Friend acting weird

curiousJudg

I'll try to keep this short, best friend of 12 years is single and has been for years (we're both mid forties) I'm very happily married for a long time. Me and friend have done a lot together over the years holidays etc she gets on great with my husband etc. More recently myself and husband decided that we need to spend a bit more time together, nothing major just make a bit of time for each other and go away for the odd weekend or night away etc, nothing that really affects time i spend with friend. However, she has been really acting weird about it all, I said to her in general convo that we (myself and husband) were just gonna make a bit more time for each etc etc. All of a sudden she's gone really quiet, huffy almost and a bit rude with him, slight things that I am picking up on. She's making all these snide remarks to me about my husband 'letting me out for the night' trust me nothing could be further from the truth we're all about going out with our friends, separately and together no issues at all. I've asked her about it, she denies it completely but yet even last week we were out and she was making comments about him letting me out and 'it'll be another 6 months before he lets me out again' (the last time me and friend we were out before that was a concert 3 weeks ago!! ). I'm finding it hard because she's denying it and yet both me & husband are picking up on quite a passive aggressive type vibe - not sure what to do about it when somebody denies it, it really has me rattled, we're FAR too old to be carrying on like this & my husband does not deserve any of this.

hawley

curiousJudg wrote: »

I'll try to keep this short, best friend of 12 years is single and has been for years (we're both mid forties) I'm very happily married for a long time. Me and friend have done a lot together over the years holidays etc she gets on great with my husband etc. More recently myself and husband decided that we need to spend a bit more time together, nothing major just make a bit of time for each other and go away for the odd weekend or night away etc, nothing that really affects time i spend with friend. However, she has been really acting weird about it all, I said to her in general convo that we (myself and husband) were just gonna make a bit more time for each etc etc. All of a sudden she's gone really quiet, huffy almost and a bit rude with him, slight things that I am picking up on. She's making all these snide remarks to me about my husband 'letting me out for the night' trust me nothing could be further from the truth we're all about going out with our friends, separately and together no issues at all. I've asked her about it, she denies it completely but yet even last week we were out and she was making comments about him letting me out and 'it'll be another 6 months before he lets me out again' (the last time me and friend we were out before that was a concert 3 weeks ago!! ). I'm finding it hard because she's denying it and yet both me & husband are picking up on quite a passive aggressive type vibe - not sure what to do about it when somebody denies it, it really has me rattled, we're FAR too old to be carrying on like this & my husband does not deserve any of this.

First of all it must be hard for your friend to be alone and seeing you so happy in a relationship. It seems like something major has happened to her over the past while. Have you tried talking to her about this? Maybe she feels like her life is passing her by. I don't know what your husband is like, but it seems like he could have made a pass at her. If he's trying to distance you from your bf, then it seems like there's some issue between them.

ManOfMystery

hawley wrote: »

First of all it must be hard for your friend to be alone and seeing you so happy in a relationship. It seems like something major has happened to her over the past while. Have you tried talking to her about this? Maybe she feels like her life is passing her by. I don't know what your husband is like, but it seems like he could have made a pass at her. If he's trying to distance you from your bf, then it seems like there's some issue between them.

Are we reading the same thread? You have made a massive, massive leap to insinuate he could have made a pass at her. There is literally nothing in the OP's post to suggest that her husband has behaved in any such way, in fact I would say that the OP and her husband's renewed efforts to spend time together show that he is a man very committed to his marriage.

Also, OP's friend has known her and her husband for years upon years. Seeing her happy in her relationship isn't a new thing.

I would hazard a guess OP that your friend has completely misinterpreted your comment as meaning that you will inevitably have to spend less time with her, and has irrationally decided that your husband is to blame for this. She is obviously very comfortable with the current status quo and doesn't wish it to change. I think the only option here is to have the talk with her about her behaviour (not asking her what's up, but telling her outright that you have noticed a change and it's undeniable) and clarify to her that a renewed interest in your quality time with your husband doesn't have to come at a cost to her, if that's her concern.

