Girl I’m seeing told me I didn’t match what she thought her bf would be like

completedit

She said that she always imagined being with a ‘serious’ guy and would be a sort of ‘power couple, she said I’m so smiley and light-hearted and she’s divided between her head and her heart. She then took a second to think and was like ‘you are serious, look how you responded to this and that’ but she means in my general aura I believe. What to do with this information. I don’t have hang ups about myself but always wish I had more ‘alpha’ qualities and here is the girl who likes me basically implying I amn’t alpha enough. I truly respect her honesty and she told me ‘to not take the information the wrong way’ she just had to tell me. She had been asking me for months what we were, then i told her I really liked her and wanted more and she has sort of backed off and taken stock of what we are. I can respect that but not sure how to take what she told me? What do you think?

completedit

completedit wrote: »

She said that she always imagined being with a ‘serious’ guy and would be a sort of ‘power couple, she said I’m so smiley and light-hearted and she’s divided between her head and her heart. She then took a second to think and was like ‘you are serious, look how you responded to this and that’ but she means in my general aura I believe. What to do with this information. I don’t have hang ups about myself but always wish I had more ‘alpha’ qualities and here is the girl who likes me basically implying I amn’t alpha enough. I truly respect her honesty and she told me ‘to not take the information the wrong way’ she just had to tell me. She had been asking me for months what we were, then i told her I really liked her and wanted more and she has sort of backed off and taken stock of what we are. I can respect that but not sure how to take what she told me? What do you think?

Wrong forum, but personally id cut her loose to find someone who appreciates you for who you are. You dont sound well matched.

Diemos

Probably in the wrong forum. But it sounds like you need to move on.
I can't explain why (now it's just my experience) but girls in their late 20s/early 30s have this thing for sabotaging relationships
It seems they form this idea about the 'perfect' man and how you are viewed as a couple, if you don't fit the bill they have 'doubts'.

My advice walk away, if she stays she will always be looking around thinking she settled, otherwise she will dump you shortly.

In 2 years you will get a call saying that it was a mistake and you are the one.
Walk away and save yourself from this headfcuk. Don't put up with this immature bs.

completedit

Can we move this to the proper forum. Really thanks for the advice.

I really need support and where to go from here.

Do you think I should appreciate her honesty?

We just sat down for a coffee and it was casual, we even kissed and made plans for the week but she wanted to tell me that she was uncertain too, she had thought I wasn’t commited but then when it became clear that I wanted more, this prompted other questions for her, we’re not from the same country but due to studying we’ve been in the same place and due to be here until Christmas but then we’ll have to make the move but I think her bringing up that I don’t match an ideal, means we’re probably doomed to fail even if she really finds me attractive which she does. She’s the furthest I’ve got with a relationship with someone. Last night when she asked me what my view was on her and our future, I asked her to be my girlfriend, but all this did was bring to ahead a conversation about other legitimate issues that we have to contend with such as the cards that have to fall into place for us to happen.

Also she did add that she is well aware of that she should be careful what she wishes for and fears that my attitude and care free attitude would impact on her. I think she thinks I’m a bit of a dossier who is a bit of fun and a laugh.


We do have something, our temperament and zany personalities are similar, she’s a bit more headstrong and rigid than I am, whereas i’m Laidback and have a carefree attitude.


I’m 29 btw, she’s 25.

Wesser

seems to me she is the kind of person who.is very focussed on external.appearances, what people think of her, how things appear and not being honest and truthful and genuine. you are not an eejit, you are a genuine person and my suggestion is that you are not suited to eachother and you should let this relationship end.

Dj Stiggie

Sounds like she was too weak to end it herself so she kept pushing the 'you aren't serious enough' card, hoping you'd go, 'Yeah you're right, maybe we should call it a day?' but instead you doubled down and told her you wanted more and now she's freaking out.

Even if it's not exactly that, there is mind games going on that you don't need in your life. End it, take some time to get your head together, don't let it knock your confidence and move on. Best of luck!

completedit

Just to add we talked about an hour ago and she was like we should see more of each other and hang out more. She wasn’t being antagonistic with the comment, I think she’s just trying to contend with all the question marks.

completedit

Thanks for the input guys seriously.

completedit

Dj Stiggie wrote: »

Sounds like she was too weak to end it herself so she kept pushing the 'you aren't serious enough' card, hoping you'd go, 'Yeah you're right, maybe we should call it a day?' but instead you doubled down and told her you wanted more and now she's freaking out.

