I don't have any friends

LegacyUser

I'm posting this as I'm just so lonely.

I'm 26 (female) and I don't have any friends. I have a few acquaintances, I'm a member of the odd Whatsapp group but I don't have anyone to do anything with. I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now and I'm sure he often wonders why I don't do anything with any friends.

At lot of the issues can be traced back to my childhood- one of my parents was an alcoholic unfortunately so I was a very unhappy child who greatly mistrusted everyone. Both of my parents have suffered from depression so I suppose that I was never a very happy child, always worrying about one thing or another. We didn't have a lot of money so I always remember feeling really embarrassed about our house/ car and trying to keep to myself so nobody ever found out. I was always very paranoid about anyone finding out about my parent drinking so I have always been reluctant to divulge many personal details, which I suppose is a bit ridiculous now but I can't really help it. I remember being called "secretive" in third class and I suppose I could be called the same today, though I'd prefer "discreet!" A lot of my memories from primary school are of me crying (because of family issues but I never told anyone why) and I remember in sixth class that people used to sing that Akon "lonely" song at me because I had nobody to hang around with.

My parents never really had many friends either and I wasn't really allowed to have people over to my house when I was young. I was a member of various nice groups in secondary school but we don't really speak anymore, most of them have moved on and have big groups of friends now that they do things with at the weekend, and I'm so jealous of them and unhappy.

Unfortunately I also find that, probably because of my childhood issues I tend to gravitate to people I feel "safe" in the comfort of, who generally are around 30 years older than me. I find it a lot easier to talk to older people, which doesn't help my case either. I know that I am a nice, kind and caring person and if you met me you'd probably think I was really chatty.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel so unhappy, I'm stuck in on yet another Saturday night and I'm crying again because I really have nobody to do anything with. None of my boyfriend's friends have girlfriends so I can't even tag along / double date. I live in a small town so it's not that I can really join something new to meet people through. I recently moved into a new apartment with my boyfriend and I'm hoping he forgets about ever wanting a housewarming because I have nobody to invite. I also find myself hoping that we never get engaged because, yet again, I have nobody to invite to a hen party/ wedding. I know it all sounds so ridiculous but I'm in floods of tears. I know this pales in comparison to other issues but I just feel so down and useless. I know that my lack of a social life has been discussed by a few acquaintances who called me a recluse. I'd really appreciate any help.

never_mind

OP, do you not have anyone from school or college that you could reconnect with and start a friendship with? I also think counselling might do you the world of good as it sounds like your self esteem is low.

Rashers Big Log

Chin up OP ! I’d say more people than you realise can relate to much of what you’ve posted. Feeling lonely sucks but luckily it’s usually very temporary. Do you have any hobbies or even interests you’d like to pursue but haven’t? Don’t know if you’re into sports or art but there are many clubs and such where you can meet like minded people.

I’ve also found volunteering can be a great way to meet people and also just lift your mood in general. If all else fails, why not treat yourself if you’re feeling down and go see a film you’ve been wanting to see or even go for a walk.

I’m willing to bet there are many more people who care about you than you realise, maybe even reaching out to someone you’ve lost touch with from school could surprise you - often people get “too busy” to maintain friendships that when one side reaches out are rekindled. Whatever you do, best of luck!

Graces7

Rashers Big Log wrote: »

Chin up OP ! I’d say more people than you realise can relate to much of what you’ve posted. Feeling lonely sucks but luckily it’s usually very temporary. Do you have any hobbies or even interests you’d like to pursue but haven’t? Don’t know if you’re into sports or art but there are many clubs and such where you can meet like minded people.

I’ve also found volunteering can be a great way to meet people and also just lift your mood in general. If all else fails, why not treat yourself if you’re feeling down and go see a film you’ve been wanting to see or even go for a walk.

I’m willing to bet there are many more people who care about you than you realise, maybe even reaching out to someone you’ve lost touch with from school could surprise you - often people get “too busy” to maintain friendships that when one side reaches out are rekindled. Whatever you do, best of luck!

Agree totally with the para bolded above

But the most important thing is maybe to make friends with YOU. Love yourself, be kind to YOU.

Daisy78

I was pretty much in your position at 26. Had a long term boyfriend but no real social circle, anyone I did hang out with was through him, his sisters, friends girlfriends, etc But I never counted them as friends as such and would frequently get very upset by the whole thing. Looking up old friends wasn’t an option either. They were living in different cities and by my mid twenties we had very much drifted apart. I became overly reliant on my relationship and gave up trying to connect with new people. When the relationship ended I found myself very much out on my own with not a clue how to make the situation better. I knew I was a good person but I found myself in circumstances which weren’t (completely) of my making. On top of the loneliness there is shame, how do you explain to people that you don’t have any friends? It’s the new taboo, particularly with the onset of social media which makes people feel like a pariah if they don’t have a huge social circle. I felt unwanted and (not to be too dramatic) cast out.

