Loveless marraige would you stay?

Mjk1976

I have been with my husband 20 years, married 10 years.
We have 3 children the youngest is 3.
We get on really well, no arguments, have the same interests and I thought were happy, until 6 months ago he told me he didnt love me and was leaving..
He hasn't left and we sorted out the problems that caused him to want to leave mostly financial.

Last night he told me he doesnt love me at all, loves the person I am but not in love with me.
I absolutely adore my husband and love him very much, we have been living like a married couple,sleeping together etc but he has become distant and stopped trying.
He wants to stay together and continue as we are, a normal married couple but not "in love" on his part..
I told him no, I cant do that absolutely not, so he said hes sure his love for me will come back and wants to try work things out..
Any advice on what I should do? I am and always have been very family oriented and would absolutely hate my kids to come from a split family it would kill me and I'm also 100% financially dependent on him, I have a chronic illness and disability and I am unable to work, I would have to sell our family home as he would only have to pay half the mortgage and our mortgage is huge.

Do I hang around hoping and waiting for him to love me again and what if he doesnt?

TheHairyMenace

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you're in a bad spot. My heart goes out to you.

Mjk1976 wrote: »

He wants to stay together and continue as we are, a normal married couple but not "in love" on his part..
I told him no, I cant do that absolutely not, so he said hes sure his love for me will come back and wants to try work things out..

This doesn't match up. He felt the need to tell you he's not "in love" with you. But then when you made it clear you were not willing to stay in a relationship where your love is not reciprocated he immediately capitulated?

Let's imagine for a mad moment that you were willing to accept these "terms", how would that have improved things from his perspective? What was he trying to achieve by having this conversation with you (and not for the first time!?). It just doesn't make sense; if he wanted the end the marriage then why immediately do a 180? If he doesn't want to end the marriage then why bring it up at all?

Mjk1976 wrote: »

Do I hang around hoping and waiting for him to love me again and what if he doesnt?

I would advise you not to hang around, in the longer term it would be better for you (and your kids) to make a clean break. The alternative is living in a situation which is now causing you to doubt yourself and that is soul-destroying.

Obviously there's background to all of this that I'm not aware of so I don't have a perfect sense of context. But I'd be asking what has changed 6 months ago? I assume he was fully aware of your health issues so that seems unlikely to be a part of this (but if it is why now all of a sudden?) so is there anything else that has changed at home or indeed outside of home?

Ann84

Mjk1976 wrote: »

Do I hang around hoping and waiting for him to love me again and what if he doesnt?

Sorry OP... but in short - no you don’t hang around hoping and waiting.
I think you have taken a lot of crap here - if he doesn’t love you, then he is the one ending the relationship, not you...
If he thinks he could love you again, he needs to go and talk to a counsellor and get his feelings straight - and then come back and clarify his position to you.
It must be horrific for your self confidence and self esteem to have the person you love say that to you, you seem to be minimizing the pain and hurt and focusing on your fears, fear of losing your home, fear of raising your kids in a share parenting setup... but in reality this isn’t your call and he is just dumping the responsibility and fear on you!!!
I don’t know how you move forward pretending everything is ok, I think it will chip away at you and you will end up resenting him, he needs to sort this out, if he loves you - he needs to get to that and if he doesn’t, he needs to step up and start working towards ending the marriage, possibly starting relationship counselling or mediation...

Separating is not the end of the world and you shouldn’t be living in fear to avoid it - that’s no life and it’s just too short.

Mjk1976

This doesn't match up. He felt the need to tell you he's not "in love" with you. But then when you made it clear you were not willing to stay in a relationship where your love is not reciprocated he immediately capitulated?

Let's imagine for a mad moment that you were willing to accept these "terms", how would that have improved things from his perspective? What was he trying to achieve by having this conversation with you (and not for the first time!?). It just doesn't make sense; if he wanted the end the marriage then why immediately do a 180? If he doesn't want to end the marriage then why bring it up at all?


I brought it up because hes showing no emotion towards me and I cant live like this, so I needed to know.. i honestly think he did a 180 because I said "no" he thought I'd agree to stay in the marraige as it is because he knows I have no other option financially and he knows that I couldn't do it to my children..

