What should I do about this? Continue friendship or not?

I am me123

Good evening all,

Just looking for some constructive advice on a situation.

Basically, of late, I feel that an old 'friend' who I have known for a couple of years is not really a friend. But they don't seem to get the subtle hint that I no longer want to continue the friendship. Over time, I felt the friendship just became so toxic and overwhelming.
This person has displayed some very what you may call 'erratic' behaviours. For example, they seem a bit of a 'party animal' and outside of work, a full working week of nearly 40 hours, Monday to Friday, they are constantly going out every night after work, and all day and night at weekends.
They ask me to 'tag along' because they have recently come out of a long term relationship, ( and I barely ever seen them for dust when their boyfriend was on the scene) and not only that, they get very 'miffed' and borderline verbally abusive when I can't go for whatever reason, to the point I feel they are 'telling me what to do' in a bossy, overbearing way, and telling me how to run my life.When they had a boyfriend, and spent all their free time outside work with them, and I never made an issue of them not being able to meet up as often as I would have liked, but it seems when I can't meet for whatever reason, I am accused of 'not making the effort', but it was ok for them to do the same to me. Also, anytime we'd talk on the phone, this person would never let me get a word in edge ways, insistent on dominating the whole conversation, talking at a rapid lightening speed, making everything all about them.
I recently confronted them, about how crazy their behaviour was and they again got very defensive, and more or less told me to lighten up. I then blocked them on all social media and on phone also, as I found their behaviour too much to bear anymore.
After this argument and subsequent blocking, ( we have n't spoken in three months) they have now started trying to message members of my family (who they barely know and have literally spoken to once in their life for about half an hour) on social media, trying to get in contact with me, after I made it clear I wanted nothing more to do with them.
What should I do??

Thanks.

ILoveYourVibes

I think you have made it clear that you don't want them to be around you. I think you just have to ignore them.

Your friend seems crazy.

Paddy Cow

Your "friend" seems very selfish and you were right to block them. The friendship ran it's course and it's bizarre they would start contacting your family members. Don't respond as it will only feed their need for attention. Get your family members to block them as well. They should get the message eventually and move on.

tara73

how did your family members react? did they not tell them to get lost and stop harassing them in a very firm way and then ignoring all other messages?

Also, your thread title is confusing, 'continue friendship or not', it's past this stage I think, the question is 'how do I stop this person from harassing me any further'. Your family members need to block them everywhere too.

Paddy Cow

tara73 wrote: »

how did your family members react? did they not tell them to get lost and stop harassing them in a very firm way and then ignoring all other messages?

Also, your thread title is confusing, 'continue friendship or not', it's past this stage I think, the question is 'how do I stop this person from harassing me any further'. Your family members need to block them everywhere too.

Exactly. Your ex friend sounds very unstable with boundary issues.

I am me123

Thanks all.

This person, in the latter end ended up trying to 'pick fights' with me, and blaming me for decisions that they made, freely of their own accord, saying for example, 'you never stopped me from doing x,y and z', even though this person is a grown adult, who is responsible for making their own decisions, and obviously regretted them, then tried to blame me.

As for the constant contact, they will try once or twice in a month to either call me directly ( I blocked them three months ago from all social media and phone calls and texts) or failing that, they will send my family member social media messages, getting them to ask me to call them. It's like I am 'under siege' from them, and they just won't get the hint. In the past two weeks they have been trying this tactic, and I am sure they will 'have another go' next week.
It's driving me mad.

zapper55

Its harassment. I'd tell them if they dont stop contacting me and my family I'm going to the guards.

MissShihTzu

Do you know where this person lives? Do you know their family? I hate the thought of tit for tat, but maybe you could send a message to one of their family members politely asking that you be left alone or you will involve the Gards.

Paddy Cow

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Do you know where this person lives? Do you know their family? I hate the thought of tit for tat, but maybe you could send a message to one of their family members politely asking that you be left alone or you will involve the Gards.

I know you mean well but I don't think this is good advice. If the behaviour of the ex friend escalates and the op needs to get the Guards involved, all they'll see is literally "tit for tat" and brush it off. If the op cuts off all contact and so does their family, they'll have a much stronger case if the ex friend's behaviour gets to the point where they need to involve the Gards.

I am me123

Thanks for the replies.
They tried calling me again tonight (even though I blocked their number over two months ago).. they've tried this on and off in the past 2 months. ( I can see their number in my missed calls in call log) . Don't know what they hope to gain seeing as I cut contact months ago. Its just insane. Its like they're trying to wear me down until I unblock them.

Idle Passerby

I am me123 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
They tried calling me again tonight (even though I blocked their number over two months ago).. they've tried this on and off in the past 2 months. ( I can see their number in my missed calls in call log) . Don't know what they hope to gain seeing as I cut contact months ago. Its just insane. Its like they're trying to wear me down until I unblock them.

