The ex got married...

Frank Bullitt

As the title says, I found out last week that my most recent ex got married.

A friend felt the need to tell me, which felt a little bit like gossiping and not exactly needed but they since apologized.

To cut a long story short, it's put me in a weird reflective and slightly down mood this past week. I got the usual hot ear pang when I heard the news, but since I have been having this awful recurring thought process of the "what if" and that I somehow missed my chance or opportunity.

I am currently in a relationship that is going well, for the past few months. But this news as thrown me off a tad, and I wasn't really expecting it.

I haven't heard from my ex for a long time and we never kept in touch. We broke up over 2 years ago and we dated for just over a year, so I am a tad surprised that I have been feeling this way.

Anyone else ever get something like this? It is going away, but it has me thinking all over the place about what I am doing with my life etc. I live abroad and have done for 6 years now, and that always adds something.

Thanks for any help, and for reading.

totally normal reaction

the only thing that strikes me is that theyre a quick mover if they're married now and ye only broke up 2 years ago.

fullstop

Had almost the exact same thing OP! My ex of around a year and I broke up and I got sent a picture of her by a mutual friend less than 2 years later showing off her engagement ring. Had all the same thoughts as you at the time but decided it was time to forget about her, so I blocked her on every form of social media and rarely think about her anymore.

zoobizoo

Normal reaction.

Years ago I was single and ex informed me that she had met someone, and had moved in with them. He was a multi-millionaire - that didn't help at all. We'd actually stayed in touch after breaking up.

All those "what if" feelings returned... met up with her for lunch.... within 10 mins I remembered why we'd split up. Nothing bad. We just weren't right for each other.

weemcd

Same thing happened me last year at Christmas, though I saw that one coming. Completely normal to reflect though I'd expect this will pass. Focus on the good things you have in your current relationship now, if possible.

Frank Bullitt

Thanks everyone.

I had a feeling it was relatively normal. I am heading to a friends house for the weekend here in British Columbia, my friends moved there this year and she is great at these kinds of chats.

It has me in a reflective mood a lot about my life right now in Vancouver, and where I want to go from here etc. I also have reflected enough to know I would never have married this particular ex, unless I wanted a divorce.

I will say, as well, that social media is a serious source of depression with this kind of stuff. I really have to think about my use of it overall.

LegacyUser

This thread has helped me in relation to something similar. It's good to know these feelings are normal and will pass in time. Social media can be tough!

Porklife

T

Gintonious wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

I had a feeling it was relatively normal. I am heading to a friends house for the weekend here in British Columbia, my friends moved there this year and she is great at these kinds of chats.

It has me in a reflective mood a lot about my life right now in Vancouver, and where I want to go from here etc. I also have reflected enough to know I would never have married this particular ex, unless I wanted a divorce.

I will say, as well, that social media is a serious source of depression with this kind of stuff. I really have to think about my use of it overall.

Totally normal...I heard my ex had a new girlfriend recently and it stung even though we broke up ten years ago! He was the only man I ever truly loved. Maybe being reflective isn't a bad thing?
Ps ..your post made me lol..I'd only have married him if I'd wanted a divorce:p

Frank Bullitt

Deleted User wrote: »

totally normal reaction

the only thing that strikes me is that theyre a quick mover if they're married now and ye only broke up 2 years ago.

I live in North America, people seem to jump on the marriage thing pretty quickly here.

Having said that, I hold no bad feelings towards her, if she has found happiness then thats great. Realistically it shouldn't bother me at all, we haven't heard from each other for a good while, still have some friends in common but nothing super close. Soon as my friend told me though, the pang hit pretty hard.

"What ifs" and hindsight are lethal.

bitofabind

Step one, log out of and delete all social media from your phone. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, whatever you're using for at least the next 4 weeks. You'll be 100% happier for it in general. It's brutal for keeping tabs on past loves and the inevitable comparisons we do.

I'll jump on the "same" train here too. My ex of 7 years uploaded a selfie with his new gf to social media and I went down a rabbit hole for about a week. The same reflections and ruminations and "why haven't I met someone too" blah blah. Totally human reaction. No amount of wistful thinking would convince me that we should still be together though, I never for one second thought that would ever be a good idea again, so you've got to just put up with the feelings and get on with your life until the feelings pass. You loved this person once, they were your person for a time so of course them moving on will give you pause. Distract yourself with plans and good friends.

Frank Bullitt

Thank you all for the help.

It's nice to know I am not alone in this.

Cat.OR

As everyone has already said the feelings are totally normal and hopefully will leave soon.

