16 year old son staying out all night and refusing to come home

Hannaho

Earlier in the year my son started smoking - picked up the habit from my nephew. About a month ago, my son, who is 16 and has a job, started refusing to adhere to curfews, wouldn't come home on time, came home with drink taken a few times. I have tried everything, giving no money, curfews, removing XBox, etc. Really worried Think he picked up a lot of these beheaviours from my nephew who is a couple of months older. My son becomes verbally aggressive when he has drink taken. I am worried that he will encounter the wrong person and get injured. Scared and worried. Had contacted Tusla for advice and they were going to get him in contact with Meitheal programme, but he refused to participate. Gardai not interested unless he he missing for 24 hours. He is only just 16. Any advice/ideas??

RocketRaccoon

Refuse to cook for him, lock the doors when he's home late, take away his phone.

Hannaho

I am nervous about taking away his phone in case he gets into trouble/bother and needs to call us. I have locked the door - well locked the inner door of the porch, and left him a space to sleep in the porch with duvet etc. Re cooking - he is quite a good basic cook anyway.

animum

Hi Hannaho,

Just to say, sorry to hear about your troubles, you must be worried sick. I was that 16 year old myself, many moons ago, and I was doing it, because I was acting out/ trying to find myself etc.. I broke my parents heart.

I can see that from your post that he does come home, that is a positive and you will want him to keep coming home of course. So I wouldn't lock him out. That will give him more fuel to act out, and you have no idea what house or situation will take him in for the night. Can you speak to the parents of the nephew? Maybe the other parent is thinking it your child is the bad influence and doesn't know how to approach you about it? So maybe meet with them and ask, how ye are all to deal with it together?

When I didn't come home at night, I was out drinking with other kids and most of them their parents didn't care, their homes were unhappy and they felt their parents wouldn't even look for them , or they were locked out when they got home. My door was always open, whether i deserved it or not, and I guess as I 'matured' a little, i realized, the punishments etc, were cos they cared.. it took me a year or two though.. So best of luck with it. Try to reach out to a friend if you can.

TheBoyConor

There isn't really much you can do only be there to support when it all goes wrong for him. The more you try to control or discourage the behaviour the more he is going to act out and do it in spite of you. That is just what teenagers do.

Him getting into a fight and getting a black eye or broken nose or broken teeth, as bad is it sounds, might actually be a positive thing for him. It'll teach him a lesson of the world that you can't just go around being a arse to people - there are consequences to actions and you gotta check yourself sometimes.

AndrewJRenko

You have my sympathies. Teenagers are difficult.

I wonder if the issues raised are symptoms of relationship breakdown rather than the cause. Is there bigger issues going on here that led to his alienation from the family.

LegacyUser

Wondering did it resolve with your son and how things are now. My son also 16 has dropped out of school and I’ve hardly seen him since Christmas. Smoking weed and drinking he now has an allocated social worker as he is in bother with the Gardai I’m at my wits end with him