I know deep down I should leave and believe me I'm completely broken and have lost all self respect and my self esteem, I cry myself to sleep everynight and go back to bed everyday after I drop my 3 year old to playschool, i cant face the day..
I dont know why I cant, I dont know why I still love him

Mjk1976

Ann84 wrote: »

Sorry OP... but in short - no you don’t hang around hoping and waiting.
I think you have taken a lot of crap here - if he doesn’t love you, then he is the one ending the relationship, not you...
If he thinks he could love you again, he needs to go and talk to a counsellor and get his feelings straight - and then come back and clarify his position to you.
It must be horrific for your self confidence and self esteem to have the person you love say that to you, you seem to be minimizing the pain and hurt and focusing on your fears, fear of losing your home, fear of raising your kids in a share parenting setup... but in reality this isn’t your call and he is just dumping the responsibility and fear on you!!!
I don’t know how you move forward pretending everything is ok, I think it will chip away at you and you will end up resenting him, he needs to sort this out, if he loves you - he needs to get to that and if he doesn’t, he needs to step up and start working towards ending the marriage, possibly starting relationship counselling or mediation...

Separating is not the end of the world and you shouldn’t be living in fear to avoid it - that’s no life and it’s just too short.

He point blank refuses counselling, we went together once and it was horrific and he will not go again
He wont even entertain going aline.

I think this is nothing to do with you OP.

It sounds to me like he is suffering from depression due to prolonged stress with no end in sight.

With all the love in the world it is tough having a partner with a chronic disability. On top of that the financial difficulties and the huge mortgage and the expense of kids he has 100% of the responsibility of that on top of him too. This will grind anyone down.

I'm not blaming you at all, it's just life and sometimes sh1t happens.

I would suggest that he get counselling.

[EDIT] I see he refuses counselling. Maybe try to get him to go to a GP?

Ann84

Mjk1976 wrote: »

He point blank refuses counselling, we went together once and it was horrific and he will not go again
He wont even entertain going aline.

Then this is his own issue - not yours and he is clearly happy enough to dump his **** onto you.

I understand that you feel responsible for the marriage breakdown (and based on above can see why) but it sounds like he has checked out and has no interest in resolving it, not for himself or for you.
I stand by my last post, if this is his attitude, I have no idea (beyond your fears) as to why you would even entertain staying with someone who would dismiss your feelings, hurt you and treat you so badly without any view of resolving it.

I suggest you start some counselling on your own to discuss your fears and work on building back up your confidence, hopefully in time you will see you deserve better x

TheHairyMenace

Mjk1976 wrote: »

I brought it up because hes showing no emotion towards me and I cant live like this, so I needed to know.. i honestly think he did a 180 because I said "no" he thought I'd agree to stay in the marraige as it is because he knows I have no other option financially and he knows that I couldn't do it to my children..

Here's what's bugging me about this. If he wanted things to continue as they are with the only difference being that he had now told you he wasn't "in love" with you, then why bother telling you that at all? If your refusal to accommodate that had caused him to suddenly start pushing couples therapy or something I would say he was genuinely (but in a really idiotic way) trying to broach the issue with you. However, his reaction has me feeling like this was an effort to flip the dynamic of your relationship. By telling you this he expected you would be taken aback by his admission, putting you in a weaker position and giving him power. But you didn't react that way at all.

To your credit you stood your ground and refused to entertain what he was suggesting. I know you're in a bad place now but you deserve to take come pride in that. It shows that you recognise your own value.

Mjk1976 wrote: »

I know deep down I should leave and believe me I'm completely broken and have lost all self respect and my self esteem, I cry myself to sleep everynight and go back to bed everyday after I drop my 3 year old to playschool, i cant face the day..
I dont know why I cant, I dont know why I still love him

I'm really sorry to hear that OP. All I can offer is that you deserve to feel confident in yourself. I really mean it when I say that you showed great strength in refusing to entertain his, I'll charitably call it his "BS".

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think this is nothing to do with you OP.

It sounds to me like he is suffering from depression due to prolonged stress with no end in sight.

With all the love in the world it is tough having a partner with a chronic disability. On top of that the financial difficulties and the huge mortgage and the expense of kids he has 100% of the responsibility of that on top of him too. This will grind anyone down.

