is it all in my head?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone
somewhat regular poster, going anon, because I feel kind of silly posting this.

Background, I'm female, in my 30's and came out, to those who matter, about this time last year, but haven't had a lesbian relationship yet.

I am disabled, and from time-to-time, hang out on teamtalk servers, some people have them, and just by being on someone's server, you'll get invited to another etc
Few months ago, this guy, gives me his server details, and one night, sends me a message, saying to come on, one of his friends is on, he'd like to introduce us. So, I go on and we hit it off straight away, connection and spark, definitely there
We swapped numbers, and texted all that weekend, lots of very intimate texts, great ' fun ' was had by us both
After this, we continued talking, found out we have a bunch in common, lots of the same interests etc
I've kind of pulled away little bits before, because the connection was so intense, that I've wished it could be more, that it could develop into more. Yesterday was a particularly intense texting day. Lots of really nice texts, and I really felt we connected, and she even opened up a little, I actually feel like she let me in a bit.
But then later on, I mentioned about wanting to be in a relationship, and she just said, she's enjoying being on her own, and isn't looking for anyone right now. That she likes the freedom of being single.
I don't understand, why text all this stuff back and forth, and acknowledge that there is a connection, which she does, only then to say, it is what it is, but it can't go any further?
I should add, up to this point, because of distance, she lives in south Africa, we've never met, and I don't know if we ever will, because of her circumstances. My question is, how do I snap out of this? the connection is insane, and I know it's her, and not just a case of anyone will do
thanks in advance if you've got this far, as I know, possibly, this doesn't make very much sense
It just feels like a mind f*** so that's why the thread.

ManOfMystery

Having the most intense connection with a person does not instantly equate = "let's turn this into a long term relationship".

She may feel the connection too, but it may not override her desire to continue enjoying the single life. There could be any number of reasons from her background why she wants to remain single. At least she is being honest and not leading you on that it could develop into anything else.

It sounds like she is enjoying the communication you have at the moment for what it is, a long distance online connection. The geography could very well be a factor for her too in not seeing it going any further than what it is now. I don't think there's much here you can do other than accept what she's saying; whether you choose to continue this then (knowing it can go no further) or stop the conversations, only you can decide.

LegacyUser

Are you sure it isn't just the guy you were talking to? Have you skyped?

SusieBlue

I agree with PP, it sounds like she is being genuine about the connection but the distance is probably a dealbreaker. It would be a dealbreaker for me too so I can see where she's coming from.

Realistically, even if she was looking for something serious, how would you navigate the early days of a relationship from a different continent? I know in rare cases these things can work out like a fairytale, but more often than not, they don't.

She's probably doing you a favour by being up front & honest about where her head is at. There is no confusion or mixed messages now - you can continue to enjoy the amazing connection by being her penpal, or, if that isn't enough for you, call it quits and try to get over her.
The ball is in your court, OP.

skallywag

SusieBlue wrote: »

I agree with PP...

Ha?

I'm guessing you do not mean the Parish Priest?

wiggle16

skallywag wrote: »

Ha?

I'm guessing you do not mean the Parish Priest?

It means Previous Poster.

wiggle16

Notuser18 wrote: »

Are you sure it isn't just the guy you were talking to? Have you skyped?

I'll be honest, I thought this too when I read the OP.

Just to clarify, OP, have you actually skyped or had a video chat with her, or has it all been over text/chat?

Meeting someone in a chatroom or social media and hitting it off is one thing. But I don't think I would ever introduce someone to someone else who they will likely never meet, on account of their being thousands of miles apart. That seems a little strange. Have you ever had a video chat/cam/whatever with her?

bitofabind

You don’t know this person from Adam. Based on the info you’ve given, you don’t even know if she’s who she says she is. She also lives on another continent, in another time zone and you are in your own words, very unlikely to meet. That means this person is not available to be in your life so that’s all there is to say about it really.

Perhaps time to take a look at yourself and the circumstances that have led you to over invest in someone you don’t know at all and who can offer you nothing. A connection over text message is not a real connection at all. It’s someone that’s probably adept at texting and nothing more. Why are you nosediving into something that has no potential?

ILoveYourVibes

I don't think the connection is all in your head.

Lots of people have long distance relationships that turn into something.

You weren't insane to be hopeful for that happening here.

But she has clearly stated that while she likes you she wants to remain single. That's the truth and its probably not going to change.


Its a lot of logistics to over come ..not everyone is up to doing that.

afterglow

Hi all
I'm the OP of this post. Had to log in, because of some weird thing, with my phone, it wouldn't let me post anon, even though it did the other day
Firstly, I appreciate all the responses
We have talked, by facetime audio, I know she's definitely a girl, and not a guy
I tried to tell her that we had to stop talking today, she said, she doesn't want a relationship now, but in a year, who knows? That my texts mean a lot to her, that she can be herself with me, etc
I am just confused.com about the whole thing

ILoveYourVibes

afterglow wrote: »

Hi all
I'm the OP of this post. Had to log in, because of some weird thing, with my phone, it wouldn't let me post anon, even though it did the other day
Firstly, I appreciate all the responses
We have talked, by facetime audio, I know she's definitely a girl, and not a guy
I tried to tell her that we had to stop talking today, she said, she doesn't want a relationship now, but in a year, who knows? That my texts mean a lot to her, that she can be herself with me, etc
I am just confused.com about the whole thing

She is giving you a hook with bait.

