Is she serious or not?

LegacyUser

Hi all
Sorry for the long message. I’m with my girlfriend 18months now. We’ve moved in and everything is going great.i work In IT I’ve gone through a new job which has me in a situation we’re I am quite content in a way that I can easily forward plan. We have discussed we’re we see each other’s future and that we want to get married:have kids : buy a house etc...
Here is the thing, for my gf she is starting to struggle. A lot of that comes down to money. I completely understand and try my best to avoid putting her in situations where she is under pressure financially. Here is there thing however...she works in childcare and earns at best 25K a year(she doesn’t get paid for school holidays and has a roll on 9 month contract where she signs on for 3 months a year. We are in our 30s and Iv tried getting her mind around a securer job. I cannot help thinking based on our differences financially speaking she is not ready or doesn’t quite want to walk the walk...she loves what she does and I love her for that but when it comes to moving forward as quick as possible I get ye feeling she might not have thought it would be so hard. She seems quite happy go lucky whist I would be quite (I need x amount of money by year y) I earn more than double her but I don’t want that to be a drive away...any suggestions?

woodchuck

OP I think you have things backwards. From the sounds of things, YOU are the one who has doubts about getting serious, due to her financial situation.

It's possible she's actually quite happy in her job and any doubts she might have about the relationship is because you're putting pressure on her to change jobs. Maybe childcare is her passion. What kind of jobs are you encouraging her to get - are you expecting a total career change?

I'm not saying it's not challenging when one person earns more than the other, but I think you need to be looking at making your current situation work. What way will your finances work when you get married - would you be happy to pool your resources?

Squatman

Sounds like she has a job she loves, who are you to tell her to change. 25k in 9 months is approx 32k annualised. Thats more than a lot of people. You need to be happy with that, or come up with a way that earns her more money doing something she wants to do.

zapper55

You say you dont want to put her under financial pressure but want her to change jobs to make more money. That's pressure. Maybe she doesnt place the same value on money that you do.

One thing I would question is the 9 month thing. Creches are open 12 months a year, is she working in a school perhaps?

Even if moving to a creche was an option maybe she likes where she is. I think you need to have an honest conversation with her before you drive her away.

You can only ask her and base your decision on a definite response. Her being happy to coast will affect your future too so it’s worth thinking about, but you need to know for definite.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

Opposites are sometimes a good thing and think of it if she loves what she does she's happy.

All those summers off and childcare will be handy for those future babies too.

You'll find a way to work it out if it's meant to be, each of your salaries shouldn't be a big factor.

Shybride2016

Your girlfriend sounds like she has the same job as me. Crap money yes but when you have kids, it all balances out.

You don’t say how many hours she works for that salary but projecting my own situation for a moment, I started working in a preschool when my youngest started primary school. Our childcare costs are zero because apart from a day or two here and there where my husband has to take an annual leave day to cover, I have all the same holidays as the kids - zero childcare costs. I finish work before they’re finished school so I can drop them and collect them - no childcare costs.

This situation works for us as a family because genuinely if we both worked full time we’d spend a fortune in childcare for our kids and it would be a disaster logistically tbh.

Yes it places an added financial burden on my husband to be the main earner but last year I had the opportunity for a part time job working remotely and between my two jobs and his full-time role we are finally getting to the point where we are earning the same amount together before we had kids.

Also, working with kids is a privilege and many people I know working in the same type of job absolutely love their work apart from the usual stresses and strains etc but again please don’t discount her happiness and fulfilment in her job.

If there is a huge disparity in your joint current income and what you’d need to be saving for house, family etc, it may be a good time for her to look for another part-time job (if she’s not already working in childcare full-time) to boost her income until such a time as you’ll be making post-baby return to work decisions and plans.

Best of luck with it all.

Kidchameleon

She has the perfect job already if you plan on having kids together. She seems to have a good balance of work and home life, almost perfect for a new mother.



If she were to change jobs now, she would need at least a couple of years to work her way up to a decent salary. The problem with that is, she is in her 30's, how many fertile years has she got left? Not many...

rtron

What is her attitude to money? If the 25K is being spent wisely and some thought into savings for rainy days then that is good right?
If down the line you have kids and she has the same career, ye could save a fortune in childcare costs yourselves.

waxmelts2000

The fact that she loves her job is a plus ( not many people can say that) , I understand money is an issue but if you are asking her to change jobs to make more money then she may not be as happy in that and it could therefore impact your relationship in the future

Princess Calla

When you say she's starting to struggle, can you give some solid examples?

