Pulling away from sister but afraid of losing parents...

Fambam2019

I am one of 7 and myself and one of my sisters are the only sisters living in this country. Because of this, our 'closeness' has been by default.
I am going to try and be as neutral as I can with my story but as the saying goes, there's always three sides to a story...
My sister is an extremely negative, downtrodden, always the victim type of person. She has lost numerous friends and partners because of this. Everyone in the family walks on eggshells around her in fear of her losing the plot.
Over the last 15+ years, we have been 'close'. We babysit for each other, go to gigs etc.
I'm using close in quotes as I never really felt close to her but felt I had to be in her life because we are the only sisters living in this country.

Here's the thing - she lives with my parents, along with her three children. Its a three bed house. My parents allowed her to move back home over 9 years ago when her relationship broke down and she's still there. She uses every excuse under the roof as to why she cant move out. I'd be here all day if I went into it any further. She bullies my parents, speaks awful to them and she has pretty much taken over the house. They are in their mid 70's.

My parents, I believe, are conditioned to her treatment of them and the constantly make excuses for her....other family members are also aware and do/say nothing.

Anyways, she recently did something that caused stress for me and another sister and it was never really dealt with. I saw her last week and I completely flipped. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I lost the plot. Everything just bubbled up for me - her treatment of me and others, her negativity, her ability to be an absolute b**ch and get away with it.

I felt so bad as my parents got caught up in it and my little boy was there. I don't know what I was saying because when I get angry, a fog comes over me and I rant. This is why I avoid confrontation like the plague. She thrives on it. I also raised my fist to her. Wasn't going to hit her but it happened. And I feel so horrible that it happened. I let myself down. I let my son down by acting irrational in front of him. I don't feel bad that I yelled at her though.

I've decided to take a wide berth and after talking to my partner and close friends (who have been privy to her behaviour over the years), we all agree that this has been coming and its time to move away from her.

Has anybody ever successfully pulled away from a family member while maintaining positive relationships with the other family members?

I know this post is kind of vague in terms of what she has done over the years but I think its irrelevant at this stage....I just need to cut the chord between us but I don't want it to become this massive family 'thing'.....thank you for reading.

Upforthematch

That's a really tough situation OP and my heart goes out to you.

Honestly, and I know you are not going to like the sound of this, but if you really don't want this to be become a massive family thing, you might consider apologising to her and your parents for flipping out.

Once you have done that.... then cut the chord slowly. If your parents are willing to have her live in the house there is really nothing you can do about it. If you leave things as they are you will look like the unreasonable one no matter how unfair it sounds.

the14thwarrior

family members do this all the time.

they either make a big deal of it, and let everyone know whenever they can that they are doing it........ which causes upset, stress, gossip, hard work all around.

some people just do it slowly and not so obviously and its more difficult to do, but can be done. very easily.

I have a sister that I'm pleasant to when she is around, not rude, not overly nice, but just kinda yeah, how are you, but i don't engage, don't offer help, always have an excuse ready, never do favours for, just a combination of the grey rock treatment and vague disinterest. I did speak to my brother about it, because we are close and i let him know that she has upset me greatly over the years, and I love her because she is my sister, but i don't like her. and if wants to tell the rest of the family, so be it. i just did not.

since none of your sisters live in this country, it should be no big deal. You are not your sisters keeper. But you can live your life away from her, without unduly upsetting your parents and your family.

I wouldn't worry about having the fight with her. its normal, yeah, its not something you do, but we do. backed into a corner. no harm, and maybe it taught her a lesson. actually very hard not to have done something like this sooner, so please give yourself a break