Xterminator

Hi OP

im guessing the (proposed) change of dynamic in the relationship with your friend has her upset. She may not even consciously admit this to herself, let alone you. Perhaps she lacks varied social outlets and will more keenly feel the brunt of any change in importance. The truculence you have observed may not be completely intentional and deliberate.

I think it is fair to say that if you increase the priority of one relationship in your life and spend more time & effort there, the other do suffer as a result. you only have so many hours in the day and days in the week and if you invest more time with your husband it will affect the friend - that's not an opinion, it is a result.

I would recommend you try assuring your friend that you place no less importance on your friendship, and make a conscious effort to let her 'feel the love' in the short term. Be patient and reassuring, and see if she comes around.

I suggest you subtly encourage her to fill her other hours with activities - it may be a good time to join a club or renew a hobby etc. Especially if you sense she may be spending more time without a social outlet - or perceives that she is!

You are doing nothing wrong. But if this is a deep friendship that is worth preserving i would cut her some slack, and see if she comes around in time.

curiousJudg

Guys thanks - all good advice.... Hawley, i genuinely don't know how you got there - quite literally could not be further from the truth. I cannot include too much personal information here but for reasons she has decided, she will not be in a relationship nor has she been in the time that i've known her. I've accepted that I have to fill in the gap in her life quite a bit i.e her plus one to everything, holiday buddy etc and my husband has never had an issue at all with this and still doesn't. Me & him simply discussed that between work and other things going on that we haven't really made each other a priority and so we both said look lets just spend a bit more time together even if it's just an evening at home having dinner etc. I guess it came from me as I realised that I was agreeing to go to outings/weddings/parties etc with my friend that I genuinely did not want to go to at all but felt that I had to go and i'd been doing this for a few years. I decided that what i would do is turn down just a few more of the invitations to things that I really hate the idea of going to -( there was quite a few weekend weddings that I was sitting at & realised that I didn't want to be there and could be at home with my husband instead). I didn't say this to my friend, never did and never will as I would never hurt her and nor would my husband. The friendship is 100% worth preserving, however I don't want to feel that I have to go to things/events and I don't want to sacrifice all of my free time when I would much rather be at home. I would just love to have a conversation about it all with her but she shuts down and denies that there is anything at all wrong, she just continues to be quiet and snappy with my husband and this is hurting him too. My own family have mentioned to me that she is somewhat 'territorial' over me & when I mentioned what is happening to them they weren't surprised at all..... so i'm told anyway.

Addle

You don’t have to do those things at all.
You’ve enabled your friends dependency on you and it reads a little like you begrudge it now, but it’s partly your own fault.
You need to discuss it properly with your friend.

curiousJudg

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I would hazard a guess OP that your friend has completely misinterpreted your comment as meaning that you will inevitably have to spend less time with her, and has irrationally decided that your husband is to blame for this.

Nail on head I think! My real frustration is that she is denying that she feels upset and is just making the odd snide remark when we're in company, when I ask her about the snide remark i'm told to lighten up it was just a joke...... but it's not. I hate the idea of something festering away underneath.

curiousJudg

curiousJudg wrote: »

More recently myself and husband decided that we need to spend a bit more time together, nothing major just make a bit of time for each other and go away for the odd weekend or night away etc, nothing that really affects time i spend with friend.

curiousJudg wrote: »

Me & him simply discussed that between work and other things going on that we haven't really made each other a priority and so we both said look lets just spend a bit more time together even if it's just an evening at home having dinner etc. I guess it came from me as I realised that I was agreeing to go to outings/weddings/parties etc with my friend that I genuinely did not want to go to at all but felt that I had to go and i'd been doing this for a few years. I decided that what i would do is turn down just a few more of the invitations to things that I really hate the idea of going to -( there was quite a few weekend weddings that I was sitting at & realised that I didn't want to be there and could be at home with my husband instead). I didn't say this to my friend, never did and never will as I would never hurt her

Your first and second post are quite different. It sounds like you used "time with your husband" as an excuse to get out of doing things with your friend instead of just being honest with her and telling her you don't want to go. You could have told her you don't want to go out as often because you want to spend more time with your husband but it doesn't appear that even that happened. What exactly was the "etc etc" in the general convo?

