Boyfriend's online status

LegacyUser

I've been having some trust issues with my boyfriend. We are together a few months and he has told a few white lies, nothing harmful, but enough to make me start to wonder can I trust him to be honest with me. I shared my concerns and he assured me I can trust him, he cares a lot about me and he'll make a huge effort to prove it.

His Whatsapp online status is always off. But lately, he has now changed his Instagram and Facebook Messenger statuses off too, so I can't see when he's online at all. This is making me feel very paranoid - but I can't tell if I'm completely overreacting? Why would he turn these off suddenly like this? Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

pwurple

Yes, you are completely overreacting.

You are not entitled to track your boyfriends every online movement. Or anyone's for that matter.

ElizaBennett

It may be true that you are 'not entitled ' to track him but the question remains why would he change his settings to make his actions less transparent. I would find it very odd if my partner did this unless he explained why to me. Has he any reason to want to be secretive do you know?

ManOfMystery

I turned most of my statuses off because work colleagues (and the odd superior) have me in friends list and I don't want it looking like I'm online all day.

I also don't want the distraction of notifications all day.

There could be a perfectly simple explanation like that. Why does it matter if you see if he's online or not?

bluelamp

He could just be someone who values his privacy.

I have my whatsapp last online / message read ticks turned off - it also means I cant see anyone elses, and that doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I honestly wouldn't notice if my OH turned off WhatsApp / messenger last online etc.

It's not anyone's business when I'm online or if I read their message etc - if I want to reply I'll reply. If I'm busy I'm busy.

Wanderer78

The world of social media really is a mess, what have we created!

bluelamp

ElizaBennett wrote: »

It may be true that you are 'not entitled ' to track him but the question remains why would he change his settings to make his actions less transparent. I would find it very odd if my partner did this unless he explained why to me. Has he any reason to want to be secretive do you know?

Maybe his reason for being secretive, is that he feels its nobody's business, including his girlfriends, to know when he has read a message / is online.

I would have zero time for someone who had an issue with this.

Bunny Colvin

I think you're hugely overreacting. I have mine turned off because of work. Just because you can't see if he's online doesn't mean he's doing anything suspicious. My advice would be to relax and let it go.

Mortelaro

ElizaBennett wrote: »

It may be true that you are 'not entitled ' to track him but the question remains why would he change his settings to make his actions less transparent. I would find it very odd if my partner did this unless he explained why to me. Has he any reason to want to be secretive do you know?

Gosh its attitudes like this that make me long for the good old 1980s
My status is also off
Worrying about green lights on message apps is the daftest most insecure thing ever
OP my advice is to relax and put the phone down
Get stuck into a good book instead
I enjoyed The Testaments by Margaret Atwood recently,its an engaging easy read but will sail your mind off into a zone well away from worrying about something trivial like what your BF is up to
Boys don't like that

neonsofa

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I turned most of my statuses off because work colleagues (and the odd superior) have me in friends list and I don't want it looking like I'm online all day.

I also don't want the distraction of notifications all day.

There could be a perfectly simple explanation like that. Why does it matter if you see if he's online or not?

Username checks out!

Same for me though. Hate people seeing when im online, especially colleagues etc. People also get a bit offended if you don't respond immediately if you happen to be online, so it takes away the "why didnt you respond to me when you went online at 12.54am?".

Plumbthedepths

So being in a relationship now demands that one gives up all sense of privacy? What's next a brain implant to allow ones partner to know ones thoughts 24/7. I'm with my partner nearly 30 years, I don't want to know everything she says or does. Sounds toxic to me if you do tbh.

ElizaBennett

That's all fine, people. And many of us prefer to be private but what if someone changes their behaviour? That's the point you're all missing. If he was always private with his settings then fine. But he has changed a habit. If I decided to make this change for a valid reason I would communicate that to friends and partner so they'd know why and alter their expectations. I think that makes sense. Maybe it's because I know my bf might wonder if I suddenly started doing things differently.

neonsofa

ElizaBennett wrote: »

That's all fine, people. And many of us prefer to be private but what if someone changes their behaviour? That's the point you're all missing. If he was always private with his settings then fine. But he has changed a habit. If I decided to make this change for a valid reason I would communicate that to friends and partner so they'd know why and alter their expectations. I think that makes sense. Maybe it's because I know my bf might wonder if I suddenly started doing things differently.

I didnt announce to anybody when i changed mine. Gave no explanation, just changed my settings and got on with it. Nobody even noticed, or if they did they didnt say anything to me.

bluelamp

ElizaBennett wrote: »

That's all fine, people. And many of us prefer to be private but what if someone changes their behaviour? That's the point you're all missing. If he was always private with his settings then fine. But he has changed a habit. If I decided to make this change for a valid reason I would communicate that to friends and partner so they'd know why and alter their expectations. I think that makes sense. Maybe it's because I know my bf might wonder if I suddenly started doing things differently.

He probably changed it because she was admittedly looking at when he was last online and when he read messages etc.

I would genuinely end it would someone if they took issue with when I was online / read a message, or expecting me to reply within a certain time frame.

bitofabind

I've got mine off because I don't want the pressure of having to instantly respond to people on whatsapp / messenger / whatever when I don't have time or have bigger priorities to deal with.