On a seperate note though it sounds like you're being a little harsh on your friend. It probably came from a good place and a few years ago i had similar circumstances myself where i found out an ex of a good friend of mine had new girlfriend who was pregnant ( they split as he wouldn't have kids with her after years together and had her pregnant within a year ) and toyed with telling my friend, but in the end i did so becuase i felt i would like her to hear it from a friend in case i got upset( which she did) than someone who would be looking for gossip or a reaction. Several months later she bumped into his brother who also told her news but definetly for reaction and she said she was so glad it wasn't her first time hearing it and she was able to rise above it.

Addle

I had the opposite from a friend, years ago. They didn’t tell me. I don’t know why. I found out in an awkward moment. I’d have preferred to be prepared.
Anyways, all water under the bridge now.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your reaction at all.

SozBbz

As other posters have said, I think you're a bit harsh on your friend. Unless you could see that she was clearly telling you or something, or she told you in front of others, I wouldnt assume any malice. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.

Anyway, I'd my first serious boyfriend from 18-21 and he was absolutely my first love. I found out on Facebook about 5 years after we broke up that he'd gotten married. His wedding photo was his profile photo and despite my best efforts to erase all presence of him online (our relationship predated Facebook) yet somehow I must not have succeeded as Facebook suggested him as "someone you might know".

I'd describe it like feeling a bit winded at first, but I caught myself and while I definitely didn't fell 100% neutral about it, I didnt fall to pieces either. I was in a new relationship (which I'm still in).

I had an honest conversation with myself and reflecting, we were kids when we were together, we were both each others first loves and it ended badly but thats life. I decided to focus on myself and my own happiness and basically forced myself to just file it under "irrelevant".

Frank Bullitt

Again, thanks for all of the advice.

On reflection it was a bizarre time in my life in ways when we dated. It is clear though that we were not a match, that much is pretty clear, the good times were of course good, but it wasn't always like that, and we broke up for a reason.

The speed at which the marriage has happened is probably more of the sting, but I have been through worse. I have also thought more about what I want to do in the future here in Canada. I just bought a new Harley Davidson, so next year or along the line, I will bike from Vancouver to Newfoundland. That will be fun.

Everything is coming in waves it seems, thinking that we could have had something etc, but that's not a healthy or correct way of thinking at all. Everything has and is happening for a reason.

LegacyUser

Actually this was me, to some degree, some years ago. I actually read the engagement announcement in the IT about 3.5 years after we broke up. We were both early twenties at the time and although he finished with me, I've little doubt now (more objectivity, life experience) it was a forced dumping. I'd always known he was very, very attracted to me and I had ticked a lot of the boxes for him. Although I was too immersed in the hurt from the break-up to see it then but later I fully acknowledged my part in it. Although I didn't put up a fight at the time,I was absolutely heartbroken for a good few months afterwards but strangely enough made a reasonably good recovery and although he crossed my mind sometimes, it wasn't with the same intensity etc. Although I reluctantly dated others, he was always at the back of my mind, though.

For work reasons I had to move to near where he lived. I never socialised in his neck of the woods so never expected to see him in mine. But one night I saw him arm in arm with another girl (on the other side) in the street where I lived. He hadn't seen me ( or at least I don't think he did ) and I remember it stung just a little bit (I say a little because had she been really good looking-she wasn't and he was utterly gorgeous- I'd have felt worse, for some reason) at the time but I managed to put it to the back of my mind in the next few weeks........

That is until a few weeks later when I ran straight into HIM while out late night shopping-a bit of a shock but before I knew it I was literally face-to-face with him! He'd evidently spotted me before I'd seen him, as I went up the escalator and had turned to face me. We had a bit of catch-up chat but given I sensed he was most likely waiting for her, I wanted to get away asap. A few of his responses to things I said and told him left me wondering for a while afterwards if he might be still interested and of course some of the old feelings returned, for me. All this took place about 18 months before the engagement.

It wasn't until a fair few months afterwards I learned he had broken up with the new girlfriend-they'd been dating about 4 months at this point, around this time. If only I'd known. It had been off for a good while now and I couldn't help wondering if it had anything to do with meeting me! Since I moved though he had no idea where I lived and although I toyed with the idea now and again, I didn't feel comfortable contacting him!

When I saw the engagement to this girl of course I was filled with all kinds of emotions ranging from remorse to 'what ifs' and of course I regretted not getting in touch that time. When we'd met we were just too young and he'd reached the age when a lot of his friends were settling down. I never knew exactly when they got married and afterwards totally forgot about it all, at least on an emotional level. Sometimes though I do still regret letting such a guy go.....as I'm pretty confident if I'd put in some effort, I could have managed it! I'm sure girlfriend did as I later heard she was very confident and rather pushy!

Neyite

For a while I was like a female good luck chuck with all the ex boyfriends who married the girlfriend after me.
It's not about wanting them back, but more about wanting that happy life stage with someone special yourself. It can feel like they moved on and got it right and you are still stuck there, and it can feel worse if you are single and still smarting from a hurtful break up.



