When it rains...

borabora

Just writing this down for a bit of clarity and advice. I'm a female, 35, want kids in a few years.

I had my heart badly bruised 8 months ago. Tim and I met in November, and it was a total whirlwind. Amazing chemistry, meeting of minds, shared values etc. But! Tim had come out of a 10 year relationship - 3 year marriage in July. His ex-wife was now a lesbian living in a different country. So that was complicated.

We got on so well I went with it when he said im the beginning that he was ready to move on. Although later I felt numerous times like he was slightly pulling away he always came back really enthusiastically and would talk about the future etc. I thought we were so good together that we could make it work.

At 3 months we had this amazing epic day trip, his dog stayed at mine for the first time - things deepened. Next time I saw him we had a night when he was super off and wouldn't come home with me. Next day he calls and dumps me. Super cold. I took it majestically but died a bit inside. First taste of heartbreak. Have thought of him evey day since.

Got into a rebound relationship asap which wasn't right. He dumped me, have been single for a month and having the worst luck on the apps. 4 cancellations, 2 of which were this weekend. Fun times lol. Anyway - a lot happened on Sunday. To note I had gotten a Glastonbury ticket earlier, so I was already on a high!

I have 2 significant exes - 1 month long thing 2 years ago - Sam, that I was obsessed with, and Tim. I matched with Sam on Sunday morning who was full on messaging me and invited me 3 times to visit him in his neighbouring country. As I'm processing that madness an email comes through from Tim. What the actual....?

It was like a love letter. Started with a massive apology. He hadnt been ready even though he wanted to be, wasn't true when he said he didn't feel enough, I'm so amazing blah blah. He wanted to get in touch before but he waited to make sure he was ready. All he wants is a tiny chance and to see me if I haven't moved on etc etc, but he'd be happy for me if I had.

So obviously I'm gobsmacked. Haven't written back yet. Gor it 1pm Sunday so think I'll reply on Tuesday lateish agreeing to a drink at the weekend. Concerned that it feels a bit love bomber-y...but he knows I usually cut people straight off after a break up so perhaps he's trying to plead his case a bit.

Am I foolish to engage with this when he is still so freshly broken up? He is super emotionally intelligent, but was really tramatised from the whole thing, for the years it was slowly breaking down. Described it as co-dependent and is still separated - not yet divorced as far as I know. Is it a better call to sack this one off entirely and maybe go see the other fella? I want to see Tim but I don't know what my feelings will be after all this...

zapper55

When someone dumps you dont give them the chance to do it again. Tim sounds super bloody intense and no where near ready for a relationship. A love letter after a few months together? He sounds like he loves drama.

As for Sam, why did ye break up? Not by your choice I'm guessing? If he dumped you my advice also stands.

I think you need a break from dating. You seem to be attracted to messy drama yourself. I dont see either Sam or Tim ending well.

borabora

Sam had just gotten our of a relationship (as had I) his ex girlfriend was living in his house still for financial reasons so he wasn't in the head space for a new relationship. It was an intense sexually fuelled fling.

Maybe you're right about the messy drama though!

nthclare

As the poster above said, a break from dating might be a good idea.

A lot of women in their 30's supposedly have enormous levels of oxytocin and it's like a natural love drug which can tell you lies and get you all loved up.

My friends Una and Denise from two separate parts of the country decided consciously to take two years out from dating in their late 30's because they were like two dog's in heat.
Falling in and out of love, lust and knowingly sleeping around a lot but couldn't control the impulsive natural feelings for the want to get knocked up....
Their hormones were on over drive.

Anyhow they took two year's out, got hobbies and interests outside of their comfort zone and slowly the wanting and yearning love etc ebbed away...

They are now in their early 40's not madly in love with responsible good men ..

Hope this helps,and by the way I'm not saying you're a horn dog or premiscous etc I would never undermine your lifestyle etc

Best of luck Op

zapper55

For the want to get knocked up? Lol. This will blow your mind but women can enjoy sex for pleasures sake, with a mad reproductive urge.

It's funny I could have been pregnant a few times over if I listened to drunk horny guys who said ah we dont need a condom etc. I had more sense.

Couldnt leave this comment go as it perpetuates a myth that women take leave of their senses during to baby fever.

