Is there options I'm missing?

LegacyUser · 17-12-2019 1:03am #1

Hi all,
Myself and my partner have been together 6 years. We are both in our mid-twenties. I love him dearly. He's my rock. I find it very hard to form attachments to people, so it means a lot to me that I fell for him. We get on great, and have never fallen out. In fact, we have barely had an argument. Our outlooks on life are just about the same. However, it now seems we are on a seperate page on one very major issue... kids.

I thought I had been clear from the beginning that I didn't want children. I thought this was something he was okay with. However, a throwaway comment he made has me questioning how okay he really is about it. I reminded him of one of the simpler reasons why I don't want children, but he began picking it apart. It wasn't the time or the place to remind him of the more complex, trauma based, emotionally charged reasons for not wanting children so the topic was changed, but it became obvious that he thought I will change my mind.

I'm aware that this needs to be discussed properly, at a more appropriate time. Yet, from reading up on it, and even from just lurking here, the options are not pretty. It seems we're left with:
- I don't change my stance but have a child to save the relationship, which would likely lead to PND and resentment of the child and possibly partner.
- He decides he wants to stay with me more than he wants children, likely ending in him resenting me.
- We continue as we are on the small possibility that hormones make me change my mind in 10 years time.
- We continue as we are on the small possibility that he becomes truly content with not having children.
- We break up so he can have a better chance of having children with someone else, leading to horrendous heartbreak on both sides after a really crappy year already, and I face the possibility of not being able to form an attachment to someone again.

Is there any other option that I'm missing? Every other aspect of the relationship is fantastic, and I would otherwise be quite happy to spend the rest of my life with him. Yet, this tends to be a huge issue in a relationship. The idea of having children makes me feel ill. I don't want to discuss this without knowing all of our options, so if anyone can offer any more clarity on the matter, it would be very much appreciated.

ILoveYourVibes · 17-12-2019 1:40am

I don't think you can reduce something like this to a logical formula. So yes there is something you are missing.

Feelings and empathy for him. That is what you are missing.

You finding it hard to form attachments to other people is something you should be working on anyway for your own growth regardless of whether you are with this guy or not.

Also you should contemplate its fine to be alone.

Another person can't be your rock. Because then without them ..you're lost.

You don't seem like a well adapted person. Which might be part of the reason you don't want children and SHOULDNT have them. But its also why you are going to be somewhat trapped in a relationship with someone whose needs you can't meet.

Of course you should break up with him if he wants children and you don't.

You have missed another option. You look after your own growth and emotional development so you are able to form attachments in a healthy way. As i said you should be doing that anyway even in a relationship with him. Don't let anyone else be your rock! Be your own rock.

Such people who can't form attachments easily tend to become dependent on the ONE person they can attach to.

You have stated part of the reason for staying with him ..isn't just you love him...but fear you won't 'attach' to anyone else.

That isn't healthy.

The only healthy option you have listed bar you changing your minds ...is breaking up. IMO even listing very unhealthy things to do as 'Options' and considering them as options....isn't very mature.

Him staying with you ...even though you don't want kids and he does shouldn't be an option.

You have a kid JUST for him...shouldn't be an option.

If you put it like that to him in a discussion it sounds like you are manipulation him using logic. Maybe that is something YOU BOTH do since he appeared to do with YOUR reason for not wanting a kid.

That isn't a relationship.

Relationships are based on feelings and people.

Do you understand each other's feelings on this?

Do you feel his feelings about children ? Does he feel YOUR feelings about children? Ideally you should both feel the same thing on this topic.

If you don't ..and you are not even sure what the other feels. You are actually both very detached from each other's hearts and not as close as you think.

PARlance · 17-12-2019 1:49am

Another option: enjoy yourselves and revisit this in 3 years or so. You're mid-twenties, I can't imagine he would be in a huge rush and take time to look after yourself.

ILoveYourVibes · 17-12-2019 2:57am

PARlance wrote: »

Another option: enjoy yourselves and revisit this in 3 years or so. You're mid-twenties, I can't imagine he would be in a huge rush and take time to look after yourself.

That is one way to look at what you have said. Another way is ...put off talking about it in three yrs ...then take it out again.

