Feeling alone

LegacyUser

I'll keep this brief as i'm just too upset

I buried my dad yesterday after he passed away on Monday morning. RIP.

My partner handed in his thesis today and goes for 'a few pints' at 2pm
He's still out drinking and its 1am, and i'm just feeling so so alone

He is going to spain next Friday with the lads for 4 days

Now he tells me he has cancelled his golf tomorrow and Sunday to be with me.
Despite this it feels like he cancelled golf this weekend due to his hangover hes gonna have and also not being here next weekend as he flys to Spain for 4 days with the lads.

Whilst i appreciate he needs to honour the submission of his thesis - surely a few drinks would have been enough.

I've never buried a parent before. Not known grief like it. Feel so so so alone
Am I right to be upset with him ?

Porklife

AutumnRoses wrote: »

I'll keep this brief as i'm just too upset

I buried my dad yesterday after he passed away on Monday morning. RIP.

My partner handed in his thesis today and goes for 'a few pints' at 2pm
He's still out drinking and its 1am, and i'm just feeling so so alone

He is going to spain next Friday with the lads for 4 days

Now he tells me he has cancelled his golf tomorrow and Sunday to be with me.
Despite this it feels like he cancelled golf this weekend due to his hangover hes gonna have and also not being here next weekend as he flys to Spain for 4 days with the lads.

Whilst i appreciate he needs to honour the submission of his thesis - surely a few drinks would have been enough.

I've never buried a parent before. Not known grief like it. Feel so so so alone
Am I right to be upset with him ?

I am so sorry for your loss Op. Nothing comes close to the pain of losing a parent, I've walked that walk.
At this time you are entitled to feel anything you want to feel. Don't even question any emotion you feel, just go with it. I understand why you're upset with your boyfriend but maybe he's finding it hard too and doesn't know how to handle it. I agree he should have just gone out for an hour or two if at all and I'd be upset too but right now you need love and support so arguing with him may not be the best move. Emotions are flying high at the moment.
Be so kind to yourself today. Have a bath, make some comfort food, have a glass of wine or whatever makes you feel good
I will never forget the pain of losing my parents. It kills me everyday and my heart goes out to you. This will get easier sweetheart. Mind yourself. Focus on keeping yourself well and try not focus too much on your boyfriend. Big hugs.

Ursus Horribilis

First off, I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is one of the most difficult and profound things that any person will go through. Your head is going to be all over the place for a while. Do you have anybody else you can turn to? Friends? Other family members?

I wouldn't be too impressed with your partner's behaviour either. Having said that, we know almost nothing about him so maybe he is guilty of being a bit tone deaf rather than being selfish. What age is he? How long are you together? Has he ever let you down before? Sometimes people don't know how to handle issues like this and just go missing at time like these. Or maybe he's just an immature, selfish dickhead. You're the one who's going out with him and knows him. From here, it's hard to know whether that cancelling his immediate plans because of a hangover is your grief talking or you knowing how he behaves when he goes on a bender.

You could do with talking to him though. Perhaps he just doesn't know what it is you want him to do?

Redser87

Really good advice from UH. I don't have anything to add except my sincere sympathies on your loss.

Dial Hard

Without knowing anything about your relationship, I would tend towards the opinion that this is probably a confluence of circumstances. Handing in of a thesis (particularly if it's postgraduate) is a huge deal, the drinks were probably planned long ago and he possibly just never even thought of missing them/cutting them short. He may also be thinking you would prefer to be with your family at this time. Likewise, his trip next week was probably booked long ago. He has cancelled his plans this weekend to be with you. If he's generally a good guy and a supportive partner then I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. But talk to him. Tell him how you feel. He might be blissfully unaware that you feel his response is not the "correct" one.

You're upset and grieving and possibly needing a response from him that he has never had to give before and doesn't even know about. So tell him. And I'm very sorry for your loss.

LegacyUser

Yes he has done this before
We are together 4 years. We don't live together.

Once he has a pint in his hand and 'crack' with the lads all responsibilities go out the window.
We live an hour apart - me in Wicklow and him in Drogheda

I drove to fleadh which was held in Drogheda with one of my girl friends and to meet up with him in the evening time as He was playing golf.
Rather than have a few social pints with his golf friends and then come and join me, he just stayed there for hours.
I was at the Fleadh from 2pm-10pm with a girl friend and still no sign of him despite texting to say he was leaving at 730pm.
As my girl friend said 'Does he not want to see you - even though your after travelling all this way"

Then the lads booked this weekend away in Spain next week. Hes already been away at Easter with other golf lads. At the outset he said he 'wasn't fussed' about going away so i booked Croatia for 4 days to mark the end of the thesis submission. I know all about Masters - i did it myself 4 years ago and thought to book a few days away as our relationship has been put on back burner for months
Now he chose to come with me, land back Sunday morning at 2am and then fly out at 7am to be with lads in Spain.
Given that - i just feel he'd be in Croatia physically. So said to cancel Croatia. Theres no point as i know deep down he doesn't want to be there
Mentally he's with 'the lads'

zapper55

He sounds like a he mightn't be the guy for you long term. But this is not a time for any big decisions. Can you spend time with family or friends that will comfort you?

The bit about Croatia confused me, who suggested he cancel it, you or him? If he suggested it that's good but surely he should just go ahead and cancel it rather than leave the decision with you? You've enough going on.

Ursus Horribilis

The death of a parent is such a big thing for people, it often leads to them re-evaluating their lives, their relationships and generally where they see themselves going. Now is not the time for big decisions but I think you could do with reflecting on where this relationship is going. What you're getting out of it, if you're OK with coming second to the lads,what it is you'd like from a partner and if this guy is the person who can give you that.

I'm so sorry he has let you down like this. I hope you have other people you can turn to instead.

Addle

Sorry for your loss OP.
Your fella isn’t going through the same thing you are, and unless you let him know how you’re feeling, he’s not going to know.
You shouldn’t hold something his not aware of against him.

Xterminator

Hi OP

partners are not psychic. it is not fair to say nothing, and be upset with him.

If you express your feeling, tell him your feeling lost and overwhelmed and that your not sure you can cope, and he still goes on his trip then you know where you stand in his priorities.

He may never have buried a parent either .... Look, if you need something from him - ask for it.