Mother trouble maker

tommy100

Has anyone any experience with relative or any person who is constantly trouble making. For years (40 plus years), my mother fought with friends neighbours customers family, both verbally physically and mentally. making up arguements out of thin air. As she moved thru the years, she eventually ran out of people to argue with, so it us now, her children, she fights with. She ignores her grandchildren, and never acknowledges them as a away of trying to get at us, upset us. My kids are are 3 and 1 and she never sent a card for the birthdays, and its being months since she has seen them. Recenly, I had invited her to my house for the birthdays by text 2 months and also a week in advance, but no reply. I am not allowed to go to her house (no reason whatsoever, but shell accuse you of something). The gardai are sick of her too. She has caused them trouble too.
My poor father (rip), spent years not able to see us and or contact us, as she fabricated alot of storys to blacken his name, and put on the crocodile tears etc, just so she could destroy him (for no reason), he worked hard and was a non drinker, church going man. As we were kids at the time, we didnt understand really, she would always frighten us with frabricated stories of him wanting to drown us, and she would lock us into a bedroom at night so he wouldn't be able to attack us when he got home from work. She would scream for her life and get us to do it also, if he tried opening the door. The bed would be against the wall, our backs against the bed and legs agsinst the wall. My father told me in later years he would just leave the house when she did this, as he didnt want to scare us.
I better stop, iam wandering here, i could write for hours. LSS - My dad was great to us and never laid a hand on us, but for some reason, i was terrified of him, as she had brainwashed us, i can remember times he would turn up to see us, i would lie on the ground and crawl so he couldn't see us thru the windows. Id be shaking with fear. The guards would arrive and he would just leave. My mother had got barring orders and that was her method of preventing him from seeing us. This part is funny, my mother, was the only person that threatened us with drowing us on many occasions, driving at high speed and saying we going into the shannon, if we upset her or if she found out our dad had met us.

I know how she works, but i don't know why?

I have always said i will never prevent a parent or grandparent from seeing my kids, no matter what, even after all she had done in the past, but she now has no interest in my kids.

I have never spoken to anyone about this before, i have tried to bring it up but i guess since im a male, and i am big then i don't probably require a chat to get it out into the open and maybe find answers.

gozunda

Hey OP. A very harrowing account of growing up and dealing with this into adulthood. Often the recommended means of dealing with people who you describe as controlling and negative as your mother would be to mimimise contact for the sake of your own and your families health. Toxic family members are often dealt best at a safe distance. That and finding a good counselor to help work through the impacts this has on you.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/heres-how-to-deal-with-toxic-family-members

adrian92

Tommy, it can be devastating trying to understand why, particularly about a parent.

I have spent years asking why. to myself, to no avail.

Perhaps, as well as you can, try to look after yourself and try to be in the company of gentle people

Realt Dearg Sec

tommy100 wrote: »

Has anyone any experience with relative or any person who is constantly trouble making. For years (40 plus years), my mother fought with friends neighbours customers family, both verbally physically and mentally. making up arguements out of thin air. As she moved thru the years, she eventually ran out of people to argue with, so it us now, her children, she fights with. She ignores her grandchildren, and never acknowledges them as a away of trying to get at us, upset us. My kids are are 3 and 1 and she never sent a card for the birthdays, and its being months since she has seen them. Recenly, I had invited her to my house for the birthdays by text 2 months and also a week in advance, but no reply. I am not allowed to go to her house (no reason whatsoever, but shell accuse you of something). The gardai are sick of her too. She has caused them trouble too.
My poor father (rip), spent years not able to see us and or contact us, as she fabricated alot of storys to blacken his name, and put on the crocodile tears etc, just so she could destroy him (for no reason), he worked hard and was a non drinker, church going man. As we were kids at the time, we didnt understand really, she would always frighten us with frabricated stories of him wanting to drown us, and she would lock us into a bedroom at night so he wouldn't be able to attack us when he got home from work. She would scream for her life and get us to do it also, if he tried opening the door. The bed would be against the wall, our backs against the bed and legs agsinst the wall. My father told me in later years he would just leave the house when she did this, as he didnt want to scare us.
I better stop, iam wandering here, i could write for hours. LSS - My dad was great to us and never laid a hand on us, but for some reason, i was terrified of him, as she had brainwashed us, i can remember times he would turn up to see us, i would lie on the ground and crawl so he couldn't see us thru the windows. Id be shaking with fear. The guards would arrive and he would just leave. My mother had got barring orders and that was her method of preventing him from seeing us. This part is funny, my mother, was the only person that threatened us with drowing us on many occasions, driving at high speed and saying we going into the shannon, if we upset her or if she found out our dad had met us.

