Uncomfortable situation

LegacyUser

This is long, I'm sorry!

I work in a large office. A young woman in the office (roughly 5 years younger than me) became pregnant and I became became pregnant after her. I wouldn't say we were friends but we bonded over both being pregnant. She doesn't really have any female friends whereas I would have a good few. Two of my friends were pregnant roughly around the same time as me.

When we were both on maternity leave she was messaging me telling me how lonely she was. Her husband wasn't much help to her and she didn't have any family close by. I invited her to join myself and my friends for a few baby/mamma coffee dates where we met other mothers on maternity leave and she got added to our group chat.

She had an air of superiority about her because her baby was older than ours and she was very judgemental towards myself and my friends choices. She frequently sniggered at things we said and said things like 'I would never let my baby watch tv, god it's just so irresponsible' after one of us had said 'just left x to watch tv while I try get the washing done'. There were many, many other instances where she was downright nasty with her replies. It was clear as day why she didn't have many female friends.

It came to the stage where I was no longer asked to go to the coffee dates because they were afraid of me bringing her along. One of my friends confided in me that they felt torn because they knew being a new mother was hard but that her constant judgemental comments were really grating on her and the others.

It all came to a head one day and I ended up saying to her 'Stop being so judgemental, just because you wouldn't do something doesn't mean it's wrong'. She left the group chat and we haven't spoken since.

I'm back in work a week and i'm thinking about going to HR. People have been asking me what happened between us and why was I so mean to her. She's been telling people that I was bullying her and that I got my friends to bully her as well. I'm distraught about this. I wasn't bullying her. I don't know whether to say something to her or if it would make it worse. When she see's me in the office she does a big dramatic turn to walk the other way.

There's at least 5 other people who were subjected to her nastiness who would all back me up on this but they don't work with me and I feel like this whole thing is so childish. I feel foolish for inviting her into my group of friends. I've a knot in my stomach everyday I come in work now because I'm afraid of bumping into her.

skallywag

backfrommat wrote: »

It all came to a head one day and I ended up saying to her 'Stop being so judgemental, just because you wouldn't do something doesn't mean it's wrong'. She left the group chat and we haven't spoken since.

Did you speak to get in person about this, or was it that you made such a comment on the group chat and she immediately threw her toys out of the pram and left the group?

I do certainly see your side of things here, you were the who vouched for her, so to speak, and not it has blown back on you.

Have you tried talking to her about this? Any reasonable person would see your point. That said she sounds like she does not fall into that category ...

LegacyUser

skallywag wrote: »

Did you speak to get in person about this, or was it that you made such a comment on the group chat and she immediately threw her toys out of the pram and left the group?

I do certainly see your side of things here, you were the who vouched for her, so to speak, and not it has blown back on you.

Have you tried talking to her about this? Any reasonable person would see your point. That said she sounds like she does not fall into that category ...

No I made the comment on the group chat. I should have said it to her in person but for that incident, the person who she had made the judgemental comment about had sent me a message on the side saying how hurt she was about what she said and that she didn't think she could stay in a group with her anymore. I saw red and replied to her on the group chat. I felt that if I didn't 'publicly' say it that people might think that I agreed with her.

Anytime she see's me she walks the other direction so I haven't tried to talk to her. I didn't want to text her either incase I didn't come across well and she used it against me. I'm very wary about doing anything since I heard it back that she's using the bullying word.

Princess Calla

First off fair play to you for taking her under your wing, sounds like you've a great support network

Secondly there will always be people in the office that thrive on a sniff of drama....I try to avoid these at all costs. Tell them nothing about this or anything in general while obviously keeping it polite.

The next bit is the more tricky bit. I don't like confrontation so previously I would have taken the ignore approach and just got on with my job. This worked well but in hindsight there were some instances that I should have had a chat with my manager about. I regret that I didn't, but that's my circumstance.

This girl has obviously already aired her laundry in public most likely painting you as the bad guy and being very dramatic about it too. If it were me now I'd be having an informal coffee with my manager , basically telling them what's in your Op. State that you want to maintain a professional relationship with her but you want to flag the breakdown of the friendship as she has already told stories incase it escalates.

