Our weekend away isn’t going as planned and we’ve not left het

LegacyUser

Hi all,

My partner and I are visiting his parents for a couple of days before heading for a night away by ourselves.

His old bedroom has got a single bed and my partner’s made it clear that I’ll be staying on the couch both nights. His reason seems to be that the bed is ‘his bed.’

The thing is, last week it came up in conversation and he told our friends that he’d be staying on the couch and I could have the bed. I expected we would have the bed one night each or that he’d at least offer me the bed as I’m the guest.

I wouldn’t have minded staying on the couch for one night but this trip is beginning to feel like it’s what he says goes. We were supposed to be away for two nights (the first at his parents, the second for our night away in an area nearby). He booked the transport for a weekend I hadn’t agreed to (I said it may be okay but I expected to discuss it that evening as I was very busy at work when he text - five minutes later it was booked). He also added time for the second day at his parents when booking, which I didn’t agree to either as it meant using an extra day of annual leave. I didn’t push this too much because he doesn’t see his parents often, but we’ll only see them for a couple of hours with the way our schedules fall.

I’m not too keen on spending both nights on the couch, which he knows and doesn’t seem bothered about. I know there’s worse things to complain about in relationships, but I don’t want to have a sore back after two nights on the couch for our break. We’ve a lot planned for the third day of the trip. Anybody any thoughts?

Xterminator

yes, make him sleep on the couch for a week when you get back.

But on a serious note, have you any reason to suspect you wont get a good night sleep on the couch? get an air mattress if you need it.

LegacyUser

May I ask how long have you been together and how old are you both?

Remain nice and sweet. But here’s what I would do.

You could book a local hotel or b&b room. As you said, you don’t want to hurt your back and he is fully aware of all this and not given up his bed. Therefore your comfort is not a priority for him and he knows full well you're uncomfortable and doesn’t seem bothered. So prioritise yourself. Don’t worry about feeling embarrassed. It’s him who should feel embarrassed. But I would make my intentions known with a smile on your face. And I would follow through and it be talked out of it by him or his parents. Show them and him you expect a certain standard from your partner. Do not waver - it has already been established they cannot accommodate you so you are simply making things easier for them all.

Either a hotel room depending on the distance and length of your trip OR if you have work commitments, you could make your excuses and return home early.

Another thing. He clearly wasn’t listening when he booked the wrong weekend. Do not be a doormat. It’s not your fault he wasn’t listening to you. Especially when it comes to your job, time and annual leave. Return to work as normal and show him you will not be a doormat.
Regardless of what he has booked or paid.

Take action now, show him what you will not put up with now or you’ll be compromising and settling for the rest of your life.


If a fight or row erupts, so be it. Stay calm and do not back down.
He’s treating you badly OP- nip it in the bud and prioritise your dignity and self respect above all else.
He’s showing you his true character and from what you’ve told us, it leaves a lot to be desired.

elefant

Maybe it's old-fashioned, but I wouldn't dream of leaving my girlfriend sleep on a couch at my parent's house while I slept in a bed.

GingerLily

Id be very surprised if his parents let you stay on the couch and him in the bed, is it possible he's just playing a joke?

zapper55

100% to the above. Is there a pattern of him.treating you like this? If so I'd be re-evaluting things.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. I agree that it's a bit old-fashioned but I was still taken aback that it was just 'you're on the couch.'

@GingerLily, he's not joking. He's said the couch is comfier than the bed. I asked where he sleeps when he visits his parents and he said the bed, not understanding my point.

@Girlusername12, we're in our mid-twenties and have been together well over a year now.

woodchuck

OP I think you need to stand up for yourself more.

If you're not happy sleeping on the couch, you need to make that really clear and discuss the possible options. For example:
- Take turns sleeping on the couch
- Invest in an airbed or similar
- Stay at a nearby BnB instead

Booking the transport could just be a miscommunication, but he shouldn't have gone ahead and booked an extra day without making the decision together. Again, you need to make it clear that you're not happy with how he's handled the situation so far otherwise you'll find yourself in the same situations again down the line.

SusanC10

It's a bit odd tbh.
I am a lot older than you but no way would my Husband (even when he was my boyfriend a long time ago) have me sleeping on a couch and him in a bed.
Also no way would his Parents have allowed it either.

sbsquarepants

Surely you can both squeeze into the single bed for a night?

