Parents who won't talk about serious issues

pinkyeye

Hi All,

Okay, I'll try to keep it as short as possible. Basically my parents have NEVER ever been able to discuss serious issues. His response is to take to the pub and her's is to take to drinking cans at home and taking tablets and going to bed for long periods.

This is something that's affected me all my life so much so that I had to move from Dublin 4 years ago just to get away from it all because it was so toxic. The final straw being my brother being found out as a child abuser never to be mentioned again and a threat of ostracization if I told anyone outside the family.

Anyhow, now we're at the stage were my mother has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, inoperable, incurable and my poor children are devastated, they love their grandparents because they've never had to deal with any serious issues with them so it's easy enough so far.

But since this whole illness saga started they have hidden stuff, lied and my father has roared at me down the phone to NOT be annoying him, if there's any news he'll ring me. Which he never has in his life.

I'm SO angry about this. This should be a time when we're coming together in support and grief but NO, apparently we're not entitled to know what's going on.

Oh and by the way, as usual, we are not to tell ANYONE else.

It's driving me up the wall, I would completely step away from it except I know I'll only feel huge guilt when she is dead but it's so difficult to deal with.

Sorry, that wasn't short but any advice?

pinkyeye

Thanks for all the support and advice.

ok.

id advise you to not consider yourself as the main person impacted here, even though its obviously a terrible situation for you

im afraid your idea about how everyone else should be handling this isnt really what matters. and your historical issues with yr parents shouldnt really have been the intro to it.

take a step back. stop trying to direct and try to find out what role your parents *want* you to play at this very difficult time for you all.

if you cant accept that role, that's your decision, but its really not the time to re-evaluate everything your parents have ever done wrong.

again, sympathies. its hard and its unfair, but now cant be about revisiting old wounds, and in the long run sometimes you have to bear the weight of that stuff while gritting your teeth.

pinkyeye

Deleted User wrote: »

ok.

id advise you to not consider yourself as the main person impacted here, even though its obviously a terrible situation for you

im afraid your idea about how everyone else should be handling this isnt really what matters. and your historical issues with yr parents shouldnt really have been the intro to it.

take a step back. stop trying to direct and try to find out what role your parents *want* you to play at this very difficult time for you all.

if you cant accept that role, that's your decision, but its really not the time to re-evaluate everything your parents have ever done wrong.

again, sympathies. its hard and its unfair, but now cant be about revisiting old wounds, and in the long run sometimes you have to bear the weight of that stuff while gritting your teeth.

Thanks, good advice.

ILoveYourVibes

I am really sorry that your family issues prevented a relationship that was healthy between you and your parents.

I am so sorry about your mom's illness.

I am sorry your brother did something so terrible. And that it was never discussed and processed as a family as they didn't have the skills for it.

I can understand though the wish that you not tell anyone outside the family.

There are a lot of negative reasons for you to distance yourself and your own new family from your old one. They seem to rely on alcohol drugs etc to deal with issues. Also the brother hints at something much darker.

What snoopsheep has said is a good point.

Do what THEY want you to do.

Lets be honest . i don't think your family are a good energy to have around your kids. Its almost like you acknowledge the mess there but at the same time you are the one who wants to dig deep in it. I wouldnt advise this.

Find out what role your parents want you to have. If you can accept it ..accept it.


It must be terribly hard to process all that history and now this ...when your family just doesn't process things. But that is who they are. Its not going to change.

You have a different emotional language.

Talk about everything but the cancer. Just go and watch a film with your mom. Or bring her some cans what she likes. ( its not going to make a diff now). Bring your dad to the pub.

Do what they like to do right now.

pinkyeye

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I am really sorry that your family issues prevented a relationship that was healthy between you and your parents.

I am so sorry about your mom's illness.

I am sorry your brother did something so terrible. And that it was never discussed and processed as a family as they didn't have the skills for it.

I can understand though the wish that you not tell anyone outside the family.

There are a lot of negative reasons for you to distance yourself and your own new family from your old one. They seem to rely on alcohol drugs etc to deal with issues. Also the brother hints at something much darker.

What snoopsheep has said is a good point.

Do what THEY want you to do.

Lets be honest . i don't think your family are a good energy to have around your kids. Its almost like you acknowledge the mess there but at the same time you are the one who wants to dig deep in it. I wouldnt advise this.

Find out what role your parents want you to have. If you can accept it ..accept it.


It must be terribly hard to process all that history and now this ...when your family just doesn't process things. But that is who they are. Its not going to change.

You have a different emotional language.

