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Terrified

  • 05-11-2019 9:23pm
    #1
    Twirly
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1 ✭


    I've been living in Dublin for 2 years and within a few months of moving to Dublin I fell in love with a girl and we are now going out. Everything is great, I love her to the end of the world and back. At my age, most of my friends are married and have 2 kids.

    So, it all seems pretty straight forward? If only - I’m not out to my family and only a few of my close friends know I’m gay. (It’s putting a hold on our relationship moving in together etc). It’s not fair on my girlfriend, in a way I’m holding her back from her life?

    My parents are very religious, from a rural part of Ireland and I know they would never accept who I am. I don’t think my brothers or sisters wouldn't accept it either.

    I’m terrified and don’t know what direction to go in. I don't even know if I will be able to come out to my family :(

    I wish I wasn’t gay and just be “normal” and life would be easier. It's starting to come to the stage I hate who I am and avoid looking at myself in the mirror.


Comments

  • #2
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,156 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Maybe this might help


    http://meetu.ps/e/HhXbx/1QBdh/d

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #3
    368100
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭368100


    Twirly wrote: »
    I've been living in Dublin for 2 years and within a few months of moving to Dublin I fell in love with a girl and we are now going out. Everything is great, I love her to the end of the world and back. At my age, most of my friends are married and have 2 kids.

    So, it all seems pretty straight forward? If only - I’m not out to my family and only a few of my close friends know I’m gay. (It’s putting a hold on our relationship moving in together etc). It’s not fair on my girlfriend, in a way I’m holding her back from her life?

    My parents are very religious, from a rural part of Ireland and I know they would never accept who I am. I don’t think my brothers or sisters wouldn't accept it either.

    I’m terrified and don’t know what direction to go in. I don't even know if I will be able to come out to my family :(

    I wish I wasn’t gay and just be “normal” and life would be easier. It's starting to come to the stage I hate who I am and avoid looking at myself in the mirror.

    Why do You need to tell your family anything at this stage? Tell them when/if you're ready.

    With regards to your girlfriend, I think you know you should break it off as It is unfair on her. If you're at stage of considering moving in together she's probably thinking theres a long term potential on this...which there isn't.

    Give yourself a clean break and rely on your friends who know who you are.....in time you may have a different view on telling family....attitudes have and are changing all the time.....but unless you have a reason to tell them I dont see why you would panic about doing it, particularly if you're not ready.


  • #4
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,156 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    I dont agree with the "break up with your girlfriend" advice. Things could be worked through. Maybe you could move in together. Maybe discuss it with her. She may be willing to tske things things slowly and support you through coming out to family.

    It may be a case that things dont work out but I think you should try to work through your lives first.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #5
    lozenges
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 290 ✭✭lozenges


    It might be easier to come out to your friends first (it seems very few of them know currently). They are likely to have a much more positive reaction than you fear your family might have.
    I say this because having a good support network would be really important if you get the reaction you fear when/if you tell your family.
    I would tell them at some point though. If you are want a serious relationship and to settle down - whether it ends up being with your current partner or someone else - you'll have to tell them eventually. If they react negatively them to be honest that's their narrow-mindedness and their issue to deal with.
    You have done nothing wrong and you deserve to be happy!


  • #6
    Apiarist
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,680 ✭✭✭Apiarist


    Twirly wrote: »
    At my age, most of my friends are married and have 2 kids.
    .

    So you are past 30 then. Your wish not to be gay is childish. It's time to man up, come to terms with yourself and start taking yourself and your needs seriously. Nobody is going to live your life for you.


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  • #7
    Peatys
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,881 ✭✭✭Peatys


    Family approval is a nice to have, not a prerequisite.
    Put yourself (and in time, your partner) first, just like your old family does.


  • #8
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,156 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    victor8600 wrote: »
    So you are past 30 then. Your wish not to be gay is childish. It's time to man up, come to terms with yourself and start taking yourself and your needs seriously. Nobody is going to live your life for you.

    No need to have a go at the OP. People can experience difficulties coming out to themselves. Thats natural.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #9
    Apiarist
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,680 ✭✭✭Apiarist


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    No need to have a go at the OP. People can experience difficulties coming out to themselves. Thats natural.

    Thank you for the advise. If I do follow it, everyone will like me because I am polite and nice, I will get many likes and almost everyone will be happy.

    OP, I have been advised that it is natural for you to have difficulties. So here is my revised advice: "You are a fine young person, it is ok to have difficulties. Take your time, if it takes 20, 40 years, don't worry as long as it makes it easier for you. If your girlfriend wants to get married and have kids, you can postpone your coming out until kids are out of the college, sure, everyone is doing it."


  • #10
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,156 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    victor8600 wrote: »
    Thank you for the advise. If I do follow it, everyone will like me because I am polite and nice, I will get many likes and almost everyone will be happy.