I would run. She sounds vampiric.

afterglow

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

She is giving you a hook with bait.

I would run. She sounds vampiric.

She is, or at least, that's what she's said. How did you know that?

LegacyUser

afterglow wrote: »

She is, or at least, that's what she's said. How did you know that?

Oh for god’s sake. What is this absolute nonsense nowadays with all these “oh it’s so intense”, intimate type messages when you don’t even know the person?!! Everything is ratcheted up to 90! Everything OTT. And then the surprise when they get burnt for investing so much in what is fantasy and nothing more.

Cop on, OP. Stop investing so much into an absolute stranger. Aside from everything else, she’s on another continent, doesn’t want a relationship, but wants to keep you on the back burner for her ego.

Tell her you’re not interested, and spend your time looking for someone in the real world who can actually give you what you want.

ncmc

Some people just get off on the chase or the thrill of flirting and have no intention of taking things any further. The fact that you felt an ‘intense connection’ doesn’t mean she felt the same thing. Also, I’m not sure realistically how intense a connection can be when it’s all online/text.

I don’t want this to come across as mean, but I know from your other threads that you have a lot going on with your disability, moving back home, some family issues etc. I think you also mentioned some mental health issues? Why on earth would you get so emotionally involved with someone who lives halfway around the world and who you will likely never meet? I think you need to take some time out for yourself, adjust to your new circumstances and surroundings. In time you’ll meet someone who is emotionally and geographically available!

afterglow

Too much today wrote: »

Oh for god’s sake. What is this absolute nonsense nowadays with all these “oh it’s so intense”, intimate type messages when you don’t even know the person?!! Everything is ratcheted up to 90! Everything OTT. And then the surprise when they get burnt for investing so much in what is fantasy and nothing more.

Cop on, OP. Stop investing so much into an absolute stranger. Aside from everything else, she’s on another continent, doesn’t want a relationship, but wants to keep you on the back burner for her ego.

Tell her you’re not interested, and spend your time looking for someone in the real world who can actually give you what you want.

thanks for your ' helpful ' response

afterglow

ncmc wrote: »

Some people just get off on the chase or the thrill of flirting and have no intention of taking things any further. The fact that you felt an ‘intense connection’ doesn’t mean she felt the same thing. Also, I’m not sure realistically how intense a connection can be when it’s all online/text.

I don’t want this to come across as mean, but I know from your other threads that you have a lot going on with your disability, moving back home, some family issues etc. I think you also mentioned some mental health issues? Why on earth would you get so emotionally involved with someone who lives halfway around the world and who you will likely never meet? I think you need to take some time out for yourself, adjust to your new circumstances and surroundings. In time you’ll meet someone who is emotionally and geographically available!

so because I'm disabled I don't know what is and isn't real, and am incapable of discernment ? wow! People are full of ' support ' today aren't they
Actually after what a pp posted about her being vampiric, because she had said this also, but made it seem like, this was a ' cross ' she had to bear, something she couldn't help, I went did some research, and decided, it was in my best interests to block her, without explaining, so that's what I've done
there's no need to be unkind though, or make stuff about my disability when its nothing to do with that

ncmc

afterglow wrote: »

so because I'm disabled I don't know what is and isn't real, and am incapable of discernment ? wow! People are full of ' support ' today aren't they
Actually after what a pp posted about her being vampiric, because she had said this also, but made it seem like, this was a ' cross ' she had to bear, something she couldn't help, I went did some research, and decided, it was in my best interests to block her, without explaining, so that's what I've done
there's no need to be unkind though, or make stuff about my disability when its nothing to do with that

That is a ridiculous point to take from my post, I did not say or imply that you don't know what is real or not or that your disability has in any way impaired you. If you re-read my thread, I have said that you have a lot upheaval the moment with your worsening disability and your subsequent need to move home. You have made numerous posts on those very issues so you can't expect people to take this thread in a bubble and not take your circumstances and previous threads into account.


What you have going on is a lot for anyone to have to deal with. I was merely suggesting you deal with those issues and get settled at home before getting into 'intense' connections with people the other side of the world.


To clarify, that is in no way a jibe at your disability and my intention certainly wasn't to be unkind but to merely point out that you may not be in the best head space to deal with that sort of person at the moment.

bitofabind

ncmc wrote: »

my intention certainly wasn't to be unkind but to merely point out that you may not be in the best head space to deal with that sort of person at the moment.

I'd agree with this and go one further - sometimes the headspace you're in can lead you into these types of headfcuky situations with people that aren't right for you.