Op this all sounds very exciting, maybe it's making up for a lack of happiness in other areas. Do you experience happiness regularly, say in hobbies or with family or friends? Thatd be the road I'd go down.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

You say you have two significant exes, one who was an intense, sexual, month long relationship two years ago, and one three month relationship with a man who, I'm sorry to say, was clearly not ready to be in a relationship again after the end of his marriage. You also say you're 35 and planning to have children in a few years.

Are these two relationships the two most significant points in your romantic history, or are you not mentioning other longer steadier relationships because they're not relevant here, or no longer emotionally significant? Would this intensity and duration of relationship be typical for you or unusual? The love bombing you're sensing from Tim, is that something you've been through before or if not what made you think of that term?

I'm asking because I'm also reading a bit of you being drawn to the drama of these situations, which are probably going to each burn hard and fast and die off like before.

There's nothing particularly wrong with that, as long as it's two people similarly inclined and not hurting each other, however, you need to reconcile this with your other goals, especially your plan to have children. Do you want a life partner as well? The relationships you've described here and their circumstances (still living with an ex for financial reasons, very recently out of a marriage to a closeted woman) are ones that a lot of people, especially a lot of our age, run away from very very fast because they're guaranteed to turn to drama, and because at this stage in life a lot of people are looking for something that will go the distance.

If it's a matter of "which fella should I pick for a bit of romance and fun" then literally either. Sure go with the one you don't have to fly to. If it's "what's the right choice to get on the road to settling down and have kids" then neither.

borabora

Thanks for all of the replies!

I have had two other 2/3 years relationships. These two are the one(s) that got away. Never been as attracted to anyone as these two. They are both what I would ideally want in a man whereas the other relationships weren't. Congruent values, intelligence and sexiness etc.

I have an incredibly full life actually. But I do like a bit of excitement yes! Even still yesterday was a bit too much excitement for me lol. I think the plan for me is to proceed super cautiously with Thomas and see what's what.

bitofabind

borabora wrote: »

These two are the one(s) that got away. Never been as attracted to anyone as these two.

Attraction is not the value to prioritise if you're looking to settle down and start a family. Especially not when you're at an age where you don't have all the time in the world.

You need to think with your head instead of your heart / other parts here and approach dating as you would a business deal. Attraction is just attraction. You can be attracted to anyone, ex-convicts, sociapaths, narcissists. Anyone can put on a good sales act and draw you in with their charm and wit and intelligence and sex appeal. Not anyone can be a good life partner though.

I consider the level of "spark" you describe as a red flag in my own dating life. The guy that I'm most drawn to and that I feel fireworks with usually comes with a whole heap of baggage, drama, love-bombing and ultimately is emotionally unavailable. That usually comes to a head in a really heartbreaking way for me. I'll get cut off or ghosted unexpectedly. Because they are emotionally unavailable. So I've taken a break from dating and have started therapy, along with focusing on building up my own life, so I can be a bit more level-headed when I get back to it. I'd honestly suggest you do the same. The things you want will continue to stay out of your reach if you keep going for these drama-filled, not-ready men.

The right relationship will be steady and secure to the point of being boring. You won't get these highs and lows and ultimate combustions, you'll get friendship and reliability and predictability.

borabora

So I'm just reaching the end of a stint of therapy. It's been really helpful.

And to clarify - I'm so attracted to these men because they're the full package. Intelligent, values spot on, passionate about their work, kind, modest, deep,
sexy, fun etc.

But I'm hearing what you're saying re a dangerous level of spark vs steady. Point taken.

bitofabind

borabora wrote: »

And to clarify - I'm so attracted to these men because they're the full package. Intelligent, values spot on, passionate about their work, kind, modest, deep,
sexy, fun etc.

With respect OP, they're not though. They love-bombed you and burned hot and cold, multiple times, one of them was in a longterm co-dependent relationship (doesn't surprise me) and neither of them exhibited relationship potential based on these commitment issues.

So that's not exactly being aligned in your values, no matter how intelligent or sexy they were. Unless you're a similar flake, in which case I'd suggest working on it in therapy as that's clearly not going to help you.

Look at what these men are doing, not what they're saying. People say all sorts in the throes of passion or fiery short-term relationships like this. Especially when they're on the rebound - which also makes them incompatible, by the way. The biggest part of this is timing - do they want the same thing as you, right now? Doesn't matter how great they are. If they're not ready NOW - walk away. That needs to be a dealbreaker for you. Or else you'll keep going around in these circles for years and suddenly you'll be in your 40s and will have missed out on having a family like you want.

zapper55

Well the guy who dumped you unexpectedly and now how changed his mind hardly sounds kind or fun. Honestly you fancy both of them and are describing it as something else.

cannotlogin

Your post comes across as very dramatic, do you think that perhaps you thrive on drama?