In that time they might buy a house together and their lives be more intwined.

Putting things off is never a good idea. Its like sweeping things under the carpet.

Also she still needs to work on herself.

SusanC10 · 17-12-2019 7:44am

I think having a proper conversation sooner rather than later is important here.

I dated a guy for almost 3 years. Both of us mid-20s. He didn't want Kids, I did. I naively thought that he would change his mind. Then I realised just how much of a deal-breaker this was for me. I broke it off. Was heartbroken at the time. But started dating my Husband a year later.

That guy never did have Kids.

Having Kids is such a life-changing decision. Don't put off having the conversation.

SusieBlue · 17-12-2019 11:11am

This is not something one of you can compromise on, its up there as probably the biggest dealbreaker you can find in any relationship.
Ye are only wasting each others time and putting off the inevitable by dancing around the situation.
A conversation needs to be had so you both know where you stand. This will only cause anxiety and tension if you don't deal with it, and can quickly turn a relationship toxic.

Whocare · 17-12-2019 11:22am

If he wants kids and you don't he going to leave you it as simple as that .or he will hate you for the rest of his life

LegacyUser · 17-12-2019 11:35am

Hi Vibes,
While I appreciate you taking the time to reply, I feel you have somewhat missed the point.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Feelings and empathy for him. That is what you are missing.

I'm not sure how? Empathy for him is exactly what drove me to make this post in the first place.

You finding it hard to form attachments to other people is something you should be working on anyway for your own growth regardless of whether you are with this guy or not.

Also you should contemplate its fine to be alone.

I have no problem with being alone. In fact, I am quite happy to be alone. My attachment problems are not what is up for discussion here. I merely pointed them out as a way to express that I am not going to drop this relationship if there is any chance of saving it.

Another person can't be your rock. Because then without them ..you're lost.

Your partner being your rock is a commonly used expression when your partner has provided a great deal of support in hard times. Again, this is not the issue at hand, and I feel you are focusing on completely the wrong aspects of my posts.

You don't seem like a well adapted person. Which might be part of the reason you don't want children and SHOULDNT have them.

Once again, not the issue at hand, and I feel completely unnecessary. There are many reasons for me not wanting children and none of which can be derived from the few short sentences I've put here. It's frankly insulting that you think you can derive something like that from one or two lines of texts that you've taken out of context.

You have missed another option. You look after your own growth and emotional development so you are able to form attachments in a healthy way. As i said you should be doing that anyway even in a relationship with him. Don't let anyone else be your rock! Be your own rock.

Such people who can't form attachments easily tend to become dependent on the ONE person they can attach to.

Again, not the issue at hand

You have stated part of the reason for staying with him ..isn't just you love him...but fear you won't 'attach' to anyone else.

That isn't healthy.

Again, I mentioned that as a way of showing that this discussion isn't going to be taken lightly, and the relationship isn't going to be given up on easily. You seem to be trying to paint a picture of me being extremely dependent and even clingy to my partner. This is as far from the truth as you can get, and we are actually very independent of one another. I feel I should mention this, despite, as I said, it being irrelevant to what I am asking.

The only healthy option you have listed bar you changing your minds ...is breaking up. IMO even listing very unhealthy things to do as 'Options' and considering them as options....isn't very mature.

Him staying with you ...even though you don't want kids and he does shouldn't be an option.

You have a kid JUST for him...shouldn't be an option.

They shouldn't be an option, but they are options and should be accounted for, even if they are to be dismissed.

If you put it like that to him in a discussion it sounds like you are manipulation him using logic. Maybe that is something YOU BOTH do since he appeared to do with YOUR reason for not wanting a kid.

I am NOT trying to manipulate him. I am trying to get it clear in my own head before I discuss it with him. I do not want to present the only option as being to break up, if there are other options available that I haven't thought of.

That isn't a relationship.

Relationships are based on feelings and people.

No, what you have described is not a relationship. And it is not our relationship.

Do you understand each other's feelings on this?

Do you feel his feelings about children ? Does he feel YOUR feelings about children? Ideally you should both feel the same thing on this topic.