But it passes. And you are doing the right thing by distracting yourself with a trip with friends.

Princess Calla

Neyite wrote: »

For a while I was like a female good luck chuck with all the ex boyfriends who married the girlfriend after me.

I was like this too....one of my mates started calling me a "fluffer "

They are exes for a reason.

Neyite

Princess Calla wrote: »

I was like this too....one of my mates started calling me a "fluffer "

They are exes for a reason.

Ok I think I got the better nickname of the two of us with "Chuck" :pac:

Frank Bullitt

I was surprised how strong this pang was from the news.

Having said that, it has served as a good reminder to stay on top of my mental health, and properly practice mindfulness. I am almost 800 days in a row on Headspace, and I bought a new journal to get me back on track.

My buddy at the gym I go to also had some great advice on just getting on with my life. The past is the past, sure there were great memories but I remember meeting my ex for lunch after we broke up, and there was no feeling at all.

Time for me to close this chapter fully and move on, and with a new lease of life.

Thank you all for the advice. You are wonderful people.

Padre_Pio

I had exactly the same feeling. Went out with a girl for 4 years. She got engaged about 8 months after we broke up.

It initially hit very hard, I had plenty of "f*ck sake, she got over me fairly quick" thoughts and I was a bit wobbly for a few days.
Put me in that what could have been mood, but on reflection we would have killed each other had we stayed together. Plenty of valid reasons for the break up. She was at a stage when her friends were getting hitched and all of a sudden she was very eager to get married too, even though things weren't great between us.

But even now, 2 years later, I see the odd pic of her and her now husband and I get that weird pang, but I'm happy, she seems happy, I'm happy she's happy, and that's the main thing.

Anna2834

Gintonious wrote: »

As the title says, I found out last week that my most recent ex got married.

A friend felt the need to tell me, which felt a little bit like gossiping and not exactly needed but they since apologized.

To cut a long story short, it's put me in a weird reflective and slightly down mood this past week. I got the usual hot ear pang when I heard the news, but since I have been having this awful recurring thought process of the "what if" and that I somehow missed my chance or opportunity.

I am currently in a relationship that is going well, for the past few months. But this news as thrown me off a tad, and I wasn't really expecting it.

I haven't heard from my ex for a long time and we never kept in touch. We broke up over 2 years ago and we dated for just over a year, so I am a tad surprised that I have been feeling this way.

Anyone else ever get something like this? It is going away, but it has me thinking all over the place about what I am doing with my life etc. I live abroad and have done for 6 years now, and that always adds something.

Thanks for any help, and for reading.

I went though the exact same thing...same feelings and emotions and I haven't seen that guy in 4.5 years. I have been in a relationship for 4 years also, engaged to be married. But I went though the same thing. I was in shock for about a month and thought the same as you "what if".

Trust me it goes away with time....if it was meant to be it would have been...don't dwell on it.

pinkyeye

I'm so glad that most of my exes are before Facebook time and if they're not I've blocked them.

It did hit me when my ex husband re-married because it's like your marriage was a lie. But I got over it quickly when I thought of what that poor woman had ahead of her and turns out I was right as he slept with her sister. :D:D

Hector Savage

fullstop wrote: »

Had almost the exact same thing OP! My ex of around a year and I broke up and I got sent a picture of her by a mutual friend less than 2 years later showing off her engagement ring. Had all the same thoughts as you at the time but decided it was time to forget about her, so I blocked her on every form of social media and rarely think about her anymore.

You dodged a bullet there, anyone showing off an engagement ring with a diamond that African kids were murdered for - is a narcissistic sociopath.

Gonad

Normal reaction . It will pass .

I often used to go to my ex’s Facebook pages to have a look

Not because I still had feelings but just out of curiosity . An ex of mine who I was with for around 2 years we split up back in 2010 I think . I was on her page and I accidentally liked one of her pictures . Ever since that I have never gone back into an ex’s page again and I never will . I wonder what she must have thought lol ..

bitofabind

Gonad wrote: »

I was on her page and I accidentally liked one of her pictures . Ever since that I have never gone back into an ex’s page again and I never will . I wonder what she must have thought lol ..

Haha. Nothing like that for jolting you out of your cyber stalking :pac:

Similar thing happened to me with a guy from work that I'd hooked up with and developed an infatuation with a while ago. It was a serious WTF moment for me to the craziness of what I was doing and since then I've managed to keep well away from the eyeballing of "guys from my past" on social media. It's the most futile exercise ever and serves no purpose whatsoever except to throw you into miserable introspection and make you feel shyte about yourself.

armaghlad

All my ex’s are married. Three of them cheated. Two of them cheated on me with their now husbands. When I found out about the most recent one, I have to admit I was a bit peeved. She was the straw that broke the camels back as I’ve stayed single ever since. Luckily for me, tinder had just came out at the time and I didn’t take long getting over it lol

Frank Bullitt

Anna2834 wrote: »

I went though the exact same thing...same feelings and emotions and I haven't seen that guy in 4.5 years. I have been in a relationship for 4 years also, engaged to be married. But I went though the same thing. I was in shock for about a month and thought the same as you "what if".