So from her point of view the situation is that you can't go, not that you don't want to. If you're 100% for preserving this friendship, you need to be honest with her.

curiousJudg

Addle wrote: »

You don’t have to do those things at all.
You’ve enabled your friends dependency on you and it reads a little like you begrudge it now, but it’s partly your own fault.
You need to discuss it properly with your friend.

Oh definitely enabled the dependency 100% I agree, as I get older I guess i've prob found my voice a little more and now I feel that I don't want to have to go to everything that pops up however I haven't even said this to her, I simply mentioned in our conversations that i am going to make a bit more effort to spend time with husband. I don't begrudge going to things with her, but I do if i'm honest begrudge this new attitude she has towards me and particularly himself when he has literally done nothing wrong. That chap just wants a peaceful life he would never and has never suggested that I skip things with her etc.

curiousJudg

Deleted User wrote: »

Your first and second post are quite different. It sounds like you used "time with your husband" as an excuse to get out of doing things with your friend instead of just being honest with her and telling her you don't want to go.

You're probably right there, I guess yes I did go to a lot of things in the past without question, i'm a bit older now, busier in work and like a bit of time to myself.... I spoke to himself about this and that's when the convo came up that look we do need to spend a little more time together as well so its a combination of the two really. I have tried numerous ways and times to bring it up and discuss it but she 100% denies that theres an issue and basically it's in my head if I think there's an issue but I know that it's not in my head i've seen it numerous times lately. If she would just agree that she's not happy with something then we could talk it out.

hawley

curiousJudg wrote: »

You're probably right there, I guess yes I did go to a lot of things in the past without question, i'm a bit older now, busier in work and like a bit of time to myself.... I spoke to himself about this and that's when the convo came up that look we do need to spend a little more time together as well so its a combination of the two really. I have tried numerous ways and times to bring it up and discuss it but she 100% denies that theres an issue and basically it's in my head if I think there's an issue but I know that it's not in my head i've seen it numerous times lately. If she would just agree that she's not happy with something then we could talk it out.

I think you need to explain to her that you can't attend as many events as in the past. You could ask your husband to ring her and explain that he's not behind anything or trying to separate you from her. He could tell her that he feels comfortable with the friendship between you and her. She will probably get over it within a reasonable period of time. I know that you'd like to keep her as a friend, but if she maintains this toxic attitude then you need to have a long think about it.

ILoveYourVibes

Honestly your friend sounds a little slow.

Augme

She's clearly upset you have started spending less time with her. If she won't admit it then you've two choices. keep putting up with her comments or start cutting her out of your life.

80sChild

She sounds possessive and jealous /resentful of your husband. Probably born out of loneliness and feeling you slipping away. She is going to end up pushing you to choose or defend your husband, at which point you will be the bad guy. You've created a monster here, best to insist talking it out before it erupts.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm from the "like it or lump it" school of thought when it comes to this. If your friend has chosen to stay single, that's her issue, not yours. While it's obvious that you've been a good friend to her, she's looking for more from you than a friend should give. Wanting you to fill the "partner" gap in her life is going too far. It could be a case of boundaries being off or simply a habit she's struggling to get over.

Has she ever explained why she's not interested in meeting somebody? Somebody has already asked if she might be a lesbian? Still, her sexuality (or asexuality) is largely irrelevant. You shouldn't have to be made feel bad for daring to spend time with your own husband. Go ahead and spend as much time with him as you want. Don't indulge her snide comments. Ignore them or dismiss them with a "whatever" type of comment. She is being childish and she's going to have to figure out how to have you as a less significant part of her life. I wouldn't indulge her any further. I can't see a conversation about this going well, even if you could get her to talk.

wiggle16

I agree with others here, she has taken "I'm going to spend more time with my husband" as "I'm going to spend less time with you". In a nutshell she's jealous. She sounds like she has a manipulative streak in her too.