Even if it's not exactly that, there is mind games going on that you don't need in your life. End it, take some time to get your head together, don't let it knock your confidence and move on. Best of luck!

In what way do you think it was mind games? Just genuinely curious, it wasn’t a confrontational comment, basically we’d had 1 month together in June, 3 months long distance and now been back here since September. The whole dynamic of the relationship changed with me saying I wanted more. It raised other questions like where do we go from here. I don’t think she was being bad, she apologized for pushing and pressuring me. But I think she’s basically gone from wanting something serious to taking a step back and seeing how it goes.

saabsaab

Dj Stiggie wrote: »

Sounds like she was too weak to end it herself so she kept pushing the 'you aren't serious enough' card, hoping you'd go, 'Yeah you're right, maybe we should call it a day?' but instead you doubled down and told her you wanted more and now she's freaking out.

Even if it's not exactly that, there is mind games going on that you don't need in your life. End it, take some time to get your head together, don't let it knock your confidence and move on. Best of luck!

I'm inclined to go with most of this from experience. Sometimes a person wants the other to break it off first perhaps in an unconscious way. I would say that it is over between you or will be soon. Better to move on.

completedit

Literally the night before she was up until 3am asking me ‘just tell me how you see us’ and wanting clarification so I dont think she was ending it. We even made plans for next week and she told me to ‘please not take her comment the wrong way’ and wanted to hang out more even saying ‘worst case scenario these are our last 8 weeks, best case we become even closer’

Doubt the longevity of this but I do think she likes me a lot.

I know you guys are only commenting with the information provided. And I’m not a head in the sand guy. The comment and conversation has changed the whole relationship dynamic, but I don’t think she wants to throw in the towel. I think she was so set on my lack of commitment, she didn’t think about her own. The way I see it, I like her as a person and if we have enough of a rapport, we will want to continue it past December when we need to make a big decision. But maybe that’s just kicking the proverbial can down the road!

saabsaab

Sounds like she is having a bit of an internal battle over ending or not. I would say that you have to go but it is your situation so take it as you see fit but keep your self-respect.

completedit

That’s my dilemma, my self-respect.

Really the big thing is the image she had in her head. How important is it that I don’t match that. She is definitely having an internal battle, but should I just tell her, I appreciate her honesty and thank you, but I don’t think no matter what I’d always have that in my head. My personality and perhaps my passiveness and maybe lack of feeling traditionally masculine is one of my biggest hangups(I’m a happy guy just saying and I am what I am) but just saying.

Diemos

completedit wrote: »

In what way do you think it was mind games? Just genuinely curious, it wasn’t a confrontational comment, basically we’d had 1 month together in June, 3 months long distance and now been back here since September. The whole dynamic of the relationship changed with me saying I wanted more. It raised other questions like where do we go from here. I don’t think she was being bad, she apologized for pushing and pressuring me. But I think she’s basically gone from wanting something serious to taking a step back and seeing how it goes.

I know you have read the posts but have you taken any of them in?
We've all been in your position, you are mad about this girl but alarm bells are sounding so you came here to get a second opinion. Read the posts and take a deep breath.
Ask yourself:
Should it be this much effort and struggle this early?
Why is she throwing up roadblocks?
Am I clinging to something because this is the most serious thing I've had and I am terrified of losing it, beit good, bad or indifferent?

She sounds too immature to give you what you are looking for.

But you know way more than we do.
Listen to your gut not the fear of being single.
Best of luck.

completedit

Would finding out that you don’t match the image the girl had in your head be a game changer for you guys?

Definitely, I just don’t wanna throw in the towel hastily. I’ve done a average job at explaining the situation but there’s more to it, she’s not irish(she’s from south Eastern Europe), we’ve done 3 months long distance already, she does like me, she wasn’t cold with me afterwards, she messaged me and sent the messages that I mentioned above. But yeah, maybe I should just be like I’ve always wanted to feel like I’m a catch. I am quite a passive guy though so part of the reason her image annoys me is coz I amn’t that guy.