I've experienced this. It continued for a full 12 months after I initially blocked the person. They showed up at my house and workplace when calling me failed. It's the behaviour of an unhinged person. Of course you shouldn't rekindle the friendship! Report it to the guards if your feeling unnerved by it and let your friends and family know they shouldn't entertain this person either.

the14thwarrior

You need them out of your life.

i don't know if you need to text them again, and be very short and concise with something like "our friendship has run its course, I wish you well" or similar.

they are a bit unhinged, but consider if you actually did tell them the friendship is over, or if you were trying to and it ended up in a big venting of all the wrongs they did, and the "our friendship is over" bit got lost in smoke. And they need to be told again.

No doubt you told them, and no doubt in your head it is over, but they may need a short reminder from yourself to that effect.
no argument, no counter claims of why and I'll do better, and sure you are just jelous and all of that. No answering back, just another statement from yourself, very short and simple and clear.

They may be just want to have that final fight with you, they may think its another "mad, insane issue to deal with and gosh, is she stupid or what?"

MissShihTzu

Paddy Cow wrote: »

I know you mean well but I don't think this is good advice. If the behaviour of the ex friend escalates and the op needs to get the Guards involved, all they'll see is literally "tit for tat" and brush it off. If the op cuts off all contact and so does their family, they'll have a much stronger case if the ex friend's behaviour gets to the point where they need to involve the Gards.

Well, no. I would assume that the OP does have a record of when this person tried to contact her, and would have that to show to the Gards if and when they have to contact them. So a polite message first, followed by a visit to the Gards if that doesn't work. How could that be seen as tit for tat, when all the contact is on one side?

BlackandGreen

Any chance they're doing a lot of cocaine? As an ex stimulant addict this kind of behavior sounds very similar.

I am me123

Thanks everyone.

This person is also the type to have the façade that they are innocent in their behaviour, and always trying to 'get one up' or an 'advantage over me, and hoping that I am too slow to notice what they're up to, in the past, always taking the p** out of me in front of mutual acquaintances, under the guise of a 'joke', and when I express my annoyance at what they were doing they just say they were 'just having the craic'. :mad:

ManOfMystery

BlackandGreen wrote: »

Any chance they're doing a lot of cocaine? As an ex stimulant addict this kind of behavior sounds very similar.

Thought this myself; erratic, non-stop partying, talking non-stop at lightning speed, aggressive, etc - sounds like they're on something.

nikkibikki

Can you just unblock them for one minute and send a text saying these 3 things:

-Your friendship is no longer possible
-Stop attempting to contact you, directly and through your family members
-If harassment continues, you will have no hesitation but to report it to Gardaí.

Block again straight away.

You could even have the text typed out and just copy and paste it real quick and block again.

99nsr125

I am me123 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
They tried calling me again tonight (even though I blocked their number over two months ago).. they've tried this on and off in the past 2 months. ( I can see their number in my missed calls in call log) . Don't know what they hope to gain seeing as I cut contact months ago. Its just insane. Its like they're trying to wear me down until I unblock them.

What you are looking for is to resolve this.

The best way is to meet somewhere public and neutral with someone with you as back up and calmly deal with it. Otherwise it remains unresolved and you'll carry the uneasiness of meeting them sometime. It's far from the easiest approach but is the most effective.

I am me123

99nsr125 wrote: »

What you are looking for is to resolve this.

The best way is to meet somewhere public and neutral with someone with you as back up and calmly deal with it. Otherwise it remains unresolved and you'll carry the uneasiness of meeting them sometime. It's far from the easiest approach but is the most effective.

Well from the replies it just confirmed my suspiscions about this person that its best to avoid, no point looking for a resolve as they are unlikely to change their personality.

99nsr125

I am me123 wrote: »

Well from the replies it just confirmed my suspiscions about this person that its best to avoid, no point looking for a resolve as they are unlikely to change their personality.

You're resolving it for you not for them, you will have faced them, talked to them, with support by your side.


A good quote from 'Management, Systems and Society: An introduction'

"Sometimes simply being able to express one's feelings to a concerned and understanding listener is enough to relieve frustration and make it possible for an individual to advance to a problem-solving frame of mind"

Listening will resolve not only your problem but maybe there's too

Sardonicat

99nsr125 wrote: »

You're resolving it for you not for them, you will have faced them, talked to them, with support by your side.


A good quote from 'Management, Systems and Society: An introduction'

"Sometimes simply being able to express one's feelings to a concerned and understanding listener is enough to relieve frustration and make it possible for an individual to advance to a problem-solving frame of mind"

Listening will resolve not only your problem but maybe there's too

This wouldn't be expressing their feelings to a concerned and friendly listener! The individual knows full well that OP no longer wants contact and is trying to force the issue. No way would I advise speaking to this person or even texting them. Most likely they would get worse. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If threats or intimidation start then go to the gards. Never engage directly.