LegacyUser

sleepingsleeper wrote: »

@Girlusername12, we're in our mid-twenties and have been together well over a year now.

Right. In that case, think seriously about doing what I suggested.
SHOW him you are not afraid to be without him, “lose him” and you are not afraid to stand up for yourself.

He is treating you badly. OP, you are his girlfriend. Someone he is meant to love, adore, protect and support. Have some self respect and dignity..

He has you on the couch in his parents house. You are uncomfortable and you have verbally expressed this to him - he doesn’t care. You probably haven’t met these parents before and he’s left you uncomfortable, without privacy or dignity.

HE DOES NOT CARE. If you're willing to put up with it- happy days - why should he worry.
He’s sound asleep in bed, snuggled up, all the while you slum it on the couch in a place you are unfamiliar with, wondering how you should fix this or what you’re doing wrong.
His actions speak louder than words!

Take action today or he will walk all over you for the rest of your relationship. I wouldn’t worry about coming across as rude or “high maintenance” or “crazy”.
I would be nice as pie to him and his parents, firmly put my foot down and walk. Leave them to their own devices.
Either to a hotel (with a spa? ) or straight back home.
Don’t feel guilty or be manipulated, regardless if he doesn’t see them that often or he’s nervous about seeing them or he’s “stressed” etc etc that’s between him and his parents - nothing to do with his treatment of you! He’s showing you what he thinks of you and it’s early in your relationship still.

Don’t let the wrong man waste your most eligible years.
Take action now and show him you're not afraid to walk.
If a row or fight or even break up follows, walk away with you self respect.
Don’t be manipulated or feel guilty. It’s his treatment of you that’s the issue here. Not a trip to his parents.

Over a year? You’re too young and too much of a catch to be mistreated in such a way.

And believe me, this won’t be a once off. He’s just pushing boundaries and seeing how far you’re willing to bend before you snap. Nip it in the bud.



Love yourself more.

LegacyUser

Don't be worrying about sth before it even happens, go and see how it unfolds. Or else book a room for both nights if you're really that bothered by the couch/get an airbed.. but honestly you sound a bit fussy- a couch for two nights won't kill you, you're young, and if you honestly have such a bad back at this stage of your life you need to be taking up sports to strengthen it.

TheBoyConor

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Surely you can both squeeze into the single bed for a night?

Maybe he and the parents are old fashioned?

I Know when I had girlfriends, hell would freeze over before I'd be allowed share a bed in the family home with a girlfriend. And I would've been pure mortified to even suggest it. the situation would never even arise.

shesty

Yeah but (as the woman) I wouldn't be sleeping on the couch in a family home either.Just for privacy reasons apart from anything else!!!You have a visitor in your home, you don't treat them like that!I would second the thing of finding a place to stay nearby, just tell him there isn't enough space in the house and you would rather not be sleeping in his parent's living room.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I think the fact that when telling friends about the situation he just lied and said he'd be taking the couch means he knows it's poor form. When you're the guest it is important to have that bit of privacy.

Booking in somewhere does seem like the best option, but this seems to an extent to be part of a pattern of not anticipating or listening to OPs needs.

tara73

what a disgraceful behaviour of him. he's showing you who he is with this.

switching for the two nights would be fair enough, he might have back problems too.

and the couch story is only one thing, the booking stuff and to schedule another holiday without asking you first is equally bad. what is he thinking?
did stuff like this happened before and you kind of overlooked it to 'start no trouble' or is he just now starting to show his nasty side?

I would lose a lot of trust if a bf would do this and he would have a lot of good reasons or explaining to do but I don't think there is any real explanation/excuse for such behaviour. Not looking good, I don't think he's suitable for a respectful relationship presenting this stunts.

LegacyUser

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Surely you can both squeeze into the single bed for a night?

Well, you’d expect a playful flirty comment like that from your boyfriend and you could both laugh it off while in all seriousness, he finds ways to accommodate you and make sure you are comfortable.
In regards to the air mattress comments, of course that is acceptable but that time has passed. Something that should have been set up and ready in anticipation for their arrival or something he could of picked up while on the road down to his parents.
Its not like they were unaware of the single bed and couch situation. Where did they think she was going to sleep?
And furthermore, could her boyfriend, knowing full well they didn’t have the means to accommodate her, booked themselves a hotel or b&b room nearby? Make a nice weekend of it like? No?

He’s a man in his mid twenties who should know better and have basic cop on.