Talk about everything but the cancer. Just go and watch a film with your mom. Or bring her some cans what she likes. ( its not going to make a diff now). Bring your dad to the pub.

Do what they like to do right now.

Thanks, I get where I you're coming from and agree with some of your points but let me clarify some things:

My kids are not young, I know I called them kids but there 25, 27 and 32, they've just never seen the negative side of all this because I don't speak negative about their grandparents to them.

Yeah, I probably should just go with the flow and do what they like to do which is to drink and have a laugh. I suppose I'm just hoping beyond hope for an honest moment with my mother before she does pass.

ILoveYourVibes

pinkyeye wrote: »

Thanks, I get where I you're coming from and agree with some of your points but let me clarify some things:

My kids are not young, I know I called them kids but there 25, 27 and 32, they've just never seen the negative side of all this because I don't speak negative about their grandparents to them.

Yeah, I probably should just go with the flow and do what they like to do which is to drink and have a laugh. I suppose I'm just hoping beyond hope for an honest moment with my mother before she does pass.

I know. I understand. But the more time you spend with her ...just in a non pressurized way ..just shooting the breeze the more likely there will be an honest moment.

I know it seems contrary. But ....honest emotions makes some people run or squirm.

It might just happen if you go with the flow. Learn the ebb and flow of their emotions.

The other thing you can do ...is write a letter.

pinkyeye

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I know. I understand. But the more time you spend with her ...just in a non pressurized way ..just shooting the breeze the more likely there will be an honest moment.

I know it seems contrary. But ....honest emotions makes some people run or squirm.

It might just happen if you go with the flow. Learn the ebb and flow of their emotions.

The other thing you can do ...is write a letter.

I've written that letter and we didn't speak for 3 years so that approach is definitely not going to work.

I get your other points though, thanks.

dancingqueen

I have similar issues with my parents (they are no longer together, for context). We don't talk about things, my sibling and I don't get told things, don't tell your aunt, lots of this kind of stuff. It irritates the hell out of me.

Our mam is married to someone else. We feel he pulls her strings slightly, not much, just enough that she does not notice. Throwing little things into conversations, making us out to be "bad children". I talk to my sibling a lot about this. We both have mental health issues, mainly down to parental influences and we struggle on the daily in different ways. ( we are in our 30s). There are other things too - guilt trips, being left out of big things (like medical things - like you are), small things like secrecy about things that really don't matter.

It is so much easier, when you just don't have to deal with it. I can tell you that from years of not dealing with it. We don't have kids so we don't need to be in their lives for the grandchildren. But sometimes I'd love to just cut the cord and permanently close off my mother from my life. The guilt will always be there, it lessens though. At times it comes back too. I don't talk to my father and that has enabled me to grow and become better for my own health.

Gritting your teeth doesn't cut it if it affects your daily life and your health. We are great in Ireland for doing it - getting on with it and jeopardising ourselves to keep the peace or make someone else happier. Your happiness and sanity is valid too.

pinkyeye

dancingqueen wrote: »

I have similar issues with my parents (they are no longer together, for context). We don't talk about things, my sibling and I don't get told things, don't tell your aunt, lots of this kind of stuff. It irritates the hell out of me.

Our mam is married to someone else. We feel he pulls her strings slightly, not much, just enough that she does not notice. Throwing little things into conversations, making us out to be "bad children". I talk to my sibling a lot about this. We both have mental health issues, mainly down to parental influences and we struggle on the daily in different ways. ( we are in our 30s). There are other things too - guilt trips, being left out of big things (like medical things - like you are), small things like secrecy about things that really don't matter.

It is so much easier, when you just don't have to deal with it. I can tell you that from years of not dealing with it. We don't have kids so we don't need to be in their lives for the grandchildren. But sometimes I'd love to just cut the cord and permanently close off my mother from my life. The guilt will always be there, it lessens though. At times it comes back too. I don't talk to my father and that has enabled me to grow and become better for my own health.

Gritting your teeth doesn't cut it if it affects your daily life and your health. We are great in Ireland for doing it - getting on with it and jeopardising ourselves to keep the peace or make someone else happier. Your happiness and sanity is valid too.

Thanks for that, it helps to know it's not just me that has this problem.

The whole "don't tell so and so would drive you up the wall".

KaneToad

Sorry for your predicament, OP. Unfortunately families often aren't what we'd hope them to be. This is more common than you might think. We're mainly outside observers on other families and, at a glance, they all seem perfect.

You should look after yourself first. And prepare yourself for the likelihood that you won't get the resolution that you're hoping for. You seem to have done all that you can, that should be a comfort to you.