Confusing situation but I've been naive haven't I...

LegacyUser

I find/found myself in the most crazy situation and I now sit absolutely baffled as to what is or was real and what is not. I'll try to keep this short as i could write a book on this so some parts will be missing but I'll just give a quick low down and hope someone can shed any light for me please.

I'm Irish living in Ireland, I work doing door security for clubs and bars. I knew a girl going way back through mutual friends, they told me she always had a big thing for me, but she met a guy in the meantime and had a kid, a little girl. Two years ago she came up to me at work and we talked and laughed, shes shy in person with me anyway. She asked for my number and we texted for weeks. Her relationship was pretty bad not that he was actually just she didn't love him or want it but found it hard to leave him do to now badly he would take it. That summer and not proud to admit this we slept together after a night out just happened sort of thing my town is small it's easy to meet anyone here out. We then talked more and we did meet again.. I told her I won't be some side piece and for herself but also her partner she had to choose what she wanted to do and what was best for all, to many could get hurt. She said she was leaving him. Weeks later she said she did, we met after that and slept together. She got pregnant, and was sure it was mine it turned out she had slept with her partner before it ending, kid was his. We parted ways not meeting again and she was back in her old relationship, this deeply hurt me but I moved on no choice.

Fast forward her having the baby and us not speaking for a year, she contacted me last Xmas, just out of the blue saying hi and how was I doing etc small talk. Soon we got into it more and I said how I felt and what she done wasn't ok just messing everyone around. She just said sorry she never stopped thinking about it and me every single day she couldn't stop thinking about me and why she contacted me, she said she meant her words and that she did really love me and felt I was her true love I was meant for her just her situation was horrible and she was cowardly handling it. At least some admission. We talked and only talked no meet up after that and it was that way on and off until April this year, she text to say her partner had left there home she finally got the courage to do it and it wasn't working she just didn't love him never did it was not fair on the kids. So we talked more, she asked me for time and to just stand her feet for a bit but did it for me and because she always wanted me and wants to be with me and meant it. I told her I never pressured her into any decision was always hers she had to make for her not for me, and we would see what the future holds.

During the last few months she would talk for days at a time send me random lovehearts, tell me she loved me she was thinking about me and couldn't wait until we are together etc and due to kids and work we may not talk then for days. I noticed though she never seemed up to meet and I found that odd given she said she loves me so much and never stops thinking about me etc. Warning signs yes. I said it and she said she has two kids and work and nobody to mind her kids she didn't go out to clubs etc just quiet type. I knew financially she struggled with her partner gone but she wouldn't ask anyone for help that type, as months went by since they broke up in April I did worry they'd get back and she had not met me in this time but said all these lovely words.. so fast forward to recently, 4 week's ago she went odd saying she may come off social media etc and this rang alarm bells for me was here before, I asked her straight up I would not be mad I'd say nothing to her but was she back with her partner had he moved back in and would she say if so that's all I wanted was honesty, she said she would but he had not. A week later my friend saw them both shopping together and the kids and all seemed ok, I believe my gut was right and she asked him back to live there. We talked days later and I said it what's up there are you back just say so I can move past this and she said they hadn't got back and shes been off just being busy but needed space 🤔 from what was my thoughts but I couldn't fight this or get involved anymore I just said that's fine you have your space hope all is good. And we didn't speak since. I came off two social media sites since just to not see her post stuff up etc. But I believe she is back in that again, so my question is can someone who never seemed to me to be a monster or evil do all that and say all that just for kicks, for fun? Was I just someone she had fun with and got on great with but that was it, I didn't mean anything to her at all, I'm genuinely confused. My friends think she will come back again one day to talk but just leave it now be done with it no more talking even. Any thoughts?

Jurgen Klopp

My thoughts.

She's an absolute piss taker and scumbag. Thank your lucky stars the child was not yours.

There is no love story here. She did the dirt on her partner cause shes selfish and a cheat, nothing more.

Your being played big time for her own ego.

If ye ever had started going out, she's be riding rings around you too.

Salary Negotiator

She cheated on her partner with you, got pregnant by him and told you it was yours.

This is not a woman you should be thinking of getting involved with. Dodged a bullet first time round, don’t get back in the firing line.