Now in my forties I count myself lucky to have lovely people in my life who I count as close friends. It is one of the things I am most grateful for in my life and which I never take for granted. But it took persistence and a little bit of courage to get to this point. Like you I’m a bit of introvert and a couple of bad experiences when I was younger made me anxious and distrustful of others (particularly other women). I think I also felt perhaps I wasn’t worthy of others people friendship. I think this is something I recognise in your post, the way you describe your upbringing it almost feels like you don’t think that your good enough. But you are! The good news is you can make friends at any stage of life, just because you don’t have any at 26 doesn’t mean you won’t have any at 36 or even 30. So my advice is this:

1. Confront your past and your feelings about your parents and your upbringing. I’m cynical about counsellors at the best of times but I think you can see yourself how it may be coming into play with how you interact with others and how you perceive yourself. Talking this through with someone might help you to deal with your experiences to date and how you can gain more confidence in your interactions with people.

2. Realise that you will meet plenty of people who you don’t click or who won’t click with you. Don’t become discouraged if an initial acquaintance doesn’t become something more. This happens all the time, chalk it up to experience.

3. Look at how you spend your free time, do you have hobbies, interests? Do you volunteer? If there is nothing in the town you are in then can you travel (even occasionally) to a bigger town/city where there is stuff going on?

4. Work - is there any social groups you could join? Connect with former workmates, catch up for a drink or coffee?

5. Take the lead in organising things, don’t wait for someone else to do it. Could be a night out or weekend away. Be brave.

6. Get to know your neighbours, join community events, volunteer locally.

I just wanted to reply to your post because I remember feeling exactly as you did. To use that awful phrase, put yourself out there, be brave. Forget about weddings and hen parties and focus on how you can make your situation better. This means being more proactive than you are now, it might mean you need to take yourself out of your comfort zone a little but the outcome is worth it in the end!

the14thwarrior

there was little you could do about your life when you were younger, and i feel sorry for you. at your age people often stay with the friends they made when they were younger, or were lucky to get in with a group / college / old friends.

you are bound to feel left out, lonely, and afraid of what the future may hold.

i didn't have a 21st party for that same reason, i was so afraid no one would come, because i had so few personal friends and wasn't in "a gang". I've never had a party.

but when i got older i did make friends, i volunteered and built up a social circle slowly from that and from another activity.
i don't have a lot of friends but one or two.

i do think things will get better, hopefully in time.
but if they don't, you are a victim of your circumstance to date, but don't become one for the future

wiggle16

Hi OP

I actually felt upset for you reading your post, which doesn't happen often to me. There is no need in this day and age for anyone to be lonely. It's a terrible feeling and I am really so sorry that you feel this way.

I don't have very much to add to the advice given so far. But this part of your post stuck out at me like a sore thumb:

I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now and I'm sure he often wonders why I don't do anything with any friends.

It's not completely clear from your post, but does your boyfriend know how much this is distressing you? If not, it's not something you should keep from him either. I would be heartbroken if I found out that my partner sat alone crying every other night and never told me. You should tell him how you're feeling if he doesn't know.

Obviously it's not something he can fix, but if he is quite social himself then that's something you can both put to good use - going to parties and stuff with him will create opportunities to meet new people.

I would strongly second the suggestion to take up a new activity, it really is a great way to meet people and you can be sure there will be other people taking part for the social aspect of it too.

Do try to get back in touch with the friends you have drifted from in the past as well, and try to arrange a get-together of the people in the Whatsapp groups. If nothing comes of it, don't get disheartened by that - people grow apart and that's just a part of life. But you have nothing to lose by getting in touch with people and catching up and seeing where it goes.

Get yourself out there. I wish you the very best of luck

appledrop

Please dont get up hope op. It sounds like you had a very tough upbringing + please understand that would have affected you + that's why you have found it hard to make friends. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. It would be natural that you are wary of people + in a sense pushed them away as a teenager due to family circumstances.

You dont mention about your job but it would be quite common at your age for work friends to become good friends. At your age a lot of people naturally drift from school friends + I have seen a lot of people at work around this age link up + socialise a lot. If this is not an option as others said you really should look into volunteering or taking up a course during the evening that you have an interest in.

You need to find people your own age as older people while lovely are going to have families/ kids etc + wont have the time to socialise.

Please dont give up hope you sound like a lovely person who is very strong to have come through everything you have with your family. Do consider counselling if you never had any support up to now.

AOHopeful2019

I really feel for you OP, i was in the same situation myself a few years ago. I had no friends from school and only a few from college who were never really up for going out or meeting up.