I can only echo what others have said. If you do have kids together her work hours will be a godsend.

I wouldn't be happy if a boyfriend started hassling me to change jobs because of his desire for me to earn more money.

Finances can really be a contentious issue in a relationship. So as another poster asked what is she spending her money on? I appreciate that's her own business but I also appreciate if she's blowing it on frivolous unnecessary stuff and then saying she can't afford to pay for dinner etc it becomes an issue for you.

I do think that you need to find a way to reconcile yourself to her not leaving her job and what that means. Is this a dealbreaker issue?

lainey_d_123

I can see both sides on this one.

A lot of people who work in IT don't seem to realise just how much money they earn compared to the average salary. I'm a developer (late career change in my thirties) and even though I'm still a junior, I earn more than I ever have in my life, despite having worked in professional roles and having a Master's. I worked with people who have never worked in any other field and regularly hear them say they feel underpaid on 80,000 euro. This is baffling to me, but these guys have been earning good money since their early twenties so are out of touch with the 'norm' and (imo) quite entitled/spoiled regarding lifestyle and money. I think you are underestimating just how difficult it is for the average person to earn anything like that much, or even just a bit over average. A lot of fields are really underpaid.

The other side of the coin is that you can't really just expect to choose a job you enjoy and then expect your higher earning partner to subsidise you. That's entitled and spoiled in its own way as well. High earning jobs are often high earning for a reason - they involve a lot of skill, a lot of pressure or a lot of unsociable hours (sometimes all three). You can't really choose an easy job and then still expect to be able to buy a nice house, go on long haul holidays, etc. I don't think so, anyway. Certainly not unless the other partner is willing and happy to cover your costs, and it doesn't sound like you really are.

One thing is sure and that's that you don't seem to realise that you can't just 'get' a better paid job just like that. A career change takes time. Does she have skills and education outside working in a creche? I took quite a fast track course into becoming a developer and it still took me the guts of two years in total to actually make it happen, and I'm still a junior. The only feasible option might be to do as someone else suggested and ask about her taking on a second part-time job to try to fill some of the gap, but I can't see it being particularly lucrative tbh.

Shybride2016

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

The other side of the coin is that you can't really just expect to choose a job you enjoy and then expect your higher earning partner to subsidise you. That's entitled and spoiled in its own way as well. High earning jobs are often high earning for a reason - they involve a lot of skill, a lot of pressure or a lot of unsociable hours (sometimes all three). You can't really choose an easy job and then still expect to be able to buy a nice house, go on long haul holidays, etc. I don't think so, anyway. Certainly not unless the other partner is willing and happy to cover your costs, and it doesn't sound like you really are.

Just to pick up on this point, in relation to my own situation, I certainly don’t expect my husband to subsidise me and I don’t think the majority of people in a partnership do.

Once kids are in the picture, the non-monetary value of having one parent (me) available to look after the kids during the holidays, after school etc meant we didn’t have a massive childcare bill of the guts of €2000 per month.

Also the person in the high pressure/salary job is available to make last minute travel arrangements/overtime/meetings/crisis management etc as they know there’s someone home for the kids.

Also, you mention choosing an easy job - enjoyable doesn’t necessarily translate to easy.

lainey_d_123

Shybride2016 wrote: »

Just to pick up on this point, in relation to my own situation, I certainly don’t expect my husband to subsidise me and I don’t think the majority of people in a partnership do.

Once kids are in the picture, the non-monetary value of having one parent (me) available to look after the kids during the holidays, after school etc meant we didn’t have a massive childcare bill of the guts of €2000 per month.

Also the person in the high pressure/salary job is available to make last minute travel arrangements/overtime/meetings/crisis management etc as they know there’s someone home for the kids.

Also, you mention choosing an easy job - enjoyable doesn’t necessarily translate to easy.

Sure, yes, there are many positives to having a job that means free childcare, but OP doesn't seem to see this himself. Maybe he does genuinely need more of a contribution from her to be able to afford a house in the first place. If they both worked in a creche, there would most likely be no house. They'd have to rent a tiny flat, like all my friends in low paid jobs do. I was in a flatshare prior to my career change, despite being in my thirties.

I know enjoyable doesn't always mean easy, but in fairness, that's your choice.

Princess Calla

OP you knew what she did when you met her.

If she was in a high earning job and announced she had left it without discussing the implications then I'd have more sympathy for your plight.

Valid reasons for changing careers are because you no longer like it, bullying, too much stress, no work life balance, change in family circumstances etc.

