How to be less hesitant

LegacyUser

I am, by nature, not much of a risk taker. This affects many aspects my life from work (changing jobs, I mean) to hobbies, family relationships, etc. I'm sensible with money. I end up getting in my own way a lot, though, psychologically.

The biggest thing I probably struggle with is social/personal relationships. I'm not a great reader of people and find this quite challenging. I'm over 35 and have never dated. I wouldn't really say I have friends, just acquaintances. Lost touch after postgrad at college, people emigrated (graduated 2008) or had families, etc. I know I'm a decent and kind person above all. Don't have much social confidence. I am fairly introverted, and can be quite anxious too. From childhood I would known as the 'quiet one', as even my 5 year cousin has commented in that no filter way kids tend to.

I have done things out of my comfort zone, 6-7 group holidays with people I don't know - camping, cycling, etc. I've enjoyed those. I work in PR, deal with the media regularly - I'm pretty confident at this. My work persona is quite different. I'm in a running group as it's my main hobby. It has helped me come on somewhat. Most of them, however, are a good deal older me and in the coffee shop (of the regulars) I would be the youngest. There is someone there younger than me. I quite like her and we've talked quite often. I'm very non-brave in that department, however. At the running group people would say I'm friendly and I've had a lot of positive feedback around helping others out, etc.

The overarching theme, I feel, is hesitancy. I am wondering if anyone is similar and found a way of dealing with this. It really takes up a lot of my mental energy and is a vicious cycle. I do go to a psychologist and she's aware of my thinking patterns tries to push me to come up with my own solutions and doesn't pussy foot around things.

Thanks.

TheHairyMenace

Hi OP,

The only way to address your hesitancy is to ask why you're hesitating at all.

In a situation like say, a job interview, it's natural to be nervous because there's something at stake. According we may be hesitant in that scenario because we don't have control.

There's 2 elements in that hypothetical that occur in every other scenario; the idea of wanting something from a given situation and the idea of not having control in that situation.

Now in most social interactions, (and I think we can focus on social situations with you), there is almost certainly something we all want (for example the attention of the woman in your jogging group). Similarly we rarely have control over social interactions; so there's no way to guarantee the outcome we want. This means that before you've said a word you're feeling anxious about talking to her because you want her to reciprocate but you feel you have no way to foster that particular outcome. Obviously this fuels hesitation (was that an oxymornon?).

The thing is; when you're in a social situation the anxiety you feel, (which we've all experienced), is a result of your view of yourself and the situation. A person with a positive view of themselves may assume a positive outcome and so will be less hesitant. However a person with a negative view of themselves is more likely to anticipate a negative outcome and so will be more hesitant.

The take-away here is that you need to look at how you view yourself. There's definitely an incongruity between how you view yourself and how you really are. For example; you mention finishing a postgrad, so we can assume that you're of reasonable intelligence (since you've completed two degrees), you also mention being in a jogging group so you must be in good health (and shape?). Obviously I'm simplifying to an extent but on paper you're an intelligent adult male who is in good physical condition. So you're starting from a positive place but you clearly don't see that.

Anyway, these things tend to be far more complicated than I'm willing to get into here but if you look at your "default" view of yourself and start asking why you have that view then you may find that you can change that view to something more positive. If you can do that the hesitance will naturally reduce as with a more positive view comes more confidence.

Best of luck OP.

hawley

Hi OP, it comes across that you're overthinking every single action in your life. You're probably a pessimist by nature, but you can't tell the outcome of everything in real life and if you think that you'll have a negative outcome, you'll end up doing nothing. If you want a girlfriend/boyfriend you actually have to ask her out on a date. You just have to suck it up and go out on a limb. If she rejects you, she's probably not worth it anyway. You say that you work in PR. Well you need to present an image of yourself being good fun, attractive, healthy and being well off financially. Post photos from your life like meeting friends for a coffee, new clothes, new car or from a holiday. Set up as many accounts as you possibly can on social media.

TheHairyMenace

hawley wrote: »

Well you need to present an image of yourself being good fun, attractive, healthy and being well off financially. Post photos from your life like meeting friends for a coffee, new clothes, new car or from a holiday. Set up as many accounts as you possibly can on social media.

I have to disagree with all of this.

The OP's problem is that he lacks confidence in himself, (possibly not a great self-image). He needs to work on correcting that not chasing worthless external validation on social media.

If you want to post your life on social media that's fine but if you're posting your life, (or more accurately a heavily curated view of the life you wish you had), for the express purpose of letting everyone know how fun/attractive/healthy/well off financially you are then you've already lost.

If you have that positive view of yourself then you don't need to pander to anyone else for their validation.

OP you need to explore your self-image and ask yourself some honest questions about why you hesitate so much.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comments. I'm not interested in cultivating a persona on social media. I'm not Casey Neistat. Also, my role is based around boundaries and I've to be careful.

Another example I forgot to mention earlier was asking my Dad to go with me to the cinema lately, I didn't.

Self-image is probably the nail on the head. It has been like this for a long time. It's only in adulthood I've had problems. I do at times feel controlled by fear somewhat. I have a job interview coming up and I'm fairly optimistic about and have done good prep. I am going to talk to the woman I mentioned, and will keep in mind rejection is possible.

I got some more compliments at the running group recently and with my own marathon success too. I try to take them to heart. They do mean something, but I've always struggle to make them feel real and let them sink in long term. Confidence is DOA.

TheHairyMenace

hestitationOP wrote: »

Thanks for the comments. I'm not interested in cultivating a persona on social media. I'm not Casey Neistat. Also, my role is based around boundaries and I've to be careful.

Another example I forgot to mention earlier was asking my Dad to go with me to the cinema lately, I didn't.

Self-image is probably the nail on the head. It has been like this for a long time. It's only in adulthood I've had problems. I do at times feel controlled by fear somewhat. I have a job interview coming up and I'm fairly optimistic about and have done good prep. I am going to talk to the woman I mentioned, and will keep in mind rejection is possible.

I got some more compliments at the running group recently and with my own marathon success too. I try to take them to heart. They do mean something, but I've always struggle to make them feel real and let them sink in long term. Confidence is DOA.

For what it's worth OP you could have plucked a lot of your experience out of my own head. So you're not alone in dealing with this kind of problem.

Give yourself credit for acknowledging your situation and deciding to take some positive steps to try and manage it.

One last thing; it's good to recognise outcomes good and bad but try not to make them the focus of how you interpret each experience. When you talk to the woman in your running group try to keep in mind that you are a person of value regardless of how that conversation goes. If the two of you don't have that spark you're still just as worthy as you were before making the attempt except that now you've taken the bull by the horns and made the attempt. And you should take pride in that.

Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

Hi again, thank you.

I had a job interview recently. Didn't get it, had a fair idea walking out their office. Applied for something else a few days after the rejection email.

I asked the women out, new territory for me. She has a boyfriend, so that's that. It wasn't a bad or uncomfortable conversation. I'm very unsure about talking to her in the future. I'm not going to try anything as that would be weird. She said she'd be happy to meet up 'as friends'. I didn't really respond on that aspect specifically and sorta sidestepped it. It was worth a try. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be, barely nervous at all. We had a good chat about some other stuff anyway, including personal things. I suppose I'm surprised and at the same time not, perhaps some people keep these things very private, compared to most of the other runners I've met.

I know people will talk about 'creating opportunities', around social connections. That's all well and good, but when you don't know how to navigate them it's hard to put this into practice. I don't know what to do next with friendships, in general. I've none in Ireland. Sometimes I want to withdraw from life completely.

My self-image is screwed up. I'm exhausted from it.