Friend has gone radio silent, bit confused...

JW_20_93

Graduated with a MSc in Sept 2018 and struggled to land a job, typical college-leaver problems. To earn some cash and relevant experience I started on the factory floor at a small Medical Device company in my hometown.

I met her through my 8 months working there, and we totally hit it off and clicked, teasing, banter, flirting etc. She is from another country and the only reason she is here was for another man who she has had her fair share of complications... had a child with another woman behind her back, were broken up for a while too.

Others started picking up on our chemistry and began questioning us, however she got back together with the other guy (who valets cars) towards the latter stages of my time working there, and turns out, she's engaged to him. I get the feeling of settling and somewhat unhappiness there. But I could be totally wrong. Its just a feeling on my part.

Three months ago, I got the big break and landed the dream job in another city, not too far from home. I got offered a Research Scientist position in cancer diagnostics at a flagship research center.

When I told her I was leaving, she was happy for me but also she sorted of choked up, didn't know what to say, couldn't hold eye contact etc. She demanded that I should keep in touch with her! I received a goodbye card from the team and by the looks of it she was the first one to sign it with a heartfelt message, that stood out from the rest.

I kept in touch with her, for about a month after leaving. During chit chat I happened to mention that I had a date. Few days later she asked if I went on this date... I replied "Yes, why? Smiley Emoji", asked another question, no response. Reached out two weeks ago after about a month to see how she is, she hasn't even opened the message and has been online almost everyday.

What gives? I did like her, but she did get back with her boyfriend after all... She wanted to stay in touch too...

cannotlogin

Your judgment seems a little off to be honest.

There's no way that a recent graduate's departure sent shockwaves through a company!!! Like, really? You are not that important.

Given your view of that situation, it's difficult to take the rest at face value & not question whether you are reading too much into it too.

Either way, it's best leaving anyone with a boyfriend alone, no matter what the circumstances. Forget about her until she is single.

NB - OP, you edited your post after mine!

leggo

This is very dramatic. One thing that stood out for me is that you seem to put more stock into how others react to you than perhaps they do: for example when you described you getting another job as sending ‘shockwaves’ throughout the entire company. I’ve worked a fair few jobs and seen a lot of people leave and move on and never come across something like that. People can be happy for you, some might miss you and be a bit sad, some may be jealous but that’s more a reflection of how they feel about their own lack of progression, but most realistically don’t care that much and just get on with things.

The reason I bring that up is because I think there’s the reality of this situation and how you’ve perceived it. Most people who engage in workplace flirting are just bored and looking to pass the day quicker, it means nothing until it’s actually consummated and something happens and then the question of “do I mean something to this person?” only starts to get asked. The most likely reading of this is that that’s what you were to this person. She never made a move, she got back with her boyfriend, she was single at the same time you were single and nothing happened. In a situation with the intense feelings you describe, if they were real I’d say something would’ve happened when you were both single. She’s probably a bit upset her workplace flirting buddy is leaving and she doesn’t have that aspect to her working day anymore. She may have had the same thought as you but you going on a date likely put that to bed. And I’m sorry but she probably didn’t open your message because she just didn’t care about it that much.

Besides, she’s with someone so even if your hunch was true, that’d make her a person capable of cheating so how good of a girlfriend would she even be? You can talk yourself into thinking she’s a victim stuck in a horrible relationship waiting for you, a brave deserving man, to free her...but really there’s no evidence of that. I’d chalk this one up to experience and let it go.

bitofabind

She’s engaged to another man, so even if there are/were feelings there, nothing can happen. Maybe she liked the attention but now that you’re not in each other’s lives anymore, she doesn’t see the point in staying in touch.

Life gets a lot simpler when you decide to only pursue or focus on the women that ARE actually physically and emotionally available to you. This woman is not. She didn’t open your message precisely for that reason. So move on and find someone available to you.

The White Feather

Yes as others have said, you were just a workplace guy that she could flirt with and tell her problems. You made her work time go quicker and nicer by chatting and having a slight banter with flirting.

In short, it means you were the plan B. The backup. If things completely broke down with her guy then you were next in line. People love having these kind of friends. Both men and women do it. Its nice to have a feeling of a backup if things go wrong with their main relationship. Generally though even if she acted on it with you, she would end up going back to him once things had blown over. So in a way you got out okay. It shouldn't be done but unfortunately happens a lot.

Its quite obvious to me that when you left she was hoping to keep you in the hook. The dramatic "I'm so upset at you going" vibe and this puts a you-were-so close to having us go further idea in your head.I think this is what she was trying to do.In other words, who will give me attention now? When you said you went on a date then that's it from her point of view. She was hoping that you would keep feeding her ego and listen to her problems. Its like the Chris Rock joke. You were a D*ck in a glass case. In case of emergency break open glass!!!

I know this as I was in that position too before and it takes ages to realise that you are in this spot. You like her as a friend and like chatting to her but she views you as an ego boost and a just-in-case-guy. Once you are having a date with someone means that you arent sitting there waiting for the call from her so thats it. She puts out the unhappiness vibe so you would do a bit of chasing for her and feed her ego. It may or may not have been true but it will keep you in hope of maybe more in the future. She will move on and have a new guy in your old position.

