My girlfriends protectiveness and suspiciousness is taking its toll

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I tried to keep it brief but couldnt sorry. Me and my girlfriend are early 30s going out about 3 years. She is South American (for cultural context).

We are very serious, bought a house early this year and openly talk of kids and marriage etc.

The problems started early on but I wasnt really sure how to process them so I sort of wrote them off because it was so random to me, but lets say a few months into the relationship I would tell her im going out with friends (which really wasnt that often) she might go silent on me for a day or two, I was more naive then so I genuinely thought it was something unrelated. Or she would quiz me after it, who was there etc, and I know it would be a quiz not her just asking out of niceness.

This has slowly evolved into a sort of situation where it feels like anyone but my family or real close friends who she has met several times is a borderline "threat" . This is how I interpret it now. We had a fight a few weeks ago because I was about to go for a coffee with a friend. She pointed out how I had been in his house a week ago. I barely see this guy. And the reason I barely see friends is because I moved town to be with her.

I have a female friend from years back, we have often went for lunch as we work nearby, sometimes just us, sometimes others, sometimes her and other friends so just friend stuff.

Things have gotten so bad, partially in my head, but partially real that I have almost been avoiding going for lunch with her as its almost like a confession of cheating when I tell my GF (and I DEFINITELY tell her because it actually feels worse if I dont, like ive something to hide).

In this regard things have gotten toxic. If my story any way deviates from what I said I was doing or what people showed up etc she questions me, I can almost see the paranoia kicking off in her mind. Sometimes she doesnt have to say anything I know she has a problem. It doesnt help that I am pretty empathetic and pick up these things very strongly.

Honestly, it leaves me feeling so angry inside sometimes that I seriously question why Im with her, until the anger goes away.

Just to note, this is not some daily problem that I am living endlessly with. And its not black and white. I DOO see friends, it just feels like a mountain to climb alot of the time. She also fundamentally trusts me, as in, she knows I wouldnt cheat. Its often not even about her thinking Im cheating, it is sometimes just about that I am not around or that I prefer to be with friends, thats how I feel she interprets it.

I know the common response here is "ugggh Id leave" or the opposite "whats her side", but really I would prefer that this is resolved because when she's not like this things are great.

And for what its worth, I honestly give her no reason to be like this at all. There is nothing in this post that I am omitting in terms of what I do to make this happen, at least as far as I am aware.

I will say this though, we arent great communicators so that is probably why I have let this fester for so long. But its also partially because it took me a while to actually realise this isnt good enough.

Mr. Incognito

Honestly dude, this is not going to get better.

My partner is brazilian and couldnt give a flying fig if I go on the piss with the lads. Equally she can do whatever she wants.

Some people are insecure. In my experience that insecurity is driven by their own desires and their own behaviour.

While you may not cheat, she may not be of the same mould and is projecting.

Equally she could have been burned in the past.

The reality is that no matter how controlling someone is it doesnt make a blind bit of differnece. If someone wants to cheat they will.

I would absolutely give a careful thoughtful explanation with clear boundaries and if they are crossed move on. Its better for you in the long run.

leggo

The worry here is that you’ve let this run on too long that it’s now considered normal and the situation is already toxic beyond repair. Consider how it has already gone from you doing what you wanted and her going quiet to it being normal for her to grill you within an inch of your life about each social interaction and you avoiding certain friends as a result. You can’t assume the situation is going to magically fix itself, so in projecting how your life is going to be you have to assume that that worsening trend is also going to continue, e.g. in X years down the line you won’t interact with anyone else and have a life outside the relationship etc.

It’s not healthy or smart to progress a relationship further while there’s still a huge part of her you’d like to change. Don’t have kids with this woman (and don’t leave it open for accidents to happen), don’t buy a home with her, propose etc. This needs to be dealt with or you’ll just end up back on year in 1-2 years with her jealousy significantly worse and you’ll be saying “But I can’t leave her because of finances/our kids.” That’s the natural endpoint to this story the way it’s going. Don’t believe me? Just have a scan through the board sometime and view every second or third thread. The love you feel for her now? This will eat into that until there’s none left.

And it’s actually easy enough to handle, from a practical side, you just have to accept all of the above and realise that this will be the disease that slowly kills the relationship if you don’t deal with it. And accepting that means being willing to walk if she refuses to treat that disease. You sit her down and tell her that you’re entitled to have your own life and not have to account for every movement, that you’re going to go out with friends and be an individual, that she can trust you and you’ve given her no reason not to. Then hold that line. You can empathise with her insecurities and experiences that may have made her this way, but when you allow your empathy to be used against you then you’re being a pushover. She needs to learn to deal with her issues, likely with counselling or even by talking them through with you. Let her have the tantrums, try gaslight you and make you feel like you’re crazy for being reasonable, or even promise you the world then fail down the line. If you hold the line here, you’ll learn a lot about her and her true attitude towards you and the relationship. Then go from there, up to and including leaving her if this doesn’t end with you being in a healthy situation.

SusieBlue

That's not protectiveness, that's controlling, manipulative, paranoid behaviour.
She isn't doing it out of concern for you or out of the goodness of her heard, she's doing it for her own self interests.