If you don't ..and you are not even sure what the other feels. You are actually both very detached from each other's hearts and not as close as you think.

We had discussed it several times, and I had thought we were in agreement until he made this comment.

I'm sorry to dissect your post like that, but you focused on minor parts of my own post, took them wildly out of context, and painted an entirely different picture of the situation than reality with some, quite frankly, insulting assumptions thrown in as well.

I shall be bringing up the subject again soon, but I didn't think at his parents dinner table was appropriate. I do not want to bring it up without being clear of all possible outcomes. It would be devastating to think the only option would be to break up, and then find out in a few years that someone had a different solution that we didn't consider at the time.

lozenges · 17-12-2019 11:37am

I think your position on not wanting kids is totally reasonable, and it's frustrating that when people are told this they internally assume you'll just change your mind. There's nothing wrong with you because you don't want kids.

It is something you can't really compromise on to be honest. However - all you need to do is make your position clear. Sit down with him some evening and explain to him in a non-confrontational way your feelings and that you think that's unlikely to ever change.

It is then his decision as an adult whether to continue the relationship with you, or choose to break it off. Both are valid options. But at the end of the day it's his choice.

ChrissieH · 17-12-2019 1:05pm

Hi OP,

First off, you obviously met your partner when you were quite young and while I'm not dismissing your claims to find it hard to form attachments, it is possible that you have changed, or will change, as you get older. Lots of people are more or less anxious and introverted at different times in their lives, so while I'm not disregarding the connection you have with your partner at all, have a bit of faith in your own ability to survive perfectly well without him.

Regarding children; I have never wanted them, I'm in my 40s now and still have never had that hormone-changing moment you describe!! I felt the same as you - that maybe one day I'd start to feel broody and maternal. Didn't happen.
I had 2 long-term relationships before my current marriage and all of my partners wanted children and were aware that I was not keen, but in our 20s, it wasn't an issue. We didn't end our relationships because of it, they ended for other reasons. It wasn't something that needed to be discussed because we weren't at the point where they wanted to have children yet.
If you are at that point with your partner, then you do need to make decisions; but if you are not, I really don't see anything wrong with PARlance's advice to leave things as they are for now.

It IS possible that you might decide to have kids in your 30s, but it is also possible that your partner will decide that he loves life without kids! - I can honestly say that I know couples in both situations.

You said yourself that your partner made a throwaway remark that has made you question everything; you're both still young in terms of life-plans, so is it not possible that he's just imagining various different scenarios for his future, without setting anything in stone?
Maybe he would just like to think that ye can have a discussion about it, with both of you outlining the pros and cons of having a family, rather than you getting to make a decision alone that affects him. Communication and discussion is important for all of the big things that couples have to navigate, it's irrelevant if you think your decision is set in stone, you still should be open to hearing his reasons for his opinion, as he should be for yours. And it's only after that discussion (or many discussions about it) that you can start to lay out your options.

My husband has a child but would have always assumed that he'd have more, as he's from a big family himself and it's just taken for granted that that's what life is all about. He always knew I wasn't into having kids, but did think that I might change my mind. When we discussed getting married after 7 years together, I told him that I still didn't feel like I wanted to have children, and that there was no point in him marrying me if this was going to be a problem, but he had decided by that stage that he was happy to have the child he has, and he wanted to be with me more than he wanted to have children with someone else, so obviously the few years of mulling it over had given him the time to really evaluate what he wanted in his life.
My close friend has been married for over 10 years to a man who said he wanted children, but as the years went by, they have had such a great life with the freedom to travel a lot (which they both value highly), that he decided years ago that he actually didn't want kids after all.

Without sounding old or condescending, I do feel that people in their 20s can be susceptible to the pressures of "conformity" in our society - pressure to get married, buy a house and have kids. Some of us just need to navigate past that pressured period without making any huge decisions, and then as we're older and wiser, take stock of what we truly want for our own lives.

ILoveYourVibes · 17-12-2019 1:54pm

OutsidersOptions wrote: »

Hi Vibes,
While I appreciate you taking the time to reply, I feel you have somewhat missed the point.

I'm not sure how? Empathy for him is exactly what drove me to make this post in the first place.