This is not a valid reason.

Also if someone suggested I took up a Part-Time job on top of a full time one as I didn't earn enough for them, they would be gone.

If money is what you are concentrating on your priorities are off......unless she acts like a sponge and doesn't pay her way.

Shybride2016

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Sure, yes, there are many positives to having a job that means free childcare, but OP doesn't seem to see this himself. Maybe he does genuinely need more of a contribution from her to be able to afford a house in the first place. If they both worked in a creche, there would most likely be no house. They'd have to rent a tiny flat, like all my friends in low paid jobs do. I was in a flatshare prior to my career change, despite being in my thirties.

I know enjoyable doesn't always mean easy, but in fairness, that's your choice.

I totally hear you and all these points I’m making of course only come into play when kids come along. The time to save like mad is now but for the OP to bear in mind that his girlfriends current job actually is more compatible with future parenthood than if the two of them worked in full time high powered jobs.

I don’t really understand your last point though, it was you who mentioned his girlfriend choosing an easy job whereas he had said she enjoyed her work.

Anyway, for the OP, I hope you can come to an agreement for the future plans you have together and strike as much of a balance as possible. If she currently is only working part time there’s plenty of us doing train the trainer courses and then going on to teach in the evening to subsidise our low wages.

Squatman

Shybride2016 wrote: »

Your girlfriend sounds like she has the same job as me. Crap money yes but when you have kids, it all balances out.

You don’t say how many hours she works for that salary but projecting my own situation for a moment, I started working in a preschool when my youngest started primary school. Our childcare costs are zero because apart from a day or two here and there where my husband has to take an annual leave day to cover, I have all the same holidays as the kids - zero childcare costs. I finish work before they’re finished school so I can drop them and collect them - no childcare costs.

Thats all good and well, but how much do you spend on childcare?

Princess Calla

Squatman wrote: »

Thats all good and well, but how much do you spend on childcare?

Depends on how many children you have but on average 1k per month per child. That's the financial end.

With both parents working fulltime you also have the stress of finishing work on time to get to crèche on time for pickup. If both parents have jobs that require late nights which many high paying jobs do, it can become very stressful. Which is why some parents take a step back when babies arrive.

The OP will not have this problem as his girlfriends hours are perfect.

Edited to add: the 12-13k fees are obviously from your earnings after tax, so taking a ballpark tax of 50% you need to be earning 24-26k before tax just to cover childcare.

Now I'm sure you will still have to pay some fees for the 9 months she's working unless her employer is very generous which I doubt.

Squatman

Princess Calla wrote: »

Depends on how many children you have but on average 1k per month per child. That's the financial end.

With both parents working fulltime you also have the stress of finishing work on time to get to crèche on time for pickup. If both parents have jobs that require late nights which many high paying jobs do, it can become very stressful. Which is why some parents take a step back when babies arrive.

The OP will not have this problem as his girlfriends hours are perfect.

Edited to add: the 12-13k fees are obviously from your earnings after tax, so taking a ballpark tax of 50% you need to be earning 24-26k before tax just to cover childcare.

Now I'm sure you will still have to pay some fees for the 9 months she's working unless her employer is very generous which I doubt.

my post was steeped in sarcasm...

Princess Calla

Squatman wrote: »

my post was steeped in sarcasm...

Well that went completely over my head

wiggle16

Mod:

Squatman wrote: »

my post was steeped in sarcasm...

Which is below the standard expected in PI. If you haven't got advice for the OP, don't post.

ILoveYourVibes

Whatdoto1990 wrote: »

Hi all
Sorry for the long message. I’m with my girlfriend 18months now. We’ve moved in and everything is going great.i work In IT I’ve gone through a new job which has me in a situation we’re I am quite content in a way that I can easily forward plan. We have discussed we’re we see each other’s future and that we want to get married:have kids : buy a house etc...
Here is the thing, for my gf she is starting to struggle. A lot of that comes down to money. I completely understand and try my best to avoid putting her in situations where she is under pressure financially. Here is there thing however...she works in childcare and earns at best 25K a year(she doesn’t get paid for school holidays and has a roll on 9 month contract where she signs on for 3 months a year. We are in our 30s and Iv tried getting her mind around a securer job. I cannot help thinking based on our differences financially speaking she is not ready or doesn’t quite want to walk the walk...she loves what she does and I love her for that but when it comes to moving forward as quick as possible I get ye feeling she might not have thought it would be so hard. She seems quite happy go lucky whist I would be quite (I need x amount of money by year y) I earn more than double her but I don’t want that to be a drive away...any suggestions?