    OP, I have been advised that it is natural for you to have difficulties. So here is my revised advice: "You are a fine young person, it is ok to have difficulties. Take your time, if it takes 20, 40 years, don't worry as long as it makes it easier for you. If your girlfriend wants to get married and have kids, you can postpone your coming out until kids are out of the college, sure, everyone is doing it."

    Amazing advice...

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #11
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,156 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    OP noone is advising to wait 40 years till you come out.

    You can work through this without dumping your girlfriend thats perfectly possible.

    Its possible that you might be constructing all sorts of negatives in your head regatding your family that are untrue.

    As I said above the peer support group might be useful.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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  • #12
    Irish Praetorian
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,745 ✭✭✭Irish Praetorian


    Twirly wrote: »
    I've been living in Dublin for 2 years and within a few months of moving to Dublin I fell in love with a girl and we are now going out. Everything is great, I love her to the end of the world and back. At my age, most of my friends are married and have 2 kids.

    So, it all seems pretty straight forward? If only - I’m not out to my family and only a few of my close friends know I’m gay. (It’s putting a hold on our relationship moving in together etc). It’s not fair on my girlfriend, in a way I’m holding her back from her life?

    My parents are very religious, from a rural part of Ireland and I know they would never accept who I am. I don’t think my brothers or sisters wouldn't accept it either.

    I’m terrified and don’t know what direction to go in. I don't even know if I will be able to come out to my family :(

    I wish I wasn’t gay and just be “normal” and life would be easier. It's starting to come to the stage I hate who I am and avoid looking at myself in the mirror.

    Firstly, congratulations on having found a girlfriend and potentially someone who you think you can spend your life with. No matter what else, that alone is a significant milestone many don't reach and you should be proud.

    Now you seem to be describing a few things in a few ways - you're in Dublin with a girl you like and you seem quite happy with both. Again good on you making those mental jumps and building yourself up. From the way you write about it, it looks like in those particular areas you are quite happy.

    Now clearly the salient issue is your family and your sexuality, and I think it might help to separate out some of those issues early on. Now I know a few relationships from rural Ireland and a few of those have quite happy and supportive families/neighbours involved. Now when you wish you weren't gay you need to ask, is it because you aren't attracted to the same sex, or is it simply because it would make life simpler, you wouldn't need to worry about family being happy or hiding something from them. I mean if you could have the happy and supportive family who has your GF over for Xmas etc, would you take it?

    I suspect you know the answer to this and the upshot is that the problem isn't so much to do with your sexuality as it is your family's attitudes. Again, we're only speculating at this point, you know better than any of us what they might do if they found out but ultimately if they have a problem with it, it is THEIR problem not yours. Now clearly this isn't going to make the pain of family arguments go away or resolve any problems, but it does clarify your situation.

    In short, you have reached a point, where two parts of your life are starting to end up at odds and you have to start making choices - continuing to hide is clearly causing relationship troubles and limiting your ability to be 'out', even though you might see it as the only way to keep the lines open with family. I think you might need to start thinking what you want your life to be in the future and decide what is and is not important - for my part I would submit that perhaps the best course is to quit hiding, try to build that relationship with your girlfriend and take what troubles may come with your family. I'm not sure that the alternative of making yourself miserable because they might be offended is much of a life.


  • #13
    ldy4mxonucwsq6
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,537 ✭✭✭ldy4mxonucwsq6


    Twirly wrote: »
    My parents are very religious, from a rural part of Ireland and I know they would never accept who I am. I don’t think my brothers or sisters wouldn't accept it either.

    This is awful for you to feel this way.

    Do you know for sure that they would be unaccepting? They already accept who you are, you have not changed just because you are gay.

    Do you think it would be worth giving them a chance, you are who you are and who knows how they will react, it might not be as bad as you think.

    On a positive note you are living away from the family home and have a girlfriend who wants a serious relationship with you and hopefully some supportive friends.

    But forget about all that for a second and put yourself first here, you are the only one who has to accept yourself.


  • #14
    wakka12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    368100 wrote: »
    Why do You need to tell your family anything at this stage? Tell them when/if you're ready.

    With regards to your girlfriend, I think you know you should break it off as It is unfair on her. If you're at stage of considering moving in together she's probably thinking theres a long term potential on this...which there isn't.

    Give yourself a clean break and rely on your friends who know who you are.....in time you may have a different view on telling family....attitudes have and are changing all the time.....but unless you have a reason to tell them I dont see why you would panic about doing it, particularly if you're not ready.

    Wtf? What horrible advice
    Why can a relationship not flourish unless theres parental approval or awareness of it?
    Before the 1980's Im sure practically every relationship had to get on without any approval from their family member. Shes a grown woman,and I hope she has a wonderful relationship that may last, youre your own person, be happy and just leave your parents out of it. It's not something they need to know about if it will apparently just cause issues in your relationship with one another, you and your girlfriend can obviously have a happy life together separate from them.


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