Diemos

completedit wrote: »

Would finding out that you don’t match the image the girl had in your head be a game changer for you guys?

Definitely, I just don’t wanna throw in the towel hastily. I’ve done a average job at explaining the situation but there’s more to it, she’s not irish(she’s from south Eastern Europe), we’ve done 3 months long distance already, she does like me, she wasn’t cold with me afterwards, she messaged me and sent the messages that I mentioned above. But yeah, maybe I should just be like ‘It’s important that I fit the image of what you want’

Let's say you had an image of the type of girl you like (brunette, curvy etc.) But you meet a skinny red head and even though she doesn't tick one box you are instantly attracted to her.
Would the fact that she was not what you had envisaged make the slightest difference?
Not at all would be my guess, so why would it be an issue for her.

completedit

I think women are hardwired different, or least she is. She said I’m her exact type in looks, just personality wise not so. What she said exactly was ‘I always had in my head that I would end up with a super serious, professional guy, and you’re so smiley, and carefree and joyful’

leggo

This is 100% ending in you getting hurt if you pursue it, badly if you push it. You’re trying to rationalise everything when, if you’re in a healthy relationship, there’s no ‘buts’ or talk about how it could end any minute. That’s the kind of language a person uses when they’ve one eye on the door and they want to be able to say “But I tried to warn you...” as they hit the eject button. When you’re mad about someone, you don’t want to mess it up and don’t speak in terms of the relationship ending because you don’t want it to and don’t want to tempt fate. For example: do you constantly tell her ways she’s not what you had in mind or speak of how it’s all probably going to end soon? And you can make all the excuses you want for her but none of them will change that simple fact.

bitofabind

You’re in some sort of scarcity mindset because you don’t have much relationship experience. So you’re thinking “if I can’t make it work with this girl I’m doomed!” and ignoring some major red flags.

You shouldn’t have to convince or cajole someone into being with you. They should feel like the luckiest person ever to have met you and fcuk what they thought this hypothetical “you” would look like. That’s the thing about relationships, they usually happen when you’re not expecting it and look nothing like what you thought it would in your head. She sounds really immature and like a headwrecker.

Headwrecking aside, she lives in a different country. Are you going to move to be with her? Is she going to move back to Ireland to be with you? Here’s a word of advice that will save you a lot of time - long distance does not work when both sides are not 110% committed, which she’s clearly not.

Respect yourself and shut this down. And maybe spend some time working on your insecurities. Sounds like they’re consistently getting you into trouble.

completedit

So we talked tonight she brought up the comment and told m that she wanted to clarify it. She said this was just an idea that I had I also value closeness and connection which this would-be idea wouldn't deliver. She said that this was just an ideal she had imagined and maybe I was more actually in line with her true light hearted self
I do like this girl, a lot but actually I don't fall easily. I'm just loyal and like her. Would be nice if it worked out but life can happen.

leggo

Yeaaaaahh...that sounds like dancing around the point to keep you interested enough that you stick around while she wants someone there but she has her excuse ready for when she doesn’t. You’re gonna do what you’re gonna do regardless, some people have to learn the hard way and I don’t judge you for it, but when this goes where it’s going and you’re looking for answers look back on this moment for future reference as to how it sounds when someone warns you ahead of time what they’re going to do. This is standard behaviour for a certain kind of person.

completedit

What if I just use her for what it is. Experience.

How we I'm a romantic heart in it guy, what do you guys recommend I do? She's kinda my best friend here as well as girl I'm with so in a rock and a hard plaxe

leggo

Sure you *could* ‘use her’, but again I suggest this is rationalising on your part to talk yourself back into this situation, because in your next sentence you double down and say she’s your best friend. See this is all extra stuff you’re putting into it that she’s not. With my best mates, I don’t leave them with the feeling that I could just bail on them at any second when I feel like it. And, at the end of the day, this is a person you only know a few months (and you’ve spent the majority of those living in different countries) so realistically she’s likely not your best friend and it’s clear she doesn’t hold the same loyalty to you. What’s more likely is that this gambit of pushing you away is making you get clingy and amplify how much she means to you in your mind.