Trust me it goes away with time....if it was meant to be it would have been...don't dwell on it.

Thanks for this!

pgj2015

my ex got engaged about a year after we broke up, she told me herself when she rang me a year after i had last talked to her, It didnt bother me in the slightest to be honest, It was a lucky escape for me and I felt sorry for the new guy,i havent seen or heard from her in over 3 years now thank god.

chris525

pgj2015 wrote: »

my ex got engaged about a year after we broke up, she told me herself when she rang me a year after i had last talked to her, It didnt bother me in the slightest to be honest, It was a lucky escape for me and I felt sorry for the new guy,i havent seen or heard from her in over 3 years now thank god.

Lol yeah really why would you call an ex to tell them that? It's like she was trying to rub it in? Why would you call an ex anyways?

chris525

[Deleted User] wrote: »

totally normal reaction

the only thing that strikes me is that theyre a quick mover if they're married now and ye only broke up 2 years ago.

I met my husband 2 years after my previous relationship ended. 2 years was too long for me.

chris525

Gintonious wrote: »

As the title says, I found out last week that my most recent ex got married.

A friend felt the need to tell me, which felt a little bit like gossiping and not exactly needed but they since apologized.

To cut a long story short, it's put me in a weird reflective and slightly down mood this past week. I got the usual hot ear pang when I heard the news, but since I have been having this awful recurring thought process of the "what if" and that I somehow missed my chance or opportunity.

I am currently in a relationship that is going well, for the past few months. But this news as thrown me off a tad, and I wasn't really expecting it.

I haven't heard from my ex for a long time and we never kept in touch. We broke up over 2 years ago and we dated for just over a year, so I am a tad surprised that I have been feeling this way.

Anyone else ever get something like this? It is going away, but it has me thinking all over the place about what I am doing with my life etc. I live abroad and have done for 6 years now, and that always adds something.

Thanks for any help, and for reading.

I'm surprised you're feeling this way too. 2 years is a very long time and surely you've moved on. Have you dated anyone else since?

pgj2015

chris525 wrote: »

Lol yeah really why would you call an ex to tell them that? It's like she was trying to rub it in? Why would you call an ex anyways?

she rang me because there was a problem with a mutual friend of ours but i got the impression that she was delighted for an excuse to ring me and tell me she was engaged, i couldnt have cared less, didnt feel anything for her at that stage. she said she wanted to be friends, i told her that wasnt going to happen.

chris525

pgj2015 wrote: »

she rang me because there was a problem with a mutual friend of ours but i got the impression that she was delighted for an excuse to ring me and tell me she was engaged, i couldnt have cared less, didnt feel anything for her at that stage. she said she wanted to be friends, i told her that wasnt going to happen.

Exes can't be friends. They only want to keep you around to either string you along or to check up on you to see who moves on faster.

Do you have caller id? Don't answer if it's her. When I got engaged my ex was the last thing on my mind nevermind calling him like that. She's bad news.

ILoveYourVibes

Look at it positively. Its cutting the ties. Its a release. Its a good thing for you and her.

Now you can move on.

ILoveYourVibes

chris525 wrote: »

Exes can't be friends. They only want to keep you around to either string you along or to check up on you to see who moves on faster.

Do you have caller id? Don't answer if it's her. When I got engaged my ex was the last thing on my mind nevermind calling him like that. She's bad news.

They can be friends. If they are good people. And its not a competition. Any exes that are friends I want to move on and they want me to move on. We are very healthy people.

I do have some exes who are not friends but to be honest anyone who is with them now i pity.

pgj2015

chris525 wrote: »

Exes can't be friends. They only want to keep you around to either string you along or to check up on you to see who moves on faster.

Do you have caller id? Don't answer if it's her. When I got engaged my ex was the last thing on my mind nevermind calling him like that. She's bad news.

I agree with the exes can't be friends. she wanted me to meet her fiance and kept talking about getting married in front of me and asking everyone if they were seeing anyone, i didnt even cop what she was doing because i wasnt bothered that i was single, it was 1 of my friends who pointed it out to me what she was up to.

i havent heard from my ex in over 3 years thankfully, she knows i want nothing to do with her. she is a total drama queen and attention seeker.

woodchuck

Mod note:

As the OP hasn't been back in a couple of weeks and this is turning into a general discussion, I think it's time to close this thread.