I have no problem with being alone. In fact, I am quite happy to be alone. My attachment problems are not what is up for discussion here. I merely pointed them out as a way to express that I am not going to drop this relationship if there is any chance of saving it.

Its not like you have to do anything right now.

Maybe ask him to think about what he really feels for 6 months ...and then talk about it seriously

Your partner being your rock is a commonly used expression when your partner has provided a great deal of support in hard times. Again, this is not the issue at hand, and I feel you are focusing on completely the wrong aspects of my posts.

Once again, not the issue at hand, and I feel completely unnecessary. There are many reasons for me not wanting children and none of which can be derived from the few short sentences I've put here. It's frankly insulting that you think you can derive something like that from one or two lines of texts that you've taken out of context.

Again, not the issue at hand

Again, I mentioned that as a way of showing that this discussion isn't going to be taken lightly, and the relationship isn't going to be given up on easily. You seem to be trying to paint a picture of me being extremely dependent and even clingy to my partner. This is as far from the truth as you can get, and we are actually very independent of one another. I feel I should mention this, despite, as I said, it being irrelevant to what I am asking.

They shouldn't be an option, but they are options and should be accounted for, even if they are to be dismissed.

I am NOT trying to manipulate him. I am trying to get it clear in my own head before I discuss it with him. I do not want to present the only option as being to break up, if there are other options available that I haven't thought of.

No, what you have described is not a relationship. And it is not our relationship.

We had discussed it several times, and I had thought we were in agreement until he made this comment.

I'm sorry to dissect your post like that, but you focused on minor parts of my own post, took them wildly out of context, and painted an entirely different picture of the situation than reality with some, quite frankly, insulting assumptions thrown in as well.

I shall be bringing up the subject again soon, but I didn't think at his parents dinner table was appropriate. I do not want to bring it up without being clear of all possible outcomes. It would be devastating to think the only option would be to break up, and then find out in a few years that someone had a different solution that we didn't consider at the time.

I am sorry i offended you. Genuinely.

From what you said you kind of describe that as your communication style between you and the BF. As in both of you dissect each other's points instead of trying to understand them?

If he really wants children and you don't then there is no chance of saving this relationship. Then its not healthy for either of you to be together long term. The only thing you could do is temporarily hang on to it ....until it become pressing and you have to let go then.

You tend to grow more apart as you age. It takes a while to become who you are.

The trouble is if you know this ...now about yourself.

You are trying to keep a relationship.....that in the long term is going to devastate one of you. That's not healthy at any age.

If he doesn't want children ...then happy days. But you need to understand his feelings about that away from this relationship. I mean ...if he weren't with you or if you wanted kids ..would he want them?

I can tell you men do tend to assume women will change their minds. He might never stop assuming that.

Its not like you have to do anything right now.

Maybe ask him to think about what he really feels for 6 months ...and then talk about it seriously

PARlance · 17-12-2019 2:11pm

OSI wrote: »

Not really fair on him. If he really does want kids, 3 years can make a significant difference between him being able to do so and not.

The suggestion was based on both parties being ok with it, after discussion.

It can be looked at as kicking the can down the road but in this case, with both being in their mid-twenties, I don't think time is as major issue an issue as it could be. They're young, the OP should work through her problems, they're enjoying the relationship as it stands... I think the best course of action would be to have a discussion about a future conversation and enjoy themselves.

If he wants to have kids sooner rather than later then it may not be a runner but I would guess that he would be in the minority of 24-26 year old men looking for that.

tara73 · 17-12-2019 7:56pm

OP, you are very young, mid twenties, you should take your time, enjoy your relationship and not stressing yourself with this.

I speak from my own experience here, I wasn't sure whether I ever wanted kids with, say, 26. Then, with 30-31, and I'm not exaggerating, I was 'hit' with this completely different feeling which I never felt before, the urge of wanting kids. I still think it must be down to hormones, because there was nobody pressuring me, I had no boyfriend then and my closest friends my age didn't had any kids either.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, maybe your feelings will stay not wanting kids but just showing you the possibility that stances can change with time and age.

Is there options I'm missing?

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