Infuriating parents - possibly cluster B personalities

LegacyUser

Before I start, I will state that I am in counselling for my issues with my parents. Also, I believe that my parents are fundamentally good people. They are good to their communities, friends and family and there are no secrets. The thing is, we have a relationship that infuriates me.

Backstory:

I am the eldest of a number of siblings at 29 years old. Fundamentally I had an excellent childhood and wanted for nothing. The only thing is that I never felt that I was understood by my parents. I was given all of the material things by my parents but I never felt 'listened to' or really understood. Sometimes if there were little mini-crises, they would of course listen to me but it always had to get to a point where something was hugely wrong for them to really listen to me. They would always (and still do) talk about themselves. Everything that was done (hobbies, dress-sense, holidays) was for others and they would brag about it down in the golf club.

As the eldest, they always looked to me to keep my siblings in check and they would even look to me for help in ways (for when we got lost in London years ago, I directed us to our hotel). I was (and am) always the fixer for the family. That has gotten even more burdensome as my parents are splitting up. I had to return from work in Frankfurt 2 years ago as both parents would separately call me and moan about their situation and about splitting up the house - which still hasn't happened yet. I regret returning from Frankfurt by the way.

The problem:

Through counselling, I have realised that while my parents may be decent people, they are draining the energy from me. I am always the fixer and I am expected to be 'perfect'. My other siblings don't work and drink/smoke joints frequently but if I am hungover badly on one day, I am the bad guy. I came home from Frankfurt which was a mistake to help them but they don't seem to want to help themselves. I have come to realise that the constant comparisons have given me crippling self-esteem and confidence issues however through my external 'achievements' like career and qualifications, you would think everything is perfect.

Should I cut myself off from them? I mean more like reduce the time that I spend with them? I really want to but I don't know how to do that.

Is this common or am I alone in this situation? Does anyone have any experience of this?
Thanks folks x

washiskin

I don't know if this is much help, but the first thing that came into my head is go back to Frankfurt.
I think as long as dependable old you is there to pick up the pieces, they'll never stand on their own two feet. Let your siblings do some of the lifting for a while.....maybe go further than Germany where the time difference means you can't be at in your ear so much.
I know you love your folks, but they abdicated their responsibilities to you and the only way to get out from under it is to make a very firm stand.

listermint

I'm not seeing the huge problem here. It might be perhaps your description. But the relationship seems that they rely on you sometimes in certain times of crisis. This seems perfectly normal your are their family.


I think you need to learn to say no and explain why. Perhaps you need to be more assertive. Outside of that k don't see a hugely damaging relationship based on the description as it stands.

Bricriu

I'm afraid it's going to be a long road for you to extricate yourself out of this conditioning.
You mention Counselling; therapy would be better.
Get every book you can about being the 'fixer', Co-dependency, perfectionism, etc., and read them again and again until you understand yourself. A Coda (Co-dependency) talk group would help too.
Even if you stay away from your parents, they will still be in your head influencing your life.
Good luck.

Xterminator

Hi Op

You do need to prioritise yourself and your wellbeing. At 1st i thought you were talking about cutting them out of your life, hich i would not support unless in extreme circumstances. But reading your comments about reducing time you spend with them, yes that is probably a good idea.

If you can you should try to frame the time you do spend with them, so that you are not feeling drained about the whole circumstance. However it may be that that is only a part of what you need to do. another may be to learn to say no.

No, i wont have this conversation,
No i wont carry messages to my other parent/ siblings, and if you want to tell them something tell them yourself.
No im not available at that time, its short notice and i have plans/something for work etc

antix80

LostSon wrote: »

Through counselling, I have realised that while my parents may be decent people, they are draining the energy from me. I am always the fixer and I am expected to be 'perfect'.

Your parents are grand.. This role as fixer/perfect sounds like it was constructed by yourself, not your parents.

So, you saw your parents as floaty and broken, aimed to be better, and now you're having a hard time living up to that expectation.

Set boundaries with your parents so they can't call you too frequently. This is something your counsellor can help you with.

Fwiw, you can't fix them for 2 reasons.... They're not broken, and you're not a therapist.

Figure out what you want in your own life and pursue that. Don't involve yourself with other people's problems until you've solved all your own.

seamus

LostSon wrote: »

That has gotten even more burdensome as my parents are splitting up. I had to return from work in Frankfurt 2 years ago as both parents would separately call me and moan about their situation and about splitting up the house - which still hasn't happened yet. I regret returning from Frankfurt by the way.

Did you have to? As in did one or both of them explicitly ask you to come home and help?

Or did you feel like it was necessary? Like everything would fall apart unless you got involved?

It sounds to me like you've carved out a role for yourself as the "fixer", and the rest of your family have structured themselves around that. You do these things not because you've been asked to, but because you don't think they can do it themselves and they need you.

It's easy to fall into these ruts. The rest of your family assume you'll be there to help, because you always are. Your parents are adults. And presumably at least some of your siblings are too. They don't need you running around fixing things. If you don't do it for them, they'll figure it out themselves.

If you hadn't been on the London trip, would they have ended up sleeping rough because they couldn't get back to the hotel? No. They would have figured it out without you. From your perspective you had to jump in to save the day. From their perspective, you just took the lead. They don't need you to mollycoddle them as much as you think they do.

You need to consciously make yourself less available. Do less "fixing". You need to make a distinction between, "Things I can fix" and "Things I must fix".

Pick and choose the former. Don't always be the first to step up and offer help. The house is a good start. Let them go off and deal with it themselves. If it ends up sitting unsold for a decade because they can't get the finger out, so be it. It's their house, their problem. It's not yours.

If you would like to be back in Frankfurt, then go. Your family don't need you.

JeffKenna

I think you need to take a bit of responsibility here OP. Let's not kid ourselves, it was your choice to return from Frankfurt. From your post it doesn't appear that your parents are incapacitated and unable to function without help. It's your responsibility to set healthy boundaries with your parents. Take responsibility for your life.