Maybe she genuinely thinks this is something your husband is enforcing, but I'd doubt it. I'd say the snide comments to/about your husband "not letting you out" are an attempt to get you thinking along those lines, in the hope you'll feel the need to prove to both her and your husband that you're your own woman and will spend your time as you please (by spending time with her). It's directed at you more than at him. It might seem like I'm making more of it than what you've given but I have known plenty of people like this and while she might not be a bad person, she sounds like she fits the bill.

I agree with Ursus, I don't see you getting any joy from talking to her about this again, she's not going to engage with it or admit she's jealous. She's taken a dislike to your husband, and she's being slithery about it. By all means sit her down and tell her out straight to give it over, and if you do, tell her exactly what you wrote here:

my husband has never had an issue at all with this and still doesn't. Me & him simply discussed that between work and other things going on that we haven't really made each other a priority and so we both said look lets just spend a bit more time together even if it's just an evening at home having dinner etc. I guess it came from me as I realised that I was agreeing to go to outings/weddings/parties etc with my friend that I genuinely did not want to go to at all but felt that I had to go and i'd been doing this for a few years. I decided that what i would do is turn down just a few more of the invitations to things that I really hate the idea of going to -( there was quite a few weekend weddings that I was sitting at & realised that I didn't want to be there and could be at home with my husband instead)

Because that is perfectly reasonable. But I wouldn't expect much to come of it and if she continues behaving like this then I'd be calling time on the friendship.

My 15 year old daughter has a "friend" like this, forcing her to choose between her and other girls all the time.

Does your husband have a male friend he goes on holidays with and drops everything to be with him? I doubt it.

Your "friend" needs to get a life.

If you came on here and switched husband and friend in your original post, what would the comments be?

curiousJudg

Thanks for the advice guys I'm still unsure whether to just let it go and try and bat the snide comments away when they come up or really insist on her admitting to something..... which isn't really going to happen I fear. I'm just feel at our age that we should be able to sit down & talk like adults, i'm frustrated that my husband seems to be getting the blame genuinely for something he didn't instigate and wasn't involved in, he's a bit hurt by it as well. The reality is that i'm seeing a side to her that I hadn't seen before (other's had, as I mentioned my family raised some small concerns to me over the years) and i'm sorry I have seen that side now because now it's very hard to 'unsee' it and I hate the idea of me avoiding her and making excuses but I think i'm doing that now in fairness. I do see though from some of the posts made that I have allowed her to automatically see me as the plus one/fill in for partner & that's my own doing and I realistically should have addressed that years ago so it's all combined and led to this problem now.

Just to re-iterate I don't want to lose the friendship, also there is a wider circle of friends & work colleagues involved as well (none of them know anything about what's going on as far as I know - I certainly haven't said anything and tend not to tell tales anyway) and if our friendship was to implode it would affect people I work with/ our shared friend circle.

HildaOgdenx

Just to re-iterate I don't want to lose the friendship, also there is a wider circle of friends & work colleagues involved as well (none of them know anything about what's going on as far as I know - I certainly haven't said anything and tend not to tell tales anyway) and if our friendship was to implode it would affect people I work with/ our shared friend circle.

It doesn't need to implode, but you can certainly cool things off, without drama. Stop being available, go to something if it suits you, and if it doesn't, just say so.

From what you have said, there's no point trying to get her to talk it out. I would call her out on the snide remarks though. If she tries to say she is just being funny, say calmly 'it's not very funny though, is it?' Sometimes asking someone to repeat a 'smart' comment can take the wind out of their sails also.

It's interesting that others have observed something 'off' about her behaviour. And, as you have said, it's difficult to unsee something once you have seen it.
There's an expression about people in our lives being either drains or radiators.
I think it's clear which category she falls into.

wiggle16

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

If she tries to say she is just being funny, say calmly 'it's not very funny though, is it?'