Plenty of men out there that would camp with a pillow on the floor or couch while the woman they loved slept comfortably and HAPPILY in the bed.
Sure, their back might hurt but it’s the chivalrous thing to do.

OP, sure, he will be frowning, try and talk you out of it, no doubt blame you or act like an overgrown child and throw his rattler out of the pram when you stand up for yourself. But one thing is for sure, he will come to RESPECT you and so will his parents.
Because no woman in her right mind is going to put up with such childish behaviour. The only woman who will put up with it is the woman who fears losing him and fear, like desperation, has a smell.
Either he cops on, apologises, makes it up to you and treats you with properly with respect OR he lets you walk.
One way or the other, you’ll be respected and your dignity will remain firmly intact.

The last thing you want is to be with him weeks from now, when the time has passed, watching tv or having dinner or whatever, he does something minor, you snap and have a massive row, bringing up everything he’s done wrong including this trip because you have put up with it. In his mind, all he did was move the fork or whatever and next thing you know, you’re the insecure crazy girlfriend, whom he doesn’t take seriously cause you’re too emotional.

As for lying to the friends, his actions speak louder than words. He’s more worried about what they think of him than you do, which tells you all you need to know about this relationship. Maybe he wants to appear to be in a relationship rather than actually in one?

I’m not saying walk away and be silent at all.
Tell him calmly and sweetly “As I already told you, I’m just not comfortable on the couch babe. So I have booked myself a room and gonna get a proper rest in (wherever). See you later/ at dinner/ back home” and stand by your words. Do not get into petty ness or wait for him to talk you out of it, kiss him on the cheek and walk away.

Let him think it over his stupidity in his teenage room while you look after yourself!

Deal with it now. As it’s happening. Don’t be passive.

MuffinTop86

He sounds like he’s reverting to his youth/adolescence in the family home.
Fairly common, but he’s also showing signs of being controlling. A partner who will occasionally take initiative and book a getaway is nice, but if you specifically said those dates don’t suit then it’s not.
There may still be a bit of immaturity in him but honestly this is a red flag.

Ursus Horribilis

I've slept quite comfortably on sofas and had no aches and pains. Unless it's a 2 seater sofa or a sagging piece of rubbish like you'd find in a student house, you should be fine.

What isn't fine is his selfish attitude here. He's asking you to sleep in a non-private room in a house with people you barely know. I'm sure his family would rather you slept in his room too, rather than you taking up their sofa. What if one of them wants to watch TV late into the night or likes using that room regularly? You're effectively taking away a room from their house. It's not fair on you and not too nice for his family either.

While this certainly isn't a "dump him" scenario, I think this weekend could be a line in the sand. Is it the first time he has been so inconsiderate or is it simply a step up from other incidents? Are you now seeing the real him now that you're together a year? Or is it simply him being an eejit? You know him, we don't. You should talk to him though.

SusanC10

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Maybe he and the parents are old fashioned?

I Know when I had girlfriends, hell would freeze over before I'd be allowed share a bed in the family home with a girlfriend. And I would've been pure mortified to even suggest it. the situation would never even arise.

Yep, we were married before we slept in the same bed in the Parents' house.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

While this certainly isn't a "dump him" scenario, I think this weekend could be a line in the sand.m.

Agreed. Don’t get me wrong in my posts. I don’t think you should dump him outright. But I 100% think you should show him you are not afraid to be without him and stand up for yourself.
If he rises to your standard and apologies, makes it up to you, acknowledges he was wrong, excellent and I’d be pleased for you both.
But if he starts a fight, makes you feel silly and selfish over a “couch” or turns the tables on you, you have your answer about how he sees and feels about you and your relationship. The question after that would be if that’s good enough for you?

Because this isn’t just about a couch. It’s his attitude towards the woman in his life that’s the problem.

It’s never too late to raise your standards and stand up for yourself.
Don’t be afraid! Believe it or not, you are still in the early stages of negotiating your relationship and what’s acceptable/ what’s not!

Do not waver or back down. Prioritise yourself please.

tara73

SusanC10 wrote: »

Yep, we were married before we slept in the same bed in the Parents' house.

this is not the issue specified in the OP. they have seperate beds, a sofa and a couch in different rooms. it's about him demanding sleeping for the two night in the bed!

farmchoice

i'd say this fella hasn't brought too many women to stay in his parents house before!!
there is no way in hell any Irish mother (or a mother of any other nationality for that matter) will let him head off up to bed whilst his guest and possible future wife kips on the couch, id say his parents would give the OP their bed before they let her sleep on the couch.

he'll be on the couch, whether he know it or not yet.

blacklilly

OP I don;t think this is the way any partner should be treated.