It can be difficult to separate these feelings in the moment when you experience them, which is why it’s instructive to look at how healthy situations are and how yours is different. But often, like I said, you just have to burn your hand on a hob to realise hobs are hot. It feels crazy to think about leaving when you don’t have experience to see this all coming, I get it, but once you go through it then you learn to run a mile from this carry on because you know what’s coming.

Random question: it’s pretty late when we’re talking, are you unable to sleep thinking about this?

completedit

leggo wrote: »

Sure you *could* ‘use her’, but again I suggest this is rationalising on your part to talk yourself back into this situation, because in your next sentence you double down and say she’s your best friend. See this is all extra stuff you’re putting into it that she’s not. With my best mates, I don’t leave them with the feeling that I could just bail on them at any second when I feel like it. And, at the end of the day, this is a person you only know a few months (and you’ve spent the majority of those living in different countries) so realistically she’s likely not your best friend and it’s clear she doesn’t hold the same loyalty to you. What’s more likely is that this gambit of pushing you away is making you get clingy and amplify how much she means to you in your mind.

It can be difficult to separate these feelings in the moment when you experience them, which is why it’s instructive to look at how healthy situations are and how yours is different. But often, like I said, you just have to burn your hand on a hob to realise hobs are hot. It feels crazy when you don’t have experience to see this all coming, I get it, but once you go through it then you learn to run a mile from this carry on because you know what’s coming.

Random question: it’s pretty late when we’re talking, are you unable to sleep thinking about this?

Actually I'm good. I'm all ears actually. But the feedback is ominous. I just don't know how I should say it to her. We actually know each other since last August tho. But only for together in June. I have a loyalty to her because she approached me, then she found out I was a virgin but she showed patience empathy and compassion which I truly can't forget. It took a weight off my mind and was a huge ego boost seeing a attractive girl give me the time. Had had a few bad experiences with failing to get it up in the past and girls ghosting and felt I was broken. She came along and I went from someone who was perceived as good looking to feeling like a sexual guy for first time in my life. Its just sex and I'm not hugely sexual but as a weight it was a huge one off my back.

She's my best friend here as in the one I do stuff with, hang out with, best friend might be pushing it but I know her on a level I haven't with any girl before anyway.

What would you message her. Keep in mind we share the same class. Her mum and dad are over next week, should I wait and see if she invites me to meet them? She was all about this a while back when she felt I was more on the fence.

Always Tired

She expected to be part of a 'power couple.' Just the thought of this statement makes me gag, it's so gross. God knows what other delusions she holds for how her life should be but I wouldn't stick around to find out and take the blame for when her expectations aren't met. If someone I was dating told me that, I would be done, leave her to her Fifty Shades of Grey fantasies and tell her to join elitesingles dot com. Rather than be subjected to whatever further ridiculous expectations and demands this little princess has in store.

If she asked why I'd say I always imagined myself with someone who wasn't a gold digger. And that I was also expecting my partner would look like Margot Robbie or Emrata.

It's obvious she already thinks she can do better so why give her the chance to hurt you when she finds the sugar daddy she wants to trade you in for. She's just keeping you around until he arrives.

leggo

Well I can only tell you how I’d go about it personally. If I had a girl give me this runaround BS and waffle, I’d figure out a nice way of saying I didn’t think we’d be a good fit long term and get far away from it in favour of finding someone who was sure they wanted me and I didn’t feel like I had to constantly cajole to keep interested. Obviously I can’t write a script for you as I don’t know the ins and outs, but in truth that stuff is easy and works itself out once you put things into perspective and get it into your head.

You can appreciate what someone meant to you and also recognise that they’re not a good fit for you at the same time. The worst ex I ever had also happened to be a rock for me when my grandad passed away. I’ll never forget that and we actually get on well now, but I shudder at the thought of ever going back to that.

completedit

Always Tired wrote: »

She expected to be part of a 'power couple.' Just the thought of this statement makes me gag, it's so gross. God knows what other delusions she holds for how her life should be but I wouldn't stick around to find out and take the blame for when her expectations aren't met. If someone I was dating told me that, I would be done, leave her to her Fifty Shades of Grey fantasies and tell her to join elitesingles dot com. Rather than be subjected to whatever further ridiculous expectations and demands this little princess has in store.

If she asked why I'd say I always imagined myself with someone who wasn't a gold digger. And that I was also expecting my partner would look like Margot Robbie or Emrata.