Jenneke87

Listen, this woman is a headwreck. You're convenient for when she wants attention, and I'd say she's all wrapped up in this fantasy where you are her 'true love" (like, is she still 16 or what?) but can't leave due to children etc. If she really wanted to be with you, she'd break up her relationship, get her affairs in order and get herself in a position to be with you. She didn't, and she just enjoys using you for the attention and drama. Don't get sucked in again and stay clear off her.

wiggle16

They weren't broken up OP, at any point. She would have met up with you if they had been.

You may have been naive, yes, but then again when someone is telling you what you want to hear the first thing that pops into your head is not that it's probably lies. It sounds like there is a lot of self-deception going on there too, OP. I mean, you were messaging for a few months and she wouldn't meet you (unless I've read that wrong), when she had been dishonest with you in the past. It sounds an awful lot like you just tuned out the alarm bells.

so my question is can someone who never seemed to me to be a monster or evil do all that and say all that just for kicks, for fun?

Of course they can, they always do, they have to. Isn't it well for her that she came across all loving and caring and attentive? That's what reeled you back in, after all. If people looked on the outside like they do on the inside, no one would ever fall for a smooth-talking user like her.

I'm genuinely confused. My friends think she will come back again one day to talk but just leave it now be done with it no more talking even. Any thoughts?

Am I to take from this that you still believe there is a future there for the two of you? There isn't. She'd not have done all that to you if she actually gave a sh*t about you - that sounds harsh but you need to let it really sink in. She's a user and a wasp. And has a partner, to top it all off.

Listen to your friends. Block her on everything, stop thinking about her. She's bullsh*t. To be honest i think that the bigger issue here is your self-esteem - the fact that you kept messaging this woman for a few months even though she wouldn't meet you, and even now you don't seem to be convinced it's over, says a lot. "Go to counselling" gets bandied about a lot but it sounds like you could benefit from it, OP.
You shouldn't be entertaining the idea that she will come back into your life, or wondering so much if she ever really cared. I realise you're hurt and I don't mean to come down on you like a tonne of bricks, but it does seem you allowed yourself to be fooled and it would be worth exploring why that is.

cannotlogin

I would still ask for a DNA test if I was you.

Why would you want someone who treated both you and her ex/now no longer ex like this?

Run, and stay gone.

leggo

cannotlogin wrote: »

I would still ask for a DNA test if I was you.

I wouldn’t. You’re getting told definitively the kid isn’t yours, you don’t owe this woman anything, I don’t see any incentive to go actively trying to tie yourself to her for 18 years.

Run OP. Run fast. And learn a big lesson. There’s loads of red flags here that should teach you when somebody is being a melt. She cheated, her actions never matched her words, she blasted you with information to get trust whenever it seemed like you were clocking onto her, she’d hit you with heavy stuff like “I love you” (how? You can’t love someone you’ve only met up with a couple times) to reel you back in other times. If she sniffs that you’re thinking about leaving, I’d almost put money on her being magically available to meet in order to hook you again, then getting you back to the status quo once she has you back in. She would absolutely do the same thing to you if you were officially her partner, you probably weren’t even the only lad she was cheating with.

Yeah you’ve been a bit naive but it happens. A lot of people have to learn these things the hard way unfortunately. Some people are just irreparably broken, they don’t care how they treat people and won’t ever learn or change. This girl sounds like one of them. Thank god that child isn’t yours, block this girl on everything and never look back.

bitofabind

All I'm seeing is a lot of meaningless words and waffle about being in love with you, one true love blah blah, and then a lot of very decisive actions that would prove otherwise. Getting knocked up by the ex, not talking to you for a year, stringing you along while she's with him, lying about being with him, and all these meaningless declarations of love.

She doesn't love you. She's bored and doesn't like her reality and she likes the attention you give her. That's it. That's all you are to her. Is it good enough for you? Is it an acceptable way of treating someone? Are you going to keep accepting it?

Here's what you do. Stop being available. Disappear. Block her everywhere and move on with your life. Knowing her type it'll drive her demented and she'll be back texting sweet nothings, leave her to it. It's time for you to heal from this whole sorry situation and move onto better women. It'll be hard for a few weeks or months, but then you'll get the perspective you need and you'll begin to feel better and see her for what she is. She's not offering you love or happiness or peace or any of the things that you need to live a good life. All she's bringing is drama and bullsh1t and that's all she'll ever bring.

cannotlogin

leggo wrote: »

I wouldn’t. You’re getting told definitively the kid isn’t yours, you don’t owe this woman anything, I don’t see any incentive to go actively trying to tie yourself to her for 18 years.