Firstly it is his home house, it is vastly different sleeping on a couch in your home house then being a visitor to that house and sleeping on the couch. You have no privacy. If you are a part of the family who own the house you shouldn't be too unconformable if someone were to walk in or if you were to wake early etc.

Secondly in my opinion it just shows a real lack of respect and not something I would be happy with. I should say that I would feel this way regardless of genders. I would not expect my partner to sleep on a couch in my home house.

You don;t have to answer this but if there are other signs of your partner not respecting you or treating you right you should really think about the relationship.

Finally, not that my partner would ever have me sleeping on a couch in his home house but if he were to suggest I did, there is no way in hell his mother would allow it. If your partners mother is happy for this arrangement it would not surprise me if her husband also shows her a lack of respect.

Senature

Personally I wouldn't go. And I would tell him exactly why and not mince words. If he starts saying ah it's grand, you can have the bed, I still wouldn't go, he could easily change his tune when you get there.
If you go, you will only end up rowing over the bed/couch or feeling resentful that he expected you to sleep on the couch, regardless of whether you actually end up sleeping there or in the bed or a hotel.
Let him off to visit his own parents, you have no obligation to be there.
There's nothing old fashioned about this. I wouldn't arrange for my friend for example to come away with me and force them to sleep on the couch if they were clearly unhappy about it, he is bring a d!ck.
Sorry op, but are you really ok with being treated like this by your boyfriend? It's not like he just wasn't thinking, you have pointed it out to him...

LegacyUser

He text asking was I still upset so I explained it a bit more. He's generally quite respectful (a couple of times now he's said he's sorry about the booking situation) but it could just be a case of not knowing better as he's never brought anyone to his parents. He's said the couch is comfier and he thought I would sleep better on it, which is why he was taking the bed. His couch is comfy but I'm not sure if that was a cop out.

I got my period yesterday and mentioned how awful it would be if his mother woke up that morning and I was in the kitchen, cleaning my blood off of her fabric couch (not that my periods are usually heavy enough for that to happen, but stranger things have happened). He's going to organise an airbed so 'we' can stay on it (?). He's upset with himself for not thinking this through. Am I naive to think he didn't know better?

LegacyUser

If it’s a case you haven’t gone yet (I thought you were down there already) - I wouldn’t go. And I would tell him exactly why!
By being direct - not hinting/no hoping he gets what you mean, because he will not “get it” or “catch on”.

Tell him - No, you will not be going because of X Y Z. Tell him you don’t mind seeing his parents and spending time with them but that you are surprised and disappointed that he expects you to sleep on a couch during that time. It’s inappropriate and uncomfortable for all involved. You will not accept this. Therefore you are not going. And I wouldn’t bother getting into the complaints about your back. Leave that out cause if you bring that up that’s all he will take from the interaction. “Hi Mam. Oh Mary couldn’t come down to visit cause she can’t sleep on the couch with her back”. And it’s all forgotten and he carries on clueless with the same behaviour in another scenario with you.

No, you’re not sleeping on the couch because you’d prefer to be comfortable, with some privacy and dignity. It’s not embarrassing or demanding to tell him that. He didn’t think twice about you as a person when he expected you to sleep on the couch whilst he’s snuggled up in bed. Say it like it is.

Be firm and don’t back down. No “am”, “I dunno” “I feel like”. Be direct and firm.
And there will be no changing your mind either!

Why spend 2 nights on the parents couch and one night away in a hotel? Why not just book a 2-3 night getaway and make a weekend of it, meeting up with the parents as required whilst having some down time for you two as a couple?
I wouldn’t worry about the one night he booked for you both. He didn’t listen to anything you said. Whether you work as a major CEO or a part time gig in a cafe, your work is part of your life and it’s your thing.
Do not book more annual leave or swap shifts to please him . You’re working. He didn’t listen to you. You go to work as planned.
Would he compromise for you? Taking days you dictated off to please you on a whim because you booked something without listening to the dates he was off? Would he drop everything? Absolutely not.
Next time, he’ll make sure to cross and triple check dates with you in advance.