I'm not blaming you at all, it's just life and sometimes sh1t happens.

I would suggest that he get counselling.

[EDIT] I see he refuses counselling. Maybe try to get him to go to a GP?

That’s a very good observation and advice.

It sounds like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and that’s not your fault, but he needs to get talking to someone so he doesn’t end up in a box.

Mjk1976

Deleted User wrote: »

I think this is nothing to do with you OP.

It sounds to me like he is suffering from depression due to prolonged stress with no end in sight.

With all the love in the world it is tough having a partner with a chronic disability. On top of that the financial difficulties and the huge mortgage and the expense of kids he has 100% of the responsibility of that on top of him too. This will grind anyone down.

I'm not blaming you at all, it's just life and sometimes sh1t happens.

I would suggest that he get counselling.

[EDIT] I see he refuses counselling. Maybe try to get him to go to a GP?

I actually managed to get him to the gp a few weeks ago, I told the secretary that myself and his mother were very concerned that he was suffering from depression, explained why
He went to the gp and she basically gave him the green card to put all the responsibility on me in regards to the children, told him that some people just arent cut out for the responsibility of children and the pressure and that that's ok, that he is a workaholic and that's just who he is, he enjoys work and that theres nothing wrong with it that he certainly wasnt suffering for depression but maybe I was, that I was sending out a cry for help begging for his attention..

Mjk1976

JayZeus wrote: »

That’s a very good observation and advice.

It sounds like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and that’s not your fault, but he needs to get talking to someone so he doesn’t end up in a box.

Also if you met me ,you wouldn't know I had a disability or illness, I dont moan about it, I dont complain and that's all because of him because he never had time for it, it doesn't effect him at all.
He does nothing extra for me or in the house, I have help in the house and he doesnt even see them because hes in work, he comes home to a spotless home, dinner ready, he goes to the gym every single day, works till he wants, drinks and goes to the pub whenever he wants,doesn't have to look after our kids, they are bathed and either in bed or ready for bed every single night.. he loves his job and when I say or mortgage is huge we can afford it, I just wouldnt be able alone.. the financial issues was acredit card which is gone n paid off. He on paper has the perfect life and the perfect wife, that's why it's all such a shock.

hawley

Honestly, no I wouldn't stay. I think you need to get financial/legal advice, you seem to think that you wouldn't be able to raise the children without him living with you. Do you think it's possible that he could have met someone else? He certainly has opportunities for doing so.

rainbowtrout

Mjk1976 wrote: »

Also if you met me ,you wouldn't know I had a disability or illness, I dont moan about it, I dont complain and that's all because of him because he never had time for it, it doesn't effect him at all.
He does nothing extra for me or in the house, I have help in the house and he doesnt even see them because hes in work, he comes home to a spotless home, dinner ready, he goes to the gym every single day, works till he wants, drinks and goes to the pub whenever he wants,doesn't have to look after our kids, they are bathed and either in bed or ready for bed every single night.. he loves his job and when I say or mortgage is huge we can afford it, I just wouldnt be able alone.. the financial issues was acredit card which is gone n paid off. He on paper has the perfect life and the perfect wife, that's why it's all such a shock.

Leaving his revelations aside for a moment, what exactly are you getting from this relationship? You don't see him all day as he is at work, but then he spends the evening after dinner going to the gym or socialising. I'm presuming you are at home with the kids when he is out.

Why does he not help you where he can? Does he spend any time with the children? Going by the description above it doesn't appear so.

Is it a case that he's decided he wants out but wants to have his cake and eat it? Given that you can't work, he would probably have to provide financial support, it would be costly for him to move out. Telling you he doesn't love you was step one. Step two was asking you to go through the motions, only you objected to that and put a spanner in the works. I'm guessing that step three was that he could continue to live in the family home with the appearance of a family man and with all the home comforts, but for all intents and purposes live the life of a single man... if he is not doing that already.

Mjk1976

hawley wrote: »

Honestly, no I wouldn't stay. I think you need to get financial/legal advice, you seem to think that you wouldn't be able to raise the children without him living with you. Do you think it's possible that he could have met someone else? He certainly has opportunities for doing so.