It's obvious she already thinks she can do better so why give her the chance to hurt you when she finds the sugar daddy she wants to trade you in for. She's just keeping you around until he arrives.

True but can’t be a ****. And honestly, I never had any preconceived images of what a partner would look like. Just take it as they come, if I find them attractive, enjoy their vibe, it’s qualities rather than image. I suppose her qualities she imagined are just manifested in this ultra serious professional sort. Bit weird but whatever. expectations So I couldn’t have come back with the Margot Robbie blonde bombshell image to hurt her feelings by saying she wasn’t what I imagined coz wouldn’t have been true.
Honestly, the story isn’t that fleshed out here, but ultimately I think we have enough barriers to making us happen without having to contend with the caveat of me ‘not fitting her childhood/teenage’ image of what she imagined her partner to be like. It’s fine now I guess, I’m fresh, deviating from what she expected but down the line, she’s pretty much given herself an out. She sees me as good fun, she said she was scared my carefree attitude would take over her as she knows that she has the tendency to conform to people she’s close with. She also said she realizes in 3 years time she might be over this academic career focus path she finds herself on. She’s conditioned herself to be hard-working and really sees upward mobility through a career as be all and end all(she says naturally she would be quite jovial and she is, but has a more earnest side) She’s adopted as well and I think her parents are quite strict and serious, so I think she’s contending with who she even is, and what her natural wants are.

Suppose the question is do I want to prove that I can be a ‘serious’ guy? I explained to her I was happy for her to see me as this fun outgoing guy but that she is seeing me in a very particular environment, in normal life I like a night out as much as the next guy, but I’m more introverted than some party animal really. Do I like her enough to want to have to ‘prove’ myself. Should I have to prove myself. Honestly, I think she is from a traditional country where male/female roles are clearly defined and she is contending between seeing this handsome/likable guy in front of her but who isn’t what she’s used to.

But I came for advice and honestly, a lot of what you guys are saying is how I view the situation. My next move is how much do I value love/relationships. Do I cheapen it for myself if I just distance myself a little but have a no strings attached relationship. I’m all or nothing so unlikely to be able to really keep up the charade and while I like her, our relationship dynamic is shaped in a romantic way, not sure how it would be without that dynamic.

zapper55

Ok I'm happy you got dating experience because you posted a lot about wanting some.

She's a headwreck. Doesnt matter why. You are turning yourself inside out to figure out the meaning of what she said. Did it ever occur to you that her behaviour is probably more about her than you?

Look you've ask guys if this is a game changer, I presume you mean if you should chnage your entire personality to try and please her.

Nope. You need to step back and realise that WHENEVER someone wrecks your head like this, romantically or otherwise, its incredibly fecked up and you need to run the opposite direction.

No more long post about the meaning of your relationship etc. Are you in counselling OP? If you are great, if not it would really help you.

Curry Addict

OP having read the tread i feel compelled to tell you disregard the negative advise given. I think it is way off the mark.

It sounds like you are both just finding your way in an open honest way. Enjoy the early stages of your new relationship, be yourself and take it as it comes.

completedit

Curry Addict wrote: »

OP having read the tread i feel compelled to tell you disregard the negative advise given. I think it is way off the mark.

It sounds like you are both just finding your way in an open honest way. Enjoy the early stages of your new relationship, be yourself and take it as it comes.

People have given me their time and words and I appreciate it and noted. They may be right.
Human interaction is so individual that without being a omniscient fly on a wall watching on, it would be impossible to know the full story. We are contending with cultural differences, a clear end point in which we have to make a serious decision about where we are going and make such an effort of commitment, combined with our own hang ups.
I don't want to be bitter either. She apologised for pressuring me on my commitment. She admitted she was as confused herself which is why she brought up her imagined guy. She did say openly she is fighting a battle between head and heart. Implication that I was in her heart. She fessed up that she would move to Dublin but said what about 3 years from now. I think me asking her to be my girlfriend just opened a can of worms that would have arose in the summer. By me not being clear of what I wanted, she was preoccupied with my commitment. I think it was nice of her to be open with me. That's all you can ask for. Equally, I have to decide if I want to risk fall furthing. Also, I think with the end on the horizon, how to act around each other given it was more than just a casual fling up to now will be hard to balance

Honestly I'm probably falling prey to my own self importance. I am listening to every opinion, I came here to get a second or more opinions but it raises good points about love, honesty and openness and attraction.
As a side, don't think we will work out actually just because the dynamic has changed.

hullaballoo

Everyone has a dream person in their head they would like to be in a relationship with and have all kinds of world-beating times with. The same way we dream about having lots more money and far fewer worries. Similarly, we might have what we call "minimum standards" for a partner or other such codswallop. They are theoretical only.