That would be me trying to get infront of a problem before the problem arises as it's very difficult to state a case after a blow out.

Best of luck, returning after maternity leave is such a mixed bag of emotions this is the last thing you need.

leggo

I definitely wouldn’t let this stress you out unnecessarily.

Yes, workplace bullying accusations have to be taken seriously, but they also need to be substantiated. You can’t just say someone bullied you then cost them their job. The reality is her accusation isn’t the case. There’s nothing she can use to substantiate her claim because it didn’t happen. At best, if she was to make a complaint, you could recount all that you’ve told us here and show evidence of group chat behaviour etc. That would paint her in a completely different light and show her true colours. I doubt she’d take this course of action for that reason. Even if she’s not self-aware and genuinely believes she’s been bullied, there’s nothing she can prove it with.

In the meantime, don’t rise to the bait. Be professional with her and get on with your job as normal. If you need to speak to her about work-related issues, do so. I’d even go as far as to say hello and other niceties just to openly show no malice on your behalf, but that’s your call. But there’s nothing here from her but hot water, so don’t let this get you down as you’ve enough going on as it is.

Purple Mountain

Princess Calla wrote: »

First off fair play to you for taking her under your wing, sounds like you've a great support network

Secondly there will always be people in the office that thrive on a sniff of drama....I try to avoid these at all costs. Tell them nothing about this or anything in general while obviously keeping it polite.

The next bit is the more tricky bit. I don't like confrontation so previously I would have taken the ignore approach and just got on with my job. This worked well but in hindsight there were some instances that I should have had a chat with my manager about. I regret that I didn't, but that's my circumstance.

This girl has obviously already aired her laundry in public most likely painting you as the bad guy and being very dramatic about it too. If it were me now I'd be having an informal coffee with my manager , basically telling them what's in your Op. State that you want to maintain a professional relationship with her but you want to flag the breakdown of the friendship as she has already told stories incase it escalates.

That would be me trying to get infront of a problem before the problem arises as it's very difficult to state a case after a blow out.

Best of luck, returning after maternity leave is such a mixed bag of emotions this is the last thing you need.

+1 to all above and tell your manager you're concerned that she's using the bullying word because you 100% feel that this was not the case. You just called her out on comments you found hurtful.
Tell your manager that all this happened in private time and she's the one who's dragging it into the work place, not you and thst you intend to remain courteous and professional towards her at work.
To be honest, people like that generally have form so your manager probably won't be surprised.

LegacyUser

This has nothing to do with work so i'm not sure why you would go to HR unless she brings the issue into work. Fine if she ignores you in work or makes a big show of walking off, if its not effecting your work then let her off. If she brings the issue into work then thats on her and by the sound of it most people in your work place knows what shes like so just ignore.

Jurgen Klopp

I don't suppose the messages still show in teh group chat? Could you take screenshots then you have them if you want to explain the situation to a manager or HR

Rubberchikken

if all of this occurred outside work than i dont see how or why HR would be involved.
most HR are unwilling to involve themselves on bullying in the workplace unless forced (just my opinion).

it sounds like you behaved in a very friendly and open way and were willing with your friends to include this woman in your group.

she, on the other hand, sounds unpleasant and if your post is accurate then i can see why she has few if any friends. most people with any self respect wont put up with being spoken to like this woman spoke to your group.

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

if all of this occurred outside work than i dont see how or why HR would be involved.
most HR are unwilling to involve themselves on bullying in the workplace unless forced (just my opinion).

it sounds like you behaved in a very friendly and open way and were willing with your friends to include this woman in your group.

she, on the other hand, sounds unpleasant and if your post is accurate then i can see why she has few if any friends. most people with any self respect wont put up with being spoken to like this woman spoke to your group.