It might be worth taking a step back and looking at the situation with less drama and emotion and a little more logic.

Tim is not super emotionally intelligent for starters - if he was he would have explained things rather than the super cold overnight approach. Similarly, the recent love bombing excessive email declaring all sorts again don't exhibit emotional intelligence, the opposite in fact.

The significant ex of one month is a little strange. Is 30 days enough to be a significant ex, you'd hardly know the guy!

It seems to be that you need to slow down, take a step back and decide what you really want, even perhaps take a break from dating altogether to clear your head.

dellas1979

borabora wrote: »

And to clarify - I'm so attracted to these men because they're the full package. Intelligent, values spot on, passionate about their work, kind, modest, deep,
sexy, fun etc.

The first way I would describe these men would be emotionally unavailable.

You do realise you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men (at least the one's you have described - have a think about the rest). Dont you want to understand why?

I bet you all the money in my bank a/c that if a man showed you genuine interest and didnt mess you around, you wouldnt know what to do - youd be saying something is wrong.

You are describing all the traits of a female who is literally addicted to emotionally unavailable men.

Purple Mountain

I'd actually give you totally opposite advice.
You only live once, carpe diem.
Tim, obviously had trauma/baggage/emotions after that messy and dramatic break up.
But maybe he's had a lightning bolt moment. Realises what he has lost and could have with you.
I don't always agree with not giving someone a second chance.
Of course if he was hurting you or cheating on you, I'd have to rethink that but all he did was get cold feet and seek time to reevaluate his situation.
We could all die tomorrow in an asteroid.
Go with your heart!

LolaJJ

Personally, I wouldn't go back to Tim, or Sam.

When you meet the right person it's easy.

When you start justifying bad or unpredictable behaviour.....stop

No one has an excuse to treat you badly, it was Tim's responsiblity to ensure he was in the right headpsace to date. Not your problem

If he was a decent person he could have told you all the nice things he saved for the comeback email and asked you at that time whether or not you wanted to be there for him to string along while he processed his messed up head.

However, in that moment, Tim didn't give a flying f*ck about your feelings and uncerimoniously dumped you.

You didn't think about him every day since because you have a special connection. It's because you never had full closure and he did something unexpected.

Plenty of Tim's in the world, don't give them oxygen

bitofabind

LolaJJ wrote: »

You didn't think about him every day since because you have a special connection. It's because you never had full closure and he did something unexpected.

Agree with this. OP - stop prioritising this 'connection' thing. It ultimately means: you were sexually and emotionally attracted to these guys and forgave them a host of bad behaviours because of it. Under the guise of 'compatibility'. They were the full package. Except they weren't, because they didn't want to commit to you and weren't willing to offer security or stability.

One thing I'll say about rejection that I've learned in a big way over the past few months. Rejection is triggering. It'll provoke a strong emotional response, sometimes routed in childhood stuff that you're not even aware of. I faced romantic rejection twice recently and my emotional reaction felt totally disproportionate to the situations at hand. It led to obsession and infatuation and major rumination about both guys at different stages. Guys that I knew, rationally, weren't the right guys for me. But that didn't stop me from the fantasies, the regrets, this "one that got away" sort of thinking - I was basically projecting my own personal insecurities all over these guys, and that's what I now continue to work through in therapy so I can learn to be ok in myself, regardless of what happens in my dating life. To not have my wellbeing hijacked by these rejections and disappointments and false starts that are pretty common on the dating scene.

So what I'd say to you is to really think about what you want. What's important to you in a partner? What kind of life do you want? Do you want a family, a supportive partner, a long-term relationship, etc? Write a list. And look at that list closely, and measure it up against both of these blokes. Do they fit the bill? I think you'll already know the answer.

joeguevara

If someone can break up with you as coldly as Tim did then he can so it again. .also after 3 months it can't be love and the fact he wrote a massive love email shows emotional immaturity.

You are clouded because you want a kid and are forgetting the heartache he put you through. Although a child is what you want you don't want it with a guy who did that to you.