How inhibited are you

Nothing to do with sex.

Reading about a counselor in an Irish hospice general advice about dying and family, any way one of the things he says is a partner/husband/ wife may want to get into bed with their dying spouse give them a kiss but they may be inhibited in front of their adult children from doing this and may need space and privacy to do this?

To me it struck me as one of the saddest things ever even at the end to be embarrassed to show affection in front of their adult children.

I would like to think I would not be inhibited like that but are there many who would be in the culture of Ireland today or maybe it is a cultual hangup that is hard to get over?.

Salary Negotiator

I can only speak about my own past experiences but people generally get upset when I try to climb in beside their dying relative.

Bloody prudes.

_Brian

Salary Negotiator wrote: »

I can only speak about my own past experiences but people generally get upset when I try to climb in beside their dying relative.

Bloody prudes.

And BOOM, just like that AH reaches yet another new deprived low.

Feisar

I don't like peeing in a urinal, need the sanctity of the stall. I don't know where this comes from as I don't care about someone seeing my button mushroom.

2Mad2BeMad

Feisar wrote: »

I don't like peeing in a urinal, need the sanctity of the stall. I don't know where this comes from as I don't care about someone seeing my button mushroom.

Same. I could walk into a pub naked and not give a **** but trying to pee in a urinal... Nope

_Brian

_Brian wrote: »

And BOOM, just like that AH reaches yet another new deprived low.

Yeah its weird, its a post about a hospice and parent dying, although I do think humor aroud the subject of death can be good and give people a bit of relife, but not when it's about a hospice.

Mezzotint

We're a mixed bag on this. I wouldn't say Ireland's that demonstrative about affection but it's not that inhibited either, although that's quite individual and generational.

I'd say the issue there is more a lack of privacy generally. A couple and loved ones need space in that kind of situation. I find sometimes in hospital type situations there's a sense that it's a public space.

I know the hospices do a good job, my own grandmother spent her final days in one, but we aren't great at recognising that people need privacy in hospital type contexts.

jimgoose

I initially misread that as "inbred". Is that a bad sign?? :pac:

AllForIt

I think literally getting into bed with someone who's about to pop their clogs is a bit odd tbh.

BuboBubo

_Brian wrote: »

And BOOM, just like that AH reaches yet another new deprived low.

We prefer 'depraved' in these parts

AllForIt

AllForIt wrote: »

I think literally getting into bed with someone who's about to pop their clogs is a bit odd tbh.

Even if you have been with them for 40 years, sleep in the same bed with them, had children with them, grew old with them?

Graces7

AllForIt wrote: »

I think literally getting into bed with someone who's about to pop their clogs is a bit odd tbh.

Why? If it brings and gives comfort? A last loving hug? Death is a lonely place. You do not stop loving while there is life and feeling.

Bigbagofcans

AllForIt wrote: »

I think literally getting into bed with someone who's about to pop their clogs is a bit odd tbh.

How is that odd? It would be more odd not to want to do it.

I think it would be both comforting and heart-breaking to do it and having shared a bed with this person for so long it would be so natural.

ohnonotgmail

mariaalice wrote: »

Even if you have been with them for 40 years, sleep in the same bed with them, had children with them, grew old with them?

but you generally dont do those things in front of your adult children.

Graces7

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

but you generally dont do those things in front of your adult children.

What are you thinking is going to happen!

Are you saying that any expression of affection and support cannot be shown in front of anyone?

Lovely seeing old folk holding hands in public..

ohnonotgmail

Graces7 wrote: »

What are you thinking is going to happen!

Nothing is going to happen BUT i can understand why somebody might want to share that moment privately with their partner.

Graces7

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

Nothing is going to happen BUT i can understand why somebody might want to share that moment privately with their partner.

I hear you but do not understand? Nothing initimate is going to happen; just the equivalent of a loving hug at a time of stress. Are folk so inhibited that they do not do even that? Or be seen sleeping in the same bed?

ohnonotgmail

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

Nothing is going to happen BUT i can understand why somebody might want to share that moment privately with their partner.

That is true, but that is different than telling a counselor that they are too embarrassed to do it in front of their children.

ohnonotgmail

Graces7 wrote: »

I hear you but do not understand? Nothing initimate is going to happen; just the equivalent of a loving hug at a time of stress. Are folk so inhibited that they do not do even that? Or be seen sleeping in the same bed?

Some people are and I dont think we should be down on them for it.

Plumbthedepths

I cannot think of a nicer way to die than in the embrace of the person I have loved since I was 18, I know she feels the same. On a selfish note I hope I go first.

Mister Vain

Feisar wrote: »

I don't like peeing in a urinal, need the sanctity of the stall. I don't know where this comes from as I don't care about someone seeing my button mushroom.

Psychogenic urinary retention. You're not alone.

Graces7

Plumbthedepths wrote: »

I cannot think of a nicer way to die than in the embrace of the person I have loved since I was 18, I know she feels the same. On a selfish note I hope I go first.

That is totally lovely! Thank you.

As I am alone in life the chances are I will die alone and would rather it be here alone than in a hospital ward. Alone. rather than with someone strange.

But we tend here to fight shy of expressing feelings? Embarrassed. I Once met a lady in a graveyard who was visiting the grave of her baby and when she told me, I hugged her. She hugged me back. Expressing feelings physically is a healing and a comfort.

Graces7

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

Some people are and I dont think we should be down on them for it.

Ah I am not down on anyone...just found it hard to believe and such a loss of comfort. It is the way folk are raised? That showing emotion is ???

KWAG2019

The title and the first sentence of the thread are a bitter anti climax. Nothing to do with sex.

