Short Story - I paid a man to kill my best friend

Nuttzz

My first attempt at writing anything in years (if not decades!) I would appreciate any feedback

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Mark is back on the scene again he noted. He was never fond of Mark, we met Mark soon after we met up and I always found him to be a good guy, Mark and I had a shared interest in running amongst other things, but he didn't get on with Mark and tried to get away from him when he could. I decided it might be best if we only saw Mark a couple of times a year, in an attempt to keep the peace. I’d meet Mark at race meets and Mark would always ask after him, I hated that they didn't get along. I tried to convince him but he was having none of it.

We first met in 2009 just before Natalie decided to leave him. He got very depressed about it and he came to live with me and for the first couple of weeks he moped around, sleeping a lot, doing crazy things like leaving the cooker on and nearly burned down the house. He got better though, after a couple of weeks he accepted she was gone and after a couple of months he went back to his happy demeanor.

We decided in 2010 to head to Portugal for a few months where we both got fat and lazy, they were good days. We’d hang around the pool, drinking, or in the pool, drinking. A few months turned into nearly two years before we decided to move back. The downside for him was we’d bump into Mark from time to time. I thought the time away might help ease the animosity from him but no, he moaned every time we met Mark.

Over the years we hung out as best friends do, we’d see each other daily, he turned into a good listener. I’d tell him my problems and he’d just nod his head, never butting in or never offering an opinion, he just listened.

Earlier in the year he started to get a bit ill, and I couldn't help but notice his condition was getting worse and worse, he didn't listen as much these days and just got grumpier and grumpier. I put it down to the pain, though he never once complained about it.

I spoke to Mark and asked would he come up to visit him, he got very angry when Mark came to the house. Mark never comes to the house he protested Why is he here?

Dressed in his scrubs Mark said it was time, he injected him with the sedative and waited for him to close his eyes. Mark turned to me and told me that I didn't need to see the next bit, I walked away, but now I wish I hadn't.

When I came back a few minutes later he was dead, and I was so very very sad. Mark and his colleague took him away and told me the practice would be in touch in a few days.

A few days later I visited the vet practice and paid the man who killed my best friend.

niallb

Got me on so many levels.

Would you consider just leaving out the last line?

km85264

The biggest issue with twist in the tale stories is that you have to hide the most interesting part of the story. This is a tale (tail?) about a man’s relationship with his dog, but “he” has to behave non doglike for the story so the reader is left with no sense of the true relationship. Telling us the narrator is sad does not make us feel sad for him.
My advice would be: take the same story and write it conventionally before trying it as a twist story again

cupcake queen

I really liked it! The last line delivers a bit of a sucker punch. I think it could work well as a piece of flash fiction, if you wanted to re-draft and submit it somewhere..

Just one suggestion; it is a little difficult to follow at the beginning since the 'friend' has no name and it's not immediately clear what his relationship is to the narrator. At one or two points I couldn't be sure if the narrator was talking about Mark or the 'friend'.

Also I really like the title ðŸ˜႒

FrancieBrady

km85264 wrote: »

The biggest issue with twist in the tale stories is that you have to hide the most interesting part of the story. This is a tale (tail?) about a man’s relationship with his dog, but “he” has to behave non doglike for the story so the reader is left with no sense of the true relationship. Telling us the narrator is sad does not make us feel sad for him.
My advice would be: take the same story and write it conventionally before trying it as a twist story again

Agree with this.
OP, read stories like this classic.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1948/06/26/the-lottery?mbid=social_facebook&fbclid=IwAR0lgqYVDmBrzJ6lbQdiqbwZ4tBu2EFPEYbCKk7OIoAiklWn5h8zIowkCb4

BDI

Too many marks at the start. Didn’t read it after that.

puppieperson1

No dog behaviour to indicate a dog?

Sheridan81

Really overdid it on the Marks. The whole build-up to the twist isn't very interesting.

chooseusername

did Mark have a hair lip?