Friendship Dead and IDK Why

LegacyUser

I am an adult and cannot believe I am dealing with this none the less I am here. A friend from work has been very off with me the past 2 months, to the point where she is now just straight up ignoring my messages. I don't overly bombard her with messages if thats what people think, in fact we rarely messaged unless we were making active plans for something. I am trying to think back to something I could have done to offend her and I dont know, if anything she did something which she knows saddened me. A mutual friend has invited me out twice, once I was away and could go, the other time I went, it involved prinking in said friends house (and at this point she had become distant but wasn't straight up ignoring me). When I sat beside her she moved seats, she took photos with everyone there bar me (shes normally a little obsessive about taking photos on nights out-shes not on social media but she likes us to put up photos of her). I didn't take much from her being distant and not mentioning nights out, I was a little suspicious she was upset with me up until that point, but when she moved seats I knew something was up. So I messaged her a week later (she is currently out of work due to a small injury) asking how her injury was holding up-I could see that she seen the message some time later but never responded. I messaged her again the following day with a message along the lines of hello are you alive? Still no reply even tho I could see she was online at the time I sent it and had read the message. Finally I messaged her a few hours after that (once again she was online) with a jokey message (smilies included) along the lines so should I be worried or are you ignoring me? She switched off being online straight away but checked the message a few minutes afterwards. That was nearly a week ago.

Now we are adults and I get the message-she just doesn't want to be friends anymore, but the suddenness of it all (we were at least chatting and hanging out before, this sudden no contact thing/moving seats/not talking to me when I'm in the room is new). I can'y ask her what it is I've supposedly done cause she's just ignoring me, so I should probably just accept it and move on. But IDK, I feel like our friendship is worth salvaging-IDK what bought on this sudden no contact/ignoring me thing-I'd like to at least know what it is I've done wrong. I know youre all going to tell me to just move past it, but is there some other angle I can take from this, give our friendship a bit of hope?

wiggle16

Confront her.

People can grow apart and friendships can fade, but if a person feels the need to end a friendship then it's unfair on the other person to simply fall off the face of the Earth.

In any case she doesn't sound much like a friend worth having - whether or not this is some big misunderstanding she should have the decency to say it to you.

If it were me I would not make it easy for her, and I'd confront her and ask her what has happened. I dont hold out much hope for the friendship but I'd want to know why she's acting like this.

whiskeyman

I wouldn't bother confronting anyone who did this.
She clearly has no respect for you.
I wouldn't waste a second of my life with such childish carry on.
If you confront it, you may get a heap of made up nonsense to mess your head.
Simply ignore and enjoy your life.
The quicker these sort of people are out of your life the better. I've realised this as I've got older!

Kidchameleon

Dont let bullies like that have any effect on you. Ignore it (easier said than done I know...) if you resist long enough I find they start trying to chase you (saying things like "everything OK?" etc) at which point you tell them to f*ck off

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I do get the wisdom of walk away and don't waste a second thinking on it, life is too short etc.

However, you work together, you have mutual friends, might be worth talking about it, especially if it was a good friendship. I'm guessing it's out of character for her to do this? You say she did something that saddened you, do you think this could be a reaction to her guilt from that? Was there anything in how that situation played out that could be factoring in here, e.g. did you call her out on that and she doesn't like being called out or thought she'd done nothing wrong and you were being unfair? I'm not excusing her passive aggressive and frankly childish behaviour towards you or anything but I can imagine how frustrating it would be to have no clue what, if anything, you've done.

Is there any possibility that someone might have been stirring sh1t or lying about you? The stuff you're describing really seems like someone who has a grievance rather than just feelings that have run their course.

Her not answering texts is really fcuking annoying tbh though and it makes things tricky. Trying to get her face to face will be a hassle and you don't want to bring this stuff into work obviously.

LegacyUser

OP, a true friend simply wouldn't treat you in such a terrible manner. This woman is sending you a pretty clear signal about the sort of person she really is and the level of respect she has for you. All you have to do now is believe her and act accordingly by moving on.

zoobizoo

Did anything happen at work that could have caused her change in behaviour?

You getting a raise, promotion, new friends, a fella more interested in you than her?

lozenges

Similar thing happened to me, girl I was very close friends with all through college stopped speaking to me 2 weeks before we graduated. Haven't spoken to her in 6 years, don't regret it a bit. She had done it before but I had always apologised without knowing what for.

I find the 'silent treatment is an extremely childish and passive- aggressive way to behave. I have zero time for adults who engage in it. If someone has an issue, the adult way to deal with it is to acknowledge it directly.

Sardonicat

zoobizoo wrote: »

Did anything happen at work that could have caused her change in behaviour?

You getting a raise, promotion, new friends, a fella more interested in you than her?

I'd wager your answer lies here, OP. You are being 'punished" for being better than she is in some way. Cut her loose. She's no friend at all.

MissShihTzu

Ananomouse wrote: »

OP, a true friend simply wouldn't treat you in such a terrible manner. This woman is sending you a pretty clear signal about the sort of person she really is and the level of respect she has for you. All you have to do now is believe her and act accordingly by moving on.

Exactly this. When someone tells you who they are? Believe them. Park this 'friend' up and move on. You deserve much better.

Batgurl

The best way to “salvage” this relationship is to do what car dealers do and trade it in for pieces of scrap.

Piece 1) Learn how to cope with loss in a dignified way.

Piece 2) Learn how to be civil to someone you work with that you don’t particularly like any more.

Piece 3) Learn to be more guarded with your emotions.

If you can master these 3 things from this experience, you’ve “salvaged” as much as you can from this. Speaking as someone who has been through almost this exact same scenario.