Thelonious Monk

Many parents don't want to show weakness and emotion in front of their children, I know mine don't. They like to take a stoic approach and remain strong for their kids. If my ma started to get into bed with my dying dad I'd prob crack up laughing or run out of the room awkwardly.

Plumbthedepths

Graces7 wrote: »

That is totally lovely! Thank you.

As I am alone in life the chances are I will die alone and would rather it be here alone than in a hospital ward. Alone. rather than with someone strange.

But we tend here to fight shy of expressing feelings? Embarrassed. I Once met a lady in a graveyard who was visiting the grave of her baby and when she told me, I hugged her. She hugged me back. Expressing feelings physically is a healing and a comfort.

Not intended to be patronising but if you are the same off line as you are on line, I'm in no doubt you will not be alone.

Graces7

Plumbthedepths wrote: »

Not intended to be patronising but if you are the same off line as you are on line, I'm in no doubt you will not be alone.

lol.. These years I am all theory and no practice! I am very old and no family and now am all but housebound in a remote place. Would rather die alone than among strangers.

But if I had a close person then yes, let them be with me at the end.

I have words and memories. And reach out when I can.

What concerns is the seeming fear of emotion? If you are hiding how you feel then how can you deal with strong emotions? Is this an Irish thing? I am English and it is far less there than here. Is that why folk drink? And why the suicide rate is so high here?

Sorry' drifting off thread.

Shady Grady

Graces7 wrote: »

lol.. These years I am all theory and no practice! I am very old and no family and now am all but housebound in a remote place. Would rather die alone than among strangers.

But if I had a close person then yes, let them be with me at the end.

I have words and memories. And reach out when I can.

What concerns is the seeming fear of emotion? If you are hiding how you feel then how can you deal with strong emotions? Is this an Irish thing? I am English and it is far less there than here. Is that why folk drink? And why the suicide rate is so high here?

Sorry' drifting off thread.

I had a snoop on your blog and the mental images your words produce about your life is just beautiful.

As for lack of showing emotion these days is down to this PC(Pretty Crazy)mindset the young'uns have. Hell you can't say anything nowadays without offending the young masses. And when you can't express yourself with others it ends up alienating you and with that a mental break down.

As my momma used to say, "It's all going to hell in a handbasket"

ohnonotgmail

Shady Grady wrote: »

As for lack of showing emotion these days is down to this PC(Pretty Crazy)mindset the young'uns have. Hell you can't say anything nowadays without offending the young masses. And when you can't express yourself with others it ends up alienating you and with that a mental break down.

As my momma used to say, "It's all going to hell in a handbasket"

well i'm sure you can blame the PC brigade on many things but not on this. that post is just rubbish.

lawred2

_Brian wrote: »

And BOOM, just like that AH reaches yet another new deprived low.

Ah jaysus.. sounds like you're quite inhibited yourself. That was quite witty.

A new low? Seriously?

With all the apologists for various ills on boards, you found that gag to be a 'new low'...

Shady Grady

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

well i'm sure you can blame the PC brigade on many things but not on this. that post is just rubbish.

Then I guess we will agree to disagree on that.

robbiezero

Shady Grady wrote: »

I had a snoop on your blog and the mental images your words produce about your life is just beautiful.

As for lack of showing emotion these days is down to this PC(Pretty Crazy)mindset the young'uns have. Hell you can't say anything nowadays without offending the young masses. And when you can't express yourself with others it ends up alienating you and with that a mental break down.

As my momma used to say, "It's all going to hell in a handbasket"

What blog?

Widdershins

If I had to do this I would want the room emptied so nobody could ruin my last moments with my husband. Primarily staff. If there were adult offspring I would give them their time with him first and stay alone at the end, I imagine. And Im not inhibited-I certainly wouldn't be waiting for someone to suggest I give him physical comfort.

I come from an undemonstrative family but I'm the opposite. Yes many Irish people are reserved with their affections although perhaps they're simply private rather than repressed. How can anyone else know?

My guess in the case in the OP is not that the person doesn't want the kids seeing the physical comforting, but that they don't want the kids witnessing their heart breaking.

Tell me how

I think there's being inhibited and being more than a bit unaware as to just what is going on in a particular circumstance. Have you seen someone spend their final few hours in a bed waiting for the end?
They are generally incredibly weak and may have breathing tubes and/or other apparatus attached to them. In many cases they have little awareness of their surroundings as they drift in and out of consciousness.
If you are lying beside someone, you are not going to be just able to give them a kiss, you will have to lean over them and likely put weight with your body on theirs. That is not going to be ideal I imagine, in most cases.

I'd settle more for people being more inhibited in every day life. How often do you see a couple who are married 12 or 15 years holding hands walking in to a restaurant on a regular Wednesday evening or whatever.

When my time comes, if I'm lucky enough to have someone who I have been intimate with nearby, I'd settle for them being there and me being able to hear their voice and feel them hold my hand.

blueshade

_Brian wrote: »

And BOOM, just like that AH reaches yet another new deprived low.

Ah come on, people use dark humour when it comes to death, it's not disrespectful and it's not as if the poster would make that joke in a real life situation. Lighten up a little, it's after hours not personal issues.

wakka12

AllForIt wrote: »

I think literally getting into bed with someone who's about to pop their clogs is a bit odd tbh.

I dont think so. I think it's beautiful. You've always done that with your spouse, you still love them, why stop just because theyre dying? Death shouldnt stop you showing your love for one another, it should be the one time you do anything you can to show how much you love each other. Not a time for being restricted by ridiculous social norms and self inhibition at the expense of your emotional expression.

Dr. Bre

I’d love to go out with a Big Bang..