Is there a chance his behaviour has been triggered by your insecurities OP? I mean you clearly don't trust him, have you been pulling him up on his slow response after he's read a message from you, etc? I'd say that'd be a strong reason to switch off his online visibility tbh.

Mortelaro

The OP is with her BF only a few months
She'll have no idea how often he set his account to private or what's normal practice with him on that

qwerty13

I’ve set social media so that people can’t see my online status. Some of that is because of work colleagues, who seem to think that if you’re online on social media, it’s ok to contact you with a ‘quick question’ about work. Another part is that I know a couple of people who will pounce if I’m online and haven’t replied to a text, and will call me if they see me online, because (in their words) then they know that I’m free.

I would not be impressed by a relatively new person I’m seeing quizzing me on that. I’d see that as an intrusion, and a bit potentially controlling.

tara73

ElizaBennett wrote: »

That's all fine, people. And many of us prefer to be private but what if someone changes their behaviour?

that's whataboutery, the OP didn't say in her post he did change behaviour.


OP, you should work on your self esteem, you seem to be pretty insecure if things like this bother you so much to open a thread here.
I don't condemn you because I presume you are quiete young and grew up with this apps. but it's really unhealthy to be so dependent and fixated on these things and it actually destroys relationships.

Can only echo a post above, why not putting that phone away for a few hours per day and concentrate on something else, like reading a book, go for a walk or do some other relaxing stuff you enjoy. It seems trivial but I think it's the only way to go.
Just forget about the bl*** thing and whether he's online or not. You are only together with him a short time, concentrate on how he behaves when you spend time together.

cj maxx

Thanks OP. I've turned so ff all my online status stuff. I don't want characters like you watching my online habits

PARlance

ElizaBennett wrote: »

That's all fine, people. And many of us prefer to be private but what if someone changes their behaviour? That's the point you're all missing. If he was always private with his settings then fine. But he has changed a habit. If I decided to make this change for a valid reason I would communicate that to friends and partner so they'd know why and alter their expectations. I think that makes sense. Maybe it's because I know my bf might wonder if I suddenly started doing things differently.

My own thought is that it's not that he wants to be less transparent... it's probably because he wants less communication from his new GF.

Now, he could have had a chat to her about it if he feels smothered but she would probably go from worriedgf to ohmygodwhatwillIdonowhedoesntwanttotalktomedoeshehatemegf.

ElizaBennett

tara73 wrote: »

that's whataboutery, the OP didn't say in her post he did change behaviour.


OP, you should work on your self esteem, you seem to be pretty insecure if things like this bother you so much to open a thread here.
I don't condemn you because I presume you are quiete young and grew up with this apps. but it's really unhealthy to be so dependent and fixated on these things and it actually destroys relationships.

Can only echo a post above, why not putting that phone away for a few hours per day and concentrate on something else, like reading a book, go for a walk or do some other relaxing stuff you enjoy. It seems trivial but I think it's the only way to go.
Just forget about the bl*** thing and whether he's online or not. You are only together with him a short time, concentrate on how he behaves when you spend time together.

Read OP's original post. Yes he HAS changed his behaviour. It says so right there!

Mortelaro

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Read OP's original post. Yes he HAS changed his behaviour. It says so right there!

In the month or 2 she's known him..
He may have changed it back and forth many times prior
Honestly the insecurity is palpable
Ironically it's that what might break them up
Hope the OP has relaxed and seen what we are saying

LegacyUser

ElizaBennett wrote: »

That's all fine, people. And many of us prefer to be private but what if someone changes their behaviour? .

They've only been going out a few months so we don't actually know he has changed his behaviour, maybe he usually has them set private but changed phones or updated the app and it changed it and he only just noticed? Why must the first answered people jump to always been something sinister?

Heres Johnny

I changed my blue tick seen status a while ago as someone in work was texting me work stuff on weekend evenings and had the gall to tell me on Monday I never responded and they know I saw it, so that's gone now. It was at 10 on saturday night and I was locked that's why I didn't respond. And I'm in no way cheating, so there ya go, there can be a reason for it.
I still have the last seen online time showing but my girlfriend actually doesn't she changed it for work reasons too (or so she tells me)

ILoveYourVibes

worriedgf wrote: »

I've been having some trust issues with my boyfriend. We are together a few months and he has told a few white lies, nothing harmful, but enough to make me start to wonder can I trust him to be honest with me. I shared my concerns and he assured me I can trust him, he cares a lot about me and he'll make a huge effort to prove it.

His Whatsapp online status is always off. But lately, he has now changed his Instagram and Facebook Messenger statuses off too, so I can't see when he's online at all. This is making me feel very paranoid - but I can't tell if I'm completely overreacting? Why would he turn these off suddenly like this? Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

maybe its not for you but other people so he doesnt look rude if he doesnt get back to them in time

Lux23

Switch yours off as well. I have all of these things switched off, why should anyone know this stuff about me?

idnkph

Seems like he has changed it because someone is becoming over bearing that's fairly new to his life...
You need to look at yourself OP. Go get help for your insecurity issues. We are only getting one tiny piece of this story.
I bet you are the type to check his phone etc. Ask him every 5 minutes what he is doing/ who are you with.
He probably told you a few weeks lies because you caused grief with him about something tiny so he lies to protect himself from immature sh1te and drama that is say you have caused.
Do him a favour and dump him.