Anxious attachment is ruining my life

LegacyUser

Ok, so brief background.

I'm mid thirties and due to shyness, self loathing, general self esteem confidence and depression issues and body consciousness, I haven't dated much. I've been pretty much single since my very early twenties.

So I've pretty much had a drought of nothing going on for a decade.

Earlier this year I met my now partner and we live in different counties, opposite ends of the country.

He's amazing in every way and I cannot believe that I have found him, he's so good to me and he makes me so happy. He's a very loyal, caring and considerate partner and I couldn't ask for better.

Sounds great, right?

And it is. I would even go as far to say that he's of the secure attachment dating style. He's got his **** together and is a good at communicating and expressing his needs and he has more daring experience than I do.

But I'm so gosh darned nervous and anxious all the time that I feel like I'm going to mess everything up.

I love him with all of my heart, this is honestly the best relationship I have ever been in. I will never meet anyone like him again, I won't ever do better and at my age, approaching 40, if I ever want to have kids etc.. then I need to make this work.

So you see, I'm already adding lots of pressure to myself.

We get on great but I have been finding myself being very needy and clingy around him. I normally try and hide it okay it like I'm cool but inside I'm a wreck, I'm a mess.

If he takes too long to text back I start to worry that he's bored of me and backing off. If I don't get a goodnight message I assume the worst and that he's gone cold. I start to fret and worry that our conversations have gone stale when we skip into the routine of good morning texts, hope you're having a nice day, how was work, I miss you, good night routine of texts day in day out.

I don't have experience of long term relationships so I don't know if feeling like conversation is getting stale or running out of things to say and relying on the above routine is normal or not? I don't have any reference points.

Because we are long distance makes things harder again also because we only get to see one another every 6-8 weeks.

I almost messed everything up the other night, I told him how lonely I was feeling and how neglecting I thought I had become and that we had lost the spark etc.. and he started replying by apologising that he was sorry he made me feel that way and that he would understand if I wanted to be with someone closer in distance who I could see more often etc... I thought he was breaking up with me and I howled and wept all night long.

I'm afraid that the other night has driven a wedge between us. I know this sounds silly, but I don't want to like him more than he likes me. I think our feelings are mutual and pretty equal but after the other night I can't help but think he would be happy to set me free if it made me happy. If he loves me as much as I love him how could he contemplate letting me go?

He's very good at reassuring me and telling me he loves me and showing affection but I feel like I need more and I can't keep asking him to reassure me because it will drive him away.

I tried to play it cool in the beginning but now I just want to be held and loved and told that in loved by him 24/7 and this is madness.

I've become very scared, clingy and attached and it's going to mess up everything if I don't get a grip on things.

Will I always be like this? Is there really a cure for how I'm feeling?

I've only recently just learned of anxious attachment so this is all new to me, but it's ticking boxes.

I have just went out and bought Attached the book and I'm looking forward to reading it.

I feel like I'm emotionally closed off and immature in relationships in part due to lack of experience. I didn't date as a teenager or have boyfriends and only for a brief period in my early twenties. I have a lot of body hang ups and body conscious issues.

I feel like I have found the one, and I will do anything to keep him and make things work between us but right now I don't trust myself as my emotions are so highly strung right now, the least little thing makes me cry. I feel very unstable emotionally.

How can I learn to back off and relax and not worry everyday that he's going to leave me or break up with me?

I hate feeling like this, it's torture. Things were so much easier when I was single.

jlm29

To be honest, I’ve got no experience of what you’re describing, but reading your post, it sounds draining. Would you consider going to talk to a professional for some counselling or something?

blarb

Hi OP,

I'd be an anxious type myself, only just had my first proper relationship last year, in a similar way he seemed quite secure and open to communication etc.

It strikes me that you are doing the long distance thing and that you are feeling lonely. I don't think long distance would suit everyone. Have you guys discussed what you are looking for e.g. long term? Has there been any discussion of how to see each other more often, assuming you would like that? I know for myself regular physical contact is important for me, so I would not be fit for a long distance relationship.

Just a couple of thoughts/questions for you to think about. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and you never know if you will meet someone else. There could be someone only one or two counties away who is just becoming single, you never know! But before thinking that way, I would clarify what you both are looking for long term.

Sending kindness OP, I can see you are very scared at the moment but please know that you deserve the type of relationship you want/need. Something that stuck with me is that love is not words, but actions... x

TheHairyMenace

Hi OP,

Sorry that you're struggling with this, it sounds like you're really suffering right now.

Deciding to learn about anxious attachment is a good idea. Whether or not you decide it's what you're experiencing it's a fantastic step that allows you to take some control over your feelings. Give yourself a reward for that, it's a smart move and it takes resolve.