If this is all a joke to wind you up, I would seriously wonder why I am in a relationship with a man child.
I dunno how you could joke about something like that. In my experience, meeting parents the first or fourth time can be nerve wrecking for anyone and can be a serious business. Not something to be joked about. You’ll be a little on edge as it is...

And if he does go home to the parents without you, lovely, wish him well for the weekend and tell him to say hello to the parents for you.
Then, give him all the space he needs...
I, for one, would be very busy with other aspects of my life and wouldn’t be waiting for him insecurely on the other side of the phone worrying.
I’d be busy. But I would be seriously re-evaluating the relationship in his absence. Especially if this is familiar behaviour.

woodchuck

OP based on your update, I'd probably just give him the benefit of the doubt that he's a bit inexperienced and just doesn't know any better. If you're mid-20s and you're the first girl he's had stay over with his parents, then it's probably his first serious relationship. So he's probably a bit clueless and just didn't think it through.

If this issue is a one off, I wouldn't worry too much as it sounds like he's trying to make amends now.

qwerty13

I actually wouldn’t give him the benefit of the doubt at all. I’d read that the opposite way: that he’s a clueless mammy’s boy, who has a lot of growing up to do, especially involving his attitude towards others. He’s coming across as self-centred, immature, inconsiderate, thoughtless and just a plonker.

Your choice if you want to hang around to see if he grows up OP.

joeguevara

Some parents would never allow a partner stay in their kids room even if they are adults. Is there no spare room you can stay?

You could look at the positives that he is bringing you to see his parents but equally look at the negatives as he is making you feel uncomfortable.

No one knows the situation but no way is it normal that am adult girl is made sleep on the couch.

LolaJJ

Honestly, given that it's a single bed in hiss room, surely the obvious solution is to stay in a hotel/b&b/Airbnb nearby. His folks won't be hurt as they will understand that they can only offer a single bed and there are 2 of you.

Also, I'd be more concerned that you couldn't just go "I'm not going to sleep on a sofa in your parent's living room while you enjoy the privacy of your own bed and room"

It might have been an oversight on his part but it's mighty concerning that you didn't feel you could just tell him no

c.p.w.g.w

elefant wrote: »

Maybe it's old-fashioned, but I wouldn't dream of leaving my girlfriend sleep on a couch at my parent's house while I slept in a bed.

I don't think it's old fashioned, technically shes a guest so should be given the bed really.

He may just be so clueless he proposed the sofa as it might genuinely be more comfortable, and not seeing all the issues around it. I'm always crippled sleeping in the bed in my mums spare room - really soft saggy mattress. It doesn't sound like he was trying to boss you around.

rainbowtrout

I think the key thing here is that he told their friend's that the OP was getting the bed and he would be on the couch, but has told the OP the opposite. So he does understand the situation and is not clueless, regardless of whether his parents approve of them sleeping in the same bed or not, or whether this is the first time he's brought a girlfriend home.

Seth Brundle

farmchoice wrote: »

he'll be on the couch, whether he know it or not yet.

He shouldn't have to be told!
I remember my sis-in-law staying with us along with her bf. Separate beds were assumed as both are quite religious.
He insisted on our spare bed and her on an air bed in the living room. I've never lost so much respect for someone so fast in my life!

cj maxx

Someone alluded to it but he may be pulling her leg about her being on the couch.
Girl usernamegirl12 you sound , to me , like someone with an issue regarding men. Nip in the bud now etc .you should probably deal with your own issue. I mean that in a honest way and not a dig

qwerty13

If he’s pulling her leg about that, then he’s an absolute twat.

joeguevara

I was wondering if this is the first weekend away for the couple? If so why go to the parents at all? I could be wrong but based on the post it appears that the relationship is in its infancy (I base this on if it was a more longer term thing then all the confusion wouldn't be there and would be a source of jokes on separate sleeping arrangements in parents house). If it's all new why go to parents at all. Why not book a weekend away and spend the entire time in your own room not worrying about single beds and couches. I always find it crazy couples going to meet the parents and being treated like kids. Ye are adults and allowing being treated like children to cause tension with your bf.

If you can't sleep in the same bed like grown ups, book into a hotel and have a lovely time and leave.

I remember living with a girl and we went to her parents. Straight away shown different rooms. Luckily my gf at the time joked that i would wake everyone in the house up in the middle of the night trying to find her room. Sorted.