Advice on disturbing matter

LegacyUser

My story is long, complex and not pleasant.

Please believe me that everything I say is true.

I have been with my wife, who is not Irish, for over 22 years. They have been mostly happy years.

I lived in her country for 7 years and 14 years ago we moved back to Ireland and she really loved it here.

She grew up as an only child. Her mother went on holidays to a well known island holiday destination as a 19 year old but came back pregnant after a fling with a local.

My wife showed no interest in her background for years.

However, 4 years ago she announced unexpectedly she was going to look for her father.

She had very little information but went to the island and unbelievably she managed to find the family.

They welcomed her with open arms and it started off as a very happy and positive experience.

The amazing thing is that her father had been married to a woman of the same nationality as herself and they had two boys. So she had two new half brothers that also spoke the same language as her.

She started to travel very often to the destination and she became obsessed.

It was a severe emotional strain for her. I helped as best as I could and I thought with time and counselling that things would settle down and normalise.

She became very attached to one of the brothers who was single and stayed with him every time she went.

The visits and that relationship became a massive strain on the relationship. It caused financial problems due to costs and our relationship suffered as our marriage dynamic changed. We had less holidays together as one example.

After knowing this family for 6 months, she came back from a trip and announced she was very unhappy in Ireland and she announced that she wanted to live there.

I found this crazy and helped her get through a difficult period.

Tings improved for a year and I thought we were over the worst. Then it just seemed to start again and she started to go more often.

The bond with the brother, seemed to be getting stronger and stronger and I was increasingly suspicious about that relationship and had an uneasy feeling about it.

I spoke to her frequently about it but she denied everything.

Then last February she came home from a trip and she told me she was packing everything in Ireland in and moving over. She claimed she wanted to learn the language properly and get to know her new family. I didn't believe a word of it.

I was totally devastated as I truly love my wife.

Eventually, we made an agreement that she could go for six months and we see how things were, I wanted to give us a chance and I thought this would get it out of her system and normal life there instead of holiday life that she's always had there would become mundane.

Last few months have been extremely difficult but I have coped.

However, this week I had a phone call with one of her best friends, and she told me that my wife told her that she had sex with her brother on two occasions approximately 3 years ago.

I was shocked but not surprised. It confirmed all my suspicions. Things started to make sense, and unlike her friend i think they have an ongoing sexual relationship, that's why she went.
I realized straight way that our marriage was over.
I can never take her back and it's time for me to prepare for life without her.

I have a lot to sort out, have a plan to get her to confess when I see her again, deal with banks about our home , legal matters etc.

My question is about her other friends and family in her home country. I am very well liked with them and I visited them this year and I have told them about my suspicions. They also had the same suspicions and think I've been treated very badly. I was surprised at how her family were backing me.

But now that I have this information, and after I confront my wife and tell her, should I also tell her family and friends what has happened?

Is that just spiteful or vengeful or do they have a right to know what happened?

Many thanks.

bucketybuck

Unregistered wrote: »

I realized straight way that our marriage was over.
I can never take her back and it's time for me to prepare for life without her.

This is the only important bit. You know it is over and you need to start moving on.

All that other stuff, confronting her and telling her family etc etc is not actually important anymore, it no longer matters what she or they think or do.

Pyr0

bucketybuck wrote: »

This is the only important bit. You know it is over and you need to start moving on.

All that other stuff, confronting her and telling her family etc etc is not actually important anymore, it no longer matters what she or they think or do.

I agree with Bucketybuck.

I'm sure they'll figure it out themselves once it's done. They can then deal with the results of that since you'll be long gone.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

Wow, what a post. It probably won't make you feel any better but Genetic Sexual Attraction is an actual thing. I know of another person who had a sexual relationship with a half sibling after they met for the first time in their twenties.

It's a strange phenomenen, with both the people involved in the scenario I'm aware of being quite conservative but completely unable to control their sexual urges toward each other.

So, with that in mind it may feel like less of a betrayal? Either way, you need to be done.

wiggle16

I don't think you should tell them. Not unprompted anyway. And that's not for her sake, it's for yours. You sound like a very decent person and I think that if you told her family it would bother you forever over whether or not it was really necessary. The fact that you're already unsure about it is telling, I think you'd regret saying it to them.

Would I tell if it were me? If a family member approached me and asked me what happened, I probably would, it wouldn't bother me afterwards. She made her bed. But that's me, I have a vindictive streak. You don't sound like you do and I think it would bother you the minute you opened your mouth.

You're under no obligation to keep it to yourself but I think you've enough to be dealing with without wondering if you did the right thing and potentially beating yourself up about it down the line.

Neyite

As tempting as it is to tell all and sundry how your wife has behaved, I would agree that you should maintain your dignity, end the marriage civilly as you can and move on.

tara73

bucketybuck wrote: »

All that other stuff, confronting her and telling her family etc etc is not actually important anymore, it no longer matters what she or they think or do.

I think it is important to confront her, to let her know you are aware what happened. Everything else is just weird (for me anyway), walking away without speaking about it with her/hearing what she has to say.

Agree with not telling the other family members when nobody asks, but I guess some of them might ask you about it. And as they were suspicious too and already guessing themselves what was going on you could point them in the right direction. something like: I think you all already know what happened will give them the confirmation they need. why cover up for a spouse who cheated on you, she made her own bed as others already pointed out.

MissShihTzu

Tough one, OP. I have no reason to doubt your story, and you have my sympathy and support.

I think you're right. The marriage is over and you need to take care of yourself, mentally as well as legally. Make the break as clean as possible. Even if your wife came to her senses, the marriage is dead. It can never recover, sadly.

I am not sure if telling the family and friends will be helpful. If anyone asks, then just say there were problems that just couldn't be solved - something like that. I wouldn't be telling them the full strength.

You need to lawyer up ASAP. Get counselling too.

I wish you luck and peace, OP. You're going to need it.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I concur with your conclusion the marriage is dead. But im not sure what your objective is. IE what is your end game?

You want a confession? You want to let all her friends and family know she has been unfaithful and have had sex with her half brother? It would seem to me that you want to destroy her life, whether in anger, or subconsciously? You can end a marriage without going out of your way to ruin the other person!

I have to tell you i believe you have done nothing wrong to cause then edn of the marriage and i get that you are hurting. But are you reacting out of anger/hurt? Are you just not thinking about what could happen as you share your story with her family?

I visited them this year and I have told them about my suspicions.

you told them even before you had confirmation of your suspicions!!

Just take a step back, take a deep breath. make sure you behave in a dignified manner when seeking the end of your marriage.