Back in the real world, finding someone you are able to put up with over a protracted period of time is a real challenge and having completely artificial, theoretical obstacles in the way of finding that is a bit sweet and innocent, tbh.

I would take the comment as a slight warning sign that this person might be one of those who has ideological theories, or dreams, interfering with their real-life relationships. Most people know that the person they made up in their head when they were daydreaming about their future partner doesn't exist.

I am unsure how I would approach it other than to try and make it clear to her that you are not going to be able to compete with her imagination and see does she come to the epiphany that there are no unicorns.

skallywag

I am a bit bewildered at this thread. If she was serious in what she said, as opposed to taking the piss in a jokey way, then I can only assume that you are both very young? It does not sound to me like the sort of thing that 'grown-up' people would say to each other, and I do not mean any offence by that.

I have had my fair share of girlfriends though the years, and I am not sure if any of them at all would conform to what my 'ideal woman picture in my head' might be, including the girl I have been with now for umpteen years.

But so what, most people do not actually know what it is they want in any case anyway. This whole 'the one' thing is a pile of Mills & Boon nonsense in my book.

Wheety

Just relax and enjoy what you have. Don't think too much about what she said. A lot of girls have an idea of their ideal man, but most don't say this to the person they're seeing. You said yourself there are cultural differences.

I, for one, wouldn't end it over this.

valoren

Mind games this early? Big red flag. If you are not happy with the current situation then tell her your not happy. Her words to you can be translated as "I'm not interested in you, I don't want to be with you but I don't want to hurt your feelings by dumping you". This sounds like she's maneuvering this to become a situation where your head gets melted and you give up. Just do that now, preempt the inevitable, and move on. That would be the "alpha" thing to do i.e. you'd prefer to be with a partner who does not put you on an uneven footing, you prefer to have no drama, your relationship is not a soap opera.

"I'm no longer interested in pursuing what we have. It's been lovely and I wish you all the best". No getting into details. A clean break and a fresh start. You'd be doing both the both of you a big favour.

ILoveYourVibes

completedit wrote: »

She said that she always imagined being with a ‘serious’ guy and would be a sort of ‘power couple, she said I’m so smiley and light-hearted and she’s divided between her head and her heart. She then took a second to think and was like ‘you are serious, look how you responded to this and that’ but she means in my general aura I believe. What to do with this information. I don’t have hang ups about myself but always wish I had more ‘alpha’ qualities and here is the girl who likes me basically implying I amn’t alpha enough. I truly respect her honesty and she told me ‘to not take the information the wrong way’ she just had to tell me. She had been asking me for months what we were, then i told her I really liked her and wanted more and she has sort of backed off and taken stock of what we are. I can respect that but not sure how to take what she told me? What do you think?

What she is attracted to and what she sees as admirable qualities in a man are two different things.

It usually means she has a dichotomy in her personality that she can't resolve.

What she is attracted to and what she respects are two different things. She hasn't learned to accept this about herself.

Its a 'her problem'.

Dump her.

Also with Valoren ..mind games ...are a red flag.

PoisonIvyBelle

She likes you but she doesn't like you enough, that's basically it. Sounds like she enjoys spending time with you but you're not someone she sees herself with longterm.

Why would you want to stay with someone when they've literally told you you're not what they want?

ksceniaonegina

Lol don't bash the girl

ILoveYourVibes

hullaballoo wrote: »

Everyone has a dream person in their head they would like to be in a relationship with and have all kinds of world-beating times with. The same way we dream about having lots more money and far fewer worries. Similarly, we might have what we call "minimum standards" for a partner or other such codswallop. They are theoretical only.

I don't. I lack direction romantically though.

Some people have a type. Some people don't. Still its not ok for the woman to mind **** the op.