Surely he owes the child something if he is the father? It's not about her.

ManOfMystery

She is a habitual liar. And not a very nice person at all, despite the protestations of love and that. It's all BS.

She is in a relationship with her long-time partner, that much is obvious. What you are to her is nothing more than an ego boost, someone she can keep at arm's length and latch onto now and again like a leech when she needs to inject some illicit excitement into the humdrum daily routine of keeping a house and 2 kids. Knowing full well that you are into her and have feelings for her. But there is nothing for you here beyond that.

You're being used and manipulated and I have some sympathy. But you also knowingly entered into a relationship with someone who had a longterm partner and child, and this is the risk you take when you choose that woman out of the hundreds and thousands out there who are single.

It's her partner and child I feel most sorry for. As she appears to be a cheat and a liar, you can't take anything she says at face value and that 'bad' relationship story could equally be rubbish. They face their family being broken up over her behaviour, which unfortunately you are now complicitly involved in also.

leggo

cannotlogin wrote: »

Surely he owes the child something if he is the father? It's not about her.

But she’s told him that he’s not. To push it from there is to just try create drama and keep this woman in his life for the sake of it. The child has a father.

Jurgen Klopp

leggo wrote: »

But she’s told him that he’s not. To push it from there is to just try create drama and keep this woman in his life for the sake of it. The child has a father.

Ah now

She can say all she likes, she's well able to lie.

They slept together around the same time. It is possible it's his and if he wanted to a child that's possibly his then I could understand if he wanted to find out for sure

ManOfMystery

I would agree a DNA test is pretty crucial, she's already proven she's capable of lying and cheating. If she didn't want to rock the boat any more at home it's entirely possible she's told everyone her longterm partner is the father, even if he wasn't. There's a 50/50 chance here.

leggo

I understand that this person lies but my point is I don't see a single thing to be gained from it. OP's life is made worse by being tied to this person long-term, the child's life isn't made any better because it would create a disconnect from the family it's going to grow up with (as well as having to cope with whatever emotional baggage learning about how it came to exist will create when it's older), this girl's partner learns that a child he believes to be his isn't, even the other child involved could possibly grow up in a broken home from the ramifications this could bring.

When there's a perfectly good out there where nobody has to be harmed, why go actively hunting for drama? For the sake of 'truth'? To get back at this girl and ruin her relationship (it's kinda ****ty, Jeremy Kyle behaviour to break up a home just because you're angry you got messed around a bit)? If the OP really wants to be a father, he can go out and find someone who likes him and have a child with them. And my main fear is that, if all that's gone on so far still hasn't fully convinced OP that she's a bad egg, then he could do this for the sole sake of continuing to have this girl in his life. So I don't see what good encouraging that is or how it benefits him or anyone else.

Trying to prove this child is his can only make everyone involved's life worse and would only be motivated by selfish/spiteful reasons.

ManOfMystery

leggo wrote: »

I understand that this person lies but my point is I don't see a single thing to be gained from it. OP's life is made worse by being tied to this person long-term, the child's life isn't made any better because it would create a disconnect from the family it's going to grow up with (as well as having to cope with whatever emotional baggage learning about how it came to exist will create when it's older), this girl's partner learns that a child he believes to be his isn't, even the other child involved could possibly grow up in a broken home from the ramifications this could bring.

When there's a perfectly good out there where nobody has to be harmed, why go actively hunting for drama? For the sake of 'truth'? To get back at this girl and ruin her relationship (it's kinda ****ty, Jeremy Kyle behaviour to break up a home just because you're angry you got messed around a bit)? If the OP really wants to be a father, he can go out and find someone who likes him and have a child with them. And my main fear is that, if all that's gone on so far still hasn't fully convinced OP that she's a bad egg, then he could do this for the sole sake of continuing to have this girl in his life. So I don't see what good encouraging that is or how it benefits him or anyone else.

