Tips on how to detach?

LegacyUser

I wanted to ask if anyone has any tips on how to detach when a friend consistently overloads their worries on you?

I have a friend who I have distanced myself from recently. I find she has a new drama in her life weekly sometimes daily and she rings or texts me ranting about the latest. I am finding it increasingly difficult to handle this after a year and a half. I have spoken to her about it previously and she might tone down for a week or two, but then it just goes right back the way it was when a new drama occurs.

I've been through a lot of trauma in my life and she is aware of it all. So when she comes to me with what I consider minor issues due to her usual sensitive overreactions, I just cannot muster the will power to care about her problems. I have plenty of my own that I worry about. She can honestly speak for an hour straight barely taking a breath and it's mentally exhausting to listen to.

One occasion when she rang me 11 times in one day because she was nervous about going on a date, I just lost it. I waited til the next day and I spoke to her about it. I told her she needed to try calm herself more, because I had endured 11 calls of her just roaring down the phone at me. Over a date. So after this chat all was okay, until she randomly stopped talking to me for 5 months. It was peaceful I won't lie. Then she came back all apologies and in the months since its the same merry go round. I feel drained and stressed all the time over her. I've distanced myself a lot the last few weeks but i feel like I'm going to have to say something to her.

My original question was whether I can learn tips to detach. But is it even worth the trouble. She has a heart of gold, I don't think she's a bad person, but I don't want this carry on in 2020. I've suggested counselling / CBT to her before but she dismisses it like I'm accusing her of being mentally unwell. Which I find offensive because I've availed of such things and find it worked wonders for me! I would love advice because this is making me feel like I'm a bad friend.

Scarinae

Do you actually get anything from this friendship? Do you have fun when you're together? Do you feel like the friendship goes both ways? I know you said she isn't a bad person, but do you actually like her anymore?

Honestly unless there was a reason you need to see her regularly, like you have a lot of mutual friends or you work together, I would say distance yourself and spend more time with people who bring something positive to your life rather than being an emotional drain.

A2LUE42

In your example, why did you answer the phone 11 times? That is just enabling them. Don't answer, wait a while, send a text saying you had a missed call, is all ok, that you can't talk at that time. People like that won't change, so you have to. As other poster said, what do you get from the friendship?

HildaOgdenx

Drains and radiators. If someone is a drain, and only a drain, (eleven phone calls :eek:) you need to step back.

Had someone like that in my life, many good qualities, but seriously draining. She ghosted me, then reappeared some years later, full of the joys...expecting things to take up as before.

No, I had to step away, and recognise that I was hurt by her behaviour. I had stuck by her through thick and thin, and I learned a hard lesson from that experience.

Turn off your phone when it suits you to do so, block her, if needs be, whatever it takes.

You need to look out for your own health and peace of mind.

afterglow

Hi OP
I echo what has been said above. she is an emotional/energy vampire. I would block her, and then, as a celebration of self-care, because that's what this is, buy your favourite chocolate, and drink, doesn't need to be alcohol, but can be, have a nice shower/bubble bath, and do something you enjoy for an evening whatever that is.
I have just had the courage to block someone like this, myself, recently, thanks to some advice here, be warned, you may feel, as well as relief, as if you've lost something. For me, this was temporary, and you are doing the right thing for yourself
Best of luck and hope you can do this, sometimes, we have to make a decision that we wouldn't ordinarily, to protect ourselves in the long run, and this, I'm learning, is ok

Febreeze

I had a friend like that. I just simply stopped replying to her messages and calls. She got the hint and moved onto loading her problems onto another friend. Life has actually been peaceful without her unnecessary drama. I can deal with my own stuff and not have said friend in my ear.

Sounds absolutely horrible to do but sometimes you have to just say "f))k this" and do what you need to do. You've already spoken to friend, she won't get the hint. Do what she did to you, and ignore her. She'll find someone else to annoy

Calypso Realm

I think we've all know someone like this. I most certainly have! I'm not surprised you're feeling drained and stressed.

People like this are remarkably self-absorbed and unself-aware to the extent they are completely oblivious to the impact their actions have on other people. They also appear to thrive on the drama that they themselves, very often have created. However, in your case you spelled it out and she carried on regardless. Not good.

I dp agree though that you'e essentially colluding in all this by answering her calls and listening to her. Stop being so available to her. Since you've started the process, just keep it up!

In my case, i just stopped answering the calls. I couldn't take any more of the endless rants about what a terrible day/week she'd had, what an awful individual X was etc. I couldn't believe how vicious she was about the people she was complaining about. Honestly, if I'd mentioned I just fallen down the stairs and broken a leg, I don't think she'd have heard me!

Interestingly enough though, when the shoe was on the other foot, she was somehow very unavailable herself! Something else I've noticed about folk like this......

bitofabind

Some blunt facts may help. She's not a friend and she doesn't care about you in the slightest. You said yourself, she's well aware of the trauma you've been through and yet rants away about trivial shyte to you and disappeared for months when it no longer suited her to have you around.

That is not a friend. That's a self-absorbed drama queen with no boundaries who's just looking for a receptacle for her boring rants. Would she be there if you needed a friend to rely on? Fcuk no she wouldn't.