I dont know, I did think that it would explain alot and make my decision a no brainer. He denied n denies it

Mjk1976

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Leaving his revelations aside for a moment, what exactly are you getting from this relationship? You don't see him all day as he is at work, but then he spends the evening after dinner going to the gym or socialising. I'm presuming you are at home with the kids when he is out.

Why does he not help you where he can? Does he spend any time with the children? Going by the description above it doesn't appear so.

Is it a case that he's decided he wants out but wants to have his cake and eat it? Given that you can't work, he would probably have to provide financial support, it would be costly for him to move out. Telling you he doesn't love you was step one. Step two was asking you to go through the motions, only you objected to that and put a spanner in the works. I'm guessing that step three was that he could continue to live in the family home with the appearance of a family man and with all the home comforts, but for all intents and purposes live the life of a single man... if he is not doing that already.

Yep I stay at home with the kids, he spends the weekends with them, begrudgingly, hes no patience for them the more I'm writing and reading all the replies, I'm thinking to myself wtf am I doing, what do I get from him, ither then financial support, nothing but heartache. I think I'm holding into the old him and hoping he comes back, he used to be amazing, so loving caring, respectful, funny loved his kids.

rainbowtrout

Mjk1976 wrote: »

Yep I stay at home with the kids, he spends the weekends with them, begrudgingly, hes no patience for them the more I'm writing and reading all the replies, I'm thinking to myself wtf am I doing, what do I get from him, ither then financial support, nothing but heartache. I think I'm holding into the old him and hoping he comes back, he used to be amazing, so loving caring, respectful, funny loved his kids.

When did that change?

tara73

I would also question whether he has an affair. why else this confession he doesn't love you anymore but wants to keep things with you and the kids in the house as they are?

It would be a 'clever' way to have both lives: you as a housewife and not loosing the kids but with no emotional/sexual connection with you anymore because he wants and gets that from somebody else.

Just playing devils' advocate here obviously, but can you really exclude it? You said he 'goes to the pub', works till he wants...

Mjk1976

rainbowtrout wrote: »

When did that change?

He started a new job about 18 months ago, it's a much higher position, which he only took, to be closer to home and do school runs in the morning and spend more time with the kids but it turned out to be the worst decision of our lives..

pwurple

Yikes OP, that's rough.

Looks like Depression and/or affair to me too. Moving jobs to a higher position is very stressful, he may not have settled there yet, and small kids can be stressful. The gym is good for his headspace, but if you never see eachother, how are you supposed to maintain a relationship? That's a lot of time out and about, do you know who is he meeting in the gym or pub? It sounds like he has a whole secret life you don't know anything about.

Is he proposing to continue to physical side of your relationship, or drop that too? Live as strangers in the same house?

Mjk1976

No the physical said is, sorry was still going on , it was great and always has been but it's not since he told me, hes not getting that too.. it's our local pub so I know who hes down there with locals from the area.. havent a clue who he sees in the gym but he goes at 5am so I dont know, could he be seeing someone there, if he is having an affair, it would only be feasible at the times hes working late (as in not working late)or he works with her..

cmat

Just to let u know my story, loveless marriage for years, stayed with him and pretended all was great. For financial reasons, the house, our daughter but I was dying inside. Told a close friend, gave me advice. We had a chat and decided to divorce, only came through in October. But its a though journey but I had to do it for myself and daughter as I'm under 50yrs but by God its the hardest and best decision I ever made for myself. U know what's the right thing to do but draw the line and seek help or decide to grow old with that loveless man and end up in a depressed state which will effect your children. U will get financial help from state and maintenance as I know money makes decisions. Thinking of u and remember, u are not alone. Also I was married for 12 yrs and yes he told me he didn't love me and I stayed with him for another 3 years thinking of this revelation but it went toxic and unhealthy at that stage

Mjk1976

Mjk1976 wrote: »

I actually managed to get him to the gp a few weeks ago, I told the secretary that myself and his mother were very concerned that he was suffering from depression, explained why
He went to the gp and she basically gave him the green card to put all the responsibility on me in regards to the children, told him that some people just arent cut out for the responsibility of children and the pressure and that that's ok, that he is a workaholic and that's just who he is, he enjoys work and that theres nothing wrong with it that he certainly wasnt suffering for depression but maybe I was, that I was sending out a cry for help begging for his attention..