Now, I don't want to either overstep here, or presume too much but you have written a long post and a few things stand out.

1) You feel that you really want to be in a relationship
2) You're afraid that the chances of you finding someone and having a family are against you
3) You've found a guy who "ticks all the boxes" so you should want to be with him and do everything you can to make this work because this is the best chance you'll ever have and you're terrified of the prospect of being alone

Now here's the thing; from your post I get the distinct impression that there's a part of you which is not happy in this relationship. I don't mean there's anything wrong with the guy but you're not satisfied, not fulfilled. And so there's a pressure to change the dynamic with this new partner.

So you're now in a situation where you recognise that you're not happy but you feel like you should be happy. And so you start punishing yourself. He's a lovely guy, he ticks all the boxes, this should work. And if it's not working then your anxieties are telling you it's your fault in some way.

The reality is that nobody is at fault here. You're afraid of being alone and so you're determined o make this work because you may not get another chance. This is where the problem starts. You don't believe you'll get another chance so this relationship absolutely has to work. And that's an impossible goal. You can't force a relationship to work. And the pressure of trying to do that is building in your head.

I think this idea that you won't find someone needs to be addressed. It sounds like you don't place enough value on yourself. If you can explore why you think that why you really feel that way you can view your current relationship without all this pressure and see if it's what you really want.

Personally I would have a hard time with a relationship where I can only see someone once every 2 months, I'm with blarb on this I really need my tactile fix! And I'm not even talking about sex, just the intimacy of flaking out on the couch with your partner.

Lastly, I would suggest you consider talking to a professional OP. What you're feeling is normal in the sense that we all experience it at one time or another but it's having a seriously negative impact on you. A good therapist may be able to offer you some proper guidance.

And lastly, finally (for definite!), in relation to your body issues. A lot of this will tie into your feelings about finding another partner, (as you've noted yourself), so that any progress you make with one will help alleviate the other. I would suggest finding a physical activity you enjoy, any physical activity at all and set yourself a small goal. Something like walking 30 minutes every day, It sounds like nothing but if you set a simple goal like that and stick to it very quickly you'll notice that it's becoming too easy, so maybe you'll push it out to an hour or whatever. As you keep doing it you're building real tangible confidence in yourself because every time you do that you're telling your body and mind that you deserve to feel good about yourself.

Anyway, I hope I haven't said anything awry here but it sounds like you're in a bad place and I'd really like to see you feel better about yourself.

Best of luck OP

leggo

OP, I feel for you. I've spent the past year on here telling people to learn about their attachment style and particularly to read that book, so identifying that in yourself is the first step. Anxious is a particularly cruel one because, as you'll learn from the book, it leads you towards situations that directly trigger it like an addiction. Case in point here: even when you've found someone who seems secure and is happy to reassure you, it's a long distance situation that won't give you the reliability, consistency and regular, in-person contact and reassurance that form part of your basic relationship needs. So even when you've found the person, the situation itself is setup to constantly trigger you and yeah...look at where you are now. I'm so sorry, it must be awful.

There's reason for positivity though. For a start, you're about to read a book that'll reassure you that the things you probably think make you crazy are in fact shared by many others and it'll teach you how to overcome them as well as looking for people/situation that satisfy them. The other trick, I've learned, is to see it as not needing to change yourself, per se. You're perfectly fine and normal. But you do need to accept yourself and respect your own needs. Maybe that means this particularly situation isn't for you: because look at what it's doing to you. The other bit of good news though is that, when you have your needs met, people with anxious attachment style can be amazing partners. But you need to break the cycle and identify the specific traps your attachment style sets for you that will lead you down this rabbit hole time and time again if you let them.

Read the book anyway, 100%. I'd say you'll probably devour it in a few sittings tbh. Counselling can be a massive help here too. It can help you understand where this came from and contextualise situations in your life, breaking down why you got into situations and allowing you to catch yourself and become more aware.

zoobizoo

You only see each other every 6 to 8 weeks?

So you see each other 6 to 8 times a year?

I have a hobby which I do every weekend - have to travel to the other side of the country to do it. Very often I get up on a Saturday early and drive for 3/3.5 hours and then do the same journey back that night. OTher times I'll stay over the Saturday night depending on if I am free on the Sunday.

What I'm saying is that if this relationship means a lot to both of you, you can and should be seeing each other a lot more often than you are.


Why are you seeing each other so rarely?

bitofabind

Let's keep things simple. There are two issues here.

1. This

AnxiousAnnie98 wrote: »

due to shyness, self loathing, general self esteem confidence and depression issues and body consciousness

These are things you need to address and deal with. Without doing this, nothing will change. You'll continue to be filled with relationship anxiety and use them like a band-aid for these deeper issues.