So try to think of it less as "de-friending" someone and more like practising some self care and creating boundaries for yourself. Don't answer the phone to her. Ever. Don't respond to her texts unless you actually really want to, and don't do it regularly because that's when she'll use and abuse. Maintain enough distance for her to not see you as always available and move on with your life.

StinkyMunkey

I know the type, this person literally has no concept of the fact you have no interest in drama.

Nothing you say or do can stop this type of person carrying on in this fashion if you remain available to them.

If you want this assault on your senses to stop you have to step away for good. Don't worry how this person will take it, they will just move onto their next victim, with you no doubt being the subject of her new drama.

This type of person is a literal vampire, but instead of blood they suck on your soul.

Here's a good tip for making her back off - next time she contacts you to drain your soul and she kicks off, ask her to tell you something positive. When she ignores that, tell her your not equipped to deal with her "problems", that she needs to seek professional help. Soul Vampires despise being asked to say something positive and they are not interested in professional help, they are looking for a victim.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Very grateful for all the replies from everyone. I do agree that I have enabled this to some extent, and I am annoyed at myself for allowing this to carry on. This thread has really opened my eyes that this is common! This woman has no other friends, she's fallen out with everyone and then latched onto me randomly out of the blue. At the time I had no idea about all these dramas she created, it only became apparent over time. We haven't spoken in a few days now and the peace is unreal. I cannot ignore what she does to my energy so I'm cutting her off now. The responses here have given me that boost I needed, to see that I'm not being a bad person.

Thanks so much everyone for the advice. Can always rely on fellow Boardsies!

Calypso Realm

StinkyMunkey wrote: »

If you want this assault on your senses to stop you have to step away for good. Don't worry how this person will take it, they will just move onto their next victim, with you no doubt being the subject of her new drama. .

Actually this is an excellent way of describing it as this is what, in reality, it actually feels like to be on the receiving end of someone like this!

Reminds me of when I reconnected with an old uni-friend, who'd invited me to her new place for the weekend. We were never that close but she was part of our group that hung around together. Back then a bit of an inferiority complex, a bit needy, not a lot of sense but altogether a good, cheerful, helpful person with a great sense of humour! We met up a few times before but it struck me on our first meeting how little she'd changed (ie matured!) at a time when most folk do! She'd recently separated from her husband who I'd only met him a few times ages ago.

Anyway, the entire time away, including the journey there, I was bombarded with an incessant stream of disjointed sentences all about the separation. Literally the whole weekend she never once stopped! basically I heard the same thing over and over again. All efforts to change the subject were ignored. To make matters worse and while I'm no expert in family law, a lot of what she said didn't make any sense! It was all so hard to follow. When I asked for clarification on simple things (eg when she mentioned how much she had to put up with in the marriage and I asked what he'd been doing) she just looked at me blankly or at other times, I got the answer.....seven sentences later!! I had such a headache and was completely exhaused! Next day she commented om how she couldn't understand why I was so tired, since we hadn't been doing anything much! Jeez. Absolutely no self-awareness at all. She'd talked AT me, rather than TO me the whole time. Never noticed how uncomfortable I was.....I should also mention this woman was not all sad and depressed about the break-up, she was actually firing on all cylinders about the events that happened since but appeared to me, at least to enjoy the pay-offs of being the victim in all of it. Something else that added to how difficult it was to listen to whole debacle. She was so passive about it all.

I was so glad when we drove back and I literally couldn't wait to get away from her. Altogether a terrible experience, never to be repeated. When OH collected me he wondered if I was unwell, as apparently I looked awful! :eek:

Initially, I had felt a bit sorry for her but in the end this never-ending tirade change my entire attitude!

ILoveYourVibes

Is it worth it wrote: »

I wanted to ask if anyone has any tips on how to detach when a friend consistently overloads their worries on you?

I have a friend who I have distanced myself from recently. I find she has a new drama in her life weekly sometimes daily and she rings or texts me ranting about the latest. I am finding it increasingly difficult to handle this after a year and a half. I have spoken to her about it previously and she might tone down for a week or two, but then it just goes right back the way it was when a new drama occurs.

I've been through a lot of trauma in my life and she is aware of it all. So when she comes to me with what I consider minor issues due to her usual sensitive overreactions, I just cannot muster the will power to care about her problems. I have plenty of my own that I worry about. She can honestly speak for an hour straight barely taking a breath and it's mentally exhausting to listen to.

One occasion when she rang me 11 times in one day because she was nervous about going on a date, I just lost it. I waited til the next day and I spoke to her about it. I told her she needed to try calm herself more, because I had endured 11 calls of her just roaring down the phone at me. Over a date. So after this chat all was okay, until she randomly stopped talking to me for 5 months. It was peaceful I won't lie. Then she came back all apologies and in the months since its the same merry go round. I feel drained and stressed all the time over her. I've distanced myself a lot the last few weeks but i feel like I'm going to have to say something to her.

My original question was whether I can learn tips to detach. But is it even worth the trouble. She has a heart of gold, I don't think she's a bad person, but I don't want this carry on in 2020. I've suggested counselling / CBT to her before but she dismisses it like I'm accusing her of being mentally unwell. Which I find offensive because I've availed of such things and find it worked wonders for me! I would love advice because this is making me feel like I'm a bad friend.

let her go?