Be happy that you are away from her. Friends like her you don't need.It will take time but try to see through people like her who want a back up or ego boost as you will end up getting hurt. Now you just feel hurt as the friendship is gone but if you had an affair it would feel a hundred times worse.

leggo

I dunno if I’d frame it like the OP is a victim here: I mean, he got the exact same benefits from this relationship as she did and was always aware of her relationship status. If she’d lied about it and let him think she was single and interested when she wasn’t, then fair enough she’d have led him on a bit. But what seems to have happened here is the OP didn’t read the room and is putting more into a bit of workplace flirting than is actually there. That’s not on her. It’s a tough but valuable lesson to learn that you’re often not as important to others as you think you might be.

LegacyUser

OP the question is do you really want a woman like this who flirts with other guys and plays games even when engaged? Consider it a life lesson and a lucky escape.

ManOfMystery

It seems some details have been edited out - but going by the general tone of your post, the other posters mentioning your 'shockwaves' comment, the reference to her partner valeting cars (what bearing does that have on anything?), I get the feeling that you are are placing much more importance on your own status and position than others do.

There's nothing wrong with a reality check now and again. When people leave, it does not send shockwaves through a company. We've had MDs, CEOs, senior parties in hugely important roles with 40yr+ tenures leave and you know what? People hear the news, process it, they get replaced and life goes on.

As others have said, this was merely a workplace flirtation for this girl. You are placing much more importance on the flirting and on her perception of you than it actually was. If she cared that much, something would have happened. Reading between the lines (her goodbye message, her text to you) is grand but means you can often miss the glaring bold print in front of you : nothing actually happened.

Ursus Horribilis

This was your first proper job, right? From reading your post (I didn't see the original version) and the comments on the bits you edited out, you don't yet understand how workplace friendships work. No matter how well you get on with colleagues in a workplace, the chances of keeping the friendship going afterwards are slim. Not impossible but most people will tell you that contact tends to fizzle out. You'll be quickly forgotten about in your old workplace too. You'll see the very same thing happening where you work now, no matter how important you think any colleague is.

What you had with your work friend sounds like it was a bit of a diversion for her, nothing more. I'm sure she was sad to see you go at the start but now that you're not a constant in her day to day life, you're not of much use to her. Besides, her personal situation reads like a disaster waiting to happen. Her personal life is complicated and she's only in Ireland because of this fella. That translates to me as she doesn't intend to stay in Ireland permanently. Really, this is better off fizzling out. If you're still young (and I assume you are), there are plenty of women out there who don't have the baggage that this one has.

Chelle_C

I had to go back and read your post again as I was confused as to the relevance of you telling us his job?

The only explanation I can come up with is that you think you’re somehow better than him due to the difference in your chosen career paths?
If that’s the case then she made the right choice in choosing him.

Best thing you can do fir yourself now is stop checking if she’s online, delete the message thread as well as her number and move on.

Jurgen Klopp

Frankly I think she'd be better off away from both of you.

Him as a cheat and I'm sorry but you seriously have notions of yourself lad. Shockwaves cause you are leaving? The fact the other fella valets cars had to be mentioned? I mean my God how dare a woman not fall at the feet of a self perceived better prospect?

You need to deflate that ego

ILoveYourVibes

Things happen for a reason ..what is meant for you in love or friendship won't pass you by.

Strumms

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Frankly I think she'd be better off away from both of you.

Him as a cheat and I'm sorry but you seriously have notions of yourself lad. Shockwaves cause you are leaving? The fact the other fella valets cars had to be mentioned? I mean my God how dare a woman not fall at the feet of a self perceived better prospect?

You need to deflate that ego

100%. Sorry but lost any and all sympathy I had after the car valet remark.. you want to go away and have a serious word with yourself OP... not attractive.

lainey_d_123

Your delusions of grandeur are really cringeworthy and embarrassing. You seem to have this hugely inflated view of your own importance in the world. You're a recent graduate. Your departure did not send 'shockwaves' through the company. I'm sure they barely cared. You seem to think your new job makes you special. It doesn't. Lots of people have good jobs. You seem to think you're better than the fella she's with because he valets cars. That's arrogant and spiteful. You think this girl is in love with you because she used to chat and flirt a bit at work when in reality she's moved on and is busy living her life. The keeping in touch stuff is what everyone says when someone leaves a job. It's quite possible she had some notion of keeping in touch so you could be a back-up plan for her, but in appears she isn't even interested in that now.

Basically you need to cop yourself on a bit tbh! You are not the centre of everyone's universe.

LuciX

<SNIPPED>

wiggle16

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MEGA BRO WOLF 5000

JW_20_93 wrote: »

however she got back together with the other guy (who valets cars) towards the latter stages of my time working there

You sound like an absolute asshat.

If you'd any common sense you'd realise she's "off limits", engaged etc. Playing you for a fool. She said she'd keep in contact because that's what people say, and they rarely do. Move on.