I ended up making great friends in my last job about 2 years ago with two girls in my office. I'm incredibly shy but I made the effort to organise nights out, coffee after work or going to gigs and now we're all very close. As a result I've become friendly with their other friends and now have a group to go away with for my 30th next month, something I couldn't have imagined doing 2 years ago.

I wish you the best OP and know that things will get better!

santana75

Op I couldve written your post myself. My parents weren't alcoholics but there were other issues that resulted in a family situation such as yourself. I remember never having anybody over to the house because I was afraid of them seeing the truth. I learned how to cover things up, especially myself, and create a false self. And I think thats the crux of your problem, you wont allow anyone to see the real you for fear of being judged, rejected etc. What happened to you as a child was unfair and not your fault but you absolutely can turn this around and create meaningful and real connections. You have to be willing to not hide yourself and strip away the layers of protection. Which will be frightening, make no mistake about it, you'll fight yourself on this one, like a part of you wants to stay hidden and not be vulnerable. You will literally have to do the opposite to everything you feel like doing, you'll have to face your fears. You'll face rejection, judgement, abandonment......all of it, but you have to keep pushing through that and not give up. What I will say is that once you commit and dont give up, you will get there in the end. Life has a way of rewarding courage and people willing to face their deepest fears. I think the main problem is seeing your own self destructive patterns and the ways you protect yourself, your blind spots. Once you become aware of your blind spots then you'll be able to work through them.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here. Thanks so much for your kind replies, I really appreciate it. Since the post I initiated meet ups with three different people, unfortunately nothing came of it but at least I tried. In relation to work, unfortunately I work remotely so I don't really have that option at the moment. In the past I have worked in places and I shamefully have gotten on a lot better with the older staff than people my own age, I suppose because I didn't feel that they maybe judged me as much. Thanks again everyone, I'll keep trying to organise social meetings anyway and hopefully someone will oblige me

wiggle16

nofriendslonely wrote: »

In the past I have worked in places and I shamefully have gotten on a lot better with the older staff than people my own age, I suppose because I didn't feel that they maybe judged me as much

Nothing shameful about it! I absolutely hate this cliché but it's still true: age is nothing else but a number. I'm 31. One of my closest friends is 50, and I've known her for 12 years. She can drink me under the table. I know it's ideal to have friends your own age, but don't set limits on yourself either. Friends come in all shapes, sizes and vintages! :P

I'm actually really glad to hear you got in touch with people. Often there's a reason people grow apart and it just won't rekindle, but keep at it.

Working remotely has advantages but it can also be very isolating unless you're on the road or something. That might be something to think about in the long term.

Airyfairy12

Hi OP I felt compelled to reply to your post.
At your age I was in a similar situation, tbh it went for years and greatly effected my self esteem and confidence - in hindsight my lack of self esteem effected my relationships and friendship making skills which further damaged my self esteem and the cycle continued. I feel like, from reading your post, you didnt build healthy relationships at home while also didnt get the opportunity to build healthy relationships outside the home (id a very similar experience) and this effected your ability to make friends later in life.
As another posted mentioned, id also be quite cynical about counselors but if you have things in your head that you need to vent about and want a safe space to do so, counselling is a great place to do that. You would really want to look at your self esteem and issues with insecurity, id also suggest looking into boundaries, enmeshment and transnational therapy, maybe you could research these things yourself.
As mentioned, theres such a big stigma around having no friends or few friends and being lonely, like theres something wrong with you.
For me it was a combination of living remotely, unable to work (because of living remotely) and terribly low self esteem that caused mental health issues.
Since moving I started working and have since reconnected with old friends and made new ones, 3 years ago I thought id be alone and isolated forever but now everyday im busy and have plans every weekend. Things do change but you just need to be bit gritty and resilient and focus on making the change. It wont happen over night but everything changes eventually.

You really have to put yourself out there and make time for people, start developing a life for yourself outside of your boyfriend, id definitely suggest getting some hobbies and interests that dont involve him or the relationship but are all about you, could be anything at all doesnt even have to involve other people, I just think it would be great for you to start carving out your own identity that isnt wrapped up in your boyfriend.

wattlebird

Hi OP, have you ever tried the Bumble app? Probably not if you have a boyfriend, but you can change the settings from "dating" to "BFF" where it brings up other girls who are looking for friends, rather than men looking for dates. You can swipe and message in exactly the same way you would on Tinder. I live in the UK now, but my best friend in Dublin has made a few good friends from it. I've been meaning to try it myself as I'm also in a bit of a social rut! I think it would also be good for quieter types who might struggle in group settings (I know I do). Good luck.

LegacyUser

You could try using Meetup.com I am in a very similar boat. People find it hard to deal with me as I have aspergers/ocd and soMetimes people find it hard to deal with. The reason I love Meetup is that you can find like minded people depending on the group. I like to think I am somewhat normal and I just find it great to be able to talk to people. They may not like me but at least I give it a go.