There are things you can do immediately. Work with a dietician on a healthy meal plan, find an exercise you enjoy and can commit to doing every day, widen your social circle, dedicate time to spend with your family and friends.

But I'll save you some time here - counselling is absolutely mandatory. These are decades-old issues going back to your childhood and you need professional support to overcome them. I say that as someone that has dealt with similar issues over the years and is only recently changing as a result of weekly therapy sessions. Prioritise finding a therapist. Do it this week.

2. Your relationship needs are not being met. Meeting up with a partner once every two months is not enough to meet your intimacy and closeness needs. That's triggering you in an acute way, because you feel unsure about the relationship, where it's going, his commitment, what if he walks away and you never meet someone again, etc

You've put this man on a pedestal because of your fear of abandonment. It's quite revealing that you say you "nearly messed up" simply by asserting your needs. Those are your needs and you're entitled to them. He responded to the facts at hand - you're not happy, so perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you. There's nothing earth-shattering about that. It's quite sensible when you think about it. He cares about you and can see that your needs are not being met, so suggested that perhaps this relationship isn't going to work for you.

He's not insecurely attached, so doesn't believe the roof will fall in if you're not together.

Many if not most people would not be fulfilled by this type of a relationship. So if you can't practically work out a timeline for living in the same town in the near future, you need to think about doing the right thing for both of you in the long run.

tara73

I think you're too hard on yourself because I also ask myself why do you only see each other every 6-8 weeks? Most people would be unsatisfied with seeing each other that little, especially if it's kind of early days.

hawley

It doesn't seem like he's that committed to the relationship if he giving you the okay to break up with him just because you said that you're feeling a bit neglected. The reality OP is that you don't know how a more intense relationship will work with him. You need to start seeing him more often. You deserve be treated better than that. It sounds like he's making excuses not to meet up. Give him an ultimatum, either meet up every weekend or else it's over. If you want to have children you can't afford to waste the next year or two on him. Best luck OP.

TheHairyMenace

hawley wrote: »

It sounds like he's making excuses not to meet up. Give him an ultimatum, either meet up every weekend or else it's over. If you want to have children you can't afford to waste the next year or two on him. Best luck OP.

It's also possible that the guy genuinely feels that if she would be happier with someone closer then breaking up might be the best move. We're not all deviant, unfeeling monsters.

An ultimatum is rarely a good idea.

For a start it takes the focus off the OP and why she feels all of this pressure.

For another even if they don't break up it doesn't solve any of the OPs problems it just puts her in a situation where she's now under even more pressure to make this impossible relationship work but she can't walk away because she issued an ultimatum.

I don't think it's fair to paint the guy she's dating as the bad guy here. It's clear the OP has some stuff to work through and this relationship is problematic but that doesn't automatically mean the guy she's dating is at fault.

From the sounds of it he's not a bad guy, certainly not treating the OP badly.

hawley wrote: »

It doesn't seem like he's that committed to the relationship if he giving you the okay to break up with him just because you said that you're feeling a bit neglected.

I don't think that's fair at all. His response sounds perfectly reasonable to me. The OP is stressed as a result of their relationship. In response he's suggesting that she would be happier with someone else. Perfectly rational.

hawley wrote: »

The reality OP is that you don't know how a more intense relationship will work with him. You need to start seeing him more often.

That I agree with.

LuciX

AnxiousAnnie98 wrote: »

Earlier this year I met my now partner and we live in different counties, opposite ends of the country.

Because we are long distance makes things harder again also because we only get to see one another every 6-8 weeks.

How can you call a partner someone you rarely see?
He is a long distance boyfriend at best.

You barely know each other.

Infatuation is a big thing in this 'relationship' and in online interactions in general.

Unless you make arrangements to see each other frequently there is no point stressing over a future with him, let alone the pressure of thinking about children due to your age.

There may be complications with a pregnancy after 40 but nothing is to say you can't have children if you don't settle with Mr. right now. I know a few people who conceived naturally after 40, one was 45 (mind you she looks young and is very healthy - it took a few years but she successful in her attempt).

Tell me how

I think talking to a therapist wcould help you OP. I can understand that you are dealing with a lot of getting to know what a relationship is at the same time as getting to know who you are in a relationship and who exactly the guy you are seeing is. That's a lot to be dealing with.

I feel some of the comments above don't realise just how unfamiliar you are with all of this.
A good therapist may be a decent sounding board for you to explore what is a rational thought, what is simply unfamiliar and what is irrational or harmful.

I hope you can work through this. Best of luck.