little regard they have for me not to send a text. I feel hurt and I'm telling myself not to bother with them anymore as it's a waste of my time. Has anyone any advice, am I too sensitive?

TheMilkyPirate

You just said you don't have a close relationship. I don't see any problem here.

ManOfMystery

I guess the average decent person would send a text or something to wish her the best. But equally, if you don't have a close relationship with them then is there an expectation that you would get something at all? I don't have a close relationship with some family members (never mind inlaws) and I have zero expectations of any communication from them in times of need.

Addle

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I guess the average decent person would send a text or something to wish her the best. But equally, if you don't have a close relationship with them then is there an expectation that you would get something at all? I don't have a close relationship with some family members (never mind inlaws) and I have zero expectations of any communication from them in times of need.

I’m the same.

You’re looking for trouble OP.
Avoid it.

banie01

As others have said, you don't have a close relationship.
If you want reason to take offence, find a better one don't give the in-laws space in your head.
Hope your mother recovers well.

wiggle16

I don't think it's worth personalising it. You're not close and people can get very wrapped up in themselves in the run up to Christmas. It's also possible they didn't want to bother you, I am often wary of texting people around big events like that because I always feel like I'm going to upset them or am overstepping the mark in some way.

I would drop it - it's poor form but it's not worth falling out with anyone over, nor would it be fair on your partner.

Pick your battles and drop this one.

arkle1

Thanks to all who replied. Really appreciate the time.

Think theres a general consensus that I'm being over -sensitive.

Just on the point re not being close, I would have thought "yeah we aren't close but are on good terms". I guess when you mix in other indicators from the past that they mightn't be too keen on me, the thought process on my end is a bit clouded right now.

Overall the main focus is on Mam and her recovery right now. I know I'll be interacting over Christmas with the inlaws and wasnt sure if I should just make my excuses while I feel like this.

wiggle16

They will probably ask about it when you see them over christmas anyway. If the relationship is in any way strained don't give them anything else to ruminate over. It's always tough on the person in the middle, your spouse.

My attitude to stuff like this is "first assume no harm" - if a slight can be explained as ignorance rather than maliciousness then assume it's the former, and don't stress over it. No point in sweating the small stuff.

arkle1

wiggle16 wrote: »

They will probably ask about it when you see them over christmas anyway. If the relationship is in any way strained don't give them anything else to ruminate over. It's always tough on the person in the middle, your spouse.

My attitude to stuff like this is "first assume no harm" - if a slight can be explained as ignorance rather than maliciousness then assume it's the former, and don't stress over it. No point in sweating the small stuff.

That's actually really helped. Thanks

Princess Calla

I think over sensitive is a very strong and somewhat negative term

Alot of people go through life on the " no news is good news" philosophy. So your SIL could be thinking, well the operation went ahead haven't heard anything bad so happy days no further action needed yeah it would have been nice to get a text but equally not the end of the world.

Xterminator

Whats normal in one family is wildy unusual in another. It could just be that this level of communication in the sibling affairs is normal here for them. But your judging them by different standards.

You husband was asked about and provided an update on the family chat. Does he think they have been amiss in their attention, honestly?

I have had an experience of two wildly different families when growing up with my mothers side being loud, expressive, possibly vulgar even, but very involved and communicative. My fathers sibling were by contrast aloof, and distant. Contact was almost always at family events rarely outside that. They certainly never turned up on my doorstep unannounced. Yet knowing them better i understand it doesn't mean one family has a monopoly on caring about me, my family etc.

I don't think strangers can tell you if they care but didn't want to intrude, or if they felt comfortable with just a single enquiry, or if they just don't consider it important. I suspect your husband can shed more light on that.

If your asking what normal is for other people ... there is no normal!!

rainbowtrout

They asked your husband in the group chat, presumably he said it all went well. Do they really need to contact you separately????

If you are not that close to them you may be expecting too much. If you are not that close, maybe some of them weren't even aware this operation was happening.

My brother is going out with a girl for a couple of years, they are engaged. I have no idea what his future mother in law is called, let alone what her health is like.

Neyite

I'm quite close to my SIL, I would consider her a good friend, and I've met her dad many times but when her dad had an operation I didn't text or ask after him further than "how did your dad's operation go?" I don't even know what he got done, nor would I ask.

Because, well, it's ultimately his medical business and the only way it affects me is if my SIL needs support - say in the event that there were complications I'd offer to help her out to free her up to help her dad.

Now, having said that, sometimes it can be a barometer of what kind of relationship you have with a person when the chips are down. When we had a family bereavement a good few years ago some women I used to work with that I considered to be good friends never so much as dropped me a "sorry for your loss" text. So I realised that they didn't regard me as a friend in the way I considered them to be my friend so I adjusted my expectations from that point on.

Have you texted them when they were facing stressful events? If you haven't done that then you really can't expect them to reciprocate. If you have been doing that then I think it shows you that they aren't interested in a friendship with you, unfortunately.