Calypso Realm

I know my first instinct would be to walk away and leave all her nonsense behind, given her very passive-aggressive way of ignoring you but you do have to work together. So I'm also wondering if this could possibly be down to some misunderstanding or other? So yes, I would confront her! You deserve to know what all this is about!

I read somewhere that a lot of relationships end because of misunderstandings or miscommunications and personally I've found this to be true in some instances I managed to follow up. Not that people stopped talking to me or ignored me but I sensed I sensed something was wrong, so broached the subject.

After that I wouldn't bother much with her though!

ILoveYourVibes

It could be nothing to do with you and she is going through personal issues. Or a family member has issues. You don't know.

LegacyUser

OP here-so I found out sort of the reason why said friend is ignoring me from a mutual friend. I said earlier how my friend had met me down. When she let me down she let me down hugely and came up with a real pathetic wishy wash excuse for her actions (it wasn't even a reason, it was the equivalent of not going to a party cause you're washing your hair sort of excuse). She had to really go out of her way to let me down in the way she did. I told her it saddened me and asked if there was anyway possible she could support me in the thing could she try to possible make it work. Apparently she was "threatened" by this.

She did a sh1tty thing and came out of it looking really sh1tty and I think this whole thing is tying to come out of this situation not looking like the bad guy; I told her that her actions hurt me, and somehow that was me threatening her. She consistently lets me down in these sort of situations but this was something she knew about months in advance, she knew it was huge deal and it was inappropriate for her to let me down the way she did. She has a history of letting me down, giving excuses, which often turn out to be lies, but are justifiable, and I let them slide, but this was something which cut a bit deeper than normal-she knew this, but her excuse was clearly made up on the spot when she said it. I know her personality and I know why she did what she did-I like my friend but it was purely a 100% selfish reason she let me down in the way she did. When she has done these things in the past I normally have let it slide, and tbh other than asking her if she could possibly make it work could she, I let this slide too. I should have seen it coming-disappointed but not surprised sort of situation. However her letting me down is not the issue.

I was surprised she didn't apologise afterwards to me about the whole thing above but I don't hold grudges and as I said, I let it slide. Now it turns out this is the reason she hasn't spoken to me in nearly 2 months; she did something which should have annoyed me/gave me an excuse to give her the silent treatment, she turned around and tried to make herself a victim. All I did was tell her that her actions saddened me and she has completely turned that around on its head playing victim. She did a crap thing and can't own up to her actions so shes playing the victim. That's the kind of stuff you're supposed to leave behind when you're 16. I am not going chasing someone apologising for something where she was out of line. I was sad about the possibility of our friendship dying but when I found out THAT was the reason why, it made me realise shes full of sh1t-and I do not say that lightly, I normally don't use language like that but tbh, its BS. Nope. Not dealing with that crap. I was a drama free kid/teen when I was in school, I most certainly don't need that stuff now that I'm an adult. I don't need that sort of negativity and mind games in my life. Even if she did genuinely feel "threatened" (which I sincerely doubt, I wasn't angry or furious, I just told her it made me sad) ignoring me, giving me dagger eyes when I'm in the room, moving seats when I am sat beside her, for 2 whole months, rather than just talk to me like an adult is not a rationale approach, and as I said, I don't need mind games.

We don't work in the same department anymore and I did get a promotion ahead of her-it was something which had been on the cards for a long time so that could perhaps being eating into it, I got into a team/program at work which gave me better visibility for said promotion, it was something she desperately wanted but I was not overly pushed about at the time. Now that it has come to fruition perhaps this is also feeding into her actions. My promotion has allowed me to skip a few steps in the promotion chain, and gave me a nice salary increase. She also got a promotion but is a step behind me on the career track, she was very pushy (we both got our promotions around the same time) about wanting to know my salary, she told me what she was earning, trying to get me to reveal what I earn, and it was utter nonsense but she was insistent it was true, she was saying she earns essentially over double what her standard job title salary actually is and would be the equivalent of a senior supervisor or manager salary, she is nowhere near that on the job progression ladder, shes in an entry level position. So I can only assume her carer status/salary is something she feels inadequate about, inadequate enough to make up completely nonsensical fibs anyways, I guess shes just an insecure person and would like to be perceived by the outside world in a certain manner; even if that does mean loosing a few friends along the way.

MissShihTzu

OPBack wrote: »

I told her it saddened me and asked if there was anyway possible she could support me in the thing could she try to possible make it work. Apparently she was "threatened" by this.

OPBack wrote: »

We don't work in the same department anymore and I did get a promotion ahead of her-it was something which had been on the cards for a long time so that could perhaps being eating into it, I got into a team/program at work which gave me better visibility for said promotion, it was something she desperately wanted but I was not overly pushed about at the time. .

BAM!! There it is...Like I said earlier. Park her up and stay in your lane, OP. You don't need her. And your 'friend' knows it.

Daisy78

zoobizoo wrote: »

Did anything happen at work that could have caused her change in behaviour?

You getting a raise, promotion, new friends, a fella more interested in you than her?

Something along these lines has occurred, her sudden ending of the friendship has been triggered by something. Would it be worth asking any of your mutual friends what they know? I’m guessing she has expressed her feelings on the matter to some of them? To be honest you might never know what is the root cause, it’s hurtful and deeply frustrating. But unfortunately this kind of thing is more common than you think. I’d cool the contact for a while, gather your thoughts. If she doesn’t make contact then it might be worth sending her one final email, tell her that you are upset this has happened and to lose the friendship but that it’s her call.

Batgurl

OP did you post about this before?

Something about a talent concert and a driving lesson?