I'm torn between going to them or not since as you said, it happened outside of work. I'm also not sure my manager would be the best person to deal with this. She wouldn't know this other woman (it's a pretty large company) and I'd be afraid of her thinking I'm bringing 'drama' back to work. I just feel so uneasy about it.

To answer other questions: All of this happened over 4 months ago and the screenshots would probably be very hard to get. The chat is non stop somedays and I got a new phone in the meantime so not sure if the messages would be there.

Princess Calla

Well that's a slightly different slant. I thought you both reported to same manager or same department head.

If your work is totally separate and have zero dealings with each other on a professional basis I'd probably just ignore it.

The only thing I'd be mindful of is we are entering into silly season so plenty of nights out with alcohol... I'd be giving her a very wide berth.

That said her shenanigans now will be forgotten about quickly as people are so busy with the build up to Christmas.

Returning from Maternity leave is very overwhelming without this added stress. Try to put her behind you.

the14thwarrior

You made friends with a girl, she turned out to be nasty and she left your group of friends and now she's telling people you are a bully and not a nice person etc.

Objectively it reads like someone in 6th class, or 2nd year or whatever.

i must be blunt. Grow up. She won't change.
If there is a whiff of anything she said getting back to you or your manager, or it has a direct impact on your work or your colleagues, have a chat with your manager. Other than that, leave it be.

Going to your manager might back fire, as at this point, there is no proof of her doing anything to you in work. If she is doing something, get evidence.

now you know why she has no friends..............

Tiddlypeeps

If she is spreading lies to other people at work then I would 100% go to HR. Even if you don't want anything to be done about it then just to give them a heads up on whats happening so they have a record of your side of the story if things escalate.


What she is doing sounds like it is actually bullying behaviour towards you. See the definition of work place bullying here. https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/employment/equality_in_work/bullying_in_the_workplace.html


Hopefully it just fizzles out on it's own, but by going to HR first you set the tone for any future conversations if things escalate.

skallywag

I am totally in your corner on this one OP, you did a really good thing and have ended up in this situation now. She is clearly a complete and utter bitch, no doubt, and the way you describe her turning around when she sees you etc makes her sound like a stroppy 14 year old.

A couple of observations though, both of which I mean in a nice way.

The first is that I would not have called her out on the group chat if it had been me. I would have messaged her privately saying the same, and then closed the loop with the friend she upset by messaging her to let her know that what she said is not on, and that you have called her out on it. Doing so in the group chat itself was always kind of carrying a risk of her going nuclear and feeling cornered. I can understand how you saw red though, and I can also understand why you did not want anyone thinking you may agree with her.

The second, and more salient I would say, is the HR thing. I get it that she is lying to people that you are your friends bullied her, but unless she is saying that this happened within the workplace, or at an official work event, etc, then I cannot see how you think that HR is going to want to get involved here, nor should they in my opinion. If she has tried to make it look like that some of this 'bullying' was work related then by all means go for it. But if there is no more to the story that what we see here in the thread, then going to HR is just going to make it look like that you expect them to get involved in resolving issues in your private life.

I still think that your best plan of attack is to actively approach her and ask her for a chat.

HildaOgdenx

I'm back in work a week and i'm thinking about going to HR. People have been asking me what happened between us and why was I so mean to her. She's been telling people that I was bullying her and that I got my friends to bully her as well. I'm distraught about this. I wasn't bullying her. I don't know whether to say something to her or if it would make it worse. When she see's me in the office she does a big dramatic turn to walk the other way.

There's at least 5 other people who were subjected to her nastiness who would all back me up on this but they don't work with me and I feel like this whole thing is so childish. I feel foolish for inviting her into my group of friends. I've a knot in my stomach everyday I come in work now because I'm afraid of bumping into her.

It's a difficult one, because, as pp have pointed out, it didn't happen at work. Accusing someone of bullying is very serious though, and if she is spreading that around the workplace, I think you may well need to involve someone, whether that is your manager or HR.

Re those who are asking 'why you were mean to her'... I would be having a think about them also. Why are they automatically leaping to believe her side of the story? Do they believe just anything? And are they hyping things up for the sake of creating drama?

