Never showing up

Hjafi

I pretty much know the process to improve my life but when it comes time for actually going out and doing stuff I really start to dread it and eventually cancel.

* I know that a good way to meet new people is to go to classes or meet-ups and I have booked them but like half an hour before I’m supposed to leave I just decide I’m not going and usually end up sitting at home wasting several hours watching YouTube or browsing online.
* Same thing happens with after work drinks have every intention of going but when it comes time to go I’m like sorry I can’t go tonight.
* I talk to girls Tinder for a while and arrange a meeting then cancel at last minute or don’t bother showing up.
* I have gone for an eye test or the dentist in years because I book them online and constantly reschedule them.
* I’ve burned bridges with several recruitment agencies and companies from no shows on interview day.

When I cancel or don’t show up I feel revealed but usually end up doing nothing. When I have deal with the fallout from the cancellation or no show the next day I feel guilty and have massive regret and get really annoyed at myself for not just going.

I’d like some advice on a way to either force or trick myself into not canceling my plans or not showing up at the last second.

optogirl

hi OP - it sounds like you may have anxiety issues - have you read up on this or considered some counselling or therapy to help you deal with this?

pwurple

I think we all procrastinate a little bit, put off the jobs we don't want to do. I try and follow the Eat the Frog method, where whatever I don't want to do, I get it over with first thing in the morning. So for exercise etc, I book 7am class and then it's done.
https://blog.noisli.com/what-it-means-to-eat-the-frog/. Maybe it would help you to try that , book your appointments for early in the day, so you just get them over with.

However, that is chronic procrastination. You sound completely crippled with it. If you can't solve any of that short term, seek professional help.

ChrissieH

Hi OP,

Definitely sounds like you have quite intense anxiety around social situations / interactions.
I would think CBT would help you to overcome the behavioural aspects; like pwurple said, a kind of "feel the fear and do it anyway" approach.
It would push you to challenge your anxiety by making you do something, even though you don't want to (the idea being that changing your behaviour will eventually change your thoughts, because you'll have proven to yourself that you did x, y or z, and there was no repercussions etc.)
But obviously that would require committing to actually starting something new, which seems to be the problem in the first place!

Only you can solve this. It's like addiction, isn't it ... the desire to change has to come from you, and until you change, the behaviour / addiction will just deepen and deepen, making it harder and harder to change. A vicious circle, if there ever was one.

I would say that if you are committed to changing your ways, start out with very small challenges; arrange to do something that you are not totally and utterly opposed to, and when the time comes, promise to yourself that you'll at least go outside your front door and make your way to wherever it is you're supposed to go, and even if you only get to the end of your road the first time before deciding to turn back, then that's a little bit more than what you're currently doing. Any progress is good!
There's no point in saying "right this is it, once January comes, I'm going to go to evening classes every Tuesday, go to the gym every second day and go meet the lads every Saturday night" - that's not going to happen and you'll permeate the cycle of making plans and not seeing them through and feeling guilty, and burying yourself in YouTube to distract from everything.
So just quietly, in your own time, set very small challenges for yourself and mark things off on a calendar or something so that you're charting and looking at your progress.

ManOfMystery

I went through a rough patch in my mid 20s (breakup, work issues, and more - all at once) where I developed a similar anxiety to yourself OP. I would arrange things or agree to attend things with the best will in the world, but 5 mins before I would just decide not to follow through.

I started to get annoyed at myself and thought deeply about why I was doing it. And I came to the conclusion that it was because I felt 'safer' by not putting myself out there - for dates, nights out, job interviews, etc. After my breakup and the other issues I'd developed this subconscious fear of rejection or of letting myself down, and the nerves always got the better of me just before these situations occurred - so I took the easier and safer option of just staying home and doing very little, but convincing myself I could have a relaxing and enjoyable evening browsing Youtube or playing video games on my own. On the surface, I didn't feel nervous or anxious as such, but I knew I was fooling myself.

I didn't go to counselling or anything like that but tried to work on it myself. I trained myself to recognise these two little voices sitting on my shoulders - one whispering in one ear "Stay home", and the other whispering to me to get out there and do things. One of these voices was trying to hold me back in life, and the other was willing me to succeed. And I started to listen to the one that wanted me to succeed and shut the other out.

A couple of web-based self-help videos were useful too. They focused on the different types of people in life - those who do, and those who don't - and how successful people tend to be the ones that do, that face fears and take risks and put themselves out there.

antix80

Maybe consider how you'd feel if people kept flaking on you and letting you down.

zapper55

antix80 wrote: »

Maybe consider how you'd feel if people kept flaking on you and letting you down.

Making the OP feel bad doesnt help them or help what appears to be a deep seated anxiety.

ChrissieH's advice is spot on.

OP you've recognised you have to do something about this, that's a big step. Best of luck with it.