Trying to prove this child is his can only make everyone involved's life worse and would only be motivated by selfish/spiteful reasons.

I'm struggling with your angle on this.

If the OP suspects there is a strong chance that he has a biological child, he has a fundamental and basic right to verify that.

Equally, that child has a right to know who their biological father is.

Whether they pursue a relationship now or further down the line is another argument entirely. And if there is inevitable fallout from this, that is on the mother as she is the one who has lied and cheated her way into this situation.

It's grand taking the 'nobody has to be harmed by this' head in the sand approach, but sooner or later the truth will come out. There are any number of situations which could cause that child to verify their biological background in years to come - health/relationships/etc - and if they find that the last 15/20/30 years of their existence has been built on a lie, the emotional impact will be much greater then.

"Trying to prove this child is his can only make everyone involved's life worse and would only be motivated by selfish/spiteful reasons" - I can't agree with this line whatsoever. If it turns out the child is the OP's, how in hell is he selfish/spiteful for wanting to verify that? There have been threads on this very forum from males who have found out years later that they have a child out there, and in some cases it has almost broken them emotionally that they never got to form any kind of bond or experience their child growing up.

leggo

How will they find out though? Like unless they're a different skin colour or there are some other obvious telltale signs, they'll have no reason to ask. I personally have never heard of someone accidentally finding out that they weren't their father's child. I'm sure it's happened before in some sensational story they've written books or movies about, but it's not something that crops up in day-to-day life, i.e. we all know someone who's gone through this. It's the kind of question you have to be prompted to ask to find an answer to.

I listed a bunch of valid reasons as to why this is a bad idea (namely that nobody benefits and everyone's life is made significantly worse) and all you've said as a counterpoint is "it's a fundamental right." But you haven't actually listed anything substantial as to how this improves anyone's situation, the child very much included. It's drama for the sake of it and you're giving me nothing but empty, dramatic platitudes as a reason for doing so. Right now, based off what we know, there's a 50/50 chance (which could be as low as 10%...she could've had unprotected sex with 10 different lads in this period for all we know) of something there might be a 5% chance the kid could find out about when he's older. Crunch the numbers: it's not worth breaking up a home or upheaving two children's lives when you yourself can't come up with a single, tangible benefit to doing so beyond dramatic words like "fundamental right".

You know who else isn't asking questions about this? The OP. So really you're just projecting your own beliefs about this topic onto him when he's accepting the child isn't his.

ManOfMystery

leggo wrote: »

How will they find out though? Like unless they're a different skin colour or there are some other obvious telltale signs, they'll have no reason to ask. I personally have never heard of someone accidentally finding out that they weren't their father's child. I'm sure it's happened before in some sensational story they've written books or movies about, but it's not something that crops up in day-to-day life, i.e. we all know someone who's gone through this.

My best friend's partner found out her biological father wasn't the man who brought her up, when she was 19. It completely knocked her for six and had a very negative impact on her education and life at the time.

An aunt in my family had a child when she was 18 (in secrecy) and gave it up for adoption. Somehow years later they were reconnected and we were all introduced to a new cousin who we'd never known about. The father heard about it (he still lived locally) and was devastated that he'd never known of her existence.

These aren't movies, or Jeremy Kyle episodes, but real people with real feelings. Just because you haven't had a personal experience with this type of situation doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I listed a bunch of valid reasons as to why this is a bad idea (namely that nobody benefits and everyone's life is made significantly worse) and all you've said as a counterpoint is "it's a fundamental right." But you haven't actually listed anything substantial as to how this improves anyone's situation, the child very much included. It's drama for the sake of it and you're giving me nothing but empty, dramatic platitudes as a reason for doing so. Right now, based off what we know, there's a 50/50 chance (which could be as low as 10%...she could've had unprotected sex with 10 different lads in this period for all we know) of something there might be a 5% chance the kid could find out about when he's older. Crunch the numbers: it's not worth breaking up a home or upheaving two children's lives when you yourself can't come up with a single, tangible benefit to doing so beyond dramatic words like "fundamental right".

I'm not being dramatic.

You're the one implying these situations only happen in dramatised environments like movies and TV Shows. I'm implying that they do happen in real life, they have very real effects, and whilst you think it may be better for the people in this situation now to perpetuate a lie, the fallout from that lie down the line could be much greater.