She's being unreasonable and you are never going to be able to make her happy. It isn't going to get better, in fact it will get worse. It will get to the point where you can't even go to the shop for milk without her giving you an inquisition or losing the plot.

Its ultimatum time. Either she recognises her behaviours and obsessions are unacceptable and unhealthy and makes strong, honest attempted to change them (eg. counselling), or you need to start really reconsidering your future together.
I know thats not what you want to hear but this will only get more toxic as time goes on.

zoobizoo

I liken this behaviour to tree pruning.

You're a tree and your character and personality are branches.

So your 'free voice' branch ("I'm going to meet John at the weekend") gets cut because you now have to think about how you're going to word this without causing upset.

Your spontaneity branch gets cut, because you can't just agree to do something because you know it will cause upset.

Your friendship branches start getting cut because it is too much hassle for you to keep in touch with friends as it will upset her. Life is easier just to hang out with her, and with the people she likes.

Your humour branch gets lopped off because you can't joke about a girl / an actress / an outfit / a friend of hers without her getting upset.

Your story telling branch gets cut off because you might mention a girl in a story.... You get the picture.

You end up lopping off all the branches that make you YOU in order to keep 1 person happy and making yourself miserable. You end up a slowly dying tree trunk.


And then sure she dumps you because you're not the person she first met - only joking!


I'm not sure how you can resolve this as she doesn't seem to understand that your behaviour is normal and hers isn't.

Wesser

Have you discussed this with her at all? This would be the first step . Do it when things are calm and happy and not in the heat of an argument.

Porklife

SusieBlue wrote: »

That's not protectiveness, that's controlling, manipulative, paranoid behaviour.
She isn't doing it out of concern for you or out of the goodness of her heard, she's doing it for her own self interests.

She's being unreasonable and you are never going to be able to make her happy. It isn't going to get better, in fact it will get worse. It will get to the point where you can't even go to the shop for milk without her giving you an inquisition or losing the plot.

Its ultimatum time. Either she recognises her behaviours and obsessions are unacceptable and unhealthy and makes strong, honest attempted to change them (eg. counselling), or you need to start really reconsidering your future together.
I know thats not what you want to hear but this will only get more toxic as time goes on.

Wholeheartedly agree with this. There is nothing protective about this behaviour, it’s sheer manipulation and control. I went out with a control freak (understatement of the year) and it started out like this too.
I wasn’t allowed to so much as mention a male friends name without him flying off the handle. I remember once going to hang out with my friends and I needed to take a bus to get to them. He followed me down
the street and actually got onto the bus with me, he refused to leave me alone. My friends all hated him and didn’t want him coming with me.
If I ever did gout without him he’d call me constantly. If I didn’t answer he’d call my friends and my sister. It was insane and very humiliating. He was an absolute psychopath.
I’m not saying that your girlfriend is this way but never the less, she’s being very controlling and that rarely if ever gets better.
My ex tried to cut me off from all my family and friends and I truly believe he would have murdered me one day just to keep me away from other people or other men. My family think the same, they found him so creepy and could see things I couldn’t see long before I did.
Your partner should encourage you to go see friends and never quiz you as to who was there etc. It’s fine to ask so who was there out of genuine curiosity but you know that’s not what this is.
I’d have a very frank and honest conversation with her and if things didn’t change, I’d walk. I will never ever tolerate controlling behaviour again. It’s the ugliest trait a human can have and reeks of insecurity.
So unattractive!

shesty

I will tell you this OP. You say you have discussed kids and all that - if you have kids, this will bubble up. You won't be able to just push it down and ignore it and hope you can pay no attention to it. Kids are hard work and all the stuff you pretend doesn't exist while it's just two of you, will come out. So you would want to deal with it now, rather than leaving it to any future you might have together.

dory

I read on here once that when you meet the right person it's just easy, very easy. And this situation you're in now is certainly not easy. It really shouldn't be this difficult. I've been there, and am very glad I'm not there anymore. It's absolutely not protectiveness. As has been said it's manipulative and very, very controlling.

Ursus Horribilis

It's unfortunate that you bought a house with this woman but it isn't an insurmountable hurdle. I can only agree with all the people who've said you should leave. I don't think you realise how deep in the doo-doo you are with this relationship. I hope you don't have kids with her because it's bad enough that you're sucked in.

Whitestripe

You aren't acting like this towards her, so ask yourself why she'd be allowed to treat you this way. I am sure there are 2 stories but it's never ok if one part feels the way you do. Look after yourself before anyone else, because she is clearly doing the same

LegacyUser

Hi all,

OP here, thanks all, Im reading the replies and while they make for tough reading unfortunately you are all correct (although PorkLife my example wouldnt be nearly as crazy as yours to be fair, thats insane and that guy sounded genuinely dangerous)

That tree pruning analogy is scarily accurate. This is what is happening me alright.

@leggo I appreciate the pragmatic way of approaching it and I am thinking of proposing councelling to her alright.