Sometimes (to use a cliche) it's hard to see the wood for the trees, and because you are in the throes of it, it's hard to take a clinical look at those who are inclined to believe her story, yet coming back to carry tales to you about it.

Sometimes people show themselves up eventually. It happened with someone I worked with, always ready with the wisecrack at someone's expense. Supposedly funny, but not really. She turned on one of her 'fans' one day and they and others finally realised that her carry on was not so funny when on the receiving end of it.

If you don't have to work closely with her, I would be inclined to give things a few weeks while she makes herself dizzy, doing dramatic twirls around the place. Focus on getting settled back in. It's a big adjustment getting back into work after maternity leave, and adjusting to new routines with baby minders or whatever.

Next time someone brings it up, I would suggest a very cool response, 'okay tell me more' start to note down, 'and who was this being said to etc'.
It might kill off the gossip; it also might halt her if she hears that you are documenting what is being said.

And you will be in a better position, long term, to make a decision about the appropriate action to take.

Please don't blame yourself for extending a hand of friendship. You couldn't have known this would be the outcome.

ILoveYourVibes

Op having a baby is a very emotional process hormones going mental etc. Do you think that going through it all has possibly made you more emotional etc?

Also being on maternity leave might make this bigger than it seems.


I would advise you to be classy and remain graceful.

Princess Calla

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Op having a baby is a very emotional process hormones going mental etc. Do you think that going through it all has possibly made you more emotional etc?

Also being on maternity leave might make this bigger than it seems.


I would advise you to be classy and remain graceful.

No, please don't put the blame on the OP!

ILoveYourVibes

No, please don't put the blame on the OP!

That's a strange interpretation of what I said. I'm not.

I am being neutral and considering this from the outside.

The whole baby thing ..the child rearing etc ...it's highly emotional



OP ...at least one thing is this ..HR would rather die than admit they have a bully in the workplace ...which is a bad thing but you can benefit from it though.

Not saying you are a bullying. But HR can't really ever admit they have one a bully that is.

It means they have made a HUGE mistake in hiring someone. I mean they are meant to carry out tests etc.

Its bad for the company as it admits liability. So no one is ever going to call you a bully.

They will say its a dispute between employees (which it is).

Managers can't admit they have a bully working for them ..it means they are liable. Which means they can be sued. And they can't fire you cuz you could sue for false dismissal.



So you are golden on that front.

ONCE that is ..you behave with class and grace.

If you were a bully other people you work with would be saying it too. So far she is the one causing all the drama and accusing you etc.

In reality she looks bad.

She isn't acting like the victim of bullying ..she is acting like a bully.

She is also bringing what happened in personal time into the workplace. She therefore looks unprofessional.

Princess Calla

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

That's a strange interpretation of what I said. I'm not.

I am being neutral and considering this from the outside.

The whole baby thing ..the child rearing etc ...it's highly emotional.

Because the OP has been completely stabbed in the back by someone she was really nice to. Alot of people would be really p1ssed off too if it happened to them.

You're asking her how her emotional state is, as if she's having a massive over reaction. All you are short of doing is patting her on the head while saying "there,there"

ILoveYourVibes

Princess Calla wrote: »

Because the OP has been completely stabbed in the back by someone she was really nice to. Alot of people would be really p1ssed off too if it happened to them.

You're asking her how her emotional state is, as if she's having a massive over reaction. All you are short of doing is patting her on the head while saying "there,there"

I didn't mean it that way.

Princess Calla

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I didn't mean it that way.

Fair enough

Augme

HR will have zero interest in dealing with this as it happened outside of work. The last they will want to do is get involved at this stage.

Unless you can show how her behaviour is having impact in work or having a direct impact on your job then they'll avoid this with a barge poll. The less HR have to deal with the better from their point of view.

Diceicle

I don't agree with much of the advice here. Regardless of the actual incident happening outside of work, the other party has brought it IN to the work environment by spreading untruths about the OP. I'd very much be inclined to get my side of things on record with HR.