I've referenced two personal experiences above where in each case those who were most affected were those who didn't know the truth, and the subsequent impact on their lives was huge.

But sure, by all means, take the 1950s head-in-the-sand Irish approach and pretend that it's ok for those born out of wedlock or otherwise to have their entire lives built on a lie. Can you honestly tell me if you found out tomorrow that your biological father wasn't the person who you thought it had been all these years, that wouldn't matter to you?

You know who else isn't asking questions about this? The OP. So really you're just projecting your own beliefs about this topic onto him when he's accepting the child isn't his.

The OP posted the topic and asked if anyone could shed any light on this situation. And some of us have speculated on something that may not have occurred to him, but which could be a very real possibility. Whether he chooses to pursue it or not is entirely up to him - we're only offering advice and perspectives on the situation, which is the whole point of this forum area. If that's 'projecting', I'm not apologising for it.

bitofabind

Leggo, usually your advice is spot on around here but you are so way off the mark this time.

The "why" someone has the right to know who their biological parents are is not some abstract, hand-wringing thing that's all about the feelz. People die because they don't have access to vital information about their biological medical history. On genetic health risks alone, it's vital information for everyone.

You can order genetic testing kits online for 100 quid. I know people that received them as Christmas gifts in the past. All fun and games until the massive emotional fallout of discovering you've been lied to your whole life and are missing out on relationships with an entire half side of your family tree. The mental health implications of this are huge.

It's on the OP to decide if there's a sufficient risk here and what his next steps should be. But advising point blank that he turns a blind eye because that'll cause drama and upset is wholly irresponsible advice tbh.

lunamoon

I would agree that you'd be mad not to get a DNA test. This woman is nothing but a liar and there's no way I'd be believing that the child is 100% her ex's (or current partner).

sportsfan90

On the subject of DNA testing, what exactly is required if OP or any man who is a potential father wanted to check if a child is his?

Does the child need to be brought in to a clinic, blood tested, with consent of the mother? Or is it possible just to discreetly take some hair samples and do the testing without telling others?

leggo

There’s a massive discrepancy here that people are adding though: that this child is being, or will be in the future, ‘lied to’. This is literally something that’s been imagined, nobody here has any clue what will/won’t be said to the child, it’s all assumptions. This whole ‘you need to get a DNA test’ is just something one person said that was being ignored and everyone is now getting distracted by the drama like “No this is now the most important thing”.

Plenty of people have fallen pregnant having had sex with multiple people in a potential timeframe, many kids grow up just fine not even knowing their father. This girl seems to genuinely believe her current partner is the kid’s dad, the partner is being a father to it, therefore this kid has a Dad. We can pretend the OP may have an as-yet-undiscovered rare genetic illness that will cause this child to die young unless highlighted now all we want, but in reality that’s an extreme and unlikely issue, whereas OP interfering at this stage definitely will cause immediate (and potentially unnecessary) upheaval in this child’s life.

It’s not something the OP is particularly concerned about based on what they, the only person here involved in the situation, are living and dealing with. Maybe this girl has provided sufficient evidence that the child isn’t his (she could’ve been pregnant already when they had sex, maybe the OP isn’t sure of exact dates when the baby is born etc) we don’t know, but he seems satisfied to accept it. I’m reacting to the actual situation as presented to us, not the hysteria that’s followed as people managed to subsequently overthink and create new issues that they actually have no idea about. Sometimes I do almost laugh at how this place works itself into a tizzy about questions they haven’t even been asked, if it wasn’t so serious for the people on the receiving end.

wiggle16

Mod:

That's enough general discussion, we've gone off into a subject that the OP hasn't actually brought up himself - lets get back on topic.

ILoveYourVibes

Was I just someone she had fun with and got on great with but that was it, I didn't mean anything to her at all, I'm genuinely confused.

Yes. You didn't mean anything to her.

Sorry you were fun and you guys got on great. That is the type of guy you go for a fling with when in a bad relationship. Sorry op.

Naive yes ..innocent no though...i mean you slept with a woman in a relationship.

You need to know women who will cheat with you ...will cheat on you.

Honestly she sounds like a nightmare. You seem to think the kid isn't yours. Thats a good thing.

Move on and start a new life for yourself.