If you love someone you don't want to change them.

This is who she is.

You are responsible for your own financial future and the standard of life you want. She isn't.

She will be doing the bulk of childcare I assume etc.

TBH its your own maturity I would be worried about.

You are good at earning money she isn't. You seem to think that is the most important thing necessary for raising children. Its not. They need a lot of other skills, skills i would wager she has more of than you. With all respect..You just are not appreciating them which shows a HUGE lack of understanding and maturity.

Stop seeing her as lacking something and start seeing yourselves as team with varying and complementary skills.

You are only seeing your life together in figures. That is the most damning think i think i could ever say about someone who was a partner in a relationship.

I think you need to review that.

You don't value her or her skills. You only see her as lacking a decent paycheck. That's not right. Something is wrong there.

Is she serious. She moved in with you ...i bet she does a lot for you. So yes i would say she is very very serious and she would be devastated and hurt if she found out how you were thinking.

shesty

What exactly do you want her to make more money for?you say to 'move on quickly'.Is it to buy a house or something?I don't really get where you are coming from.

As numerous other people have said, you might feel like you are losing out here in some way now, but if you do have kids, her job will literally save you thousands.

Also this 'I need x amount of money by year thing'....quite frankly, lose it.Life does not run in an iterative series of events, to be viewed as a step up the financial ladder each time.As many of us learned 10 years ago, things happen outside our control.Jobs get lost, economies go into freefall.You cannot control it all forever.So start planning with what you have, and view anything else that comes in after that is a bonus of sorts.

tara73

shesty wrote: »

What exactly do you want her to make more money for?you say to 'move on quickly'.Is it to buy a house or something?I don't really get where you are coming from.

As numerous other people have said, you might feel like you are losing out here in some way now, but if you do have kids, her job will literally save you thousands.

Also this 'I need x amount of money by year thing'....quite frankly, lose it.Life does not run in an iterative series of events, to be viewed as a step up the financial ladder each time.As many of us learned 10 years ago, things happen outside our control.Jobs get lost, economies go into freefall.You cannot control it all forever.So start planning with what you have, and view anything else that comes in after that is a bonus of sorts.

this +100.

to add, you say you earn more than double than her, makes it over 50.000 per year, right? that's a decent salary. what is it about, you wanting even more money as a couple, you feeling 'giving her too much' with your higher salary? both thoughts are not beneficial to a healthy harmonic relationship which should develop into marriage with kids as pointed out numerous times.

have along hard reflection about yourself and your claims on her and the relationship in general.

leggo

You’ve got a lot of solid advice OP but just to pick up on one point that I don’t think anyone has spotted yet...

Whatdoto1990 wrote: »

she loves what she does and I love her for that but when it comes to moving forward as quick as possible I get ye feeling she might not have thought it would be so hard.

Where does this ‘move forward as quick as possible’ business come from? You’re living together within the first 18 months, that’s moving quickly by anyone’s standard! Are you perhaps trying to ‘lock down’ this girl?

Your post reads a bit insecure (well, it is, if you were feeling secure you wouldn’t be here). I feel like there are other issues at play. You seem to be looking out for warning signs she’s going to bolt or that she’s not that committed to you, and spotting abject things like her job (that was the same as when you met by the look of things so is nothing to do with you) as all of a sudden a ‘threat’ to your relationship. Trying to weigh all this up, I think these thoughts are all in your head. It feels like you’re insecure that it’s going to go wrong, looking for signals of that and, to counter it, trying to rush into this deep commitment that you guys probably aren’t ready for. Your partner isn’t ready for it financially anyway: but that’s okay, she’s doing fine for a relationship that exists 18 months. It’s only these random expectations you’re starting to have of her and this need to move things ‘as quick as possible’ (your words) that makes this an issue. If a relationship is for life, there’s no rush because you have your entire life to do everything. Nobody has ever complained about being too sensible in taking time in a relationship to get things right. Plenty of people have found themselves in absolute ****shows because they’ve moved too quickly.

Why not, instead of putting all of this unnecessary pressure on everything, just chill and enjoy being in your relationship? Let that stuff work itself out. It’s her life, if she needs more money she knows other jobs are out there and doesn’t need to have you push that on her. Because the funny thing is that if you do push this then you’ll most likely set into motion the exact thing you’re looking to avoid, i.e. you’re worried she’s not ready for a serious relationship so push her to try change jobs and that act in itself unsettles her within the relationship.