GPs aren't mental health professionals.. In fact many of them are terrible as they have always been extremely hard workers all their lives themselves.

Having gotten more background I'd say he's having an affair or at least has interest in someone else. I didn't realise he was going to the gym and to the pub regularly and clearly doing well at work. This doesn't fit someone who is depressed and lost their mojo.

qwerty13

It sounds to me as though he is bored. Not saying that he’s right or wrong to feel like that, but it sounds to me as though that’s how he is. That his ‘real life’ is outside the home. I wouldn’t necessarily say an affair. I would say that he possibly views home as a chore though.

If you think that’s true, would you want to try to address that? I’d that something you’d be interested in doing? Or how do you see that, as ‘his problem’. Ultimately, it is his problem. But there’s something going on that is going take both of you addressing.

strandroad

Mjk1976 wrote: »

I actually managed to get him to the gp a few weeks ago, I told the secretary that myself and his mother were very concerned that he was suffering from depression, explained why
He went to the gp and she basically gave him the green card to put all the responsibility on me in regards to the children, told him that some people just arent cut out for the responsibility of children and the pressure and that that's ok, that he is a workaholic and that's just who he is, he enjoys work and that theres nothing wrong with it that he certainly wasnt suffering for depression but maybe I was, that I was sending out a cry for help begging for his attention..

It doesn't sound like what a GP would say to a patient at all, more like lads down the pub say to one another.
Were you there during the GP visit or is it simply what he told you?

joeguevara

While you continue as you are nothing will change. Your self worth will deplete and he will never have to change. Also it could happen that he feels that meeting someone else is an option

He needs to know that if he wants to continue in the marriage it's all or nothing. You come across as a loving and genuine person but you don't deserve to be commiting to someone who doesn't love you. It will hurt in the short term but you shouldn't put up with this.

not to dismiss the man telling you he doesn't love you etc etc but

hes the sole earner in the relationship, which does change dynamic of how work/home life is going to play out whether we like to admit that or not.

and i think jumping to "affair" because he goes to the gym and the pub is a bit much.

if you dont know the *why* of what he said to you, and whether there's anything to be done about it, any other speculation is of limited value imo.

in that instance i do think you need to seriously evaluate yr options. start by talking to him about yr unwillingness to accept a limbo, and establish whether you are living as man and wife with a future on that basis, and on terms you can both accept.

the outcome of that discussion will inform yr direction.

HildaOgdenx

I would definitely wonder about the stuff the GP supposedly said. I can't imagine a GP giving a 'diagnosis' to one patient about another for starters, i.e. that you were the one suffering from depression and so forth.

And it's strange that the GP's comments tied neatly in with what suits him. Did the GP visit actually take place, I wonder?

It's no way to live OP, in my opinion, and in the long run will be very damaging to both you and the children.

Sleepy

TBH, OP, with the disability, crying yourself to sleep at night and feeling the need to go back to bed after dropping the kid to playschool in the morning, you do sound far more likely to be the one suffering from depression than your other half.

Could it be that you're the one who's changed in the relationship and he's making a balls of trying to explain that it was the "old you" i.e. the happier person that he loved and he wants her back?

Elemonator

He is depressed, OP.

TheBoyConor

I think he's having an affair. Dump him.

LegacyUser

Going anon for this.
I'm in a similar situation
Married 16 years.
8 years ago, she told me she didn't love me and was "waiting for the love to come back".
This was after our own previous marriage counselling.
Both working and participating in parenting.
I realised last year that only my hope that she would love me again was keeping the marriage going. I've given up now as well, and things have gone from sometimes ok, to mostly strained.
I know the marriage is over, but 3 kids mean I'm loath to leave. I won't be able to afford a place where they could stay for the weekend, more likely a 1 bed house share.
In the end, his motivations and reasons why don't matter. You have to deal now with being married to a man who has no interest in you.
I sympathise with your situation and wish you all the best in your decision. Your own sanity and mental health will be the best gift you could give your kids