So anxious and scared

afterglow

Hi all
I hope its ok, to post here, twice within a relatively short time after a previous post
Today, marks my final full day in the UK, tomorrow I travel to holyhead and get the boat home on Wednesday morning
I'm so scared and anxious!
All I can think is what's going to happen when I go home, what will I do every day? Not that I have been doing much here lately but still.
the fact I have no life, just keeps coming in waves! I just feel so useless, like I've failed. all I wanted was my independence, i couldn't make employment work, I know that wasn't my fault, but still. Because of all the moves, i lost my beautiful gorgeous guide dog, earlier this year. I get to go see him today because of leaving tomorrow. I can't have a guide dog while I live with my grandparents, which may not be for long, can't have guide dog at my mum's if I do end up back there, because I won't, even technically have a room there.
I just wish there was an eject button I could push.
I'm not of use to anyone, what can I, what do I, contribute? thinking all of this makes me feel so sad also. I don't expect anything here really, i just needed to write it down somewhere. I tried talking to my sister the other day, I was reaching out to see was she ok, and she asked how I was. When I said scared etc, she just said, yeah yeah fear of the unknown, but embrace it and you'll be grand, sort of thing. She also said, i need to ' come back with an open mind '
What this is code for is, I need to not cause any trouble or arguments. In the past, like when I was in hospital earlier this year, herself and my mum united about how irresponsible I was with some of my choices, how I'd lost myself in relationships and let people treat me like cr*p, how I only use the fact we grew up in a violent home when it suits, etc.
I know, I'm lucky to have Ireland, and my family to come back to, but I'm just sad I'll lose my independence, with no idea when I'll get it back, and being in my mum's with my mental health how it is, and their lack of understanding, I just don't know how I'll cope. I know I have nothing left to give anymore, so I am making the right decision, it just doesn't make it any less scary
Thanks if you've gotten this far, I know this probably doesn't make sense, because my head is all over the place

ILoveYourVibes

See it as a new beginning. Your life could go anywhere.

Erase rewind.

Blank slate. Its a blank page ..you can do anything which means you are free.

Every time you feel anxious ..say this 'I am totally free'

I hope you feel better.

corklily05

@afterglow, you might need to to to pieta house when you come home. By all accounts they're meant to be very good. Non judgmental and free of charge. Getting into a good head space will be difficult!

Can i suggest a hobby like hiking/running that dosen't cost a lot and keeps your mind occupied and also gets you out in the fresh air. You'll be surprised how good exercise makes you feel.

It sounds like you have a lot of time to think which isn't good for you. Have you any friends you can get in touch with?

afterglow

corklily05 wrote: »

@afterglow, you might need to to to pieta house when you come home. By all accounts they're meant to be very good. Non judgmental and free of charge. Getting into a good head space will be difficult!

Can i suggest a hobby like hiking/running that dosen't cost a lot and keeps your mind occupied and also gets you out in the fresh air. You'll be surprised how good exercise makes you feel.

It sounds like you have a lot of time to think which isn't good for you. Have you any friends you can get in touch with?

Hi Corklily
I do have friends, but they are friends with my ex, who they hang out with quite a bit, there's an evening happening soon, but I can't go, because its at my ex's place, where he now lives with his new gf. I'm sure I'll see friends at some stage. I'm thinking of taking up an instrument when I get home, having a focus may help
I will try walk/run when I can, but specially the running, on my own is not possible, because I have no vision, but certainly possible to find people to run with. So not completely impossible at all

ILoveYourVibes

afterglow wrote: »

Hi Corklily
I do have friends, but they are friends with my ex, who they hang out with quite a bit, there's an evening happening soon, but I can't go, because its at my ex's place, where he now lives with his new gf. I'm sure I'll see friends at some stage. I'm thinking of taking up an instrument when I get home, having a focus may help
I will try walk/run when I can, but specially the running, on my own is not possible, because I have no vision, but certainly possible to find people to run with. So not completely impossible at all

Maybe contact sports vision Ireland they help people who are visually impaired to take part in sport.

https://visionsports.ie/