El_Duderino 09

I am me123 wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

This person is also the type to have the façade that they are innocent in their behaviour, and always trying to 'get one up' or an 'advantage over me, and hoping that I am too slow to notice what they're up to, in the past, always taking the p** out of me in front of mutual acquaintances, under the guise of a 'joke', and when I express my annoyance at what they were doing they just say they were 'just having the craic'. :mad:

Why not just make contact. Tell them that sometimes friendships just run their course and this friendship has run its course. Tell them to stop calling and wish them best of luck

It's not your job to give them feedback on their friendship techniques and you don't need argue the toss about anything that happened in the past. You could do it in writing or a text or a call. But you really don't need to put up with their nonsense.

99nsr125

Sardonicat wrote: »

This wouldn't be expressing their feelings to a concerned and friendly listener! The individual knows full well that OP no longer wants contact and is trying to force the issue. No way would I advise speaking to this person or even texting them. Most likely they would get worse. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If threats or intimidation start then go to the gards. Never engage directly.

Ignoring an issue just allows it to remain an issue without an end. You don't have to solve their problem but you must at least face it for yourself.

Sardonicat

99nsr125 wrote: »

Ignoring an issue just allows it to remain an issue without an end. You don't have to solve their problem but you must at least face it for yourself.

They are not ignoring an issue, they are ignoring a person who is engaging in unreasonable and harassing behaviour. Engaging with such an individual even just to state you no longer want contact usually results in an increase of the unwanted behaviour. They will demand an explanation. If they get one the next demand is to be given a second chance. They get increasingly angry and persistent. Anyone who persistently tries to contact someone for months without a response already knows they are not wanted. At this stage they are just angry about it and wanting to cause drama.

99nsr125

Sardonicat wrote: »

They are not ignoring an issue, they are ignoring a person who is engaging in unreasonable and harassing behaviour. Engaging with such an individual even just to state you no longer want contact usually results in an increase of the unwanted behaviour. They will demand an explanation. If they get one the next demand is to be given a second chance. They get increasingly angry and persistent. Anyone who persistently tries to contact someone for months without a response already knows they are not wanted. At this stage they are just angry about it and wanting to cause drama.

It's the same thing, poor behaviour is not acceptable but you face it for yourself not for them.

You learn how to deal with a difficult situation. You gain strength and confidence from doing so making the next time easier. If you don't there is a very real risk of this becoming your standard response hampering you and your abilities.

Sardonicat

99nsr125 wrote: »

It's the same thing, poor behaviour is not acceptable but you face it for yourself not for them.

You learn how to deal with a difficult situation. You gain strength and confidence from doing so making the next time easier. If you don't there is a very real risk of this becoming your standard response hampering you and your abilities.

The standard response to stalking and harassment is to ignore it. It is the advice given by police and mental health professionals who know a sight more about it than the authors of books on management.

cloudatlas

Yes I think meeting face to face with this person would be foolish. I think the O.P. is doing the right thing and just has to hold steady in their approach to not contact this person and to tell family members not to reply to this person, they clearly have a lot of issues.

99nsr125

Sardonicat wrote: »

The standard response to stalking and harassment is to ignore it. It is the advice given by police and mental health professionals who know a sight more about it than the authors of books on management.

No the standard response is a safety or risk assessment.

There are a number of factors and aspects assessed.

'Should I tell the person stalking me to leave me alone?

Remember!
Stopping contact with a stalker may lead to an escalation in their behaviour and put a victim at increased risk. This should be considered in any safety plans that are made.

- A stalker needs to understand that their behaviour is unwanted and you want it to
stop. Communicate this clearly, firmly, in a way that is safe for you to do so'

In this incidence it has started to involve other people, that is a factor in safety plans.

So with someone as support you pick somewhere neutral and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable.


The above is an extract from

Guidance for Professionals on
Identifying and Responding to
Stalking and Stalking Clinic
Protocol

By Sophie Jarrett
A Police Domestic Abuse and Sexual Violence Strategic Coordinator

cloudatlas

99nsr125 wrote: »

No the standard response is a safety or risk assessment.

There are a number of factors and aspects assessed.

'Should I tell the person stalking me to leave me alone?

Remember!
Stopping contact with a stalker may lead to an escalation in their behaviour and put a victim at increased risk. This should be considered in any safety plans that are made.

- A stalker needs to understand that their behaviour is unwanted and you want it to
stop. Communicate this clearly, firmly, in a way that is safe for you to do so'

In this incidence it has started to involve other people, that is a factor in safety plans.

So with someone as support you pick somewhere neutral and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable.


The above is an extract from

Guidance for Professionals on
Identifying and Responding to
Stalking and Stalking Clinic
Protocol

By Sophie Jarrett
A Police Domestic Abuse and Sexual Violence Strategic Coordinator

I just looked at a lot of websites on stalking behaviour and nowhere did it advise to meet up with your stalker.

I am me123

Thanks everyone.

This person has been, in the past, displayed 'drama queen' like behaviours, and behaving like they know better than everyone else in the world, that they are better than everyone else out there, seem to have a lot of problems and issues, coming up with manufactured dramas to make their life more interesting than everyone else's, and everyone else is only a slow coach in their busy life, by comparison, and I always had the sneaked suspiscion that they have been talking about me to acquaintances behind my back.