+1 to this.

"If you're being funny then why aren't I laughing?"

valoren

Your friend sounds possessive and for her age, quite immature. She actually understands your desire to spend more time with your husband. You've tried to articulate that to her in a very reasonable and tactful manner. She privately knows she will see less of you and if she was not insecure then she would not be acting so passive aggressively. Given how possessive she sounds and given that you personally feel that you are a plus one for her to social occasions then what you actually might be is not a close friend but rather social proof for your friend i.e. in accompanying her to these events, you alleviate her possible embarrassment at being there alone. Your time is your time and if it can't be stretched anymore to keep your friend happy then there will be ongoing discord between you both. Her insinuating that your husband is the controlling one is possibly projection and for your friend it serves as a neat form of cognitive dissonance. Ideally, your friends personal life should include other friends, activities that are beyond YOU and do not include yourself. It is incredibly unhealthy that her supposed happiness seems dependent entirely on you. For her to be insinuating you are letting her down (when you aren't) is a form of interpersonal bullying, is very controlling and downright disrespectful to you personally. You are quite clearly empathetic, you quite clearly do not want to cause your friend distress but at the same time a conversation about the dynamic of you being in a relationship and her being a steadfast singleton and the mutual expectations from that might be needed. It's likely that through you attempting to address the situation she might exploit it to fall out with you, she might blame your husband to absolve herself of blame within the process so be mindful of that and state in no uncertain terms that you do not wish for any falling out between you both but that she needs to grasp the reality of one friend married/one friend single and take it for what it is.

I saw this personally with my wife. Before we met, she'd been friends for about six years with a woman who was perpetually single but who was being gently pressed by her mother in particular to settle down, marry and have a family. It was a weird dynamic but my wife thought they were friends. They went on holidays together, cruises, nights out. My wife tried to be her wing woman for her to meet someone. As my wife and I dated and ultimately married she still saw her friend but their contact was obviously not what it once was. It ultimately turned out that her friend met a guy she eventually married. Straight away she was stand offish, reluctant to talk or meet my wife socially. Within weeks of meeting him, my wife suddenly got a text from her which literally said "I don't see us being friends anymore. Best of luck with everything". My wife was devastated. She had clearly always just been social proof for her friend until she found someone she could settle down with. She was discarded of and she was deeply hurt by it. My point is people you think are friends may not be as close as you think they are.

I see the same thing with my sister in law, my wife's sister. She is 50, never married, very prudish. No interests, pursuits or hobbies. In the past two years she became re-acquainted with a former close friend she had formerly worked with and with whom she drifted apart from over a decade ago. They struck up a mutual friendship all over again but it was clear that her friend had other friends and she had other interests. This did not sit well with my sister in law. After that initial honeymoon period, she claimed she was routinely ignored and felt cut out whenever her friend was off doing her thing with other people and pursuing her private interests. Possessive, controlling and demanding of her time. You can tell what happened next. Her friend got blamed for having no time for my sister in law which was not the case at all and they have drifted apart again. Explaining her own responsibility in what happened to her is met with deflection, denial and distortions. Sounds to me like your friend is in a similar mould. Ageing, single with no interest in relationships, possessive, controlling and altogether blind to her own actions in causing a friendship to break down.

curiousJudg

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

If she tries to say she is just being funny, say calmly 'it's not very funny though, is it?'

This is pretty much what has happened I question the remark and she says oh god just joking have I hit a nerve etc so it almost (for her) verifies that yes she must have hit on something with my husband etc - it's the 'she doth protest too much' scenario and I know her and nothing will convince her otherwise especially not me trying to convince her otherwise. For my part I resent that I am forced to defend something (my marriage/husband) when there is nothing to defend & I've never ever had to defend it before. In fact the weird thing is that she and other friends in our holiday group all used to comment on how lucky I am because my husband never has a problem with us sodding off to Spain for a week here and there etc and is always the one that drops all of us to the airport, this is why the sudden rudeness and quietness with him is particularly hurtful for him.