I know how she works, but i don't know why?

I have always said i will never prevent a parent or grandparent from seeing my kids, no matter what, even after all she had done in the past, but she now has no interest in my kids.

I have never spoken to anyone about this before, i have tried to bring it up but i guess since im a male, and i am big then i don't probably require a chat to get it out into the open and maybe find answers.

Sorry to sound harsh but by the sounds of it the kindest thing she ever did for you was refuse to see your children. Don't see how any good could come out of them having too much contact with that kind of ****e. By your account she terrorised your father and your siblings. Two generations is plenty. I know it's easy to say from my perspective, and family is always more complicated than an outsider can appreciate, but you really should cut her out of your kids lives, even if you can't or wouldn't cut her out of your own.

Wesser

it sounds like she has a personality disorder. there are many types. there are also many resources ( books) on how to overcome this as a child of a parent with these disorders. im sorry i dont know the name of them but someone else here might?

splinter65

I’m so sorry for you. I’m so sorry no teacher or aunt or anyone ever came to rescue you or your siblings. I’m glad you have your own family now and you have survived. You are trying to give your mother a chance to make it all right by being a loving granny.
That’s not going to happen.
I know it’s a cliche but you should ask your gp to refer you to someone you could talk to about all this, to help you make sense of it because I’m afraid that it will all come back to haunt you later on.

Peatys

tommy100 wrote: »

I have never spoken to anyone about this before, i have tried to bring it up but i guess since im a male, and i am big then i don't probably require a chat to get it out into the open and maybe find answers.

My wife is coming out the other side of this. She realised years ago that her parents were toxic narcissists. Even at that, she's now 40 and has only very recently finally made peace with the fact that she's ok with putting them out of ours and our children's lives.

She mourns for the parents she could have had, what could have been. She spent years trying to get through to them, but their brains are wired differently and speak a different language to our brains. They genuinely don't understand why she removed herself from their mental and emotional abuse. And she's made peace with the fact that they never will.

For your own sake, lay it all out on the table. Talk to someone openly.. your partner maybe, even better a therapist who's seen it all before and can simply talk you through it.

Calypso Realm

Wesser wrote: »

it sounds like she has a personality disorder. there are many types. there are also many resources ( books) on how to overcome this as a child of a parent with these disorders. im sorry i dont know the name of them but someone else here might?

Or a serious mental illness. What OP has described is not normal behaviour by any standards.

I agree with those who advocate distancing yourself from her. In view of what you've described, the last thing you want to do is subject your own children to her. It's extremely unlikely she'll change unless she gets some form of treatment she clearly needs. Not sure how you'd go about this but perhaps have a word with your GP?

Fakediamond

Wesser wrote: »

it sounds like she has a personality disorder. there are many types. there are also many resources ( books) on how to overcome this as a child of a parent with these disorders. im sorry i dont know the name of them but someone else here might?

Top of the list would be narcissistic or borderline or a combo of both. There’s loads of online resources for children of narcissistic mothers.m

OP, you’ve outlined a very traumatic and stressful childhood and it must continue to impact on you now. I would urge you to get counselling for yourself. You should probably (definitely) distance yourself from this woman and a therapist would guide you on how to do that without feeling guilty for doing so.

Widdensushi

Have no contact with her and don't let her near your children. They say that one of the hardest things is to mourn for someone who is still alive. I am afraid that is the only approach here,if you don't feel strong enough to do it for your own sake do it for your children. Everyone is better without that toxic individual in their lives. Good luck