Comparing everyone to her

LegacyUser

I am going through a bit of a funk lately and think I am a bad person.

I was seeing a girl casually/not exclusive for nearly three years. Sleeping together, meeting up on nights out, similar extended friend groups. Never brought her on a date, never went further with her, now that it's over it is eating me up.

I knew she wanted more and I made her cry multiple times, I never showed a flicker of emotion towards her unless I wanted sex. She put up with that, but on top of it all was hilarious, an amazing listener, always knew the right thing to say. Maybe I am horrible for saying this but she is one of the few people I felt a 'deep' connection with, yet I can't explain why I treated her so badly. I would disappear for weeks, moved abroad for a short while and didn't tell her I was going until the week I left. She would get upset and I would always snake my way back in.

She moved away about six months ago to go back to college and it is very unlikely she will come back to the city we both lived in. I have tried so many times to ring her and apologise but I cannot find the words. I knew what she wanted but she never demanded any of it from me, never made a scene, was never dramatic and never got rightfully furious with me. I knew her self worth was at zero and she was accepting the bits of attention I was giving rather than nothing at all, and I took advantage of it.

I am at an all time low over losing her and am trying to reevaluate my life. No girl I meet seems to even hold a candle to her so I am going to forget about dating for a while, but how can I work on forgetting what I did? I don't feel like I even deserve to be able to let it go.

zapper55

Maybe you treated her badly because you are afraid to get close or have a real genuine relationship. I've met men like you who have hurt women and in my experience they are also hurting in themselves. Forget about dating and really take time to figure out why you are scared ****less to let someone get close.

And for the love of god if you only do one thing, stop contacting the other girl. Sounds like you did so much damage. Of course you couldnt find the words to apologise, that's called guilt.

The only way you can make amends is to never treat another woman like this again.

wiggle16

The fact that you're feeling so much remorse shows that you are not a bad person, so cut that thinking out. You might think you deserve to feel this way but it's not constructive - and it's too easy an answer as well. I'm sure you realise yourself that the reasons behind your actions can't be boiled down to you being "bad". You behaved badly, but you realise that. That doesn't make you bad.

Can I ask, genuinely, did you ever feel like this before during those three years?

What exactly has stopped you from contacting her before now? Usually my advice would be to leave it and let the person move on with their life, and there's something to be said for that still. There's a reason you are no longer in one another's lives. You need to take a step back and really, really ask yourself if you think she would actually want to hear from you.

If you feel this is something you need to do, then you need to decide why you're doing it. Do you genuinely just want to apologise and make peace with her, or is it because you want to be with her and you're hoping something will come of it?

cannotlogin

Nearly every one I know had a guy/girl they were crazy about treat them the same way at some stage.

Nearly all came crawling back at some stage promising things would be different if they got another chance. Those with self respect told them where to go, those who give them a chance were usually ****ed over a second time.

You've caused her enough hassle, leave her alone and treat the next lady better.

tara73

please leave that woman alone, she's gone through too much probably and she doesn't need anything more of it.

you had three years with her you treated her like sh**. how come you didn't came to the conclusion you've reached just now she's the one or whatever she should be now? Is it because you know she finally draw a line and is not engaging anymore and is able to distance herself from you?

just work on yourself why you need to treat people like sh** and using them. And you were very aware what you were doing.

Get help and stay away from women for the time being.

Plumbthedepths

Seems to me only when she realised that the best thing for her to do was to move on and forget you, it showed you how much you needed her. I think you enjoyed the suffering you caused her on some level.
If you still care about her which I have my doubts, leave her alone and deal with your own issues before you hurt some other undeserving person.

Caranica

cannotlogin wrote: »

Nearly every one I know had a guy/girl they were crazy about treat them the same way at some stage.

Nearly all came crawling back at some stage promising things would be different if they got another chance. Those with self respect told them where to go, those who give them a chance were usually ****ed over a second time.

You've caused her enough hassle, leave her alone and treat the next lady better.

This 100%

I've been the one giving the second chance. More heartbreak

Katgurl

Well hopefully she has spent the time away from you figuring out why she tolerated that sort of treatment for so long and deciding never to do it again.

You are just wallowing in the remorse/ guilt / loss drama of it now. Leave her alone and think about what sort of relationship you would want with a person in the future.

leggo

There’s a phenomenon that people who fear commitment go through when their previous partner is truly gone where they put them on a pedestal and idealise everything about them.

Like a few others who’ve posted, I’ve been the one who’s been put on said pedestal, a few times actually. I’d hear these people out and, fortunately, by the time they’d come crawling back I could see through it even if they couldn’t see what they were doing themselves. It was like an addiction: they’d feel lonely and like **** and almost need to right the wrong. But I could see they hadn’t really changed and they were just back at the start of the same cycle all over again. Had I given them another chance it would’ve been grand for a while then they’d have reverted to type because they hadn’t actually done any work, they were trying to use me to fill the hole within themselves. But no other person can fill that for you, you need to do the work to fill it yourself.

This sounds like exactly what you’re going through. And if you really give the slightest of ****s about this person, then you need to leave them alone for good. You will only waste their and your own time, no matter how strongly you feel right now. This stuff is embedded in you, probably from an early age or bad past relationship, and without hard work (ideally counselling) this is who you are. It’s good that you’ve had this crisis of conscience, it shows a level of decency within you. Use this moment of clarity to do something productive with it instead of just starting another cycle.