BTW - The friendship has not always been like this and there are a huge amount of positives to it and to her as well - it's just this one little thing that she won't let go of that is driving me nuts.

Anyway thanks all for the advice even just talking about out loud in my head has cleared things up a bit for me - I don't want to discuss it with any mutual friends that's not my style - only myself and husband are aware of anything and i'll be keeping it that way if I can.

dixiefly

I do understand that she is a really close friend. However, if it had been myself and a conversation with my wife and a decision to spend more time together I would not relay that to anyone. That would be between ourselves and I would not say it to a friend like that.

If you had not mentioned it then you may have gotten away with gradually dropping some uninteresting invites without it now being perceived by her as part of your effort to increase time with husband and in so doing phase her out.

That said you are TOTALLY in your rights to take the approach that you have taken.

curiousJudg

dixiefly wrote: »

If you had not mentioned it then you may have gotten away with gradually dropping some uninteresting invites without it now being perceived by her as part of your effort to increase time with husband and in so doing phase her out.

That said you are TOTALLY in your rights to take the approach that you have taken.

Oh god how i WISH I had not said anything at all, the only reason it was said was that I had turned down a few things in a row and she basically confronted me on it and said that I was cooling off on the friendship and she asked me what she had done wrong so I then explained things to her. I honestly I thought I was doing the right thing by her in that I was letting her know that it wasn't her it was me if you know what I mean and I just wish to god I'd said nothing.

wiggle16

curiousJudg wrote: »

Oh god how i WISH I had not said anything at all, the only reason it was said was that I had turned down a few things in a row and she basically confronted me on it and said that I was cooling off on the friendship and she asked me what she had done wrong so I then explained things to her. I honestly I thought I was doing the right thing by her in that I was letting her know that it wasn't her it was me if you know what I mean and I just wish to god I'd said nothing.

Ah in fairness she put you in that position. I agree with the above poster about not telling her and just becoming less available - and that's exactly what you tried to do. She picked up on it and confronted you and you told her the truth. But instead of being relieved that she had done nothing wrong and respecting your decision, she's turned your husband/marriage into an adversary.

This was probably bound to happen at some stage. She sounds possessive and feels she's entitled to your time.

There's not a lot you can do other than sitting her down and making it clear to her that this BS has to stop, the digs are not on and you find the whole thing upsetting. Either way OP you did absolutely nothing wrong.

robbiezero

hawley wrote: »

I think you need to explain to her that you can't attend as many events as in the past. You could ask your husband to ring her and explain that he's not behind anything or trying to separate you from her. He could tell her that he feels comfortable with the friendship between you and her. She will probably get over it within a reasonable period of time. I know that you'd like to keep her as a friend, but if she maintains this toxic attitude then you need to have a long think about it.

If I was the husband, not a hope would I do that.

Emme

OP does she have any other friends? You say she doesn't want to meet somebody but does she really mean this? Is she tied down by caring for family members and you are the only social outlet she has? If not there are no excuses for her. If so cut her a little slack but don't tolerate any passive aggressive comments - pull her up on it immediately.

Does she live in a place where she could meet more people? She needs to grow up, get off her backside and start making her own life a bit more. I am single myself and late 40s. It really isn't easy but you have to get on with it. Why do you have to go on holidays with her unless you really want to? She could go away on a group trip and it might help her meet new people or at least she wouldn't be depending on you for holidays all the time.

She will have to make the effort herself. Nobody is going to come knocking on her door. I hope for her sake you live in or near a city because in rural areas single women in their 40s and up tend to be shunned. You and your husband have been more than good to her but you need to spend time together. It's very unusual for a married woman to spend so much time with a single friend, she doesn't realise how lucky she is. Most women tend to drift away from single friends once they get into a relationship let alone get married. Again if she gets nasty or passive-aggressive pull her up on it and give her advice on making her own life.