The issue at the moment is that I have let it go for so long that I dont think it would be right to go all in out of nowhere and tell her she needs to get help bla bla otherwise I walk. I have to start by simply being clearer that this isnt good enough, as in a chat about it not in the heat of the moment, not a chat that is hinting at a threat to leave. THEN if thats not helping it will have to be the "get help or I go" ultimatum.

The problem is that it isnt in your face kinda stuff, its all subtle, passive aggressiveness and sometimes it doesnt evolve into anything huge but it still hurts alot when she does it. She may simply just ask the question or just mildly accuse me of something when my story has changed. the very fact there is even a "story" is a farce to be honest. I sometimes feel like Im backtracking when Ive done nothing wrong. Its so crazy when I type it out here tbh.

Honestly this is why I think it took me so long to clearly see how bad this was.

I have endless amount of examples to be honest, but like I said they dont blow up because they are sometimes too subtle. She asked me recently in a pretty accusing tone why I didnt mention I was in the presence of some girl (a mutual friend casually said something like "when we were chatting to so and so"). There is NO reason I didnt mention it other than the fact I didnt care and it hadnt crossed my mind. I just said to her "why would I mention that?? I dont even know her" and that was it. So like I said its hard to explain because its not like all out war when something happens. She might just put on a suspicious face after that for a short period and then we'll move on

regarding "protectiveness", sorry I actually should have said possessiveness. But yes, its controlling.

Wesser: Truthfully we havent talked about it properly, not to the point that she would be aware its a serious issue. It has come up, like after the coffee thing I told her I will never apologise for meeting friends, she said she doesn't expect me to. Its also worth noting I since went for another one with him and she wished me well, so like I say its not this black and white thing.

One thing I do have to say, threads like these can paint the ugliest picture possible of someone and also while relationships should be easier than this sometimes it might be worth the investment because I find it hard to believe anyone who is in a very long term relationship doesnt experience stuff along the way.

Thanks again , im taking it all on board.

Porklife

OP, you come across as a very level headed, empathetic, intelligent guy. You obviously care deeply about this girl but there's this niggling feeling of doubt around the possessiveness that won't go away. That's your intuition giving you a warning sign.

Of course couples experience hard times and dilemma's along the way but this is different. This isn't a hurdle. This isn't an incident that's hit you guys that you have to surmount. This is down to her behaviour. I can't stand unfounded suspicious behaviour and often it stems from the accusers own moral compass. People who are overly suspicious are often protecting as in a similar situation they would cheat as an example. I just can't abide controlling people. We are all here for a very short time and we all deserve to feel love and happiness. Control is the opposite of this.

I know it's not black and white but that's the insidious nature of control and manipulation. It's the intangible suspect look on her face that she can easily deny or the raised eyebrow that she can tell you you imagined but you know in your heart that you didn't.

My ex was dangerous. I went to the police in the end over him as he was violent and insane and I don't think your girlfriend is either of those things. I just think she needs to be told in no uncertain terms how her behaviour is making you feel. Outline to her how it's actually a turn off and having the opposite effect to what she wants. Maybe if you tell her it's unattractive and making you resent her then she might she the light.

I agree you can't go in all guns blazing and I think the approach you plan on taking is the right one but make sure you're really firm and that you follow through with what you're saying or you'll lose credability.

Hope it works out for you Op. If it ends, you'll meet someone else and these things won't be an issue.

wiggle16

If your sister, or a close female friend or relative, approached you and told you that her partner was an extremely controlling man and behaved like this towards her, what would you tell her to do?

leggo

OP I've had threads on here in years past, so I get what you mean when you say people who don't know her don't take a full view and paint her in the worst light. And I get that often people can be very cut and dried with their opinions and get their tone wrong, without failing to take into account the full scope and your own feelings. But, in hindsight, when I look back and have felt this a lot of the stuff that people said in the past that hurt the most to read ended up being completely true when I was removed from the situation and able to look back on things objectively.

Nobody is saying she's an evil person, nobody is saying she can't be caring and loving in other ways and there are positives that led you guys to be together in the first place. But the reason we're commenting is because you started the thread and laid out the situation. And, for as good as the rest of the situation may be, the fact that it is bothering you enough to do so and the picture you paint suggests the situation is worsening tells any of us who've experienced similar feelings that the good stuff will just erode over time if the bad stuff isn't dealt with. So it's not that the good stuff isn't relevant or that we all think she's a bad person: it's that we know the good stuff WON'T be relevant to you if you allow yourself to continue in this situation without dealing with it, one way or another. And often you don't realise when something is critical until it's too late and you wake up just not giving a **** anymore. Or it goes the other way and you discover that she was like this because she herself actually couldn't be trusted, which happens a lot too. So it's a case of handle it now and potentially steer out of danger or just let the vehicle drive into the wall.

joeguevara

If this was an issue that your gf had with you spending time with a female friend it would simply be deciding whether a friendship was worth more than your relationship. However bizarre that was.

But it's not. It is a situation where you can't hang out with people unless pre better. This cannot be tolerated as you will end up isolated. See if it can be salvaged and. If there is an underlying issue. But it looks like you are better off without someone controlling your life. No relationship is worth that.