I know nothing of your circumstances or previous threads OP, but am familiar with over-investing in someone who's physically and/or emotionally unavailable for my own personal reasons. When you're in the right mindset this kind of thing doesn't happen, because you see the wood for the trees and think, "ah that's a pity, we seem to get along but they live there and I live here. Oh well." You don't invest all day every day texting them and fantasising about them.

When you're not, this type of person can be escapism or validation or an unhealthy attachment that you need to fill some sort of void in your life. The best solution for this is to actually go about filling that void and getting your emotional needs met without engaging with someone who ultimately just makes you feel worse in the end anyway.

afterglow

ncmc wrote: »

That is a ridiculous point to take from my post, I did not say or imply that you don't know what is real or not or that your disability has in any way impaired you. If you re-read my thread, I have said that you have a lot upheaval the moment with your worsening disability and your subsequent need to move home. You have made numerous posts on those very issues so you can't expect people to take this thread in a bubble and not take your circumstances and previous threads into account.


What you have going on is a lot for anyone to have to deal with. I was merely suggesting you deal with those issues and get settled at home before getting into 'intense' connections with people the other side of the world.


To clarify, that is in no way a jibe at your disability and my intention certainly wasn't to be unkind but to merely point out that you may not be in the best head space to deal with that sort of person at the moment.

well she's blocked now anyway so that's the end of that

JeffKenna

afterglow wrote: »

well she's blocked now anyway so that's the end of that

That's really poor form on the girl. You need to learn how to treat people with a bit of respect.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

bitofabind wrote: »

I'd agree with this and go one further - sometimes the headspace you're in can lead you into these types of headfcuky situations with people that aren't right for you.

I know nothing of your circumstances or previous threads OP, but am familiar with over-investing in someone who's physically and/or emotionally unavailable for my own personal reasons. When you're in the right mindset this kind of thing doesn't happen, because you see the wood for the trees and think, "ah that's a pity, we seem to get along but they live there and I live here. Oh well." You don't invest all day every day texting them and fantasising about them.

When you're not, this type of person can be escapism or validation or an unhealthy attachment that you need to fill some sort of void in your life. The best solution for this is to actually go about filling that void and getting your emotional needs met without engaging with someone who ultimately just makes you feel worse in the end anyway.

I agree with all this and OP I'd also add that the vast majority of gay people I know and literally every last one who came out later in life got crazily over invested in their first romance. Sometimes the object of their affection was a perfectly nice person who got freaked out and pulled away, and sometimes they were headwreck fruitloops like this woman who reacted by leaning in and starting to manipulate and play games. I swear to God I really think there are people who seek out recently out adults on purpose to do this.

Do I have this correct, this was a woman living in South Africa who was saying she loved being single but ye had a great connection and maybe in a year who knows she might be ready for a relationship oh and also she has VAMPIRISM?

Honey. NO. Finding yourself in an emotional situation like that is a big old fcuking fog horn of an alarm that you are not in a good place. I'm glad some sort of self protective instinct kicked in and you blocked her.

How is your living situation going?

afterglow

JeffKenna wrote: »

That's really poor form on the girl. You need to learn how to treat people with a bit of respect.

it is not me who was being distant when it suited, and not when it didn't
As a previous poster said, she was an energy vampire. it probably should have been done a long time before now. I am not a horrible person, quite the opposite. I know people on this forum don't know me, but i am a nice person. Read the earlier posts, and you will see, she has told me before she's an energy vampire, but made it sound like this was just the way it was.

afterglow

Keyla Sour Boss wrote: »

I agree with all this and OP I'd also add that the vast majority of gay people I know and literally every last one who came out later in life got crazily over invested in their first romance. Sometimes the object of their affection was a perfectly nice person who got freaked out and pulled away, and sometimes they were headwreck fruitloops like this woman who reacted by leaning in and starting to manipulate and play games. I swear to God I really think there are people who seek out recently out adults on purpose to do this.

Do I have this correct, this was a woman living in South Africa who was saying she loved being single but ye had a great connection and maybe in a year who knows she might be ready for a relationship oh and also she has VAMPIRISM?

Honey. NO. Finding yourself in an emotional situation like that is a big old fcuking fog horn of an alarm that you are not in a good place. I'm glad some sort of self protective instinct kicked in and you blocked her.

How is your living situation going?

all of what you just said is right She told me she was an energy vampire, and instead of getting out straight away, a few times, like an idiot i tried to help, feeling sorry for her etc, giving my energy. Living situation is ok, so far, got back on Wednesday, discomfort with my back just at the moment, but things are ok at the moment.
Thank you for posting

wiggle16

Keyla Sour Boss wrote: »

I agree with all this and OP I'd also add that the vast majority of gay people I know and literally every last one who came out later in life got crazily over invested in their first romance .

This is spot on in my experience too and it's incredibly common for people who come out later in life. It's something to be mindful of for the next time you do hit it off with someone. You need to remember to take your time, and have fun!