HildaOgdenx

curiousJudg wrote: »

Oh god how i WISH I had not said anything at all, the only reason it was said was that I had turned down a few things in a row and she basically confronted me on it and said that I was cooling off on the friendship and she asked me what she had done wrong so I then explained things to her. I honestly I thought I was doing the right thing by her in that I was letting her know that it wasn't her it was me if you know what I mean and I just wish to god I'd said nothing.

Ah don't blame yourself for that. You answered a question honestly to someone whom you thought was a good friend.
In some ways, what has happened could ultimately be a good thing because it brought this behaviour of hers to your attention. I know it doesn't feel like that right now.

I used to work with a guy years ago whose sole aim in life was to get a rise out of others. Not a very nice creature. I used to just agree with him when he said anything designed to rise me. But in a way that made it clear I was being sarcastic. So if she won't talk stuff out, and tries to pretend she is being funny, you could try saying haha yes, that is right, he won't let me go, haha.
I am generally more inclined to call something out calmly and quietly, but that approach wouldn't have worked with that particular bucko.

One last thing, I wouldn't let it upset you or your husband any more. The problem really is hers, imo.

curiousJudg

Emme wrote: »

OP does she have any other friends? You say she doesn't want to meet somebody but does she really mean this? .

I won't go into too many details here if you don't mind as I don't want anybody to recognise her, suffice to say there was a tragedy a number of years ago in her life and she is quite decisive about not meeting anybody, I don't believe this is just something that she's saying I think she means it. Otherwise she has some other friends, some live on the other side of the country so a lot of their friendships would be over the phone, she has friends nearer but they wouldn't be all that close, rather they might just have the odd dinner together or something. We then have a common group of friend/colleagues formed via a love of hillwalking. She's great craic to be fair and always up a good laugh when we're out - I've probably painted a picture of some old maid here but that's not the case at all.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe just say "I'm sorry you see it that way" next time she makes snarky comment and move on. Perhaps as much as anything else, she needs to come to terms on her own head with you not being her de facto other half. There are a lot of nastier things you could say (those comments are getting boring/if you've got something to say, say it now or don't mention it again) but they won't go down well at all.

Kenny B

It's a no win situation, unless the Friend realises for themself they can't have 1st call all the time.

I've seen it from the outside, 2 Friends similar to you, the husband eventually felt left out and wanted some of the experiences for himself and the wife, similarly as mentioned above he was previously supportive of all sorts of shenanigans the friends got up.

For the couple I know, I have heard that as the couple spend more time together, there are occasional smartarse remarks from the Friend about them, but it's very brief and not too caustic.

Other friends taking up the slack was key, but in busy holiday periods I can still sense a disturbance in the force.

leggo

“There you go, you did it again.”
“Did what?”
“The smart remarks I mentioned before.”
“Ah it was a joke calm down, I must have hit a nerve.”
“You actually are bothering me with these comments now that you mention it. I have done nothing wrong here, it’s perfectly normal for someone to want to spend quality time with their husband. I apologise if I’ve built up an expectation over the years that I’d always be available to every social occasion, unfortunately that came at the expense of spending time with my husband, which I realised I wanted independently. He is my priority and, while I’m not saying I won’t be available for anything from now on as I’d definitely like to still make time for you, there will be some things that I can’t attend from now on. I’m sorry if that upsets you, it’s actually nothing to do with you and you’ve done nothing wrong, but it’s something you need to accept as I’ve no patience for the smart comments anymore.”

That doesn’t leave her much room to go and nothing there is unreasonable.

Katgurl

I would address every remark. Just something as simple as "why are you saying that"? Or "I don't think that's fair."

She may not realise she is doing it. People really hate change. I have a friend who has never forgiven me for getting serious about my career. She thought I'd be the same teenage rebel who dragged her into trouble forever. I wish I was joking.

It's not your job to be your friend's life partner. You have chosen your life partner. Is she in love with you by any chance?

Also I cannot believe anyone suggested your husband made a pass at her!